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[poetrybound]

The monster I created

Passive eyes stare through me as I look into the mirror The person in my reflection looks nothing like me anymore They’re all dried up, skin sinking underneath the eyes,  Eyes, emotionless, an endless void It’s not like they don’t sleep, quite the opposite really But the way their hands shake screams exhaustion, Begs for freedom Asks for help Their eyes remain passive This person… this monster… Can’t be me

When you’re caged inside your own mind Words lose their meaning Actions feel useless Waiting for this to end For the key to magically appear, that’s all you can do Until then I will sit and wait and stare at the wall across from me Count every crack in the paint, Every mistake, every spot that is losing colour, Hoping that would tell me the secret The secret of surviving my own mind I have lived this nightmare several times In fact, I know it’ll end eventually again However, you don’t tell a drowning person that they’ll breathe again You don’t pat a dying man on the shoulder and say “It’ll be over soon” You don’t tell a bleeding woman, to just wait it out And so I don’t tell myself to stop tensing up,  I don’t tell myself to stop crying out in pain I don’t tell myself that it’ll be over soon No, I just sit and stare, and wait

And when the time has come And I wash the dried blood of my hands Looking over my shoulder and see the dead body I had to create The scars I had to add to an ever growing collection In order to be free I wonder if it has all been worth it Murdering myself, Watching that monster bleed out underneath me Has it been worth it? Or should I have just sat and stared and waited?

[poetrybound]

Things I said too quiet

You have got me How does it feel? You have got me How does it feel? You have got me How does it feel?

How does it feel to be able to crush my heart In between your hands?  You made me wanna create again My hands aching to hold a pen and scrape it all over the paper I am shaking with voices in my head Whispering words into my ear Words I want so desperately to get out Throw them on paper, throw them out So many words I wanna share but I can’t

Seeing you Makes me wanna take my heart out Shaking it in front you  And watching all those emotions tumble out On the floor Soiling my good intentions Soiling my strong reputation

One smile is enough And I am absolutely helpless against you And you don’t even know And you don’t even care What would you do, I wonder? What would you say? 

But everytime I think about it I don’t actually wanna know

What I do wanna know Is how you got hold of me How did you do it? I am terrified of feeling I am terrified of loving But you made falling for you so easy

I wasn’t falling, because not once did I lose my footing Not once was I out of balance Not once was I missing the ground underneath my feet So how did you do it? It wasn’t a fall  It was a slow dance A head on a shoulder A shared drink and some glances lingering for too long It was gentle conversation and honesty It was a smile and a nod It was the feeling of being respected and liked

It wasn’t a fall It was almost like a choice And I am scared I am terrified Why did you do that to me?

I am not ready for this But dammit you make me wanna be ready I wanna love And I wanna be loved

And I don’t think I can ever have you But knowing how easy you made it To fall for you I don’t think I’ll ever be ready To feel those feelings Towards another human being But I will damn well try To make it worth the dance

[poetrybound]

I am almost not in love with you at all

Lovely summer skies,  Couples holding hands On the overfilled beaches Ice cream melts Right after buying it My fingers get sticky I hear you laugh And I am not in love with you at all

Autumn comes, The days get shorter The city more colourful I haven’t seen something like this The sky closes up, Rain washing away the worries Of our lifetime I hear you fall into the leaves And I am not in love with you at all

With winter, the snow comes and goes Cold wet weather Hoodies over T-Shirts Hot cocoa to keep warm Feet up on the table Cuddled into a warm blanket As our favorite movie plays on TV I hear you quote a few lines And I am not in love with you at all

Spring melts all the ice The colour returns to the leaves The sky gets its beautiful blue Couples holding hands As the flowers start to bloom But hot cocoa is still okay to drink I hear you sneeze And I am not in love with you at all

Summer returns and with it the heat Sweat runs down your face Your hair sticks to you forehead As we fix our bikes The beaches will be overfilled again But we want to go anyway And I am almost not in love with you at all

[poetrybound]

You don’t know what it means to me

Have you ever written something Just for someone else to see? Checked fiercely If they ever noticed it Have you ever dreamed of A forever, something you simply Cannot have?

Have you ever cried over The loss of something that was your fault? Have you ever tried so so hard To fix? To forget? To be better? And you failed Over and over Again and again As if nothing you do matters As if you don’t get a say in it As if your efforts are unimportant You work You bleed You cry You fall asleep, Cradling your fragile heart In two shaking hands

Some things are not meant to be But that doesn’t mean I will let go Forget Won’t try again Cry even more Fight until I die.

[poetrybound]

The devil comes dressed in black trousers, leather jackets, and a smile on his face. He has brown hair and bright green eyes and would offer you his coat if you were cold. The devil isn’t covered in blood, has black or red skin, and neither has he horns on his head. The devil is beautiful, dangerous, and never in your life would you know it’s him until it’s too late and you’re already in too deep.

You make mistakes and your biggest one will be trusting him, but you’re like me. You cannot help it. Why would he be so kind if he wanted to destroy you?

Because he is no soldier, he is no criminal.

He doesn’t appear heartless or cold, he is warm and inviting, giving you hugs when you need them most and patting your back when you did something right.You can count on him being there whenever you need him, never leaving your side and giving you the promise of a brighter, more happy future.

And when you find yourself, standing over a body, bloody knife in your hand, and tears running down your face, he will be there, smiling his sweet innocent smile at you. He will wrap you in his arms and say:

“Shh… You know this is for your own good. No matter what I do or say, it’s all for you.”

And you will cry more because you cannot escape, you cannot leave. He holds you tight in his embrace, never letting go until he takes the knife of your shaking, shameful murder hands and literally stabs you in the back. You had no other choice than to trust him when you met.

Because the devil doesn’t come dressed in a crown and horns, introducing himself as the king of hell. No, he will be everything you have ever dreamed of, everything you have ever wished for and more. He will be a friend, family, someone you can trust. And he will make you regret