pennyinpaige

[pennyinpaige]

It’s the second week of January and my break is over.

Time for being back around my kids and my nose in books.

My mind in the sky and my heart on the ground.

Separated but conjoined by my mood.

My sister is leaving tomorrow and routined life begins.

Back to staying in touch rather than seeing her everyday.

Distance separates you from your loved ones, any loved ones for that matter.

Even though technology is sometimes a trap, I am so grateful to be able to text or call back.

It’s the second week of January and so my solitude begins.

For the time I spend now, on me, it greatly depends.

No time for this or that. For even me thinking about where or with who I am going out with.

Be straight forward, but even then I may lag.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t go unnoticed. Effort goes along way and I won’t notice until you show it.

It’s the second week of January and a lot has been planned this year.

Obsessed with progress and my career.

If you catch me, know its been slow day.

And maybe my mind needs some reassurance or someone positive to tell me everything’s okay.

A companion, someone always needs. Even though the greatest companion one can find, is what’s under their own sleeves.

It’s the New Year and I couldn’t be more ready. Just like any other day, I always take it steady.

Blessed Be & Peace <3

[pennyinpaige]

Awe, yes. A New Year.

I feel like I don't have much to say, but that's never really true. A New Year wouldn't be new if you didn't sit with last year and everything that happened to you. Thinking about the choices you made, the people you met, and the ones you sometimes want to forget.

I think for me, in the year of 2024, I finally realized what I'm looking for. A soft love that no other can touch, sentimental between the two, perceiving one another as enough. In 2024 I really gave it all. Striving to be open and choosing to fall. To not walk away from the little things that may not add up, for everyone is learning life and how to adjust.

I think what I learned in 2024 is that even loving unconditionally can hurt beyond your core. It sometimes crushes your soul when you don't know how or when to let go. Be smart with who you give your time to, for only specific people you are meant to hold. The ones who are able and willing to rise above. Believe them when they say they are not ready for love.

I thank all the past years where I learned to not hate the person or feel like they're the one to blame. Now I tend wonder why I put myself in that situation and sometimes all I feel is shame. I can't blame anyone but myself for the way my life turns out. I can be extremely hard on myself as progression is what I taught myself to be about. Obsessed with looking at my life from a birds eye point of view, like I'm my higher self who knows why I'm going through the things I'm going through.

In 2025, I'll use what I learned from the year before. To have an open heart but hold tight on the things you're looking for. Don't settle for anything that doesn't hold up to your standards and boundaries. You deserve to be loved no matter your surroundings. Distance and situations shouldn't matter for when you truly love someone your whole world isn't supposed to shatter.

In 2025, I think I'll mainly be alone. Very picky with who I choose to bring home. Not just anyone will touch my body or enter my mind. Although, dates and conversations are fine. Just know I see through facades and understand intentions. This year, nothing will be stronger than my intuition. Tread carefully to those who wish to be in my life, for if they only like the idea of me, I may never be a wife.

Heres to 2025 and all the new adventures I'll experience. To all the connections, regardless if they're serious. Here's to a fun, slow, and loving year; filled with progression, growth, and abundance as I genuinely welcome it here.

Peace and Blessed Be <3

[pennyinpaige]

“You deserve a relationship that enables you to sleep peacefully at night.”

— R.H. Sin

[pennyinpaige]

It’s Christmas Eve and I woke up with puffy eyes and my best friend calling me. A terrible night but a better morning. The morning still stung and I prayed and asked God to clear the way. Whoever truly loves me will stay and whoever’s intentions aren’t genuine, will fall away.

My mom could tell I was in a sad mood. She asked me what’s wrong and I told her the truth. She reassured me of my heart and told me it wasn’t my fault. To not feel guilty because I was protecting my heart. I didn’t want what my mind was saying to be true, but words fall short, it’s actions that pull through. It’s not that I lost the love I had for you, but rather you’re not ready to love me the way I love you.

It’s Christmas Eve and it’s foggy. The rain started and now there’s a fire crackling. My mom said don’t let your Christmas be ruined, but what’s worse than feeling like you have to force away the one you love because they can’t love you?

