reviewsbykarla

[reviewsbykarla]

magic mike franchise

one month ago i was admitted to the hospital with some crazy shit and i haven't been able to move around well ever since. luckily, i have some cool friends who have come to visit me at my dad's house in the middle of nowehere. but basically the only thing we can do is watch movies and my one friend doesn't like scrabble. but tis magic mike experience happened with a different friend. so anyways my friend came for two days to hang out and you know sometimes we're a little thirsty for looking at hot guys so we decided to watch magic mike and we enjoyed it so much we watched magic mic xxl the next night. i'm going to talk about the two movies as one.

first off, i didn't know channing tatum is currently dating zoe kravtiz.. um what? have you seen photos of them together? he looks like a 16 year old that hit puberty too fast and is trying to look unbothered and cool by riding a bmx bike everywhere. maybe he wants an escape plan when zoe kravitz gets approached to talk about her dad's dick after his pants ripped open on stage that one time. in magic mike though, he looks like a 20 year old who looks up to eminem and is really good at sex. i have to say, channing tatum is very charming and funny, he honestly reminds me of my himbo ex (bless his heart).

so there are six strippers and one mc: magic mike (aka white chocolate), the guy from blue collar, tarzan, the guy from csi, big dick rick, the kid, and matthew mcgounghoy.

below is my rating of hottness for each one from least hot to most hot:

7. the guy from blue collar: he is too pretty. his dancing is ok, it's not that bad but he's not good at gyrating. they describe him as the guy they have for married moms, and idk maybe that's true but he's like the kind of guy i would want to step on and not in a good way.

6. the kid: he was supposed to come across as super hot but yuck, he was not. he looked like someone stepped on his face and not in a good way. something about him made me think about this kid from the 8th grade who had a crush on me but i was best friends with his girlfriend and one day he told me he had a crush on me and i told him he was a pussy bitch.

5. tarzan: bless his heart, i liked tarzan the most personality wise, he was so cute and so big. he actually could not dance at all. i'm not sure why they cast him for this movie. there was one scene where they all did jumping jacks on stage and he didn't jump. he also couldn't gyrate. the last dance scene he didn't even dance, he just ripped his shirt off. i wonder if someone owed him a favor or just knew him and liked him and put him on this movie.

4. magic mike: i'm sorry mr. magic, but i just don't think you're that hot. you had the best moves out of all of them and you looked sooo good doing them, especially in the final dance scene in XXL but you're really beefy and you don't have enough hair... it just doesn't do it for me.

3. matthew mconoughy: he was only in the first movie and went by the name Dallas. he wasn't in the second movie cause he went to film dallas buyers club. i am honestly confused about my feelings for him. sometimes i think he's so hot and sometimes i think he is a bit wrecked. but his voice is like molasses and draws me in. i would call him if he was a phone sex operator. his dance scene at the end of the first movie made me feel things. i actually don't think i can talk about it.... to my future lover - please dress like a cowboy and dance for me PLEASE

2. big dick rick: ok um.. in one of the first scenes of the movie he is pumping his dick and it's literally in the foreground. he also has the funniest scene in the mini mart. and in his last dance sequence he pretends to marry a woman and then puts her in a sex swing and humps her to i want to fuck you like an animal by nine inch nails. i'm starting to sweat just thinking about it.......... maybe he is my number one....

guy from csi: i hestitate to put him as number 1 hottest cause in the first movie he had no hair and i wasn't that into him but in the second movie he had this curly mop that made him look SO good. but he is deffo not the best dancer but he's probably the most my type but keep in mind i am most attraced to twinks so you can't trust me but overall he is a hot latino guy with a big smile and out of a lineup of beefy white guys i'm sorry but he takes the crown.

basically these movies had horrible boring plot lines and incredible dance sequences and really hot guys. i think the best scene in the entire franchise was the stripper club in savvanah run by jada pinket smith, but i WILL knock some points down for childish gambino being in there making up love songs and looking frail - if the film makers could take anything back they should take him back. i was here for HOT GUYS and against the lineup of beefcakes he was NOT HOT (not saying he is not hot but in this environment he should have stepped away).

these movies were literally only made for people who like looking at hot guys and imaginging them doing them. you don't need to watch the movies just google the dance scenes. i'm here for it.

*** 10/10 ***

[reviewsbykarla]

my favorite albums of 2019

it's december 30th and you thought i forgot!! here are my favorite albums of 2019 organized by time of year they were significant in my life, with a few choice words on each. I spent a large part of the year listening back to older stuff and not particularly into anything new, but with fall came albums that defined the rest of my year. 2019 was a year of positive change for me and reaffirmed to me that with tragedy comes growth. don't forget it!

find an extensive playlist of my favorite songs from 2019 here: open.spotify.com/playlist/0ZgjOmyLpLFAp1xxEa0e5j

Assume Form by James Blake (January-March)

The song "I'll Come Too" was a topic of discussion for a while amongst me and my best music nerd friend. He thinks it's about someone finding true, lasting love. I think it's about the intensity of orgasm with someone you truly love. Thoughts?

