periodic-euphoria

[periodic-euphoria]

Forgetting Is Freedom

As long as you haunt my dreams

I won’t have a restful sleep

As long as your ghost swims in my thoughts

I’ll live every moment scared that I’ll drown

As long as my mind keeps bumping into memories of you

I’ll be unable to think of anything else

As long as my hands wish they were in yours

I won’t be able to work, or write, or draw

Without producing something that bleeds of your memory

As long I remember your name

My lips won’t taste sweetness in any other sound

As long as I remember your eyes

I’ll search for them in every crowd

I wish I could just forget you

So I could finally be free of you

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Choosing to Love You

I would choose you in a room full of people

I would choose you over all the riches of the earth

I would choose you over money, power, glory

Over success and honour

I would choose you in every lifetime and every universe

And I’m scared you wouldn’t choose me

In fact I know you wouldn’t choose me

Was that too much to ask for

It’s ok, I’ll still choose you

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Alone With You

Scared of crowds

Scared of loud noises

I just want to be alone

With no one but you

Scared of people seeing me

It’s ok when you look at me

Scared of how my voice sounds

It’s ok when I talk to you

Scared of doing something wrong

It’s ok when it’s just us

No one to laugh and make fun of us

No one to judge us

No one to bother us

All alone

Safe, quiet and peaceful

Alone with you

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Ultimatum

****TW: death, suicide******

****This is just a silly little poem don’t agree with what it says or act on any negative thoughts. If you are in distress contact your local crisis line or go to a hospital please do not hurt yourself!!! If you want to talk feel free to message me*****

Which crime is more sinful

Which choice is worse

Killing myself

Or killing everyone around me

There is no reality

Where all our souls come out alive

Unhurt

Somebody will die no matter what I choose

And I’ll be the one who killed them

So isn’t it better

If I kill me

Even if I didn’t deserve it

Will I be a hero

Will everyone finally love me and will God forgive me

And will my parents finally say they love me and they miss me

One sacrifice to save countless others

Seems about right

It’s what they always wanted

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Watching You Grow Up

Look at you

All grown up now

It seems it was only yesterday

That I first held you in my arms

What a sweet child you were

I remember when you first opened your eyes

So innocent and pure

Why are they now filled with sadness?

I remember when you first learned to talk

Why do you now stutter when you speak?

I remember when you took your first steps

Why do you walk so quietly now? Afraid to make a sound?

I remember when you would giggle and smile

Why are you now sullen? Angry at the world?

I remember when I would give you bubble baths

When’s the last time you showered?

I remember when I would read you a story before bed

When’s the last time you went to sleep?

I remember consoling you whenever you’d cry

Why do you no longer cry?

I remember feeding you your favourite food

Why do you no longer eat?

I watched you grow up

And I swear you were a happy child

You were perfectly fine back then

I watched you grow up

But I’m starting to think

I should have done more than just watch

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How I See You

Dear my dearest,

You think yourself to be stupid

And you are

Too daft to recognize your own agonizing beauty

Yet you get see it in the mirror every day

While I consider myself lucky

To be able to catch a glimpse of you from afar

You think yourself to be friendless

And you are

All those people that you laugh and gossip with all day

If they were true friends who truly loved you they would shade you with their own hands when the sun hit your eyes

And hold their coats over you when it rained, even if it was only a drizzle

And hang your shoes over the heater for a while so they could be nice and warm when you wore them

And sleep on the side of the bed that’s closer to the door so you don’t feel as scared at night

How friendless you are to have no one to do that for you

I would do that for you

You think yourself to be quiet and boring

And you are

Because no one around you cares to listen

If someone did, they would find that you have so much to say that even when you talk for hours your mind still races faster than your words can keep up

I would listen

I would sit and listen to all your stories and all your jokes and I would hang on to every word you say like a child collecting candies, arms full but still eagerly reaching out for more

And I would never get tired

You think yourself to be unlovable

Because no one has ever expressed their love for you

No one has ever been lucky enough to love you

They’re all fools

Only an artist can truly appreciate art

Because you are art, and unlovable is the farthest possible way to describe you

You are what writers write about and what singers sing about and what dreamers dream about

You have no idea how loved you are by me

And you’ll have a hard time believing it

That this is how I see you

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Stranger

I knew you by many names

My friend, my love, my sun, my star

You were mine

And I knew you day and night

Mind and heart

I knew the rhythm of your breathing

The sound of your footsteps

I knew every birthmark and scar and scab on your body even with my eyes closed

I knew which song you wanted to listen to that afternoon in November and I knew how you liked your coffee and I knew when we sat together sipping on our cups on the couch that there was no place or time in this universe that you’d rather be

And you knew me just the same

You knew when my favourite tea was running out and you’d buy some more so I’d never have to go a day without it even though you never drank it yourself

You knew me day and night

Mind and heart

We knew each other like how sunflowers know which way the sun is and follow it wherever it goes and how the waves dance under the moon and even from millions of miles away they know which way the moon pulls them

I knew you

And now I know nothing

I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing or how you’re feeling

Are you doing ok?

