saad-days

[saad-days]

in the valley 🌿

[saad-days]

the CRT conversation with conservatives

if the demonstration of your values revolves around shitting on certain subsets and certain demographics of students then you do not get representation yeah. Your interests cannot be exclusive to others. Your interests and your wants cannot inherently exclude other people. If your political worldview and the demonstration of your politics revolves around oppressing people. If that's the case then yeah you are absolutely not entitled to that kind of representation of your views in teaching.

If your "diverse" interest revolves around eliminating diversity, then yeah that is insane. If I said my interests are based around eliminating a certain demographic like white people - like I want to eviscerate and remove all white families from certain areas and I don't want my kids going to school with white people - then you would automatically know that this is an insane take. Teachers are not here just for your conservative families' kids - they are here to teach hundreds of other kids - for everybody - not just your children. teachers have to teach EVERYONE not just your 4 kids that you have taught to be uncomfortable when confronted with what just is real history that is not whitewashed. If they hold white guilt then there is racism buried within them. if you are uncomfortable with being made to learn about historical truths that make you feel uncomfortable as a white person and you think that is somehow worse than the actual slavery, violence, horrific and obviously systematic racism that anyone who is a child has experienced that has been and still is the black experience in America.

as soon as white kids are uncomfortable because they had to learn real history we have to whitewash it and lie? yeah, that makes sense and will definitely be helpful in making sure racism stops being such a MASSIVE global issue. the lives. experiences and futures of black kids are just not important to you - say it out loud.

the experience and opportunities for black and white kids are completely different and it's not just retroactively and forcibly blind to ignore that, it's just racist to say we "are all the same" it's been very clear throughout history and in the present that this is absolutely not the case.

the completely stupid and backwards thought that black people are held back because they learn about slavery - BUT NOT THE ACTUAL IMPLICATIONS OF HISTORY - or the impact of slavery on black existence throughout all of history - and especially American history - is so incredibly stupid. Hearing about it is somehow worse than the true ramifications of existing in it? Yeah, make that make sense. don't think too hard there. hearing about it does not make black people hate themselves and think less of themselves, they already knew that this was the experience - this allows them and their history to be seen and not erased. It's white people that seem to ignore how detrimentally horrific and violent and oppressive the history of black people has been and how it was written and enacted in white society even today. the civil rights movement did not fix the inherent racism that has invaded and become a part of society and how white society rules everything. educating ourselves correctly moving forward is the only way to move past our history.

[saad-days]

i just don't understand how you can tell someone what your or someone else's pronouns are and then have that person just reject and ignore this very open plea for respect. To ignore the person in front of you's equal humanity and desire for understanding of who they ARE as a human being - just why? I cannot understand how you can - in a moment such as this - die on this extremely stupid hill. why can't you just be empathetic? Why is it so hard to actually lead with empathy when you walk around spouting weird Christian rhetoric that is supposedly "all-inclusive and loving" except when you decide this concept or way of life you cannot understand is bad - then you can just not include them - then you can just sexualize, demonize, and assume things about that person . And why don't you ever ask yourself? why you have these beliefs? Why do you make it okay for you to feel this way about a marginalized group of people. why do you feel your feelings about using pronouns are more important than someone's identity? Why is it suddenly so important to you to uphold grammar in a way that disrespects a human beings identity in such a small harmless way? why is you taking offense to a concept that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU somehow more important than just accepting and being understanding of someone else's experience as a human being? why are YOUR FEELINGS more important than this human beings reality? how can you see that your feelings are not empathetic and inclusive and are inherently just selfish when someone is just asking to be seen as what they are and are just asking for basic human respect? does taking away that option for acceptance in that other person make you feel better? does it take away from your experience as a human? does it take away from "your gender experience" when it has nothing to do with you?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU? WHERE IS YOUR EMPATHY FOR SOMEONE IN A LESS EQUAL POSITION THAN YOU? HOW CAN YOU JUST IGNORE SOMEONES PLEA FOR RESPECT.

