sasha276

[sasha276]

12/9/23

I'm starting to see how hard I am on myself. I should be happy with an A in a class, or even a B, but i'm not. I am right at a 4.0, one 95% and on 93% - but i'm obsessing over my grade dropping below 93 (93-up is a 4.0 gpa). I know i'm being stupid over this, but I can't help it.

I'm this way with my looks, too. I criticize myself to the point that I almost hate myself sometimes. And I do hate myself over my weight (over 250 pounds). I have to take so many pictures to find ones I like. And it has to be at a certain angle.

I really need to work on this, but how?

I start training for a new position at work on Monday. Unfortunately, i'll be on the phone instead of office work. Excited in one way, not so sure about it in another. I'm going to miss my old job. Hours are different. Instead of 8-5 it will be 11-7:30.

Maybe i'll post more later. Started this because I was taking a break from school work.

[sasha276]

11/21

Good Morning! Or afternoon? Evening? Good whatever time it is for you. lol

I haven't felt right in a while. I thought I was falling into a depression, now i'm not sure. One problem i've had for a while, but has gotten much worse, I stay so tired, fatigued. Some days recently, I feel weak. This seems to be more physical than mental. I have no idea what's going on. Well, I mean i've had thoughts about possible causes. I've worried myself to death over stomach cancer. I've been getting gastritis a bit too often. And years ago, I was diagnosed with h. pylori, which can later cause stomach cancer if left untreated. I didn't have the money to treat it at the time. I have to remind myself, though, i've had stomach issues all my life. But it still scares me. Hoping it's just my anxiety making me think that way.

Work day today. I wonder if it will be a slow day again. When I am waiting on assignments I am sometimes able to work on my school work a bit. I have to write a paper in English that's over due and then start on this week's work. I'm trying to decide, for next terms (Jan 8) if I want to just switch to part time or take a short break from college (just 1 term, 8 weeks). The break sounds good, but so does the financial aid refund that I would get back. We have a short Christmas break, i'll decide by then I guess. I should be doing a little reading for school before work, so enough of this annoying rambling! lol :)

[sasha276]

11/17/2023

I've been feeling depressed. Hate this feeling. But then, who doesn't? It mkes me nervous, because up until close to a year ago, I spent way too muvh time being stuck in depression. I was not able to work and was hoping for disability.

Something changed in me, a bit over a year ago, and I was able to reach goals. Getting the house organized (yeah, having to re-do this soon) and then getting a job and doing so well. I started on November 16th and it's now November 17th. Up until now, i've been so happy. I don't get what changed.

I hope this feeling is very temporary.

I need to encourage myself, as weird as it may seem.

So here goes.....

I have came so far, don't allow yourself to fall back. Push forward. Keep going. Think positive thoughts only. I can do this. I have goals to reach, some i've met and some are works in progress.

Goals...

Be a happier person..

Get a good job...

Start college and do well..

Get into a better routine with everything.. Work, school, housework, menu planning, cooking, workouts. Plan for self care and a social life.

But it's 1 step at a time. I was doing good with work and school, but now i'm struggling. I need to get this figured out before I can really move forward.

Well, gotta go, it's time for work.

[sasha276]

11/14/2023

A lot going on. Nathan's girl friend has a psycho ex-friend who is making threats toward him and offering to pay $200 to anyone who will give him our address. This has me extremely stressed. We live here too, you know. I fucking hate drama.

I am falling behind with college work. I can't seem to be able to start this psychology essay. Which is past due. I'm missing work this week because i'm sick and needing to catch up on school work at some point while being sick.

I feel like i'm falling into a depression. I thought I was past all this. But I have that all too familiar sinking feeling.

[sasha276]

November 11th

I am stressed because I have SO much school work to get done TODAY. Even have a 1 1/2 page paper to write for psych.

I want to do something tonight. Be it have a date night and go out to eat and/or have a little game night. But, it all depends on how early I get my assignments done. I also need to color my hair.

Went out to dinner last night with Mark, Nathan and Korina, at Outback steakhouse. I had the filet mignon and lobster. It was so good. I was almost full from the blooming onion, though. It was the first time I have had the onion and it was awesome.

I'm starting to feel tired and its not even 9am yet. *sigh* That's why I don't have more done that I should, i've been staying tired.