It’s Christmas Eve and I think you may feel hurt as much as me. You’re scared to get broken but did you think of how you were breaking me? I can’t even blame you, really. I was completely naive. Thought I could stay in your life whatever it brings, but little did I know the inconsistency, the distance, the inability for you to truly show love, and be comfortable with giving yourself fully, would make me feel unworthy and water all my insecurities. I was naive believing that an open heart will always win. And don’t get me wrong, I still believe that but only now I realize there’s a balance to how you give. I still have to look out for myself, keep my standards and boundaries clear.

It’s Christmas Eve and last year I gave you a gift. This year I bought you one as well. It’s very few people that I genuinely and deeply care about, and you were one of them. I never go back but for you I did. Not once, not twice, not even three times but four. You’re the hardest person to let go. I have no clue why, I just know I have a lot of work to do. I understand I fell short somewhere. Maybe deep down I thought you were the one and maybe that you will be in the future, but it hurts to think about that, as I know I shouldn’t wait for you. Maybe all the pasts times we met in our lives, there was a block to where we couldn’t be together. And maybe this life I thought all those blockages would clear. We’d meet at a time where we dealt with the trauma we’d experience from others and our connection would do nothing but heal. Or maybe I’m delusional and the love I had for you fogged my reality. Maybe everything you said perfectly hit my heart space and maybe our past sat in my soul where I thought you’d be the one I’d get to hold.

It’s almost Christmas Day and it’s raining outside. I wish everything that happened, didn’t. I wish we didn’t hurt each other to where we are scared to love one another. I wish you’d call me and told me to come near. I wish you’d hug me and never let me go. Tell me you’re sorry and I’d say you have nothing be sorry for. Reassure you that we’re both doing our best, and as long as we’re together we can get through anything.

Imagining things hurt as they may never happen. You didn’t break me, I broke myself. But Merry Christmas anyway.

[pennyinpaige]

There is an Arabic poetry which goes ;

"It is the same rain that you loved that drowned you."

[pennyinpaige]

[pennyinpaige]

Good rising

It’s 7:37 on a Sunday morning and I feel some sort of peace. Like I know what I need to do. Not just in my day to day but with my mentality too.

It’s December 22 and Christmas is near. A time where all your loved ones are supposed to be here. Some live far away and some are resting in heaven, but I’m still here in California with semi sunny weather.

It’s 7:43 at the beginning of the week, or the end, however you wish to perceive, and I only have a couple things that are pulling at my strings. It’s a weird thing really, that when I have no choice but to work and study I want to rest. But when I have two weeks off I feel guilty about laying in bed.

It’s Christmas break and I know exactly what I’ll do. Read, work on my book, paint, and crotchet a thing or two. I’ll stay to myself and sit in my shadows, for someone I love showed me the parts of me that matter. This is what I mean by loving with authenticity . If you’re a hundred percent you, all the things you need to heal will shine through. It’s uncomfortable and surfaces a lot of emotions, but if you’re confident enough with who you are, someone’s rejection of you won’t push you too far.

It’s Sunday morning and I’m sipping my tea, next to my father who’s drinking his coffee. I know I should eat soon and clean my room, do some laundry and organize my shoes; but my eyes are sleepy and I’d rather lay in my room.

It’s 8 am on a Sunday morning and I realized it’s been awhile since I bought myself flowers. The petals and leaves are dying by the hour. Maybe I’ll eat better today, cook myself breakfast. Take a healing bath and mark everything off my checklist. I have a lot of things I want to do but really all I can think about is the painting I need to do.

It’s only three days into having nothing on my schedule and I have yet to accomplish anything but rather choose to sit and meddle. All I can tell myself is to ease my mind and listen to my heart. Dissect my day, hour by hour, part by part.

[pennyinpaige]

I have nothing to say but I want to write.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and I can’t sleep. I wish someone was up and wanted to talk to me.

Not just anyone though, sadly but greatly I’m picky. Many will talk to me, but none I want with me.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and it’ll be like that for awhile. I wish someone wanted me and not just to reconcile.

Although with you I wouldn’t mind. To talk about anything and everything if it meant I could have you for awhile.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and I have no where to be. I wish someone wanted to be with me.

In the future, to have and to hold. No ring or papers are necessary, true love begins and ends in the soul.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and sometimes I don’t want to be alone. I wish someone would choose me, no matter where I grow.

Seems a little desperate, I know. It’s not desperation if I’m willing to be alone. Risking my heart is not a risk I will take, but with you the choice is evident no matter the stake.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and I’m in my head. I’ve made it comfortable here but still wish you were here instead.