[saad-days]

depression.

not working is depressing. What is even more depressing though is not feeling like I have any real purpose or skill and not knowing where to go from here. I have accepted that maybe I am just done with a career in animation. That I have outgrown it and it's not what I enjoy any longer. I have learned so much from it, but I just don't feel excited to animate or even compelled to do so any longer. I see how others my age are doing this as a living and how sad, overworked, and underpaid they are. How they have basically no job security or stability in the industry and how animators seem to be being replaced by AI. I just don't want my love for the craft - and art in general - to die under these circumstances.

I feel lost though. Where exactly do I go from here? What skills do I possess that are useful, that can be translated into some position in the workforce? I hate that the capitalistic nature of America and being a millennial are tied to my self-worth in this way. It's a noose around my neck that tightens more every day and it feels inescapable. Maybe I should do something that means absolutely nothing? Maybe I should go to beauty school to cut hair?

I want to work in production but it's so hard to weedle your way in. I want to be on sets, I want to be working in that industry but will I ever get there?

[saad-days]

Something isn't fitting right. I wanted it so badly, for so so long. I thought finally getting here would make me feel that fulfilling feeling that I feel I've been chasing my whole life. I thought - finally! I have a salaried position so I will never need more, I'll finally be set and comfortable, I won't have to keep chasing stability...but I'm just not happy. And even though I applied with disability I still have to go in every day and that is not doing well with my health. I thought I could but I cant see myself being able to not be work-from-home for the rest of my life with my health issues. I just never feel good. And I am so exhausted of acting like I'm fine every day and pushing down the pain and physical discomfort.

I finally want to move forward with creating my own shop with my own designs. I have had this idea for so long but recently I really decided to do it and stop putting it off. I just wish I had more time to create the art I want to. Like most of my job is pretending I am busy at the office when - if I was wfh I could get more done for my own business instead of just sitting here on my hands. Like why am I here, what am I supposed to be doing?? I feel like I got abused as fuck and now no one is giving me work and I feel so awkward and stressed about it. So I have started to get my website ready and updated and am looking for a work from home job opportunity because I just want the freedom of being able to move out of florida, to be able to do more for myself and get out of this country if I need or want to. I don't want to feel trapped in my career or circumstances and it's time to start doing more about it. So I am creating a plan and I will detail it here so I can get it straight in my head:

Get ideas from Lauren about how to go about setting it up and promoting stuff. - discord for creating products, storenvy is what she uses

create at least 12 designs for - stickers, keychains, hats, shirts, phone cases

^going off of 2 - stick with 1 or 2 themes - spooky, astrology, humor, combo into cute, Cryptid Catalogue ( chix with arms, mothman, beast of bray rd, vamps, TRUE CRIME CHARACTERS & SAYINGS )

put out feelers for a soft open - promote a few designs and say you're only releasing so much for now and to pre-order

open the store and make sure to promote it on the right platforms with the right hashtags and promos! be vigilant about it!

make some supplementary money and hopefully it will allow me to travel more and do more of what i want!

[saad-days]

couple o weeks ago buh bye freak

I honestly don't know what the fuck the think any more. You keep dropping these fucked up statements and starting fights for literally no reason. HOW can you say you know and "LIKE" jordan P*eterson when you don't even know he's constantly spouting misogynistic and insane christian shit constantly? And why take the opportunity to stick up for his freedom of speech when I was never saying anything about it.



The point is - I am not dating someone who wants to start fights for no reason or prove some fucking point. Starting a fight to prove something is putting the others person's feelings about this subject to the side and putting your ego and need to be "right" on the subject first. I don't ever want to be with someone who puts their ego and need to prove a point and prove someone wrong first. I don't fucking want to have an argument, I find them extremely upsetting and stressful. It's a huge trigger for me and I told you that. So what do you do? You decided that on a day when I told you I almost cried at work due to stress - that you were going to openly say that you don't "believe" that 6 million Jews died during the Holocaust. Like what the FUCK. Did you really just out yourself to be a Holocaust-denier?? And the fact that instead of just taking the fucking L that this was insanely fucked up to say and then continue to aggressively fight against me about it when I am hitting you with literal straight facts - is fucking completely insane.