Purple Mountains by Purple Mountains (July-August, December)

David Berman has always been an influential songwriter in my life. When I first heard this album, I felt so sad; It sounded like he had given up on life. When he committed suicide soon after its release, I couldn't bring myself to listen to this album again for months. It's so tragic, that sometimes death is the only thing that can give you life.

Immunity by Clairo (August-October)

I had low expectations for this album and I was completely surprised. The production quality is so high and the style of the album overall felt very original. Clairo is a really great lyricist able to write relatable songs and working with Rostam was a really good move on her part. While I loved the album and had it on non-stop repeat, her live show was the worst show I have ever seen in my entire life. I'm sorry.

Essentials by Erika de Casier (August-September)

This album is SO good. It slaps in all the right places and is reminiscent of 90s hip-hop r&b, but better. Listening to this is like walking through a candy shop and getting all of your favorite things.

House of Sugar by Alex G (September-December)

I love Alex G. Always have, always will. I genuinely think he is one of the greatest artists of my lifetime. This is his best album yet hands down. I can't even begin to tell you why, but please listen to it. Go birds.

Pang by Caroline Polachek (October-December)

Wow! Pang is a masterpiece. If I had to pick a #1 album of the year, it's Pang. Caroline Polachek wrote Pang coming out of her divorce. Each song hits hard lyrically, both simple and complex at the same time. The production is incredible and the album is as niche as it is accessible. The perfect album.

Iowa dream by Arthur Russell (November-December)

Arthur Russell was a genius. Towards the end of 2019 I was reverting back to my old folk-rock sensibilities, Iowa Dream coming out at the exact right time. I felt nostalgic, content, excited. Every song on this album is beautiful and touching. I hope there is more to come from Russell's thousands of unreleased recordings.

Information by Galcher Lustwerk (December)

This album is hot. Every track is thick with beats that make me feel like jello. Play this at the club and get close with that cutie you want to dance with.

Zdenka 2080 by Salami Rose Joe Louis (December)

I only recently found this album and I immediately fell in love with it. It's so beautiful, minimalist and slightly haunting. An experimental album of this variety always tugs at my heart strings, reinforces butterflies in my stomach, makes me want to swim in a lake at midnight under a starry sky with the person I love.

[reviewsbykarla]

Game of Thrones: Season 8, Episode 2

brienne of tarth and tormund need to SMASH

[reviewsbykarla]

Game of Thrones: Seasons 1 & 2

I just started watching Game of Thrones for the first time ever. I feel like this is a good time of life to start watching it, as I feel less pressure to know what's going on. Which is definitely a good thing because what the fuck is going on in this show? I have been trying to pay attention, but it's so hard. I keep needing to stop episodes halfway through and rewind episodes. My roommate is a big fan, and she keeps asking me questions about things that happened and I just keep answering, "wait, what happened?" So I guess I'll try to start with a list of the important characters and where they live just to remind myself of everything that happened, also their relative relationships to the show:

Winterfell

- The Starks: King (?) Ned and Lady Catelyn

- Sansa (daughter of Ned Stark and Catelyn)

- Arya (daughter of Ned Stark and Catelyn)

- Robb (son of Ned Stark and Catelyn, later becomes king)

- Other stark boys (fuck I can't remember the name of the one who is paralyzed but I love him so much)

- Jon Snow (bastard son of Ned Stark)

- Hodor

- The lady who helps Hodor

- The wise man

- Lady Catelyan's right hand lady who comes around in Season 2

North of the wall people (wilderlings? wild things?)

- Redhead who edges on Jon Snow (I really like her)

Kings Landing

- Cerci Lanister (fuck her)

- Joffery Lanister (fuck him)

- Tyrion Lanister

- Kingslayer Lanister (can't remember his first name)(just remembered it's Jamie)

- Peter Dinklage's whore who he falls in love with

Iron Islands

- That jerky guy

- The jerky guys sister who gets in charge because she's better than him

- Their father

East of Westeros

- Kal Drogo (RIP)

- Danerys Targarian (aka Kahlessi)

- Kahlessi's man aid guy/right hand man

- Kahlessi's dragons (3)

Other people

- Stannis Barathean

- The cool lady that marries Robb Stark

- The Lanister father (is that Stannis Barathean? How did he end up where he is?)

- Lady Margery

- Lady Margery's brother

oh god i'm forgetting so many people and important story lines....

