possiblytheworstideaieverhad

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

What if the world… Were minecraft

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Happy Halloween, I Legitimately Feel Like Passing Out

As such, apropos of nothing, time to read more of the Minecraft bo

...

...

...one tic.

Okay, after redownloading the Minecraft book and deciding to take part in the app’s new continuous scrolling feature, I realize that I legitimately forgot where I was, one tic.

...oh, right, Steve burning all of his saplings.

Moving on.

“‘Mission accomplished,’ I said, hoisting my stone-tipped pickaxe.”

Yep, you fucked up royal, and you didn’t even know it, good job, George W. Bush!

Anyways, Steve contemplates how he wants to expand his hole when the saplings stop existing in the non-burned sense, meaning he has to use the rest of his planks (meaning Steve did not have to burn his fucking saplings, good fucking hustle captain), and he’s in fact so fearful of the night now that he “started chopping up the [shack]’s wooden roof, which is actually doing the opposite of what he wants to accomplish, but whatever.

Steve tries to make “panic drowns thought” a thing again, indirectly makes me wish I was listening to David Bowie currently, and winds up practically every wooden thing he has out of desperation.

But thankfully, just as his pickaxe is about to go, he finally discovers coal... and gets political?

“Wasn’t there a natural resource that my people had been pulling out of the ground for centuries? Hadn’t it been controversial; dirty and dangerous, but also plentiful and cheap?” I mean, he’s talking about oil, but that arguably makes things worse.

Steve quickly shoves the coal into the furnace, and estimates that “it would last at least five times as long as normal wood”; for the record, planks take 15 seconds to burn, coal takes 80, and dividing the two means that means coal is actu- fuck

...moving on.

“And all on its own without me having to strike a match.”

I honestly forget if Steve make flint and steel yet. If you care to find out, let me know.

Anywho, Steve manages to make four torches (the actual way, stick plus coal, for the record), and Steve takes waaaaaaaaay too fucking long to discover that the torches work best if you actually place them down (seriously, I am intentionally not acknowledging him fucking with the furnace, be glad).

“The only answer I had was sheer acceptance of the fact that just because the rules don’t make sense to me doesn’t mean they don’t make sense.”

God I wish Steve would catch on fire...

And after Steve realizes torches are infinite, he decides to damn logic and shit in an applesauce jar rant about electricity and limited natural resources like the homeless person behind the IHOP.

“‘No more darkness!’ I sang.” Hey now, Season 11 of Supernatural wasn’t that bad! It sure as fuck was a lot fucking better than Season 12, let me tell you that much...

And Steve abruptly realizes it is now day, meaning he had double no reason to rant like an insane person.

And so the chapter ends by Steve holding up his torch to the sun, and I think this is supposed to be a meaningful moment, but honestly, he just looks more like the stupid idiot that I know he is.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

And All For the Want of a Horseshoe Nail...

Steve just made a window, everyone! How long do you think it takes for him to break it?

If you said “three paragraphs”, you already read the book, and have cheated! :D

Now, I’m pretty sure the Author has finally realized that he made Steve into an idiot, because beautifully, Steve the Narrator keeps pointing out how Steve the Steve keeps fucking up.

Let us count the ways, shall we?

He decides to go pillage the beach for sand right now instead of waiting until day.

Instead of creating a torch the game-intended way (coal plus stick equals four torches, quick maths), he decides to just poke the furnace with it until it lights. Luckily he stops doing that; unluckily, it wasn’t because he realized it wouldn’t work, it was because:

He decides against making a torch, figuring that the furnace will be lit long enough for him to get the sand and get back.

He flat out tempts fate by (I hope sarcastically) cheerfully anticipating a shitton of mistakes on his part.

And, well, I’ll let Steve say it for me:

“Instead of digging right outside my foor, I chose a spot halfway up the beach. Instead of gathering a few cubes and dashing back, I just kept going until I’d dug myself into a hole. Instead of keeping my eyes and ears open-- long after the fired died in my cabin, I might add--I fantasized about all the cool things I could build with this glass.”

And what does Steve get for daydreaming?

“Sssp.”

A cameo from Lucas the Spider! Here’s a picture to celebrate the happy occasion!

But yeah, no, Steve almost dies. ...again.

“Before I could run, move, or think, it’d jumped into the hole with me.”

Cue the spider song!

Steve gets into an epic battle with the spider, as he keeps frantically dodging, scampers out of the hole in fear, gets bit, and decides to end the battle with gravity:

“I turned, hit it with a block of sand, then placed that block at the hole’s edge. But the sand didn’t stick. It fell.”

So, Steve opts to adjust his plan a bit, and just buries the spider with sand block after sand block until it flashes red and dies, exploding into... nothing.

...damn it, I wanted Steve to try and eat a spider eye... I mean, granted, those only drop when a player directly kills a spider, and I don’t recall if burying a spider with sand counts as a direct kill, but whatever...

And overwhelmed with the realization that being confident almost got him killed, Steve begins vibrating like the fucking Flash and finally heads back home (luckily he still had some sand blocks on him, so this wasn’t pointless).

Steve realizes back at home that he got silk from the spider, but since this is Steve we’re talking about, he can’t think of anything to do with it due to the furnace going out, and s

...

...

...oh.

...

...well, then...

...

...it’s time, my friends.

It is finally time.

Steve looks around his chest for more planks to use as fuel... but since he’s running low on planks...

...