Now I'm not sure I can see a future with someone who has slowly outed themselves as a capitalist, wants to be a politician?? wtf??, and someone who thinks it is okay to question the deaths during the holocaust is extremely concerning to me. Like if you don't show up with flowers and a fucking apology then you can fuck off. You want to explain yourself?? I know you can and should and it is the right thing for me to do to let you do this but - what the fuck do you need to explain? just say you fucked up and how you treated this subject and myself was fucking rude and disrespectful and not fucking okay.



Also the fact that you have recognized that you start fights or disagreements just to prove a point and YOU KNOW THIS and have ADMITTED IT to me - and then you did it again but in a worse and more fucked up context is not fucking okay. If you know this is an issue in your behavior stop ignoring it and allowing your ego and need to win and make everything a competition. It's not going to make having a relationship easy or possible for you.



What do I do? Do I give you a chance? Do I let this go and forgive you for this behavior that it seems youre not even trying to change? Is this worth it? Are you worth my time? Are we even compatible other than physically? Or will you just continue to be a dick to me?



Also why have you never gotten me flowers? How many times do I need to drop that I love flowers for you to never try and get me anything? wtf is wrong with you, i have dated many poor people and that was never even an excuse to not bring flowers or something after being

I honestly don't know what the fuck the think any more. You keep dropping these fucked up statements and starting fights for literally no reason. HOW can you say you know and "LIKE" jordan P*eterson when you don't even know he's constantly spouting misogynistic and insane christian shit constantly? And why take the opportunity to stick up for his freedom of speech when I was never saying anything about it.



The point is - I am not dating someone who wants to start fights for no reason or prove some fucking point. Starting a fight to prove something is putting the others person's feelings about this subject to the side and putting your ego and need to be "right" on the subject first. I don't ever want to be with someone who puts their ego and need to prove a point and prove someone wrong first. I don't fucking want to have an argument, I find them extremely upsetting and stressful. It's a huge trigger for me and I told you that. So what do you do? You decided that on a day when I told you I almost cried at work due to stress - that you were going to openly say that you don't "believe" that 6 million Jews died during the Holocaust. Like what the FUCK. Did you really just out yourself to be a Holocaust-denier?? And the fact that instead of just taking the fucking L that this was insanely fucked up to say and then continue to aggressively fight against me about it when I am hitting you with literal straight facts - is fucking completely insane.



Now I'm not sure I can see a future with someone who has slowly outed themselves as a capitalist, wants to be a politician?? wtf??, and someone who thinks it is okay to question the deaths during the holocaust is extremely concerning to me. Like if you don't show up with flowers and a fucking apology then you can fuck off. You want to explain yourself?? I know you can and should and it is the right thing for me to do to let you do this but - what the fuck do you need to explain? just say you fucked up and how you treated this subject and myself was fucking rude and disrespectful and not fucking okay.



Also the fact that you have recognized that you start fights or disagreements just to prove a point and YOU KNOW THIS and have ADMITTED IT to me - and then you did it again but in a worse and more fucked up context is not fucking okay. If you know this is an issue in your behavior stop ignoring it and allowing your ego and need to win and make everything a competition. It's not going to make having a relationship easy or possible for you.



What do I do? Do I give you a chance? Do I let this go and forgive you for this behavior that it seems youre not even trying to change? Is this worth it? Are you worth my time? Are we even compatible other than physically? Or will you just continue to be a dick to me?



Also why have you never gotten me flowers? How many times do I need to drop that I love flowers for you to never try and get me anything? wtf is wrong with you, i have dated many poor people and that was never even an excuse to not bring flowers or something after being a huge raging asshole to me.



What am I even doing. Do I even want this? I'm not sure anymore. I feel like I deserve a lot better than this. I deserve someone who at this point should be acting a lot more caring and supportive and wanting to be with me. But you are selfish. And it's great to a point, but you take it so far and are kind of a controlling dick.





What am I even doing. Do I even want this? I'm not sure anymore. I feel like I deserve a lot better than this. I deserve someone who at this point should be acting a lot more caring and supportive and wanting to be with me. But you are selfish. And it's great to a point, but you take it so far and are kind of a controlling dick.



[saad-days]

I'm falling for you. Sometimes feelings are like that, they just creep up on you.