So season one is the intro. There is a fight for the throne. I remember that it started because King Robert (?) died. He was married to Cersi. So then Cersi's son, Joffery becomes king. But Joffery is a tiny little asshole (LDE am I right??) and no one wants him to sit on the Iron Throne except Cersi. I think that's what starts the game. Basically everyone in Westeros is ticked off because they believe they have the right to the throne. So a war starts and shit gets crazy and lots of people get killed. Starting with Ned Stark. I didn't expect him to die so soon but I didn't really care for him so I wasn't disappointed. Basically, Joffery becomes king and he kills Ned because Ned was plotting to take him off the throne. Butttt that also reminds me that the reason Ned was there in the first place, is because the king's hand died (King Robert's hand). Some people were speculating that the Lanister's killed the hand to try and get the throne. So basically everything is the Lanister's fault. And Cerci and Jamie were having sex (incest) and Joffery was their kid (it's all fucked up). And then Joffery gets so pissed off that he beheads Ned Stark in front of his daughters and puts his head on a stake. And then Arya and Sansa are held captive (sort of) at Kings Landing, but Arya gets away. I have no idea how, but Arya ends up with Stannis Barathean and pretends to be a boy for a while but then everyone realizes she's a girl and she is basically this little slave helper until she runs away with the help of some dude who's face changes.

That brings me to my next point - I had no idea this was a fantasy show. There are a lot of made up things. I knew there were dragons from the get go, but that didn't click in my head that this show IS NOT BASED IN REALITY. There is some weird shit that goes on. Like dark magic and demons and shit. It's really unrealistic and I really wasn't expecting it. I'm not sure who has magic, how they have the magic, where it comes from, etc. Kahlessi has some kind of magic but it seems more like she just knows how to control her dragons... That begs the question, did she just watch "How to Train your Dragon" and is faking it till she makes it? Not sure.

My third point would be, Kahlessi fucking rocks. I love her. She is my favorite character. She is also trying to get the throne. So these are the people that are fighting for the throne:

- Robb Stark

- Kahlessi

- Stannis Barathean

- That magical guy

- The jerky guy

- Probably others i'm not remembering...

Kahlessi married Kal Drogo (may he RIP that hot piece of meat) but the whole situation was fucked up because she was basically forced to marry him and he rapes her and then she falls in love with him??? what the fuck? whatever. Then she gets pregnant with his son and then this crazy witch lady kills her son and Kal Drogo and then Kahlessi walks into a fire with some dragon eggs and these dragons are birthed (they weren't supposed to ever be birthed) and she survives this bonfire and ends up with as queen of the dragons with 3 dragons. Then she's like "fuck you all! I'm getting what's mine!" and sets off on her one-woman quest to the throne and takes no dirty business from nobody. So far, it's inspiring. So when I left off, she had just gotten her dragons back and was finally getting a ship, because she is east of westeros and has to cross the narrow sea to get to the throne. She's the one with the toughest luck here, being so effing far away. Honestly I think she deserves it for making that crazy journey and doing it all on her own. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.

So let's see... other important story lines.

- Tyrion Lanister falls in love with a whore, which is a big deal because he fell in love with a whore before and his dad killed her (or banished her? I'm not sure).

- Jamie Lanister has been captured by Lady Catelyn and is being held hostage in exchange for her daughter, Sansa and Arya, but she doesn't know Arya has already escaped. Later on she lets him go and Robb gets wayyy pissed and basically starts holding his mom hostage because she fucked things up for him.

- There's a guy without a penis who is really important but I'm not totally sure why.

- There's another guy who owns a brothel... better add him to the list up top... and he's important. He used to be in love with Lady Catelyn, I think he still is actually, and he does something good and ends up getting awarded a castle. He tells Sansa he will help her get back to winterfell.

- Sansa was betrothed to Joffery on an agreement between King Robert and Ned Stark. She's miserable because Joffery is a psychopath and kills everyone and beats up Sansa. Sansa does not want to be there but is scared she's gonna get killed or something, so she pretends to love him and to be loyal to the Lanisters. Eventually Joffery is like "fuck you your father betrayed me so I'm gonna marry Lady Margery"

- Winterfell gets burned down because the jerky guy tries to take over and his army turns their backs on him and capture him and burn the city down. So no one's there anymore, sorry Sansa.

- Jon Snow is up in the snow somewhere and there's a lot of sexual tension between him and the redhead. They should really just get it on. Also he's a virgin.

- Hodor carries the nice little stark boy who has escaped winterfell after it burned. Not sure where he's going.

Now that I've recapped the first two seasons, I will let you in on my overall review. Interesting concept, not sure if I buy the fantasy, I'm really mostly hooked because I'm rooting for Kahlessi, and I want to watch Jon Snow lose his virginity. There is way too much female nudity, there should be more male nudity. I wish there was less raping. I just think they could have made that a less important torture tactic and still gotten the general barbaric vibes across. I think there should be some kind of guide that comes along with the show to help me keep the locations and names straight, cause I keep getting lost. I wish they could brighten up the shots a bit more because it's hard to watch in the dark and I get really sleepy. I guess I understand why people like this show so much: there's love, there's death, there's drama, there's nudity, there's actual porn, and there's lots of blood and intrigue. I just don't think it's really my genre or cup of tea, but I also really want to know what happens now so I'm definitely going to keep watching.