...he decides to use the saplings instead, putting all of them into the furnace...

...now, I can’t in good faith spoil the punchline just yet, but I want you to remember this scene.

Really really remember it.

Because this scene, of Steve smugly burning up those saplings as kindling, patting himself on the back for being clever and “stretching his resources”?

It is.

Without a doubt.

The.

Absolute.

Fucking.

Dumbest thing.

He could have ever done.

“I had no idea I was creating nothing short of an environmental tragedy that would come back to haunt me later.”

And, you know what?

That is worth highlighting.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Kindle Was a Mistake

The chapter is off to an amazing start in the first few paragraphs, and I hope I don’t have to explain that I’m lying.

Steve tries to cook an egg here, and unfortunately, outside of potentially spawning a baby chicken if you throw it against the ground, the only real food-related uses for Minecraft Egg are Minecraft Cake and Minecraft Pumpkin Pie.

Mojang has yet to add Minecraft Cooked Egg yet is what I’m getting at, and Steve finds this out the bad way.

With “comedy”.

“‘Your turn,’ I told the egg, to which the egg could have answered ‘that’s what you think.’ Ever heard that expression, ‘You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs?’ Well, here’s this world’s version: ‘You can’t make an omelet.’”

Why is that line bolded? Well, it’s because according to my phone

66 people thought this was funny/engaging/insightful/simply too good to not highlight.

Kindle was a mistake.

Anywho, when the furnace refuses to cook egg, Steve tries using violence to get egg to work, even stepping on it (speaking of highlighting, why did no one highlight “so much for walking on eggshells”, it’s almost as “funny” as the omelet “quip”), and he ultimately chucks in to the ground, and because the egg percentages are not in his favor today, no baby chicken.

Bye bye, egg, you so had a point.

Darkness falls upon the land due to Steve’s fallacy (or it’s because the furnace died, you make the call!), and Steve finally learns that the furnace needs cookable things in order to stay lit, as he (smartly, I might add) left a couple planks of wood in there, but has no food inside.

And so Steve puts in sand, and winds up making glass.

...

Part of me thinks that the rough draft had Steve do this in the vain attempt at making a sandwich.

But however here, Steve still has some of his brain, as he knows right away that he’s making glass, since the Nam flashback he proceeds to have makes him remember that glass exists.

“It was one of the most vital components of human civilization and I’d had no idea how it was made.”

Okay, now I have to do this.

And the best scene of the chapter happens as Steve calls himself an idiot.

“Did you ever ask where anything comes from?”

Six chapters in, and there’s still hope for Steve, guys.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

I want to start this off by ragging a bit more on Minecraft realism, if you don’t mind. The damage Steve takes is described as him literally breaking bones and such, and healing is described as the damage literally repairing itself. His lungs are flat-out stated to be regenerating, his bones fuse back together, his veins stop being fucked, his skin magically stops being torn asunder, and even his other skin (the “painted on clothes” if you recall) are stated to be pulling themselves together.

This is fucking stupid.

Ragging over.

I know Steve was trying to make a point with his story about Shoeless Joe meeting Footless Joe, and realizing he was better off, that Steve was trying explaining how lucky he was to have health regen and such, but if you will allow me, here is the mental image I had.

Footless Joe: (sad) I lost mah feet in the war, now I gots to use crutches-

Shoeless Joe: (not caring in the slightest) Aw, shucks, that’s too bad, sucks to be you! (skips away merrily)

...am I an asshole?

...yes.

Anywho, Steve quotes the chapter title and is suddenly hungry again, so he decides to quite literally turn his nose up at his other food items (the chicken and the egg, the egg came first), saying “You’ll just have to wait.”

Now is not the time to be a snob, Steve, you almost became dead.

Luckily the seeds didn’t get blown up, but they are still seeds, so Steve doesn’t have food yet.

But he does have the realization that the day is ending, as he makes a mental note to learn how long the days are (10 minutes, for those not wanting to Google), and the fucking realism pops up again as Steve suddenly is cold.

Or maybe he’s actually in a part of the biome where snow occurs, fucked if I know, maybe @supercomputer276 does...

Steve decides to refortify his bunker, digging up more cobblestone from the wall, all the while convinced he’s fine since “that darkness alone couldn’t hurt [him]”.

So... how much longer until Steve makes the hole deep enough that monsters start spawning due to the dark?

And how much longer until Steve realizes that that can happen?

Steve briefly considers busting open a hole in the roof to let in moonlight, but he’s not in a suicidal mood tonight, so he keeps digging instead, “dig[ing the hole] deeper, stronger, safer”, harder, better, faster, stronger.

“The empty darkness filled with shapeless threats.”

Sooner or later, Steve...

And with that, Mine Time ends in favor of Break Time, which Steve decides to have it be Craft Time, and soon the axe is born into the word, so chalk up another win for Steve.

“Maybe you’ll work on a tree and a zombie’s neck.”

Yes, Steve, that’s how axes work...

And as the chapter winds down, Steve accidentally stumbles across the Furnace, and luckily it doesn’t take him forever to realize he can burn things.

Unfortunately, while Steve unintentionally has the wooden pickaxe make smooth stone from cobblestone, he also unintentionally has it bring about another performance of Steve’s fucking dance.

“‘Fi...!’ I began, before bumping my head again. I laughed, did a jump-free happy dance, then leaned into the face-warming glow. ‘Fire.’“

...

...well, I’m slightly concerned now...

