rsolarsystem

[rsolarsystem]

I feel so fucking alone

[rsolarsystem]

Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things.

Khalil Gibran

[rsolarsystem]

“The woman you are becoming will cost you people, relationships, spaces, and material things. Choose her over everything.”

— Unknown

[rsolarsystem]

My Monsters Walk Amongst People

The monsters don't have big teeth, claws and hide in the dark. The real monsters look people like you and I in the eye and pretend to be safety. They chisel at your walls and leave you vulnerable.

[rsolarsystem]

Having trauma is such a scary concept. I question myself all the time. I can't trust myself. Did it really happen? Of course, it did. I can't remember the same things from day to day. My mind is protecting me by hiding the things I'm ill-equipped to deal with or understand.

[rsolarsystem]

Atlas is 12 weeks old tomorrow. He gives me a lot of reasons to wake up every day and try my best. Love you boogie.

[rsolarsystem]

Losing my grip on reality

I keep seeing the shadow people. I saw help me written in the sky. I keep feelings hands on me. everywhere. I can't do it. I cant deal with it anymore. It hurts., Im scared. I dont understand whats going on. I gag everytime I try to make myself eat

[rsolarsystem]

DID Self-Validation

The human mind isn't supposed to endure that much significant trauma, but it did. My body and my mind survived. I left with DID and CPTSD. I am different, but I am loveable. I am worthy of kindness and softness.

Speak softly and kindly to your inner child and let them know, it's okay. You've got this now. You are in control.

[rsolarsystem]

This hurt my heart when I watched it. AAAAAAAND it still does

[rsolarsystem]

Middle: Bite them and rawr like a dinosaur.

Host: Oh god, not again

Host: Time sensitive question how do we solve this problem

Gatekeeper: Dissociate

Protector: Murder

Little: Cry

Host: Thanks everyone

[rsolarsystem]

Pressure

I feel so much pressure on me.

"You'll be better by then, right."

What ridiculous, unfair and ignorant comment. Instant panic. Offering 5 days of accommodation as a result of severe trauma.

After January 1st, I'll be fine though.

WHAT THE FUCK. why did I even try.

[rsolarsystem]

[rsolarsystem]

You're allowed to hate having DID.

Just like any other mental illness, you're allowed to hate having it. If you don't want to view it as a blessing or a beautiful survival mechanism, you don't have to.

You can have mixed feelings. You can feel grateful that it helped you survive and still hate that you're living with it now. You can hate how it makes you feel and what it's done to your life.

You can feel gratitude and love towards your parts/alters and still hate the struggles. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you have about it.

Don't let anyone guilt or shame you about the feelings that you have about your mental illness.

[rsolarsystem]

System things:

Being the part baring many taxing tasks

Extreme body dysmorphia and self hate

Unsure of certain beliefs when different parts have different opinions

Some parts not remembering old friends

Fear to go in public and being triggered into switching

Being co conscious when you would rather not

Being co con and happy whole another part has stress induced muscle spasms so you feel the pain too

Fearing how others will watch and observe you if you tell them you’re a part of the system

[rsolarsystem]

Trauma Buffet

It was just another day

Surrounded by family

Who took her to the trauma buffet

No one noticed the casualty

Her legs were as heavy as steal

When she tried to run away

She prayed to a god who isn’t real

To save her from disarray

She locked her jaw

 and threw away the key,

An attempt to withdraw

Her fear was never absentee

[rsolarsystem]

First Love Sorrows

I cherished her smile,

bringing me happiness everyday

We were so juvenile

I hadn't seen her in a while;

not in our classes, not in the hallways

She seemed so fragile

I yearned to see her smile

"Please don't let me fade away."

Like a hummingbird, so volatile

I hadn't seen her in a while;

She moved cities, so far away

Our love was worthwhile

Hand in hand, we walked two miles,

a wonderful end to Saturday

I would have walked ten to see her smile

We crossed the train tracks, docile

He came after me, foul play

I simply adored her smile

She left me bleeding, unable to reconcile

[rsolarsystem]

Venus Fly Trap

You planted a seed inside of me

in secret littered with red warnings

A cycle of pain within our family

Branding scars on me every morning

No one questioned your intentions;

A God-fearing man, through and through

Countless occasions and no convictions

I still smell the damp, disgusting mildew

You tended to my poisonous garden,

clearing my path for more beasts

I screamed in silence with the burden

then prayed for the day I'd be deceased

I've grown too large to be contained

Everyone will know who to blame