[sasha276]

November 9th 2023

The year is almost over! 2023 has been a good one for me. I started my job January 16th, after being unable to work for so long. And it's going great! 10 months so far, which sadly is the longest i've ever kept a job. Whatever changed with me, i'll be forever grateful. I started college August of this year. I have a savings account with an actual balance. I've gotten my credit score up to "fair" - 644. I had 0 credit score before, and has a bunch of delinquent hospital bills. For the moment, they've came off my report. A whole lotta good has happened in 2023. I SO hope 2024 will be the same, or even better!!

I'm probably going to drop down to part time college this coming term. Give my brain a rest! I'll be going back up to full time. I have a 95.99 in one class, Psych I think. And 96.99 in the other. I hope I can keep the grades up. I'm only on my third unit of this term. Trying. I hope my effort is recognized.

Tax season is coming up. I have NO idea how much I will be getting back. I filed "0" on the W4. I know I should get back $2000 for the child tax credit. That will go straight to my savings. The remainder is yet to be determined. lol

Well.......... I guess I had better get ready for work. Hoping it's another slow day so I can work on college stuff.

[sasha276]

11/3/23

Blah. It's a slow day at work and I keep finding myself procrastinating on school work. The term is really hard. I'm starting to think I should have only did part time this term. Too late now. It's friday. I have two more days to get everything done by Sunday. I will use the first part of my day working on school work. I also need to grocery shop, household tasks that need done. Sunday will, hopefully, be my stay in bed, watch movies and nap day. I wish I could have a lazy day today. Kinda am, in a way, because work assignments are coming in so slowly. I'm so sleepy. Lunch break is in an hour, and I think today will be another lunch break nap. *sigh*

[sasha276]

10/18/23

Positive affirmations are important. Taking a moment to reflect on thing you like about yourself can boost your self confidence. And I need self confidence more than ever when i'm hosting a big party, like this Halloween party.

Things I like about myself.....

I like my patience. At times, I lose my patience. But MOST of the time, I have my patience.

ugh.... I'm too stressed for this right now. Positive things are not coming to mind, and when they do, they aare countered by negative thoughts. I'll do this another time.

I hope I feel better a little later!

[sasha276]

10/28

Why am I always so damn stressed on days that i'm having a party? It seems at least ONE thing, if not more, goes wrong. Almost every time. I'm calming down now, but I was about to scream earlier.

I need to get better at relaxing and calming myself, when things are super stressful. I tend to get overwhelmed easily.

I have the liquor sat out for the party. I need to get more quervo and rum, maybe a couple other things. Trying to decide between a case of beer or 2 cases. When Nathan brings in the leftover alcohol, i'll have a better idea of what we need.

I don't know whether to have something warm to snack on or just chips and candy (Halloween, so, candy lol). Maybe some pizza? Snack tray of some sort? I could maybe get some boneless wings/chicken bites from Sams club.

I think part of my stress... College. I couldn't access my book in either class for the first two days. I had only 3 days to get everything done, while working every day. And, this first until was a bit more difficult than I thought it would be. I just finished everything today! Working on it all morning. And I am worried about my grades. I already know that I missed 1 question on one quiz in psych. Worried how i'll be graded on written assignments.

[sasha276]

10/28

I feel so dumb sometimes. It's frustrating. I did so well on the 2 introductory classes. I knew these classes would be more difficult. But, didn'y expect my first unit to be difficult. I missed one on psychology quiz. I was a little relieved to see it was only one, as I thought it was going to be much worse. It still bugs me to miss one I feel I should have known this, after all this reading!!

I have other assignments to do in psych and one in college writing. None are "easy" assignments. I hope SO badly that I get high grades on these written assignments. I need high grades to encourage me. To keep me focused. I'm working so hard on this.

[sasha276]

10/27 again

I'm getting VERY frustrated with everything. I had a hard time getting into online banking today, to transfer funds to savings and to my bill pay account. Now, I need to sign up for online banking through the credit union i'm buying my car through. I just want to make my first car payment, that's all i'm trying to do!!!!!!!!!!!

Going to take a break, maybe watch a movie or at least start a movie. Maybe Hannibal. My mind needs a break! So much school work left to do, and it has to be done today.

[sasha276]

10/27

I am feeling "ok" this morning. A lot of stress on me at the moment. But I trying to stay as positive and I can be.

[sasha276]

10/26/23

Nathan lost his job. His job is how we pay mortgage and a few other things. Mark/myself pay all utilities, car payment and a few other things.

I am super stressed.