And as if to prove my concerns about Steve potentially becoming a psychopath, behold.

A rant.

“This was the final piece in the holy trinity of human evolution. Tool making, agriculture, and now a little piece of the sun! This is what had saved our ancestors from the coldest winters, what had protected them from the fiercest predators. I pictured a group of hairy, filthy, grateful cave dwellers huddles around its comforting glow, warming their hands and cooking their food.”

Dude.

Calm down.

It’s a furnace.

Not sex.

Not even Tom Hanks went this mental over making fire, and he too was stuck on an island.

Luckily, the prospect of food stops Steve from becoming Beavis, as he pries out the now-smooth stone (and yes, he becomes worried about burning himself despite that not happening, you know the drill) and inserts his cock.

...okay, I know it’s a chicken, not a rooster, but I had to, okay?

“The little shelter filled with the sounds and smells of popping grease.”

Except that is not what happened, as grease doesn’t exist in this world.

And so the chapter ends with Steve gorging himself on chicken and remarking that “this turned out to be a really good day.”

And all you had to do was almost die.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

This Feels Like a Picnic. (chew)

“Dazed with shock, I stumbled back to the hill. Knees wobbled, thighs burned.”

He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to dro- wait, hold on...

Steve stumbles into a tree, and I’m just going to pretend that “[c]racked lips opened for another scream, and this time they succeeded” isn’t supposed to be the Minecraft realism being applied to “UH”.

Anywho, the health regeneration kicks in. Or, as the narrative paints it as, regeneration.

“I could feel the bones fusing, the veings sealing. I could see my skin knitting together over rapidly rejuvenating tissue.”

I repeat myself from several posts ago: worst superhero ever.

But of course, all that running ate at the hunger meter, so Steve has to eat in return to get the regen back up and going, and Steve decides against eating the delicious remains of his friends in lieu of his last apple.

Which, based on how the rest of this chapter plays out, may be his last for a while, let’s see...

However, apples only fill so much; Steve needs meat.

Still not wanting to cook his friends, Steve tries the zombie flesh, and that works about as well as you can assume.

“[A]n eruption of nausea rose up from my churning stomach. I retched. I gagged. I could even see green bubbles floating up across my tearing eyes.”

This is what you get for Minecraft realism, Steve, this is what you deserve.

And as if to confirm my point, Steve tries to vomit, but he can’t do to Minecraft not being that realistic.

Realizing he has no other options, Steve begins the slow, painful journey (for him) to make a furnace, as he tries to figure out how to make fire to cook his food.

Steve tries using two sticks, but because dual-weilding hasn’t been implemented yet, and because rubbing sticks together is not a feature yet, that dies on arrival.

“‘Great’, I huffed, then tried to keep going with one stick. All I ended up burning was time.”

BA DUM CHING.

Steve continues in vain to make fire from stick, but all he accomplishes is swinging it around like an aggressive, drunk baseball player, and possibly making himself hungrier.

Steve decides “fuck it”, and opts to instead eat the meat raw, with a sideorder of jokes.

“What I wouldn’t give at this moment, I thought, for a licensed food safety inspector.”

I hope you get food poisoning again.

Steve decides to sniff the raw beef, and as a result, he has another Vietnam flashback, this time about seeing beef in supermarkets and at dinner, and this causes him to have depression.

I’m only mildly exaggerating this time.

“That image caused another, powerful feeling to rise up from deep in my gut. It wasn’t nausea this time, it was sadness. Without meaning to, I’d reminded myself of how little I knew about myself.”

Steve, you are not a real person, you are a video game character that the Author is trying to personify, sorry to spoil the punchline for you, but that’s what is going on here, kindly shut up.

Steve then decides eating trumps depression and eats the beef in order to stop being hungry.

Yay.

The health regen kicks in, and Steve decides to rant about it for a paragraph that I have no shame in admitting that I flat out skipped.

I’m pausing for now, because I’m now pretty sure that avocado I tried to eat is now fucking with my stomach.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

(Just kidding.)

Yes, I know he doesn’t die, shut up.

“The explosion knocked me backward, lifting me off my feet. Eyes burning, ears ringing[.]”

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

And as if to prove that even God hates him, Steve is launched into the lagoon and, since he is currently almost exploded, he isn’t really of a “swimming” mindset.

“I struggled to breathe, to move. I could feel the lagoon’s waters pulling me forward, carrying me down.”

And as Steve is still trying to process being in the middle of his own private “Hurt Locker”, he notices amongst the water and debris that his new friends did not make it.

“A scrap of cowhide, a red slab of beef, two bright pink bird bodies, and a single white feather[.]”

This would be heartbreaking if this wasn’t honestly slightly humorous.

And because Steve needs to be reminded of his failings, said remains are sucked up into his inventory as he pulls himself out of the crater that now stains the land.

Friendly reminder that this whole experience was kicked off by Steve being too distracted by showing off his seeds to chickens.

The moral of this whole experience? Never garden.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

That’s All, Folks!

I tried eating an avocado for the first time tonight.

I fucked up trying to slice it in half and wound up just slicing it into random chunks, and after nibbling at what I did I couldn’t stomach anymore and had to throw it out.

This has nothing to do with the book, I just wanted to share my pain.

“At my feet was another pile of rotten flesh... and no shovel.”

Fuckin’ zombies, taking their good shit into the Void when they die, and leaving behind rancid beef jerky...