[saad-days]

Search Tumblr230New postsNow, where were we?

Text

Photo

Quote

Link

Chat

Audio

Video

staffgamingFollowgamingFollow

Ready player one, two, three: Twitch comes to Tumblr

We are launching Twitch embeds on web! Simply select the video post option on your dashboard, grab the embed link from the stream you want to share, and paste it into the “Add video from web” field. Click “Post,” and the stream will appear magically on…your post, duh. If you’re a Twitch streamer, you might boost your audience and even make a little pocket money broadcasting here on Tumblr. If you like watching Twitch but want to do more of that from the comfort of your Tumblr dash, well, now you can. So, giddy up: we hope your consoles are on and your headsets poised.

Need to know more? Check out this nifty Help Center article.

If you have any further questions, you can drop us a line on @wip or Support, and keep an eye out for more on @changes.staff

A nice little update for all you streamers (and viewers) on Tumblr. Live now!#features#twitch#twitch embeds2,731 notessaad-days

April 7, 2022

I really don't want to embarass myself or self-sabotage but I want to just keep gushing about him.

I really don’t want to count my eggs before they hatch but this feels….different. Like I don't know how to explain it - but intuitively I just get this “knowing” or feeling when I start seeing someone how to describe it but I always just know if it's gonna last or be a fizzle and fade. And this time idk how to explain it but - I’ve never felt this way, like maybe sort of when I first met Wil but it's still different than even that. All this weird physical stuff has been happening to me - like I've been only sleeping around 3 hrs a night and I have this weird constant energized elated feeling. The only way I feel I can describe it is that it feels like wearing Moldavite all the time, even though I am not.

You have quickly become my favorite person to hear from and my favorite person to talk. The way our conversations flow is so natural and so vibrant and fun and just the vibe - as the kids say - is immaculate.

And just I feel so lucky that not only do we have so much in common, we both adore talking with each other, are attracted to each other, but you're older and have your shit together. I just am very into the fact that you're 32, that you have financial stability, a place you can afford, pets, just all of this maturity is so fucking nice and such a massive shift from the people I was dating - who almost always just made me feel I was taking care of them or they were interested in me because I was far more stable than them.

Darling you are so pretty it hurts. Really a boy this beautiful is just so very very rare. Beautiful and handsome all at the same time. You have the feminine qualities I like and look for in cis males, with the soft perfect skin, nice eyebrows, earrings, painted nails, like boy you are perfectly andro for me ugh. And I cannot get over how hot you are. I usually don't care THAT much about a slim and decently-built physique but holy shit do you blow everyone I have ever dated out of the fucking ocean.

I cannot stress enough how disappointed I am that I'm going away as you're returning and we can't see each other this weekend. Like I barely know you yet I find myself longing to be with you again - missing you, thinking of you constantly.

I think you feel the same? At least, it seems you do. But I'm terrified to get attached just to have you leave. I want you to the one that sticks around. Because, the truth is - I think we could really build something real together. I can see us having a life together, like really truly I don't get that "red flag" feeling whenever I start to think of the future with you. And I've had that with everyone else before you and chose to ignore it. But that is not the feeling this time and I feel like I'm finally happy again and I actually have so much to look forward to every day. Compared to life in January, I am a completely different person. I'm not thinking about death and not wanting to be alive. I've let go of what held me back and down forever. And I wish I had done this a year ago, I wish I had listened to everyone instead of acting like I was going to fight fate and reality.

It's almost hard to recognize myself, slowly I've changed, turned into someone else. And yet also found my way back to who I am.

The last year was maybe the hardest one I've been through and yet I'm grateful for the lowest lows because I became stronger and can appreciate this joy and love that is entering my life now.#journal#journal entry#journaling#getting over someone#moving on#new love#realtionships#happiness#self love#self care#saad days1 notesaad-days

Scotty

I can't believe I'm writing about a boy. I didn't expect our meeting to be anything honestly. I thought I was into someone else until you walked up to my door in your black docs and ripped black jeans, pushing your curly brown hair out of a perfectly sculpted face, meeting my eyes and smiling big, showing off those fucking adorable dimples.