It’s a little too quiet and I should sleep. What would put me to rest? I don’t know, what do you think?

[pennyinpaige]

Over the wall

[pennyinpaige]

Sometimes I trace my skin with my fingertips. Feeling what someone else feels. Not with lust but with love. Red almond nails grazing against each rib. Hand easing the bumps I caused to raise. Mountains and valleys that are beautiful in the moonlight just as much as they are in the sun. Her skin like flower petals, soft and lightly fragrant. A smell you can never forget, lavender and chamomile. Her hair is as wild as the tall grass that grows for years. The wind caresses her skin, she can’t see it but she can feel it. From miles away she breathes in natures breath. Her prayers answered by the stars, legs running with the planets. The inside of her as vast as the blackness of space. Her heart as deep as the oceans. Her blood flows like streams ready to find the next thing. The birds speak to her mind. No one can listen to her the way Gaia does. No one can calm her soul as the sun does. No one can touch her the way the earth does. No one can meet her until they understand the leaves through passing seasons. Emotions as fluid with Days. Love interchanging with frequencies. Thoughts progressing as the years do. She settles for holding herself until someone sees why she moves with gratitude.

[pennyinpaige]

source.com

[pennyinpaige]

I’ve been sleeping early and rising with the sun. I’ve been hearing the birds chirp and the quiet of everyone. I’ve been sleeping on my own terms not waiting for a response. I’ve deleted the access they have of me, I belong to no one.

I’ve been drinking tea, staying away from coffee. I’ve been reading books instead of endlessly scrolling. I’ve been taking my medicine and watering my plants. Feeding my animals and nurturing my soul. Loving endlessly with no goal.

I’ve been reminding myself that everything is alright. Day by day, hour by hour. I’m trying to eat more, workout, and relax in my showers. Not everything has to be a rush, take time to slow down and you’ll learn to fall in love. With the details of your mind, the cry’s from your body; you’ll listen more intently to your higher self leading you to grow more quickly.

I’ve been checking my ego, quieting my mind, and letting my heart speak. For if you move differently than this, the trouble you’ll find will occur indefinitely.

Here’s to new changes and loving yourself properly. Here’s to not stressing out periodically. Perfection isn’t possible, so stop worrying. Everything is a learning journey, an opportunity to know yourself more truly. You are perfect the way you are and every day you get better. Keep focusing on yourself and how to love others.

Blessed be ✨

[pennyinpaige]

It's been a year, It's been 9 hours

It's been awhile since I've seen your face the way I saw it the first time we rekindled.

It's been a mess since we were young.

I remember your face out on the playground, smiling at everyone. You remember sitting behind me, neither of us aware of what we'd become.

I missed you and I didn't even realize till all my loves taught me who I was. Til I went through years of pain and deterioration as they stripped me clean until I was left with no remembrance of why I used to be so happy. I rose with strength, building walls until I remembered who I was and who I am to be; until I realized what I needed and who didn't deserve to be close to me.

I met you, not when I was broken, but when I was stable, up high and my heart was filled with my ego. I was so sure of what was good for me and what I needed to let go. I met you with my walls that used to protect me. I met you when my mind was really out to get me. what used to keep me safe was now hindering my destiny. I met you when I realized I pushed anyone away for the tiniest thing that triggered my insecurities. I met you at the right time; The time I didn't know how much I really needed love and didn't understand what it truly was. I met you when I needed you.

You met me when your heart was open halfway. You met me when you were trying to let love come your way. You met me when you still had hope. You met me at the wrong time. I left you when you needed me the most.

I realized once you left how wrong I was, but it was too late; your heart was already closed. I screamed and yelled; thought about the times I used to punish myself. My walls hurt me, and I wanted to tear them down. The knife I used to use never looked against my skin so well. I raged and tore myself apart for how awful I felt. I wanted to hurt myself for the harsh ways I had dealt. Everything became quiet as my tears fell. I sat in silence and reassured myself. I am worthy, I am learning. I'm not who I used to be. I have grown and transcended; I can still create a new me.

It's been a year since you were my Thursdays. I had my Tuesdays, my everydays, my three days...but none were like you, Thursday. A day in which I thought I'd never return but something still settles in my heart, something that yearns.