“This was going to be an awesome day, I could feel it.”

...bitch about him tempting fate... ...or link the song... ...

...

...okay, fuck it.

Anywho, Steve decides to do more gardening via the planting of seeds, and then goes on a merry stroll through the countryside, and I am calling it right now, this overly cheerful mood the story is partaking in right now is meant to set up a sudden Creeper.

Because whenever Steve’s life is going right, Hell is soon to follow.

As he’s punching grass for more seeds, the locals decide to acknowledge his existence, as a cow, a sheep, and two chickens make noises in his general direction.

And yes, Steve is still calling them “cluckclucks”, because fuck you.

Steve decides to shoot the shit with the animals, possibly telling them a completely falsified, ego-stroking version of the events of last chapter, and naturally, they don’t give a shit.

The only time Steve enraptures them is when the chickens catch wind of his seeds after he busts the

You know, I probably should have thought that sentence out a bit first.

But anyways, on the topic of “busting them out”, one of the chickens “busts out” an egg, much to Steve’s surprise a

Oh, hey, I called it.

“I noticed the birds were waddling away. Why had they suddenly lost interest? ‘Hey, where ya goin’?’ I asked. ‘Something I said?’“

Well, partially, Steve, but mainly (snaps fingers)

“I looked away from the birds just in time to see the silent creature gliding between us. It was armless and legless, with a green mottled trunk and short stubby feet.”

You read the Bible, Steve?

“It happened so fast. The crackling hiss, the smell of fireworks, the flashing vibrations as the creeping monster swelled like a balloon.”

And you all know the punchline!

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Doing Another Post at 5AM Because I Got Dealt On By My Friend

Steve decides to voice act as the zombie, having it shit on him for whining and “say” that “[l]ife’s not fair, and whining won’t make it fair”.

I was told off for stopping one paragraph early, and quite frankly, I feel let down.

After rightfully conceding that he’s being a baby, Steve tries to figure out how the zombie got ahold of a shovel, which I both slightly like and slightly hate.

On one hand, Steve makes a good point: besides him and the zombie, there appears to be no other people on the island, and the zombie is too (literally) brain dead to know how to make a shovel.

On the other hand, zombies have a habit of showing up with shovels regardless in the game, would you fuck off with Minecraft realism.

And now the scene devolves into Steve using the zombie as a springboard in trying to figure out how to make a shovel, and honestly, I feel for the zombie here.

“‘Is that metal?’ I asked. The ghoul groaned.”

“‘But if this world lets you combine a wooden handle with something else to make the head,’ I asked the zombie, ‘then why can’t that head also be mande out of wood?’ The zombie groaned again, and I’m 99 percent sure that groan sounded like ‘Duh!’“

Steve, honey, for the love of God, you are wasting the zombie’s time, kindly speed this along here?

Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be the case, as Steve fails to get that you need two sticks to make tools, as he tries to make a shovel out of one stick and a wooden plank.

(Side note: Steve had to build a second crafting table because he left his other one outside his makeshift bunker. No comment.)

“‘What did you expect,’ I shot back. ‘Instant success?’“

Steve, I said no comment.

It takes Steve a sad amount of time trying to solve for shovel, and it takes seeing the zombie’s shovel to realize X = another stick. But then he screams like an idiot and does his fucking “victory dance” (albeit with him clonking his head on the ceiling), so maybe he should have failed the Calculus test, or something.

Steve then proceeds to spew the chapter’s title (”Details Make the Difference”) while using the shovel to dig through the dirt flo

You could have just fucking dug using your fucking hands, Steve, you literally just did nothing but padded the fucking c

Nevermind, I’m splitting this in two, I’m too tired to make a big deal out of this.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Jumping the Gun, Whoopsy

Remember how I said Steve realized he could build a weapon? Yeah, I direct you to the title of this post.

After noticing the zombie has some kind of weapon (hopefully it’s a sword), Steve decides to build a hovel, acknowledging to the reader that this is pointless.

“Yes, I supposed I could have, and should have, just blocked myself back up in the whole. It would have been the quicker, easier choise. But the tho-”

Annnnnnnnnnd I stopped caring, you just admitted you are making more work for yourself this way, nothing you can say will make me realize you are justified in doing it this way.

In any case, Steve manages to start on the roof by the time the zombie tries dive-bombing in, but that doesn’t excuse his stupidity in using a wooden door, as the zombie begins whaling on it.

“‘Fine!’ I barked. ‘You wanna fight? C’mon, let’s do this!’”

YOU WANNA GET NUTS?! C’MON! LET’S GET NUTS!

But then the door stops being beaten on, and Steve decides to get cocky abou

did the zombie seriously punch through the window of the door

“A moldy arm shot through one of the open squares and socked me right in the throat.”

...like, I’m not even mad, granted, this is another case of Minecraft realism at play, but the way he phrases it, it sounds like the zombie literally stuck its arm through the window of the door.

Whatever, it’s not important, Steve got punched, and he realises via said window that the zombie is smarter than him in that it brought a weapon.

“‘That’s a shovel!’ I exclaimed. ‘How’d you get a shovel?’ Then added, ‘How come I didn’t get one?’”

Well, dumbass, if you spent more time at the Crafting Table...

Steve then admits he’s jealous, and my zero-percent sympathy has now entered negative digits.

“’That’s not fair,’ I pouted.”

