reignofrayne

[reignofrayne]

here i am, staring at my reflection before the mirror. i can feel the shadows of disappointment swallowing me whole. it's a quiet rage curling up from my chest. how did i let this happen – again?

he caressed me like he knew everything about me, as if his hands had learned the map of my body, and i let him. i let him draw me in with his soft words and promises. i let him unravel me, layer by layer, until i was bare, vulnerable, and trusting.

his lips pressed to mine with the tenderness that i thought only sincerity could yield. in those moments, under his gaze, i felt something again — something hopeful and fragile. his touch made me forget the deceitful hands that once clenched my heart in their fists. i trusted him with everything and even laid the ache of my past in his hands, believing that he'd be gentle with it. i thought this time would be different. i thought i would be different. he promised he would be different. he promised.

however, things don't always go in our way and now, i sit in silence with the sting of my own foolishness. the ghost of his touch still lingers, and the way he held me was still embedded in my skin, but those hands that I once thought were gentle left me cold once they got what they wanted.

all along it was the same rhythm, the same dance, and i blame myself for not memorizing the choreoraphy enough to see it coming. i blame myself for letting him in, for softening in his touch, and believing the sweetness of his words. i blame myself for thinking that this time, i wouldn't be left empty.

the disappointment wraps itself around me like his arms once did, dragging me deeper into the crevasses of my own dismay. and now, here i am, alone with my reflection, reminded that every inch of my skin is proof of what i allowed and believed.

he saw my scars – the ones that i showed with trembling hands. he touched them with care, and yet, carved them open again.

[reignofrayne]

september feels like a breath of fresh air after the heaviness of august, but i wonder — will it stay that way?

august brought so much pain that i wasn’t sure how long it would take to recover. it was harsh and unforgiving. it tested my patience and made me question my worth. then september arrived. oh, september, you gentle thing. you came quickly, yet brought a sense of calm that i desperately needed.

september is freedom where august was restraint. it gives me the space and affection i craved but couldn’t find in august’s suffocating grip. it’s a beautiful mix of passion and independence, soothing the wounds that august left behind.

still, as much as a month can feel perfect, challenges will always arise. september has been good to me, but I know that time doesn’t pause for long. does that stop me from cherishing september? no.

nonetheless, a part of me fears that if i hold on too tightly or show how much i long for september, it will slip away. this is why, for the sake of my fragile heart, i’ll let things unfold on their own.

months go in cycles anyways. it's not the first time that i've encountered september; it's actually funny how our paths have crossed numerous times. so if ever september comes again, i'll welcome it warmly, hoping to pick up where we left off.

whether or not that happens, i’ll carry the memory of september with me and cherish it as one of the things that brought me genuine joy – and i never regret every second of it. however, if i were to be given a choice, i want september to stay and not only exist in my memories.

[reignofrayne]

as much as i resist clinging to anger, there's something intoxicating about the fierce fire that comes with moving on.

i am, by nature, deeply understanding – sometimes to the point of losing myself in the process. i’ll walk through flames for someone i care about, bearing the heat, the burn. but the moment that spark of anger flickers within me, i know it's the final chapter.

anger, for me, is the voice of self-love roaring to life. strange, isn't it? how can something so wild, so chaotic, be woven into the calm of love? it's simple, really. you rage because a part of you, hidden beneath the ashes, knows you deserve more. anger is the soul's rebellion against the unjust.

so, let the fury rise. let the storm inside you rage. sometimes, it will reveal truths that love, in all its softness, was too blind to see.

[reignofrayne]

how can love be so painful yet so liberating?

don't get me wrong. i love you. i love you so much. i love you so much that every time i show a part of myself, i can feel that part of me crumbling apart. i don't know if it's my pride holding me back, but it's painful enough for me to wince at it. yet at the same time, i know that you deserve that part of me because i willingly showed it. i guess that's one of the reasons why it feels exhilarating, because i have something i can give to the person i love the most. how i hope this painful liberation is worth it.

[reignofrayne]

“how are you feeling?”

something as simple as “i’m fine” is not enough to answer this question. “i’m not okay”, then? close but still not enough.

i can feel myself getting cold again.

you see, i felt so happy when i started to notice that i’ve finally healed my wounds; i was able to trust again. i was able to give affection to the people around me again. my heart was able to feel warmth again.

however, i was wrong – wounds don’t heal. you just get better at holding down the pain.

when the pain starts to seep into your heart, you’ll start to feel the cold again. it’s like a frost that envelops your entire being as it solidifies instantly.

sure, no one can penetrate your hard exterior just like before but you got so used to the warmth that the cold, the same cold that healed your wounds, no longer feels comfortable like it used to be. and finally, i’ve entered a dilemma: “should i heal with warmth or cold?” unfortunately, i am a creature of habit.

so sweetheart, how am i feeling, you ask? i can feel myself getting cold again.

(words on the photo written by me during one of my anxiety nights lmao)

[reignofrayne]

proud and strong,

yet still full of grace

despite having wings to soar,

she lets herself fall into a place

the place is dark, not an easy one to explore;

but it is where she finds peace,

and so does war

[reignofrayne]

*anxiety goes brrrrrttt*

[reignofrayne]

may i gain my spark as an artist once again during this period of solitude.

[reignofrayne]

to be loved by an artist is to be immortalized.

when an artist loves you, there’s a chance that you've become their muse at some point in their life. it doesn’t matter if you've given them love or pain — you've been immortalized by becoming their muse, as art is not just for the eyes and ears but for the heart as well. you will forever live inside the pages of their worn-out sketchbook, lifeless yet drawn by a heart yearning for love. you will forever live between the lines of a song or poem they wrote, which all of their passion was poured into. 

remember these words: ars longa, vita brevis. art is long, but life is short. your body will disintegrate back into the earth, but your soul will continue to live on just because an artist once hoped that you would appreciate their love.

[reignofrayne]

welcome to my blog!

my thoughts are a mess and my feelings aren’t helping either so i’ll just cramp them all up in this little blog.

call me rayne! i’m a 21-year-old who has no chill in life but i try my best to slow down and savor every moment; to romanticize every second of it.

interests. i have a wide range of interests but i am very fond of art as an artist and a guitarist. i also have a knack for pseudosciences that help me discover things about myself such as astrology and typology. mysterious topics pique my interest; these include crime thriller novels, documentaries, movies, series, and games.

art. i would describe my art style as stylized semi-realism. i can draw in both traditional and digital. in traditional art, i mainly use colored pencils and watercolor; i’ve been using graphite these days. in digital art, i use ibispaint x and procreate pocket. i started enhancing my artistic skills during 6th grade. i’m also currently the graphics coordinator for our university’s official student publication.

music. my music taste by default is somewhere between pop punk, alternative rock, and metalcore but i love exploring music genres; i am currently into pop. as a guitarist, i’ve been playing since i was in 5th grade.

academics. i’m currently a third-year college student and i study mathematics with a specialization in applied statistics.

more. scorpio sun, virgo moon, gemini rising. entj 8w9 853. so/sp, scoei, vlfe, choleric-phlegmatic.