It's been a year and sometimes I feel like you still don't want me. Whether you're waiting for something new or simply you just haven't got any clue of what to do. I've never waited for anyone but you. I broke your heart and now you might break mine; for I can never leave your side regardless of the signs. The thought of you makes my heart warm, but the thoughts I feel you have of me, sadden me to my core. I can never take back what I did, but we're all learning on how to live. How to love and reopen up. To love freely and deeply with someone you can trust. I don't know if you trust me, I highly doubt you do. You want to heal before you step into my room. And knowing you're scared of what I might do, makes me feel like I'll never be good enough for you.

It's been 9 hours and at times I feel like you will never miss this; like you will never regret walking away from me in an instance. It hurts me to stay when I know you might leave forever, but I wouldn't have it any other way, no matter the foggy weather. I have no idea what you'll do, who you'll choose, or who you will run to, but I hope it's me that you see next to you. When the sun rises and the moon sets, I hope it's me you want to talk to when you feel upset. I hope it's me you want to see when you've achieved everything you've ever wanted and dreamed. I hope it's me you visual yourself waking up to; someone who supports you in everything you do. If it's not me, that's okay too. You deserve to be loved and to feel safe in every room. Even if it's not me, I'll always have hope it's you.

It's been a year and 9 hours since I've truly seen you. The you, you once were when everything between us started new, before I hurt you. It's been a year and 9 hours, and I still want you. Every hour and every day. And if it doesn't work in this lifetime, I hope in the next one we find each other and choose to never stray.

[pennyinpaige]

If you’re here,

I hope you came with an open mind and an open heart. If you’re here I hope you read with the understanding that in this place, emotions fall at the capacity of the amount of stars. If you’re here, I hope you truly see the depth of what I feel in the dark. The thoughts I don’t speak out loud but let rest in my heart. If you’re here, I hope you take the variety of feelings with a grain of salt, but perceive every entry as a whole part.

I feel complete and know what I need; for what i write here are only little seeds. I love deeply, and I always have. I water my own garden because my plants have made their own path.

If you’re here, just know that this is another part of me. A part in which many don’t see. You are encouraged to read whatever you wish; for there are many things here that I have accomplished. Thought patterns and questioning existence. Deep emotions and confusing situations. Full vulnerability in explanations.

If you’re here, I hope you are to heal. To be inspired to kill everything you fear. Open and speak. Practice active listening and release your truth. Here is a safe space for all that you go through.

If you’re here, I welcome you to my place of thought, my place of healing, my perfect spot.

[pennyinpaige]

It's about time.

The year is coming to an end, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm losing track of time and the years before blend. I forget who I was and where I lived; Remembrance of the places I've been and the people I've spent time with. Only a few standout, but all I carry within. I have loved many times but only a couple times I had thought about closing off. Pulling my walls high and giving up. Crawling into myself, hoping to hide from my insecurities.

"People don't love me" "No one is for me"

Sometimes I wish I had never healed. Sometimes I wish I never rose as high as I did because no one told me how lonely this is. I think that people are scared once they start to understand me. They step in and see all that I am and do nothing but vanish.

Sometimes I want to leave. Be alone. I don't have to bear the feeling of people not seeing me as home. I don't have to risk the feelings of not being worthy enough to hold.

Sometimes I want to disappear so no one can see me. I want to hide and never be found because then it's my choice for others to not see me as solid ground. I know that I am worth so much and more but even when I'm visible, no one wants me around.

This year is coming to an end and next year I know where to begin. These past years I've learned to listen within. I've learned to put myself first and understand what I truly want. I've learned to love regardless of the cost. I've learned that not everything is on my terms and other peoples situations are something for me to learn. I've learned that no matter what I've felt, it costs nothing to give all I got. I've learned that if someone truly wanted me, they'd stay despite all my flaws. They'd want to be around me and trust all the things I've been taught.

Many people want me, but few have actually fought.

They say I'm perfect and it's never me. Yet, I read this differently; as It's never me and I fear it won't ever be. I try to be strong but I can only hold on for so long. I can fly, trust that I'm able. For even when I let go I'm stable. As lonely as it seems, I trust my own stream. I wade in waves and ascend into space. I fly through the clouds, sometimes never looking down. Yes, I have so much going on, but not enough to keep me from the one I want. Balance, they say, is a vital part from going astray. In my head and in my heart, I must stay. For it is the safest space. But not once will I raise my walls or close my heart; for my entire being is filled with love and art. An overflowing cup of grace and I will always be understanding of other people's pace.

