sammyiztalking - Tumblr blog

[sammyiztalking]

🌙 Day 6🌙

*TW* . . . . . Day six was a fuck up in the highest order. Boyfriend took me out on a date. Ate at a Chinese buffet and had to eat while pretending I was absolutely okay with it when I'm not. Also, my mum is having a psychotic episode. I won't go into details, but she is absolutely not well and is in denial that there is nothing wrong with her. It's been ongoing for a while, but it's getting much worse. My sister has had psychosis before, so she's trying to deal with mum but it's like talking to a brick wall. All of this plus my boyfriend's mum dying has really impacted my own mental health/3d. I'm not dealing with it at all, and I feel 10x worse than before. If anything, these situations have only made my 3d relapse stronger. I really fucking hate everything right now.

[sammyiztalking]

🌙 Day 5 🌙

Breakfast: 238

Lunch: 486

Snack: 172

Dinner: 270 

total: 1,166

MUCH better re$trïcting today. That being said, I feel really lethargic. Mentally, I’m not feeling the best.

The lethargy’s been here for a while. I think I might be anaemic, or it’s my rather messed up sleep pattern. The thing is I do take vitamins every day. Maybe they’re not strong enough?

I don’t like my GP surgery as I feel they can be pretty judgmental, so I really feel reluctant to see them for anaemia. Might have no choice…

[sammyiztalking]

🌙 Day 4 🌙

There was no day 4 yesterday. Going to start again today.

Unfortunately, I had a family outing (seeing sister and niece) and had a takeaway/high fat food. I didn’t want to look suspicious. I felt so upset eating this food.

I was also feeling upset yesterday because the palliative care team went to see my boyfriend’s mum. Last year she was given a year to live. Now it’s weeks. FML, man. I feel so bad for my boyfriend. His grandmother died in April. Now his mum is going to go.

it really is so shit.

[sammyiztalking]

🌙 Day 3 🌙

Breakfast: 613

Lunch: 518  

Dinner: 216

total calories: 1347

💬✨Thoughts ✨💬

Boyfriend is starting to get suspicious. He’s not dumb. He’s also so distant and into himself. It’s because his mum is dying, but it does make me feel shit when he doesn’t want to be around me as much. Fuck, my mood is awful. I feel I shit.

[sammyiztalking]

🌙 Day 2 🌙

Breakfast: 286

Lunch: 518

Dinner: 648

Total: 1,434

💬✨Thoughts ✨💬

I fucked up and ate more than yesterday.

Urgh!

Also, today hasn’t been good. I saw my boyfriend mum earlier on. She’s dying from end stage liver disease and keeps getting progressively worse. She barely eats, which triggers me and I’m ngl: it makes me feel guilty.

I’m literally doing this to myself while her illness makes her starve. The doctors haven’t given her long to live and that, plus a plethora of shit too long to list, has made me relapse.

I wore tighter than normal clothing and I just wanted to cry - especially at my thighs. God, I really HATE the way I look right now. All day I kept looking at thinner girls and wishing I could look like them. Be pretty like them.

God dammit. I can’t stand this. The way I feel. It’s shit. It’s weird because I’ve been feeling sad, yet not depressed. It feels odd.

But anyway, here’s hoping my saddle spell ends soon.

[sammyiztalking]

📌POST | READ FIRST

Welcome to my Tumblr. I am a Scottish millennial (she/her pronouns) w/ed, Autism & EUPD. I have a long history of shit mental health and ed relapses. I absolutely hate my body, so I'm planning to do something about it and track my progress. STATS:

Height - 5'7" SW - 62.9kg (as of 29/7/24)

GW - 50kg

UGW - 45kg

SOME INFO | ENGAGEMENT RULES

I am pro recovery, just not for myself. This blog is for my personal journey and is not a pro ed blog.

Your triggers are your responsibility. If something here upsets you, block. Don't report.

I don't speak to minors, so don't even think about following or messaging me if you're under 18. You will be blocked.

DO NOT ask me for tips n' tricks. I won't answer.

Ask me anything, but don't be a dick about it.

[sammyiztalking]

Day 1

Managed to keep to 1070 calories. Will try go lower tomorrow and see what happens. Biggest body ick is my thighs. They're like fucking chicken drumsticks. YUCK.