Hey, dumbass, life’s tough, get a helmet.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Forever Young

A lot has happened since the last post in April. The Flash’s season finale decided to undo the fuckup and bring Ralph back to live, Supernatural’s season finale had Lucifer killed at the expense of Michael!Dean, Life Sentence got canned, and I wound up buying 11 Amiibos (including one three-pack) within the span of a week. Also, Deadpool 2 and the Detroit game.

And the reason why it took so long to get back to this was not because of life interferring in some way; I just couldn’t be bothered. And the only reason why I’ve decided to get back to doing this was because I was listening to Alphaville’s “Forever Young”, and said “Fuck it”.

Let’s see if I can tie this into the actual story.

Chapter 4 starts with Steve doing his best Woodkid impression as he is faced with the task with having to outrun the setting sun back to the hole, and if you think my comparison means this is awesome, I would like to remind you that this is Steve we’re talking about.

“By the time I reached the top of the hill, my mind was like quivering Jell-O.”

Steve, I doubt you got permission to use that trademarked term, you best shut up before the lawyers arrive.

And then Steve tries to will the sun to stop by pleading with it, like an idiot, prompting a cow to “tell” him to fucking get a move on.

I am so regretting coming back to this.

Steve arrives back to the hole and tries using a stick to make it deeper (in case you forgot, no, dumbass still didn’t make a pickaxe), and because he took too long being an idiot:

“‘Uuuhhh.’ The soft moan floated through the night air. Another zombie was coming.”

And yes, that link was intentional.

Steve’s so spooked out by the possibility of more zombies that he forgot that “panic drowns thought” mantra (as he should, because that was stupid), and he compares himself to “a trapped rat waiting for an undead cat”.

“Tom and Jerry Lost Episode.exe”, coming soon to Bad Creepypasta.

And because Steve apparently also forgot that he could just go into the shallow hole and cover it with dirt, he stands around like a dumbass while the zombie makes it to the hilltop.

And it take him reaching into his magical bullshit belt for him to finally realize he can build a weapon.

Darwin, you promised me that an idiot like Steve would be dead by now, what the absolute fuck?

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

The Cow Says...

After getting high off of more dirt, Steve doubles down on his resolve to get back.

The following is me proving that I did not make this up.

“I reached into my belt, not for the apple, but for a cube of dirt. Fittingly, I still had plenty from the ‘HELP!’ sign. I closed my eyes and inhaled its rich, grounding scent. ‘Let’s go find the rest of you,’ I told it.”

Steve then noticed the wind is blowing east to west, which I call in to question, because that implies there’s wind in Minecraft, so moving on.

From here, Steve figures out the rest of the cardinal directions and stumbles across the island once again.

And oh, look.

I called it.

“The boat shot headlong onto the beach, smashing into planks and sticks against the sandy northern shore.”

Cool, and now Steve has a mental breakdown-

“I didn’t care.”

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Luckily, as if to make up for a lack of a boat-related breakdown, the book gives us a cow-related breakdown as Steve begins talking to a nearby cow.

“‘Moo,’ said the cow. ‘You’re right,’ I answered. ‘I’ve gotta think before I act[.]”

Holy cow (pun intended), Steve’s actually learning.

“‘Moo,’ agreed the cow.”

...yeah, that won’t be annoying at all...

And so, the last scene of the chapter consists of Steve using a cow as a springboard as he basically rants to himself out loud about how he needs to not die.

“’Can I do it?’ I asked. ‘All by myself, with no one to help me?’“

That’s not true, Steve.

...

...

...you got your left hand.

...

...

...holy fuck, I’m actually ashamed of myself for that...

“’No one to protect or guide or [...] take care of me?’“

Suck it up, you baby.

“‘If I’m a kid’-”

WAIT WAIT WAIT NOT WHAT I MEANT

“-’then grown-ups must have done a lot for me. And if I’m a grown-up, then I still don’t remember doing much for myself.’“

So, Steve is technically having an existential crisis.

What do you have to say, Cow?

“The square animal gave a long, low ‘moo’[.]”

(pinches bridge of nose) Riveting.

Steve then contemplates just giving up and dying, but the book isn’t over yet, so he decides “No” and chooses to listen to the preachings of Parappa the Rapper.

“I choose to believe in myself!”

And then, “““““comedy”””””.

“’I can do this!’ I bellowed boldly. ‘I can and I WILL! I... I...’ I noticed the sun had almost set. ‘I gotta get outta here!’“

Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaah...

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Playing with Wood, Tee Hee Hee

So, if you are still waiting for Steve to make the Crafting Table, bad news, no. I mean, he’s still getting painfully close, but you know how the Weird Al song goes.

...

My hopes have all vanished, and my dreams have all died.

Steve makes some sticks and decides to move a bit farther down the evolutionary scale. “A club! Me strong! Me have weapon! Me also have rock breaker!”

Me annoyed, you annoying.

Now, thankfully, after getting more wood, he finally stumbles across creating the Crafting Table.

Literally.

The book suggests Steve was the one to name it that.

Literally.

“This cube seemed to have all kinds of tools hanging from its sides. ‘Here we go!’ I shouted, grabbing this new game changer. It didn’t matter that the tools were as painted-on as my clothes. The whole workbench, or “crafting table,” was a tool.”

And thus the last horse finally crosses the finish line.

Also, “‘Here we go!’ I shouted[.]”

And then Steve dances in celebration, has the gall to call it his “signature victory dance”, and gives Minecraft a tagline: “Let’s get crafting!”