It's near the end of the year and I might just cry one more time. To the loves that were never meant for me inside. I might just cry until I'm completely alone in a city where no one knows. I might just isolate until the people around me I’ll no longer see grow, completely new; for the ones that know me never think of me, as I do. I might just bury my face in books to read about others to forget myself for awhile. I'll live vicariously until I have my own new memory, as all my old ones just sit in a pile.

The new year is almost here, and I have no idea who I will be; but all I hope for is my abundance to continue. My light to shine brighter and my beauty to grow. My intelligence to rise beyond matters and connections to not be scattered. I wish to always be open and the love that’s for me to come forward.

Blessed be & peace.

[pennyinpaige]

Right or Wrong State of Mind

Good rising my fellow beings.

This is me near the ending of my attempted every day blogging quest. I started the February on here but in my journal I began with January. Writing every day has helped me immensely however I feel that each time I spent days and months without doing this, those times might have been the hardest for me. As of right now, I can't necessarily think of anything spectacular that had happened to me.

My year is in a blur and my memory is incredibly foggy. The one thing I can say is the lesson of Wrong or Right. There was a moment where I realized the distance and hesitancy I kept from anyone or anything was due to my fear of being Wrong or Right. I realized, spiritually, there is no wrong or right decision, there are just decisions. It still gives me anxiety thinking about making the "wrong" decision because I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. Any possibility of me being presented with the same lesson, stepping into it could make me feel like I have failed. I want to be right. I want to be connected. I want to prove to my Spirit Guides, God, Universe, Ancestors, Angels, that I am listening, I am connected, and I take their signs and help seriously.

However this fear of being wrong or right has kept me in the dark. It has kept me lonely. It has kept me from experiencing the depth of love that I have before in the past. This thought always presses in my mind, a form of reassurance if you will, that right now I am meant to be alone. Right now I am meant to put my energy into myself and in my path. I carry no extra time for relationships or deep love for anyone because I have so much going on for me right now.

My current path doesn't let me hold the love i'm looking for. The support, inspiration, and motivation I am wanting to seek from someone else. It is pushing me to give that to myself. How it would be nice to have my forever partner, but how it would be terrible if I were to continue seeking attention that derails me from my home path.

There is no Right or Wrong decision. There are just decisions. The decision you make cleanses the air so you can see where you really are. You would have no fear if you were well connected to your intuition, your divine team. Emotions are emotions, happy, sad, lonely, passionate, but the emotion of fear shows lack of trust within Spirit and most importantly yourself. I always would said free fall into your decisions. Dive deep into the depths of your subconscious, find your path by trusting your wings. Yet there is a difference in doing so than waiting for the the thing that feels most right. Waiting doesn't mean you don't trust your wings. Waiting means you are conserving your energy for the most important flight your soul needs.

Trust that everything happens for a reason, even the contemplation of all things. Stepping up into a higher realm, a different form of frequency is necessary. And when doing so I am scared to fall back into my old frequencies. I should have no fear for if i fall back into the old swing of things, it doesn't mean I am weak, it just means I need to tinker more with a few things. It doesn't mean I am not worthy, because I have everything that I need to succeed, my attention is just lacking on other things that could help me reach my destiny.

So for now I am submersed into my entire being. I am back to writing every morning and night to keep track of where I am and remember where I need to be.

With love,

Blessed be & Peace

[pennyinpaige]

Good Evening,

It's the night of the New Moon and as it washes away it's last phase, I too dive deep and release all that I was carrying. I turn transparent, am nothing but the world around me. i find my place and let go of all that I once saw it to be. I remember my inner child, my imagination, creativity. Dancing in circles through life with my arms up trusting that the frequency I fought hard to be in, is as safe as my authenticity.

Bring to me what is for me and drive away all that is hindering me. I understand it is not what I want that I may need. Let me thrive in the energy of just being. Feeling always like I have something to say, a notion of how I should feel. I now want to create silence and enjoy my little world; Spinning around me as my eyes are closed and my ears are open yet my body feels the movement of my environment.

I listen, I see, I feel, and I know; for I trust.

Keep on keepin on. Pay attention to what's around you and why it is there. Release and let go of what no longer serves you with this New Moon. Set your intentions for creating a new you, a new reality, a new space, where you can breath without all the unnecessary things hindering who you are to be.

Practicing opening my heart this month and falling back in love with Love. Savoring Life as it should be.

Peace and Blessed Be.