But I am trying to think positive. Everything will be ok. Somehow. I will be able to keep my focus at work and with college. I will work hard to get my work assignments done as quickly, and as accurately, as possible. I am resilient. I am the newer created version of who I used to be. ugh, off break, will try this again later.

[sasha276]

October 23rd

Good Morning!

It's a relaxing morning. Very nauseous. But I am sure that will pass. Today is the first day of my 2nd college term. nd yep, as expected, the courses seem to be quite a bit more complex. And, more work. It's ok, i'll get this! All I can do is try. And, try to keep myself focused, with a positive attitude. I do hope I can keep my grades up, though. I finished last term with a 98.25% and aa 100%. I seriously doubt my grades will be that good this term, but i'm going to try hard!

I was wanting to continue college to get my Masters of psychology and PsyD (doctorate of psychology). But then, I read a lot of negtive things regardig the doctorate. One being, i'd have to travel out of state to go to school, no school offers an APA accredited PsyD fully online. Too bd, was really looking forward to becoming a Clinical Psychology. I'm still planning to get my Masters in psychology (clinical or counseling psych, more than likely).

I am hosting a Halloween party this coming Saturday. I hope it turns out at least as well as the one I had last year. But, I don't know. I didn't put as much effort into planning and reminding invitees. I'm going to try my best.

Back on school for a moment... I think you can have private practice if you're a licensed counselor. That is going to be my long term goal.

I am so frustrated about my weight. I can't seem to lose it, at all! I've gained 15 pounds over the last several months. :(

Going to go for now, really nauseous, going to take a phegran and lay back down.

[sasha276]

October 22nd,

I'm about to take Sierra to her boyfriend's house and then do a small amount of grocery shopping. A little low on funds. Low paycheck. This coming paycheck will be a little lower. We'll manage.

It's Sunday at 3:30. I napped and got NOTHING done. :( I hope to get the closet and nightstand before bed. Need to go to be early to get up for school work at 4AM and get ready for work at 8. Tomorrow is the 1st day of my 2nd term.

Blah. Just feeling like going to bed. Guess i'd better get dressed and go .More later, maybe. :)

Edit: I got my nightstand cleared off and about 1/2 over my overcrowded bedside drawer! So, there's that. I got something done!

[sasha276]

Oct 21st

I am using this weekend to get some cleaning done. I hope I get everything done. First, going to the bank. Opening a new bank account to put Sierra on, for her allowances. IF she starts doing her chores right. I've been letting it go, for too long.

She's been testing my patience lately, so I have a little bit of hesitation.

When we first talked to a counselor, she told the counselor that she burns herself with lighters. Which was only 3 months ago, if even that. Then, a couple weeks ago, she asked for a lighter. I told her she can't have lighters because of the issue we talked about. I was NICE about it. She got mad and stormed off. Then she told her boyfriend "I really hate it when people bring up things from my past". Drama queen much?

Then, she expects us to drive all the way across town every other day to either take her to and pick her up from her boyfriends house or to take her boyfriend home. His parents had been doing pick ups and drop offs about 1/2 the time and now they aren't/can't (not sure which, but that is irrelevant). I told her no this last time, and said we can't be driving back and forth all the time. She got mad. And said something like "Well APPARENTLY, they said they can't always drive you home and so you can't come over", and some other bs. She gets mad over everything, and it's starting to piss ME off. I've been told we are to lenient with her, so it might be time to stop looking over her behavior, as I sometimes do. I was recently told, by someone I very much respect, that I should have punished her for a recent event where, AS ALWAYS, she lied. And, she's right. I shouldn't have let that go. She lied again this week. I told her no more going into Nathan's room and snooping. She lied and said she didn't. I asked her if she'd like to see the camera (which was put up for the very purpose) and she said no. I should have set a punishment for that, but I just warned her. Time to tighten rules and consequences. I've been TOO nice and she's taking advantage of it. It's spoiled behavior and lies constantly. About everything. Big things. Little things.

Oh, and in Nathans room she was going through his closet, under his bed, bookshelf and even in his nightstand! She stole some monster energy drink and snacks. Even if that was her plan, she didn't have any valid reason for going into his nightstand.

[sasha276]

October 21st, 2023

I got everything done for this last until of my first term. Thankfully! I struggled more with this last unit than I did all other 7 units combined!

If you're confused by why I have two terms instead of all classes for an entire semester - I'm taking accelerated 8 week courses. It's still 4 classes per semester, it's just broken down into two class terms, within the semester.