So far, I'd give it a 6.5/10

[reviewsbykarla]

2018 in 10 albums

This was the year that I slept on most albums, but this was also the year where my annual soundtrack dug the deepest. Every song and album I listened to this year on repeat, came to me at a time when I needed it most, when it hit me the hardest. 2018 was truly the most terrible but most amazing year, and I am so, so grateful.

Instead of rating these albums in order of least favorite to most favorite, I will rate them in order of how they impacted my year.

(April - June) Kacey Musgraves: Golden Hour

If I had to chose a number one, it would be this album, because of the moments it got me through. I felt a lot of confusion, fear and uncertainty this year, but I also felt love and adoration and excitement and hope. Kacey Musgraves sings about how she's figured things out a bit, how she's built up even more confidence, but sings it all with this dose of realism that reminds you "life can be really fucking hard and weird but it's also such a blessing to be alive and having real experiences".

Two of my best friends totaled my car at the same time I had this album on heavy rotation. As I raced to meet them hours away in the middle of the night, sobbing and imaging a world in which I didn't have them, getting messages from them apologizing about my car, I kept reminding myself that I have to cherish every second I have with every person that I love. Driving away from the scene, back to reality, with two of the most important people in my life who survived a totaled car with no bumps or bruises, listening to Golden Hour, was really, truly, the most golden hour of my year.

(July-August) Tierra Whack: Whack World

This was the year of podcasts. I always enjoyed podcasts but this year I REALLY enjoyed podcasts. Tierra Whack was an artist I heard about on a podcast, and I was very intrigued. What turned out to be a short, fun, unique album, reminded me that not everything needs to be so serious. Even if it is serious, there is so much lightness in being.

(August-September) Channel Tres EP

Channel Tres came to me right around my birthday. I was feeling good, I was feeling happy, I was definitely ready to finally let loose and party. This EP is fire. I can't listen to it without grooving and smiling. What could have been an EDM album turned into an album reminiscent of the deep house that I always want to hear at the club, but it's so rare to find.

(August-September) Liz Cooper and the Stampede: Window Flowers

I missed Liz Cooper this year. I could have seen her play in June, but I showed up to the concert late because I was busy watching puffins. But I heard she was great, so I kept her on my radar. This album came out not much later, and it brought me back to that weekend in Maine, where I accomplished one big thing I set out to do that year, and said fuck it to everything because I was enjoying every moment of that summer and I was letting myself be happy and seize every moment and feeling that came my way. Liz Cooper's album covers a lot of ground lyrically and instrumentally, and is such an enjoyable listen from beginning to end. It feels and sounds like Maine, and will always take me there.

(September-October) Black Belt Eagle Scout: Mother of my Children

Mother of my Children is one of the most incredible albums of this year. Instrumentally, it's brilliant. Lyrically, you can really feel every word that Katherine Paul lets out. This album is about loss and mourning. You can feel the tragedy, you can feel the pain, you can feel the hope. This album gave me courage.

(October) Adrianne Lenker: abysskiss

Abysskiss gave me the space to reflect on a long, exhausting, painful and rewarding year. Adrianne Lenker has this talent where she can make an album seem so softspoken, but she is cutting through the air with a knife, saying more than you realize. These are the kinds of albums that bring me comfort but also never fail to make me cry.

(October-November) Teyanna Taylor: K.T.S.E.

K.T.S.E. was that album that made me feel like I could do whatever I wanted with whoever I wanted. This modernist soul album is smooth, silky, interesting, exciting, explicit, and everything I wanted to be listening to at that moment. There are moments in this short album where it feels like Teyanna Taylor maybe took on too much too soon, but she executes it with so much confidence that I don't even care. It's fire.

(November) Rick Rude: Verb for Dreaming

Sometimes I get really angry, and all I can do is laugh about it and feel a little rebellious. This album inspires that feeling. It came out right after I saw Rick Rude in concert, and I am still feeling a tiny bit of angst while walking down the street with my headphones on.

(November - December) Mac Miller: Swimming

All of the feelings hit me like a school bus when I started listening to Swimming. The pain, the sadness, the denial, the anger - for everything; for a year I wish never happened, but for a year that made me more whole of a person. I thought about running, I thought about leaving like I usually do. I felt connected to everyone's sadness in a way I had never thought possible.

I felt so much when I discovered this album and I felt closer to those people who were hurting around me. Mac Miller's last album conveys so much emotion, and is so well produced, every note and word digs in to you deep and hard. Also, Thundercat.