And no, he doesn’t stumble across making a pickaxe.

I mean, to his credit, he rather quickly stumbles across making a pressure plate, slabs, and a door, so, hey, the brain damage isn’t that unsolvable.

Luckily, as Steve admits to the reader, while he is fucking around by experimenting with this shit, he’s almost at the “tool making” stage. After all, his next immediate creation is, arguably, one of the most useful items in the game: the chest.

Next comes bowls, when Steve realizes that he can only eat when he has to, and his body won’t let him eat, dear God, stop with the Minecraft realism, and then boat.

“I put another load of planks on the crafting table, adding a few more to change the V to a U. At first I thought I’d just made another bowl, but larger and more oval shaped, like a tub or... ‘A BOAT!’“

Boat.

Steve decides to test it out in the water, showing off to some nearby animals in his dash, who wisely choose to ignore him.

“Climbing aboard, I couldn’t believe how stable it was. No rocking, no bobbing, totally smooth.”

And, since this is an earlier version of Minecraft you’re in, if you bump too hard into something, the boat will explode into planks and sticks! Yay!

Amazed by his new invention, Steve attempts to end the book early and leave.

“Escape! Freedom!”

And, let me do a quick check on my phone here- page 37 of 263, of a book called “Minecraft: The Island”.

So, either the title lied, or- yep, Steve remembered he’s stuck in the middle of the fucking ocean.

“What was I thinking? Where was I going? Escaping the island didn’t mean escaping the world.”

“What if there wasn’t any other land? Or what if the land didn’t have any people?”

So, unfortunately, the version of the book where Steve crashes his fucking boat into Minecraft!Gilligan’s Island (not a total crossover; it’s a different island where other players are RPing) sadly never comes to be as Steve decides to head back to the Island.

And guess what fuckhead did in his stupidity?

“I spun around and sped back to the island. Only the island wasn’t there. Was I going in the right direction? I zigged this way and that, hoping for the faintest hint of green. Nothing. I was lost.”

Cue the song!

Any who, after wisely berating himself like an idiot, Steve remembers what the chapter is called.

“’Panic drowns thought!’ I shouted. ‘And I’m not going to drown!”

Well, until the end of the book, because bookends.

...

...I hope...

...

...

(crosses fingers)

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

I Was Already Mad About the Hand Thing. And Then I Read A Little More.

So, after Steve turns the wood into planks, he’s still stuck on his superhero schtick.

“In addition to the ability to heal quickly, punch things from a distance, and stick block to themselves without supports, somehow this world allowed me to transform raw materials into finished products in seconds.”

don’t fucking remind me, i am having a literal headache right now

So, Steve has learned how to make planks. If you think this means he’s going to make a crafting table, I officially hate you now.

“‘A button,’ I breathed. Not the kind for clothes, but the kind you press. Head spinning, literally dizzy with new discoveries, I could only imagine what would happen when I pressed it. Would the button transform whatever it was stuck to into something completely different? Would it transform me? Or maybe it would raise up a giant, gleaming fortress that held a white-haired spirit who would answer all of me questions and teach me how to use my powers.”

You can’t tell right now, but I am literally shaking in anger.

“...was this the key to sending me home!?”

Shaking...

“‘I’m ready,’ I shouted to the heavens, my shaking hand reaching out for the all-powerful, all-important button. CLICK. ‘Right.’ I sighted, hearing the wah-wah of a trombone in my head. ‘So much for all the answers.’“

...

...

...

...

...

...so.

Let us review.

Steve figures out how to turn a wood block into wooden planks.

His immediate decision following this is to make a button.

His immediate thoughts about how the wooden button would work involve A) transmogrification, B) causing a giant mysterious fuck-off building to rise from the ground like this is fucking Zelda or some shit, or C) sending him home.

Something I forgot to mention is that he decides to stick the button to a tree in order to see if it can work.

Now, buttons in Minecraft can actually work without a power source, as a primer to the tear I am about to go off on, don’t get me wrong. They essentially act as a mini-redstone circuit. They power things for a few seconds, and then the thing stops working. It can move a piston. It can open a door. It can trigger a dispenser. It can activate TNT. It can activate a light. It can door all sorts of redstone shit.

HOWEVER

Steve does not know this yet, if at all.

All he knows is that he can make a button out of wood, and it can possibly do whatever the fuck it wants.

Let’s pretend I didn’t give that explanation about how buttons work in Minecraft.

If you, you, not Steve, were to make a button, what would be your immediate reaction to how it would work.

You should naturally say “I can press it. That’s it.”.

Which is the correct answer.

Because not only would a wooden button not be able to do any of the fucking things Steve thought it would, you know what a button would need in order to do anything other than be pressed?

A FUCKING POWER SOURCE

YOU WOULD NEED A FUCKING POWER SOURCE STEVE

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT REDSTONE IS YET, YOU STILL SHOULD BE ABLE TO REALIZE THAT IT WOULD NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO A FUCKING POWER SOURCE IN ORDER FOR IT TO DO ANY OF THE FUCKING THINGS YOU JUST THOUGHT

SLAPPING IT ON A TREE WOULD NOT FUCKING WORK

HOW FUCKING BAD IS YOUR FUCKING BRAIN DAMAGE, YOU FUCKING ASS-BACKWARDS CUBE MAN

HOW MUCH OF YOUR BRAIN IS FUCKING GONE?!