After everything since summer 2020 I really didn't have any hope or expectations for romance - especially with a cis, straight man - if I'm being completely honest. I really thought I was done with y'all after my ex, but my sexuality is fluid and I like who I like. But here I am, hoping !

So for myself - and I guess whomever is reading this - let's take this back to the first day we met after I managed to re-hinge my jaw from the floor where it dropped when I first saw him.

April 1st and if you weren't a Virgo I might've thought it was some type of sick universal joke on me. Because there is no way I would have such luck. I actually ghosted him when I started talking to Malcolm in February and I just stopped responding. But when I went back on tinder recently, I felt weirdly compelled to respond to him again and get to know him more. So I did something I almost never do: I gave this stranger on the internet my number. I know right? Absolutely wild of me! No one does this! (lol) And I'm so glad I did.

**this is my journal so I am allowed to ramble without making this make sense as some sort of "piece".

Immediately I felt extremely comfortable around you - despite being incredibly self-conscious and nervous after meeting you in the flesh. You surprised me with your nice smile, your nice car, your aesthetic matching my own, your mature and somewhat stoic nature, and yet your ability to quietly and smoothly insert compliments and niceties that knock me silly and make me blush. The fact that you not only actually listened to the playlists I forcibly sent you, but that you LIKED them and then went on to enjoy the bands that you didn't know in them, tell me about them, and then PLAY MY PLAYLISTS FOR YOUR FRIENDS?!

Like BOY. You have got to be kidding me with this one. My whole heart is full.

Not only that but he was so into Horror movies and had watched all of Pretty Face and knew Henry Zebrowski. Just green flags left, right, up AND down. We even talked about Aliens man.

Just everything felt right. And for days before meeting him I was barely sleeping, my heart was constantly beating out of my chest and I felt so anxious and weird - as if something huge was coming. These are actually all things I experience before something life-changing happens to me or someone very important is coming into my life.

I went in expecting the usual tinder date. A guy that wants a lot more from me than I from him. A guy who is usually far more interested romantically and physically in me than I could ever even have the capacity for in return.

But this was not that. I immediately could tell this was different. The energy between us seemed to vibrate and I felt those butterflies beating at my ribcage and rising up into my heart, giving me palpitations. You made my cheeks flush and my brain-to-mouth connection was rendered completely useless by just your presence.

Going back to my place after kava was unexpected honestly, I was not going to have you over after, but when you asked it just felt right. I will say I was nervous because I then started to think you just wanted to get into my pants and....at this point - after getting to know how absolutely fascinating you as a person and your experiences and background were, and the fact that we hold the same love & family values and are in similar situations in terms of our families - I wanted more. And when you went to put your arm around me and asked if that was okay my heart skipped maybe 6 beats. And then to hear that you were so nervous just to do that - wow.

Lighting cupping my face in your hand and kissing me so softly - I felt this white-hot electricity between us and if I'm being honest I never thought I would feel what you awoke inside me again. I never thought anyone other than my ex could stir this type of feeling - this feeling that I know turns into love, in me ever again. I thought everyone else would be nothing compared to that love, that I would never feel this way again.

Is this real? Can I trust this? Can I trust you not to use me, hurt me, ghost me? Waiting this out until we can speak again Saturday is kinda killing me because then I get stuck with all these what-ifs? What if you meet some hot babe on the cruise and decide fuck this 27 yr old chick and I never hear from you again? I don't think so but that hooded emperor palpatine version of myself tells me he's gonna find someone better and I'm nothing. I know that's not how he feels but that part of me still shows up to haunt my joy sometimes.

You're away this week and I just hope that I will hear from you as soon as you get back on the mainland on Saturday.#dating#romance#journal#journal entry#saad days#tinder#first datesaad-days#cat#kitten#tongue#cat tongue#dopey#doofus

Check out these blogs

picsthatmakeyougohmmPics that make you go "hmm"Follow

tiktoksthataregood-ishtiktoks I likeFollow

dankmemeuniversityDank Meme UniversityFollow

quotemadnessQuoteMadness - Literature QuotesFollow

Explore all of Tumblr

Radar

entertainmentFollow510 notes

April 22. 2022

And I have entered my 28th season. I felt like I had moved into this new chapter months ago though. But I can't believe how much has changed. I feel like I've become a completely different person, and yet found my way back to who I really am and what makes me truly happy and fulfilled. I feel like finally my dreams and goals for myself are manifesting currently.