(November - December) The Marias: Superclean Vol. 2

Now that the year is almost over, I look back and feel proud that I accomplished many of the things i set out to do. It was the year that I learned just how strong I really am, the year I realized how real my emotions can be, and how much I can convince myself of things that I just make up in my head, of my tendency to self-sabotage. This was the year that I felt everything, and at the end of it I am feeling lucky, happy, more trusting of myself, and just of life in general. Listening to The Marias, this feeling of pure happiness and acceptance washes over me. Their dreamy sound is just that, dreamy, and it makes me all giddy inside. It reminds me that we all really need to take advantage of every fucking second and just enjoy the moments we are in while we are in them, with the people who are here to share them with us.

Thank you :-)

[reviewsbykarla]

the babadook

I finally did it. I watched the badabook. I’ve been hearing about this film for a long, long time and i was told it was “the scary movie for people who don’t get scared during scary movie”. i can’t even remember the last time a scary movie had me peeing my pants in fear, so let me tell you how excited I was for the bababook. i wanted it to be special, so i decided to screen it on my projector for my friends. little did i know, my roommate was the biggest scared person ever. jesus h christ he really was afraid. but it was hard to tell if he was being serious or not about his fear… i will get back to that.

SO fade in. the movie starts with a mother and child living alone at home. the mom is reading bedtime stories to her kid, as custom in popular culture. i honestly don’t remember what exactly happened between then and what i’m about to tell you, but it wasn’t really important if i can’t remember. so one day, the baby boy pulls out a new book and asks his mom to read it. it’s called “the babadook” and it’s about a creature that appears in your sleep and knocks knocks knocks before he comes in so you know he’s coming (doesn’t that kind of ruin the surprise?) and when you let him in, he theoretically tortues and kills you. After the mom read this she was like, oh fuck no we are throwing this gd book out” so she does. And the boy is already freaking out cause someone HAS been haunting him in his sleep. he’s pretty misbehaved though so the mom thinkis he’s just acting out since his dad died. like the baby boy is causing a lot of trouble in school and is like hurting people, and he blames it on the bababook but his mom and teachers are like, shut the fuck up you’re just being a little shit head. so anyawys, time goes on and the book keeps appearing in the house no matter how many times the mom throws it away. like waht the fuck!! i still wasn’t scared though. my roommate on the other hand, wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how scared he was even though he didn ‘twatch a god damn second of the film, instead staring at his phone so close to his face i thought he was gonna screw up his eyes. turns out, he was on tinder the whole fucking time!!!! every so often he would sit up and say “yo check out this chick on tinder” and then pass around his phone DURING THE MOVIE. i was really NOT IMPRESSED with him. i kept telling him to leave if he was so scared but he wouldn’t leave and just kept ruining the movie by interjecting with his dumb tinder and dumb opinions on how scary the movie was and how he “literally just can’t watch it” but still refused to laave the room or shut up.

i’m just so annoyed now that i can’t finish this synopsis. but rest assured, the badbook was truly not as scary as they said it was. but it wasn’t a bad movie.

*** 4/10 stars ***

[reviewsbykarla]

TRL: Frazier Season1 Episode 21

So Sadie has been watching Frazier forever and always talks about it and I’ve always thought it sounded funny but I’d never seen it. She recommended this episode in particular so this is where I started the show. Right off the bat, confusing. Is Frazier sophisticated? I needed to know so I texted Sadie, I didn’t want to spoiler anything for me but I couldn’t figure out how I felt about Frasier without knowing. Sadie said yes, he is sophisticated. So moving on, Frazier and this dude who looks like him but looks more like Patrick Michael hall (what’s his name? He’s in modern family), are arguing about drainers dad.

Basically Frazier decides to take his dad to Europe but then his dad says no, I wanna take a Winnebago across America. My question is: how does Frazier get all of that time off from work? You can’t just drive across the country all Willy nilly. Second question: how did his brother end up joining them? He also has unlimited vacation? What kind of family is this? 3. Did they already own a Winnebago? If not, how did they acquire one so fast?

Anyways, they end up in Canada and the Irish lady freaks out. Oh yeah, some Irish woman hangs out with them, but I have no clue who she is. So she is illegal in America and freaks out when she finds out she’s in candida cause she’s not supposed to leave America. Her friends tell her she was napping when they crossed the border.

Now, how does this make any sensse???? 1. You need passports to go to Canada. Maybe not back then but that’s no justification for 2. How did the border patrol not wake up Irish lady from her nap? One time I got stuck at the border and they woke up my friend who was sleeping in the back seat so they could verify her identity. Seems like logical, standard practice. And that brings me to 3. Wouldn’t they check EVERYONES IDs? Not necessarily passports but just plain old IDs? Again, standard practice for border security no matter what decade imo!

here’s the kicker: Frazier and niles dad tricks the border security into thinking that they were smuggling a jack russel terrier across the border. Dad calls the dog out from some hiding place and shows the border man a picture of the dog with the Seattle space needle. I found this to be rather funny because I know a jack russel terrier that lives in Seattle.