I don't know if I ever posted about my plans with college? I'm majoring in psychology, plan to get through college (at least through my masters program). I want to be a Clinical Psychologist. I'm very interested in diagnostics, mental health disorders/abnormal psychology, and counseling. After I get my BA degree, I may try to find a decent position at the mental hospital in Marion Viginia (I live close by, in Abingdon VA). I like my job now, but who knows where i'll be (job-wise) in 2027.

I worry i'm going to not do so great in this upcoming term. The first term classes were easy, so no surprise that I got an A in both (waiting on the last assignment to be graded in each class, but right now I have 100% in one class and 98.49 in the other. I want to keep my grades up, it's extremely important to me.

I was bad in school. In elementary school, I had (what I NOW know is called..) Selective Mutism. Several teachers and principal thought I was autistic, because I couldn't speak at school. I tried and couldn't. I did decent up until 3rd grade. 4th grade is where I was getting 0's, refusing to go to school. I felt "sick" all the time. It got to the point, they were threatening my Mother with "educational neglect". The neglect, in my opinion, was not allowing me to get mental help that I needed. She absolutely refused, with me begging her to get me help.

I continued to miss a LOT of school over the years, and not complete my school work. Except for a couple assignments, one I can remember was a biology project, I got an A on that one. That was 7th grade. Still continued to miss a lot of school. I was held back in 7th, due to missing so much. That 2nd year of 7th was HELL for me. Then, in 8th grade, school term of hell, my Dad took me out of school. It was the day my Grandmother passed. He enrolled me in a private home-based school call Christian Light. I was excited! I did a few assignments... My Dad didn't have time to grade my papers, and my Mom didn't care enough to.. So, I basically dropped out of school completely in 8th grade.

Dropping out was no big deal in my family. I remember when I was younger and not wanting to go to school, my Mom would tell me I can drop out as soon as I turn 15. Ended up being 14. Education wasn't encouraged.

So... I got my GED as soon as I turned 17 and started college. I was doing good, loving a couple of my classes, then I was kicked out for tuition not being paid. When my Dad died, his pension allowed to me to go to college for free until I was 22 or 25, don't remember for sure. My brothers decided they need my tuition money for something - cigarettes probably. So, family members, if you are reading this.. You may wonder why I feel the way I do about things.. But TRUST me, I have good reasons to be bitter toward family. You only knew the sides of them they chose to show you. If you don't respect how I feel - well, I simply don't care.

Anyway..... So, there it was. I was unable to continue with school. Who knows where i'd be today if that didn't happen. They never paid the tuition, but they both started school for a couple years or so. I couldn't, not until my past due tuition was paid. Which, it never was. This was back in Wyoming.

In August of 2003, we all (imediate family and Nathan) moved to southwestern Virginia. A little bitty town called Swords Creek. It's where my Mom grew up. After a few years, I felt more confident in my abilities again (dealing with mental health issue since 7 years old), so in 2006-2007, I started college at Southwest Virginia Community College. They didn't offer a psych major, so I was majoring in human services. I qualified for the pell grant, and it covered my tuition for the year. I really enjoy the classes and got A's in most, but missed a big project in a psych class and got a C. I started to have some significant health issues, and put college on hold. I signed up again in 2010, then my oldest brother died. I tried to stick with it and couldn't. It was too late to drop classes, so I let my GPA just, go...

I've wanted to go to college again, all these years, but I didn't feel like I could handle it with some of my health issues. Then, I believe it was August of 2022, I felt different. (more on that another time) I didn't a lot of cleaning in preparation of starting a job, and was finally able to keep a fulltime job, and then this August, I decided I was ready to go to college again. This is something that, earlier in 2022, I was stressing hard and feeling horrible that I couldn't do anything - job or school. Something changed, I don't know what is was.

Anyway, i'm nervous about my upcoming College Writing course. I hear there are tons of essays. I've never written an essay. And math.... wow, I dread that. Imagine starting college with, basically, a 3rd grade formal education. I've done a LOT of reading and learned a lot on my own. But I feel a little out of place, not knowing algebra, when everyone else took it in middle and highschool.

A lot of things drive me to continue my education and to follow my dream. But, I will admit, knowing that i've become somebody in life will make me feel so much better after having my Catholic school principal tell me i'll be a drop out and never amount to anything. I hated that school. And no, i'm not Catholic.

So, when I am proud over my grades, i'm not bragging. It just feels so good to be able to get good grades, compared to my life as a child. I mention it, because I personally find it hard to believe. I have that "never amount to anything" stuck in my head.