[saad-days]

April 7, 2022

I really don't want to embarass myself or self-sabotage but I want to just keep gushing about him.

I really don’t want to count my eggs before they hatch but this feels….different. Like I don't know how to explain it - but intuitively I just get this “knowing” or feeling when I start seeing someone how to describe it but I always just know if it's gonna last or be a fizzle and fade. And this time idk how to explain it but - I’ve never felt this way, like maybe sort of when I first met Wil but it's still different than even that. All this weird physical stuff has been happening to me - like I've been only sleeping around 3 hrs a night and I have this weird constant energized elated feeling. The only way I feel I can describe it is that it feels like wearing Moldavite all the time, even though I am not.

You have quickly become my favorite person to hear from and my favorite person to talk. The way our conversations flow is so natural and so vibrant and fun and just the vibe - as the kids say - is immaculate.

And just I feel so lucky that not only do we have so much in common, we both adore talking with each other, are attracted to each other, but you're older and have your shit together. I just am very into the fact that you're 32, that you have financial stability, a place you can afford, pets, just all of this maturity is so fucking nice and such a massive shift from the people I was dating - who almost always just made me feel I was taking care of them or they were interested in me because I was far more stable than them.

Darling you are so pretty it hurts. Really a boy this beautiful is just so very very rare. Beautiful and handsome all at the same time. You have the feminine qualities I like and look for in cis males, with the soft perfect skin, nice eyebrows, earrings, painted nails, like boy you are perfectly andro for me ugh. And I cannot get over how hot you are. I usually don't care THAT much about a slim and decently-built physique but holy shit do you blow everyone I have ever dated out of the fucking ocean.

I cannot stress enough how disappointed I am that I'm going away as you're returning and we can't see each other this weekend. Like I barely know you yet I find myself longing to be with you again - missing you, thinking of you constantly.

I think you feel the same? At least, it seems you do. But I'm terrified to get attached just to have you leave. I want you to the one that sticks around. Because, the truth is - I think we could really build something real together. I can see us having a life together, like really truly I don't get that "red flag" feeling whenever I start to think of the future with you. And I've had that with everyone else before you and chose to ignore it. But that is not the feeling this time and I feel like I'm finally happy again and I actually have so much to look forward to every day. Compared to life in January, I am a completely different person. I'm not thinking about death and not wanting to be alive. I've let go of what held me back and down forever. And I wish I had done this a year ago, I wish I had listened to everyone instead of acting like I was going to fight fate and reality.

It's almost hard to recognize myself, slowly I've changed, turned into someone else. And yet also found my way back to who I am.

The last year was maybe the hardest one I've been through and yet I'm grateful for the lowest lows because I became stronger and can appreciate this joy and love that is entering my life now.

[saad-days]

Scotty

I can't believe I'm writing about a boy. I didn't expect our meeting to be anything honestly. I thought I was into someone else until you walked up to my door in your black docs and ripped black jeans, pushing your curly brown hair out of a perfectly sculpted face, meeting my eyes and smiling big, showing off those fucking adorable dimples.

After everything since summer 2020 I really didn't have any hope or expectations for romance - especially with a cis, straight man - if I'm being completely honest. I really thought I was done with y'all after my ex, but my sexuality is fluid and I like who I like. But here I am, hoping !

So for myself - and I guess whomever is reading this - let's take this back to the first day we met after I managed to re-hinge my jaw from the floor where it dropped when I first saw him.

April 1st and if you weren't a Virgo I might've thought it was some type of sick universal joke on me. Because there is no way I would have such luck. I actually ghosted him when I started talking to Malcolm in February and I just stopped responding. But when I went back on tinder recently, I felt weirdly compelled to respond to him again and get to know him more. So I did something I almost never do: I gave this stranger on the internet my number. I know right? Absolutely wild of me! No one does this! (lol) And I'm so glad I did.