Overall, I think I need to watch frasier from the beginning to really appreciate it. That’s not saying I didn’t enjoy this episode but I was a little lost at some point with more questions than answers. I did laugh a bit so that’s always nice. Lots of plots holes.

**** 3/5 stars ****

[reviewsbykarla]

my going away party starring: me

I quit my job. It went really badly like so badly my boss and I got into an actual fight with raised voices. Then a dude died so we all needed some fun. My office decided to throw me a party on my last day. Now, my office looooves the party times. They throw parties for everything, like for babies. Idk what I was expecting but this party was really the worst one I’ve ever been to. Let me set the scene for you: noon pm, coworker on intercom calls everyone to the conference room. Cue: pizza. They make me go in line first. I am gluten free and lactose intolerant (=no pizza!) everyone knows that! They got a gf pizza so I ate 1 slice. Cue: surprise cake. Cake says “well miss you”. I can’t eat cake! Everyone sits at the table in the conference room and awkwardly ask me what I’m doing next. Then they all stopped talking to me, then they made me cut the cake and serve everyone. I asked if I really had to cut it and they said yes and brought it to me and placed it in front of my face. Then I cut and served everyone cake. Then they brought out ice cream. Again, I can’t eat ice cream!!!!! And then everyone walked out!!! Why!!! **1/10 stars**

[reviewsbykarla]

so if you don’t know me, you don’t know that I’m allergic to gluten. like really allergic. I’m not making it up or trying to follow a health fad, if I eat it I am stuck on toilet for days and will throw up my intestines for hours. if I get the chance to try gluten free shit, I will embody the seventh deadly sin of: gluttony. I tried this cinnamon bun a few weeks ago. the day before I tried a different cinnamon bun that had pecans in it. that cinnamon bun was a fucking joke. it was like a dry nut muffin. calling it a cinnamon bun is a sin. but the second day I tried a different one. it came with directions: put in microwave for 20 seconds and put icing on top like a dollop and it’ll melt all over that bad baby. oooooh man was it good. it was like a melt in your mouth, sweet perfect goodness with a god damn cherry on top. I wanted to eat 20 more of these, but unfortunately I only got one. I wish I could remember the name of where I got this bad boy but I don’t remember. it was in Seattle though. I’m also really bad at describing food so this review isn’t as good as that bun was.

** 15/10 highly recommend, I endorse this cinnamon bun **

[reviewsbykarla]

ok, I grabbed this drink out of a cooler at a work party. I was expecting a pleasant and refreshing beverage. what I got was a mouth chock full of sweet bullshit. this was not seltzer. I didn't think it was but that's sort of what I was imagining it would be. it's a "sparkling antioxidant infusion" which is such a dick way of saying "grapefruit soda". "sparkling antioxidant infusion" is the lamest, most millennial hipster shit I've ever heard. if I wanted a goddamn infusion I would get a grapefruit IV. to make matters worse I spilled it all over the bundt cake on the table. I pretended it didn't happen but I really hope no one ate soggy cake. I also hope no one knew it was me. screw this stupid drink ** 0/5 stars **

[reviewsbykarla]

Mad Max starring: Charlize Theron from Arrested Development

MAD MAX began in a very crazy confusing way. There were a lot of jump scenes and crazy sounds and i was pretty unsure of what was happening. But it started with this guy Max in the desert eating lizards, then he gets captured by these monster looking humans and taken to this giant cliff which was inhabited by weird monsters and this one really mean guy who was really ugly. So MAX gets captured and tries to escape which is where you realize that he is super strong cause he beats a lot of people up but in the end he is captured and used as a blood bag for Tony from Skins. 

So fast forward and we have Charlize Theron who shaved her head and looks badass. She is a trusted lady in this crazy kingdom, did i mention that the ugly lord guy is literally like a dictator? He has all of his minions which are bald and have white skin and black pants, and then there are all of these people who are in rags and have no food or water that live at the bottom of the cliff and rely on the ugly guy to feed them. So Charlize has to drive somewhere to get oil so she gets in this craazy vehicle and starts leaving the cliff land and driving to oil land. BUT she changes courses (what?!) and everyone’s like “yo, charlize, what you doin girl?” and she’s like “i’m in charge and this is the order so just follow me damnit” but then the ugly guy realizes that his women are missing (fucked up, eh?). Basically, this ugly guy has taken 5 gorgeous women hostage and has babies with them all the time. So Charlize is like, “WTF” and kidnaps them and tries to take them to this green world she knows about (cause they live in a dead desert). 