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

what

Steve decides to make the hole in the cliff more like an actual home and not, you know, a hole, and then we get the best scene of the book as Steve decides to break his fists.

“I couldn’t tunnel through stone with my bare hands. Could I?”

“OW, OW, OW[!]”

No words...

...

...should’ve sent a poet...

And then Steve has a fit and doubles down on stupidity and kicks the stone blocks not to long after.

So, because Steve is still functionally brain damaged, he has yet to figure out that he needs to adhere to the second half of the game’s title and, you know, craft something, but he does know that he needs a tool.

You know those moments where someone is a severe fucking idiot, and they are so close to understanding why they’re an idiot, and they just barely fail to get there? You know, those moments where you question how much longer your brain can take before you punch something? No comment.

“I tried hitting the stone wall with things I’d collected: saplings, dirt cubes, even zombie flesh. For all I knew, this world gave any one of them the power of a jackhammer. None of them worked, but the sapling gave me the idea to try ripping a piece of harder, stronger wood fro the leafless trees behind me.”

Spoilers, no, the last horse has yet to cross the finish line. Instead of turning wood into planks, he tries letting gravity decide this.

“Timmmber!”

But unfortunately, that’s not how that fucking words, and Steve is practically dumbfounded that the tree is still floating despite him knocking out the bottom part of the trunk.

He then decides that it’s the tree’s fault.

“‘Look,’ I said, negotiating with the suspended column, ‘blocks and zombies are one thing, but gravity!?”

It’s astounding that Steve had the gall to say that outloud and still be offended about the tree thing.

And Steve continues to prove Darwin correct as, instead of breaking the wood block down into planks, he tries using the block to tunne

wait

wait, wait, no, i

i just

i just fucking

lik

...okay, you have got to be fu

He was using his right hand to punch the wall, right, which, okay, not that insulting, but when he fucking switches the block into his left hand, he

he fucking

CRAFTING GRID

HE HAS A FUCKING CRAFTING GRID IN HIS FUCKING HAND

YOU KNOW THAT FUCKING 2x2 GRID THAT’S IN THE INVENTORY

HE HAS ONE IN HIS FUCKING HAND, LITERALLY IN HIS FUCKING LEFT HAND, IT IS FUCKING INGRAINED INTO HIS FUCKING LEFT HAND, I AM NOT MAKING THIS THE FUCK UP

"My square eyes widened as my left hand opened to reveal a luminous grid. There were two lines, up-down, side-to-side, dividing my PALM INTO FOUR SECTIONS-”

WHY THE FUCK IS HIS HAND THE 2x2 CRAFTING GRID

Oh, and guess fucking what, by putting the wood block into his left fucking hand, Steve is granted the magical fucking image of wooden planks

WHY THE FUCK IS HIS HAND THE 2x2 CRAFTING GRID

WHY THE FUCK IS HIS HAND THE 2x2 CRAFTING GRID

WHY THE FUCK IS HIS HAND THE 2x2 CRAFTING GRID

WHY THE FUCK IS HIS HAND THE 2x2 CRAFTING GRID

WHY THE FUCK IS HIS HAND THE 2x2 CRAFTING GRID

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Tonight’s Episode of The Flash Pissed Me Off So Bad, Reading More of This Seems Better By Comparison (Seriously, Fuck “Lose Yourself” With a Spork, Ralph Dibny Did Not Need To Fucking Die, Fuck You Season 4)

I’m not happy.

“Deeper breathing brought greater calm, and greater calm brought clearer thinking.” Okay, give the book this much, at least: that is some good advice right now, awkwardly worded as it may be.

And then the zombie starts dying from daylight, but Steve assumes the zombie is upset that he mused upon the smart idea of building a weapon, so maybe Steve needs to breath deeper.

“Had it heard me? Were we having an actual conversation?” Well, you were saying words out loud, and you were responding to noises, technically you were...

Steve starts panicking, assuming he hurt the zombie’s feelings (for the love of fuck, the stupidity hurts and yet this is exactly the kind of pain I need right now), and he winds up apologizing to the creature who is unable to think, let alone emote, for so long, he fails to realize that it is now dead.

And when I said “fails to realize”, I mean:

“Was the zombie building a fire outside my hole and trying to smoke me out? Could zombies do that?”

NO YOU FUCKING MORON

Steve decides to dig himself out just in case, and all he sees is a slab of Rotten Flesh on the ground, so yeah, RIP Zombie. You almost made the book end early.

“The fringes were charred like a burnt burger[.]” I mention this quote as an aside: if you are among the group of people that like their food being burned, you are an idiot. Carry on.

Steve, showing off more of his intellectual skills, thinks the zombie left part of himself as a trap to lure Steve out, and the following quote is me letting you know I am not lying to you:

“I darted across the sand, thinking that this was a trap and the zombie might be waiting on the hill just above me. It wasn’t. The coast, literally, was clear. ‘Hey, Dead Dude!’ I shouted, holding up the hunk of rot. ‘You forgot yourself?’“