**this is my journal so I am allowed to ramble without making this make sense as some sort of "piece".

Immediately I felt extremely comfortable around you - despite being incredibly self-conscious and nervous after meeting you in the flesh. You surprised me with your nice smile, your nice car, your aesthetic matching my own, your mature and somewhat stoic nature, and yet your ability to quietly and smoothly insert compliments and niceties that knock me silly and make me blush. The fact that you not only actually listened to the playlists I forcibly sent you, but that you LIKED them and then went on to enjoy the bands that you didn't know in them, tell me about them, and then PLAY MY PLAYLISTS FOR YOUR FRIENDS?!

Like BOY. You have got to be kidding me with this one. My whole heart is full.

Not only that but he was so into Horror movies and had watched all of Pretty Face and knew Henry Zebrowski. Just green flags left, right, up AND down. We even talked about Aliens man.

Just everything felt right. And for days before meeting him I was barely sleeping, my heart was constantly beating out of my chest and I felt so anxious and weird - as if something huge was coming. These are actually all things I experience before something life-changing happens to me or someone very important is coming into my life.

I went in expecting the usual tinder date. A guy that wants a lot more from me than I from him. A guy who is usually far more interested romantically and physically in me than I could ever even have the capacity for in return.

But this was not that. I immediately could tell this was different. The energy between us seemed to vibrate and I felt those butterflies beating at my ribcage and rising up into my heart, giving me palpitations. You made my cheeks flush and my brain-to-mouth connection was rendered completely useless by just your presence.

Going back to my place after kava was unexpected honestly, I was not going to have you over after, but when you asked it just felt right. I will say I was nervous because I then started to think you just wanted to get into my pants and....at this point - after getting to know how absolutely fascinating you as a person and your experiences and background were, and the fact that we hold the same love & family values and are in similar situations in terms of our families - I wanted more. And when you went to put your arm around me and asked if that was okay my heart skipped maybe 6 beats. And then to hear that you were so nervous just to do that - wow.

Lighting cupping my face in your hand and kissing me so softly - I felt this white-hot electricity between us and if I'm being honest I never thought I would feel what you awoke inside me again. I never thought anyone other than my ex could stir this type of feeling - this feeling that I know turns into love, in me ever again. I thought everyone else would be nothing compared to that love, that I would never feel this way again.

Is this real? Can I trust this? Can I trust you not to use me, hurt me, ghost me? Waiting this out until we can speak again Saturday is kinda killing me because then I get stuck with all these what-ifs? What if you meet some hot babe on the cruise and decide fuck this 27 yr old chick and I never hear from you again? I don't think so but that hooded emperor palpatine version of myself tells me he's gonna find someone better and I'm nothing. I know that's not how he feels but that part of me still shows up to haunt my joy sometimes.

You're away this week and I just hope that I will hear from you as soon as you get back on the mainland on Saturday.

[saad-days]

[saad-days]

April 4, 2022 monday

Where was I in March - May 2020? Where is Aquarius in my chart? 8th House of death, rebirth, transformations, mysteries, sex, deepest merging - failed relationships, those endings leading to new beginnings, discovering a new rebirth of self as one version of you dies.

I was trying to understand how to move past the feeling of being stuck and realizing I could not combat this when the world around me was also on a hiatus. I was forced to start facing my feelings that I was not expressing. Especially to Wil. I was not expressing my developing needs that were becoming more and more pressing on my conscious reality and feelings. I started to explore these feelings again, the draw towards dating and being attracted to women versus loving and living with this cis man i had been with through so much the past 4+ years. I still loved him but I wanted to grow. I wanted to live on my own, be single again and meet new people, and not feel like everything I would say and do was wrong and was going to be contested and every fight was somehow my fault even though it most certainly wasn't. During this time I was determining how I felt towards the relationship anymore. If I could keep living at this mom's house with him in the back room. If I could handle him never taking steps to create long term stability for himself because it wasn't drumming professionally in a successful band. And - don't get me wrong - I think we should all try with all our might to achieve our greatest dreams and ideals for ourselves, but if you cannot support yourself and the struggle is outweighing the benefits of continuing to live and work the way you are, then it's time try doing something to support yourself. Instead he was plenty comfortable relying on his mother and myself ( mostly me) for financial security and support. Allowing me to work harder and longer than he ever did and taking money from me to never pay me back countless times. That amongst a lot more made me feel more and more frustrated and resentful of him over time. It was bound to reach its breaking point.