So Charlize is in this truck and the ladies are hidden inside and finally everyones caught on to what’s up. So the ugly guy is like “I’M GONNA FUCKING GET HER” and Tony from Skins is like “omg this is my chance to get on the ugly guys good side and become a hero” so he steals Max (since he needs his blood) and gets in the car with Max hanging from the outside. Now here’s the thing, this movie is fucking INSANeE. EVERYONE looks crazy and acts crazy and they all have these insane vehicles and use people and launch flames and there’s a whole vehicle of drummers and a guitar player. and MAX is hung from a stake on the hood of this car and Tony is going like 100000 miles an hour. So then there is this huge road chase and people die and the ugly guy gets more mad and Charlize gets away and Max gets away and gets into the car with Charlize. they make it to the green world and find out it no longer exists and the Tony was a stowaway, but luckily tony changes sides and was now on CHarlize’s side and was in love with one of the ladies. So they decide to go back and take over the kingdom from the ugly guy so they go and kill the ugly guy during an epic battle on their cars and Tony dies and Max and Charlize win and tak eover the kingdom and the ladies are cool and they have new ladies when the movies over and they give everyone water. 

i don’t really know how to explain the movie any more..

*** 4/5 stars ***

[reviewsbykarla]

Life Partners starring: Blake LIvely

I mean, Leighton Meester. I just watched the entire series of “gossip girl” so i had that on the mind. My friend told me a story once about how he was on the set of “gossip girl” and it was lunch time and all Blake Lively put on her plate was a few grapes and then Leighton was getting a bunch of food and Blake was like “are you seriously eating all of that?”. wtf. Anyways, I chose to watch this movie because I recently found out that Leighton is married to ADAM BRODY who i had a major crush on during my “The O.C.” phase. so after watching gossip girl i couldn’t picture Leighton not as Blair and i can never picture Adam not as Seth, so i was very intrigued and wanted to watch life partners since they were both in it and i’m assuming that’s where they met. Little did i know, they barely interact in the movie. and Leighton was a lesbian. 

So the movie starts with these two grown women acting like kids drinking pink wine (yuck) and watching american’s next top modul and having sleepovers and wearing crazy pajamas..what year was this film made? so basically we establish that, yeah, they are total best friends. Both of them are single and really sad about it (cause who isn’t sad when theyre single am i right? NO ) and they join okcupid or something like that and make a pact to each go on a tinder date the next night. fast forward 24 hours and they are on their dates but leighton meester is really not into the chick who she’s with which i don’t blame her, she was way weird and too into the fact that she was on “to catch a predator”. the other girl who isn’t Leighton, was also like kinda not into her date but it turned out he was Adam Brody so even though he was wearing a tshirt she didn’t like she couldn’t not get the D it’s Adam Brody. So she got the D, i’m gonna call her Kathy cause i just can’t remember her name, and idk how but her and Adam were suddenly moving really fast and entering into a relationship with way too much velocity. and Leighton was like “omg i’m so alone”. Now, Leighton hangs out with a bunch of her friends a lot and they just drink bloody marys and talk about chicks, and one of her friends is like WAY sad that she’s alone and doesn’t shut up about it so everyones like walking on egg shells with her when it comes to dating. Turns out, one of her exes runs into Leighton at the parking lot of In-and-out and theyre both eating french fries and see each other and unite to sadly eat french fries in one car instead of two. 

This is where things get crazy. Leightons new girlfriend is so annoying. Also did i mention that a big plot line in this story is about how leighton wants to be a musician but is a receptionist and is 29 and her parents are sending her money cause shes not making enough and people keep telling her “you’re gonna make it big with you music” and shes like “nah” which is funny cause she’s a singer now IRL also omfg she’s so damn pretty it’s not fair.  ok sorry i digress. So leighton’s new gf sucks and Kathy totally knows it. They go bowling on a double date and leighton and the girl are just being really annoying and kathy and adam are like “ugh stop it”. So then there’s this BBQ at kathy and adams house (they live together at this point and i think they’re engaged at this point too). Kathy wants to set up Leighton with her friend from work who i a lawyer but Leighton is just a total bitch to her!!! WTF, i felt so bad for her. Then Kathy’s like “WTF leighton you’re such a bitch” and Leighton’s like “WTF Kathy you tell Adam everything about me like how the last girl i had sex iwth called everything her signature move” and then they broek up (laighton and kathy). the end.

not

basically life goes on and leightons all sad and kathy is all sad and adam’s sad cause kathy’s sad so i’m sure he’s prob not getting laid as often as usual and then adam decides to stop wearing what kathy buys for him and start wearing his weird t-shirts again and at that moment kathy has an epiphany that shes a total stubborn control freak and runs into leighton on the street and they yell at each other and make up and hug and become bestfriends again.

now that’s the end.

*** 3/5 stars ***

[reviewsbykarla]

Taxi Drive staring Robert Deniero

OK, I just watched Taxi Driver for the first time ever. I was a little confused cause the Netflix description says “While looking out for a misguided child prostitute, an unhinged cabbie descends into madness while grappling with society’s moral decline” which is true yeah, but the part with jodie foster comes in like way late into the movie. I think the description should have been more like “A NYC taxi driver with neuroses tries to date women and save NYC from the scum and president-elect in a very ‘the ends justify the means’ kind of way all the while frequenting XXX movies”.