You could say that the zombie even went so far as to lose himse

Okay, look, seriously, I’m sorry, but I can’t let this fucking thing go, I’m going off on a tangent for a bit, so I’m going to make this one big ass paragraph so you can skip it if you feel so inclined. I know that this is a blog about the Minecraft book, but fuck it, this is the maddest “The Flash” has made me this entire fucking season. I thought things were doing alright, I actually liked Ralph, despite a decent chunk of people I saw not liking him all that well, you know. And then the show decided to do the DeVoe plot, and I got kind of concerned, because they were building up DeVoe to be so smart, he’s ten steps ahead of Team Flash, and they don’t even know what game they’re playing yet (rather appropriate, since the season’s almost over, and we still don’t know what DeVoe’s fucking plan is), so I wasn’t really all that looking forward to the rest of the season. And then came “Don’t Run”, which not only introduced the “DeVoe can now steal bodies” aspect to the narrative, it also kickstarted the “Trial of the Flash” arc; sidenote, I fucking hate “Trial of the Flash”, any story that sees the main characters get fucked over so bad and sent to prison (see My Name is Earl’s second season finale/first third of season three) is dogshit, plain and simple. Granted, they wound up spending, like, four episodes on it, and then Barry is allowed to leave prison, but then they go full head first into the “DeVoe stealing bodies” thing, and I kept getting more and more upset and angry over how he kept winning, he’s so far gone that he’s drugging and mindwiping his wife, no one knows what to do, and then “Lose Yourself” happens, and just when it seems like they finally are going to stop DeVoe, it turns out this was all his plan, and the climax of the episode sees him stealing Ralph’s body, effectively killing him, fuck this episode, fuck this season, and fuck “The Flash”, good fucking night.

...except not really, because there’s still more of this book I want to read for this part.

Okay, so, before I went off on that fucking tear, Steve confirmed that the zombie was just a slab of meat now. He then realizes that the Sun is to blame. And thankfully, after getting briefly hung up on that fact (due to vampires usually having the sun weakness), Steve wisely drops it, since this ain’t normal reality, and he shouldn’t assume things. After all, you know that saying about people who assume...

But that doesn’t stop him from wondering how the hole he dug hadn’t collapsed yet, but whatever, thank God for small miracles.

However, that does allow him to realize that he can easily dig tunnels and holes for shelter, no problem, so again, thank God for small miracles.

But then Steve assumes (hypocrite) that there’s a possibility that there’s some sort of “natural sanctuary” out on the island, and this is me putting $5 even on Steve never stumbling across a Village during this book. Calling it now.

But what the island lacks in caves, it makes up for in cows, as Steve notices some chilling about, which he considers proof that the sun “chased” the monsters away.

Uh, yeah, they’re dead, bro.

But then, as if Steve did fuck all for the past few minutes (perish the thought), it’s suddenly noon time, meaning he’s going to have to go back into the hole soon. “How short are the days here?” Well, a quick Google search tells me 20 minutes total, 10 for day, 7 for night, the remainder for dusk and dawn, respectively, so, about the length of an “Always Sunny” episode.

After climbing down from (what Steve has dubbed) Disappointment Hill (which I am renaming “Fuck Steve”, because fuck Steve), Steve considers ripping off LOST.

“Using nothing but my hands I punched out enough dirt blocks to spell the word ‘HELP!’ Maybe a low-flying airplane or even a high-flying satellite will see it, I thought.”

And then the Smoke Monster will eat you, and it will turn out you were actually in Heaven the whole time, I don’t know, LOST’s ending made no sense.

“But I’m getting ahead of myself.” I agree, I’m going to stop here for now, lest I go off on another tear about “The Flash”, and this has to become the title of the blog now:

I referenced “Always Sunny” earlier, I had to.

[possiblytheworstideaieverhad]

Is He Strong? Listen, Bud. He’s Got Cubes For Blood.

So Chapter 3 picks up in the hole as Steve learns about the magic of breathing.

“How much did I have? Was I already suffocating?” Well, given how you aren’t currently buried by sand and/or gravel, no... “What did suffocation feel like?” Well, remember when you almost drowned? Well, replace water with sand/gravel. Boom.

Steve then realizes that he doesn’t hurt anymore, and this is because he managed to regain his hearts due to having his hunger levels up enough to facilitate the recharge.

But hey, this is a smart person talking; how would an ignorant idiot describe this?

“I chomped down another apple, trying to make sense of what was happening. Am I losing oxygen to the brain, I wondered, or did I just heal super fast? Seriously, am I a superhero?”

“Seriously, am I a superhero?”

Jesus fucking Christ, let’s humor Steve for a second: okay, you are a superhero. Guess what? You are the worst fucking superhero of all time.

Your main accomplishments so far include almost drowning the literal second the story starts, punching the fuck out of the ground, bullying nature, almost getting beaten to death by a zombie, and burying yourself alive like a fucking baby!

Fucking Bubble Boy is a better superhero than you, and his main accomplishments involve getting his powers by blowing off his job of delivering a super awesome plastic formula to watch robots fight, whereupon he fucking drank the formula because he thought he was holding a soda and kept drinking it as he realized it, and attacking a skywriting device because he thought it was a fucking bomb.

FUCK YOU

And then Steve decides to shoot the shit with the zombie that almost killed him, worst fucking superhero ever, your superpower is fucking brain damage.

“The zombie groaned. ‘Is that it?‘ I asked the ghoul. ‘Does this world give me hyper-healing, and do the apples, or any food, have something to do with it?’ Another noncommittal groan.”

I choose to believe that the zombie is telling him to go fuck himself.

“‘You don’t have to answer,’ I said. ‘I’ll figure everything out, because that’s what it takes to survive here, right?’”

If there was such a thing as a kind and loving God, you would get blown up by a Creeper before you figured any of this shit out, dumbass.