I don’t know if you ever ended up getting that tattoo or if you still visit your grandparents on Sundays or if you still wear the same blue knitted hat when it snows

It was your favourite hat

Now you’re just a stranger

Who I’ve lived a lifetime with

A stranger who knows more about me than anyone ever has or ever will know

A stranger who knows what it feels like

To hold my hand

And I know what it feels like to hold yours

[periodic-euphoria]

Photographer

Always taking pictures

Never in the photos

Always getting your good side

Always looking for good in you

Convince myself there’s good in you

Albums full of our memories

I’m not in the pictures but I was there

Was I really there

Really? Was I ever actually there

Thousands of pictures

Showing you from my eyes

Never one of me

I don’t know my own smile

Do I smile?

I love making you smile though

I don’t know how I look from your eyes

Do you even see me

Am I worth looking at

Is there no good side of mine you want to capture

Is there no laugh of mine you want to preserve

Don’t worry everyone get in the frame

I’ll make sure you all look good

Arms around the people you want to remember

Smile for the camera

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My First Word Was Baba

My first word was baba

Even though I’d yet to meet you

You were overseas for work

Left some days after my birth

I was taught by my mother

She said “you have a baba”

“And he loves you very much

Even though he’s never here”

My mother taught me to love

Someone I’d never seen

And I spent the rest of my life

Wishing you’d see me too

I hate to see your face

And hate to see you cry

You’re the voice in my head

Telling me I should just die

Yet I can’t live the way I want to

Can’t do things that disappoint you

In the end you’re still my baba

And even when you’re not here

Even when you leave me

I still love you

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You were always my first choice, but I was never yours

A bridge has two sides

A boat two paddles

That’s why I’m in the river

And you’re on the shore

I’m gasping for breath

And you’re getting bored

I look up at the sun one last time

And you shield your eyes

You get up and move on

And leave me behind

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Those That Watch From The Trees

eyes Claws wide Sharp

hidden Closely careful Watching

people Children walking Playing

always No-one seeing Notices

guarding Protecting trees Shadows

saving From us Them

those Watch that From

the trees

[periodic-euphoria]

Jellybean Thoughts

Lots of colours

Red blue green orange yellow white

A whole jar full

Each one is the same

But each one is different

They’re quite small

But too much will give you a stomach ache

And cavities

They get stuck in your teeth

Annoying

But tasty

And some colours taste better than others

There’s always a jellybean that falls on the ground

And gets kicked under the couch

You can’t reach it

It was a yucky colour anyways

It’s not important

Sometimes I feel like that jellybean

Lost forgotten unwanted

And ants keep me company

But no one likes ants either

So there we are

The abandoned jellybean and the ants

Under the couch

And the ants will eat me until I am no more

And no one will even notice

[periodic-euphoria]

Cat Language Opera

Meow

Meoow

Meoooow

Meow meow

Meeow meeow

Meeeeow meeeeow

Meow meow meow

Meeow meoow meeow

Meeoow meeoow meeoow

Mrrrp

Mi

Mp

Meow

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History

We write diaries

We take pictures

We tell stories

Make notes

Compile books

Draw maps

We do everything we can

To record what has happened

What we did

What we saw

Who we met

What we learned

We want so badly to remember

And to leave behind remnants

That others can remember us by

And we dig up ancient ruins

And study their artefacts

And translate their writings

Because we want to know them

And we want to remember them

We’re obsessed with remembering

Remembering our friends our family our ancestors our neighbours

Remembering ourselves and our history

We mark the graves of people we love

So we can remember them long after their bodies have mixed with the earth

We take out old albums and look through them every now and then

Remembering people we haven’t heard from in decades

We read stories of people we never even met

Heroes and writers, musicians and fighters

And we miss them all the same

We say please don’t leave me don’t forget me

I promise I’ll never forget you

I could never forget you

And all the while we’re scared

We’re so scared

That despite all our best efforts

We might still forget

[periodic-euphoria]

I’m Scared You’re Just a Hyperfixation

Love of my life

Light of my soul

Healer of strife

I’m losing control

Day and night

I think of you

Yet I’m scared I might

Grow tired of you

Strength in my bones

Warmth in my heart

You’re the one I call home

I can’t stay apart

Time ticks away

Sweat on my brow

God for once let me stay

Help me stick around

Lists of lovers

Books of friends

Each time I became a stranger

Each time I made forever end

Love of my life

Life of only some years

I promised you infinity

Yet the end grows near

Day and night

I think of you

Yet like all the others

I’ll grow tired of you

Time ticks away

Sweat on my brow

Dear God please let me stay

For once help me stick around

[periodic-euphoria]

What Scares The Shadows

Long, dark, shadowy hallways

Shapes hide from my sight

I am worse than the demons

[periodic-euphoria]

Frozen Boy

It’s snowing again

Like it does every year

Blanketing the world in white

You’re at the lake

It’s covered in ice

Sparkling under the sun’s golden light

You play with the other kids

Down by the shore

Running and laughing with delight

You step onto the frozen lake

Faster than the others

Slipping and smiling all bright

You didn’t know it would crack

You didn’t know you would fall

The parent’s warnings were right

You try to swim but you never learned how

The cold numbs your limbs, the water burns your lungs

Soon you lose strength to put up a fight

You were just a kid

You didn’t know any better

Gone like the sun in the night

They told us about you the next day at school

I remember you to this day

The thought of your loss still gives me a fright

I see you sometimes in my dreams

Swim home, come back to the shore frozen boy

Wherever you are, I hope you’re alright