I had always dreamed of living in my own little apartment. With a kitten and plants, and my own decor creating a vibe that is completely my own. A place where I could do whatever I wanted, where I could imagine myself lighting up a j to a podcast, while I cook my dinner in my mood-lit apartment. And honestly - this felt like a pipe dream, probably because I always imagined it in NYC, but it never felt like it would be a reality. But I started treating it as such, a reality I was absolutely GOING to manifest. That I was going to make into a reality. And after working some shitty jobs that I didn't like and that were absolutely a joke, they somehow brought me to the perfect job and place I'm in now. I even found that perfect apartment for myself and it is the dream I had always envisioned living there.

Everything seemed to fall into place as long as I had faith in my higher self and the higher powers like the goddess who's path I walk Hecate, Venus, the Morrigan, Ganesha, Lakshmi, Archangel Michael, my ancestors, my spirit guides. And I did, even when I was beyond broken, when I became so suicidal that I almost actually stabbed myself in the heart. I felt so much like I had been hit in the head with a giant rolling pin. The pain helped me remember who I was before I became co-dependent with Wil. Who I was, what I wanted, my hopes and dreams, and that passion to truly live for ME came back. It took time and I even hated living alone for a while, but it grew on me and I feel like it really helped me create boundaries for myself in my heart and life. Never again will I let someone else's desires and what they want push mine away or down. Mine come FIRST from now on.

My needs and wants are most important and I need to keep that in check and stop moving the goalpost for anyone to jump the line. And it sucks that I have had to hurt some people but it also outed them as people that were: over-controlling of me, manipulative, selfish, and using me for what they saw me as. I don't want to be manipulated and used that way ever again. I don't want to be seen as a sexual object who's worth lies in their ability to be physical and who is pushed physically into things I don't want.

And looking back at the time around November - January 2021 I was In such a forced pain place where Wil had manipulated me so badly for months and it was coming to a head that I just could not deal with any longer. He was being lovey and flirting and saying he missed me and staying over and making moves on me and expecting kissing and hooking up and I just...fell right into that hole again. He then ignored me for a month just to come back and yell at me psychotically when he was having a manic episode. And I can understand and forgive you for mental health issues, but - you have known about this for years and have done nothing to work on your mental health, you NEED medication and still would never even try to take them. You acted like all of the fights we had (That you would bring up every time) were just as much my fault when in reality most of our fights I was confused and hurt that we were fighting and most of the time was asking why it had gone this far and why he was screaming at me or starting a fight. It's sad that he will never take responsibility for his mental health and take care of himself. But it is not my responsibility or problem. It is not up to me to take care of him and make sure he is supported and cared for anymore. That always should have been on him but he would still put that on me after I left. The codependency spell he had on me was finally broken when he showed up in that manic state less than a week after I had adopted San and she was just a terrified little kitten and his yelling was scaring her. I told him to stop and he said "I don't care about her" and that was IT for me. It was like something inside me finally snapped. He was scaring her, being completely inconsiderate of everything I had asked of him when he walked in. It was upsetting and scary and it continued even after I got him out of my apartment but that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. He was forcing me to hear about some dumbass girl he was into and how he was pitting me against her?? I deserve better than this. He literally was taking his mental state out on me after he had ignored me for a month after hooking up with me. How absolutely fucked up is this? I remember thinking this is fucking it. And I had Ede and Janet come over because I wanted him to get out of my house.

And that's it. 5+ years. Over. It feels I'm finally fully free. Like I'm living my life for me on my own terms. Making decisions just for me and not considering him and his needs as a musician now. I'm no longer supporting someone who will never be able to equally return the support. And that feels empowering. Freeing. Incredible.

Welcome in this new person. This new chapter of life that feels has been burgeoning for over a year and a half now.

La vie est belle, et elle commence demain.