Anyways, this film was very interesting. It began with Robert Deniro trying to get a job as a taxi driver cause he can’t sleep at night (not sure why??) but the cab company is all like, “are you moonlighting or what?” .... what IS moonlighting? My friend and i discussed it and I think it’s when the cabbie runs fares but doesn’t actually pick up people and does other stuff instead but my friend refuted that by saying they would loose money that way so i’m not really sure anymore. Urban Dictionary says it means: Holding another job at night, often one of a sketchy nature. SOOO he was sort-of moonlighting i would say.

SO rob gets the job and rides around all night and watches XXX movies on his time off and meets his taxi driver friends at a cafeteria to discuss life as a cabbie. Then one day jodie foster (who is like 14 at the time) is trying to get into his cab to escape her pimp but the pimp takes her out and pays rob $20 to pretend it didn’t happen. -- we’ll come back to this later. Rob is then outside somewhere in NYC one day and this blonde chick walks past him with her hair blowing in the wind and he’s like “OMG THIS CHICK IS BEAUTIFUL” and he becomes obsessed. He asks her on a date and she’s like “hmmm this dudes weird but ok” and they get pie and chit-chat and make another date for a movie later. so then, get this, they meet up at night and Rob takes her to a NUDIE FLICK and get this, SHE GOES IN WITH HIM. but then after probbaly ~2 minutes she’s like “omg wtf” and leaves and tells Rob to never talk to her again. Also this girl works at the campaign office for the new president-elect. so Rob starts stalking her at the campaign office until he gets the picture, but then for some reason he decides he wants to kill the president elect so he buys a ton of guns and starts training himself to be really tough and mean and fast and he makes a cool gun contraption that makes it shoot out of his sleeve when he jerks his arm out to the side. Unfortuantely, Rob’s mission is foiled and he never kills the pres.

but then he’s like driving aroudn and finds young Jodie again (there are like 30 min left to the movie at this point and it’s 113 minutes long). He talks to Jodie’s pimp and pays to “sleep” with her but instead he has a chit chat with her and is like “wtf are you doing you’re 12 (her character was 12), you can’t be a prositute” and Jodie was like “my pimp daddy treats me right i can do what i want” so in the end Rob and Jodie make a date to get breakfast the next day at 1pm (that IS NOT breakfast time). Then they get to know each other and RObs like, this chick needs my help shes only 12. So then a few nights later Rob grabs all his guns and shows up to where JOdie lives and he kills all the pimps and his friends and Jodie just cries in a corner then Rob is declared a city hero for fighting a bunch of gangsters and Josie goes back home to her parents who are so grateful to Rob.

The ending was honestly sad cause Jodie didn’t wanna go back home and no, she shouldn’t be a prostitue but idk if sending her home to her parents was the best thing to do... and i don’t remember what happened to Rob except he still drove taxi cabs.

Overall, this film was nuts and Rob Denioro kind freaked me out most of the time, but i liked the way it was filmed and i think it is considered a classic/amazing so.

oh also Rob had normal hair all of the movie then got a mowhawk at the end.

** 4.5/5 stars **

[reviewsbykarla]

Chopped: Collection 2, Episode 5

Last night I watched the craziest epsiode of chopped. What’s chopped? It’s this crazy show where these 4 chefs all get together and cook things with special ingredients. so basically, there are three rounds where they have to cook, appetizer, entree and dessert. one chef gets eliminated each round and the last person wins. they get a basket of crazy ingredients every round and have to use the 4 things inside in their meals. except they have to like emphasize the basket ingredients they can’t like hide them, you know? and the ingredients are nuts! in one episode they had to use like Tang in their entree mixed with halibut and in another one they had a 4 tier cake in the appetizer. 

so the last episode i saw was with KIDS!! 14-17 years old. they were all like, “i’m 14 and i can outcook anyone any day” and they had these videos showing them at home making these crazy meals. so there were 4 kids here and they all had to make insane things with ingredients i’d never even heard of before. One girl was 17 and was like an intern at all of these fancy NYC restaurants, so I thought she was gonna win but she was kind of a jerk so the whole time i thought she would be eliminated. there was this other girl who was really cool and she was 17 too I think and she made some dope meals but she just couldn’t cut it and got “chopped”. i can’t even remember who left first but it might have been her. the third kid was maybe like 15? and he was pretty good but he made something that the chefs thought was boring so he was cut. the kid who won was 14 and was so funny. all of his meals were inspired by places or events. like he would serve his dishes and be like “here you are sitting in a parisian cafe with the cars driving by at night with your one true love” or something like that and the meal would totally reflect that moment. it was impressive. anyways, he won.