pennyinpaige

[pennyinpaige]

[pennyinpaige]

Good rising

It’s 7:37 on a Sunday morning and I feel some sort of peace. Like I know what I need to do. Not just in my day to day but with my mentality too.

It’s December 22 and Christmas is near. A time where all your loved ones are supposed to be here. Some live far away and some are resting in heaven, but I’m still here in California with semi sunny weather.

It’s 7:43 at the beginning of the week, or the end, however you wish to perceive, and I only have a couple things that are pulling at my strings. It’s a weird thing really, that when I have no choice but to work and study I want to rest. But when I have two weeks off I feel guilty about laying in bed.

It’s Christmas break and I know exactly what I’ll do. Read, work on my book, paint, and crotchet a thing or two. I’ll stay to myself and sit in my shadows, for someone I love showed me the parts of me that matter. This is what I mean by loving with authenticity . If you’re a hundred percent you, all the things you need to heal will shine through. It’s uncomfortable and surfaces a lot of emotions, but if you’re confident enough with who you are, someone’s rejection of you won’t push you too far.

It’s Sunday morning and I’m sipping my tea, next to my father who’s drinking his coffee. I know I should eat soon and clean my room, do some laundry and organize my shoes; but my eyes are sleepy and I’d rather lay in my room.

It’s 8 am on a Sunday morning and I realized it’s been awhile since I bought myself flowers. The petals and leaves are dying by the hour. Maybe I’ll eat better today, cook myself breakfast. Take a healing bath and mark everything off my checklist. I have a lot of things I want to do but really all I can think about is the painting I need to do.

It’s only three days into having nothing on my schedule and I have yet to accomplish anything but rather choose to sit and meddle. All I can tell myself is to ease my mind and listen to my heart. Dissect my day, hour by hour, part by part.

[pennyinpaige]

I have nothing to say but I want to write.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and I can’t sleep. I wish someone was up and wanted to talk to me.

Not just anyone though, sadly but greatly I’m picky. Many will talk to me, but none I want with me.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and it’ll be like that for awhile. I wish someone wanted me and not just to reconcile.

Although with you I wouldn’t mind. To talk about anything and everything if it meant I could have you for awhile.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and I have no where to be. I wish someone wanted to be with me.

In the future, to have and to hold. No ring or papers are necessary, true love begins and ends in the soul.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and sometimes I don’t want to be alone. I wish someone would choose me, no matter where I grow.

Seems a little desperate, I know. It’s not desperation if I’m willing to be alone. Risking my heart is not a risk I will take, but with you the choice is evident no matter the stake.

I guess it’s a little too quiet and I’m in my head. I’ve made it comfortable here but still wish you were here instead.

It’s a little too quiet and I should sleep. What would put me to rest? I don’t know, what do you think?

[pennyinpaige]

Over the wall

[pennyinpaige]

Sometimes I trace my skin with my fingertips. Feeling what someone else feels. Not with lust but with love. Red almond nails grazing against each rib. Hand easing the bumps I caused to raise. Mountains and valleys that are beautiful in the moonlight just as much as they are in the sun. Her skin like flower petals, soft and lightly fragrant. A smell you can never forget, lavender and chamomile. Her hair is as wild as the tall grass that grows for years. The wind caresses her skin, she can’t see it but she can feel it. From miles away she breathes in natures breath. Her prayers answered by the stars, legs running with the planets. The inside of her as vast as the blackness of space. Her heart as deep as the oceans. Her blood flows like streams ready to find the next thing. The birds speak to her mind. No one can listen to her the way Gaia does. No one can calm her soul as the sun does. No one can touch her the way the earth does. No one can meet her until they understand the leaves through passing seasons. Emotions as fluid with Days. Love interchanging with frequencies. Thoughts progressing as the years do. She settles for holding herself until someone sees why she moves with gratitude.

[pennyinpaige]

source.com

[pennyinpaige]

I’ve been sleeping early and rising with the sun. I’ve been hearing the birds chirp and the quiet of everyone. I’ve been sleeping on my own terms not waiting for a response. I’ve deleted the access they have of me, I belong to no one.

I’ve been drinking tea, staying away from coffee. I’ve been reading books instead of endlessly scrolling. I’ve been taking my medicine and watering my plants. Feeding my animals and nurturing my soul. Loving endlessly with no goal.

I’ve been reminding myself that everything is alright. Day by day, hour by hour. I’m trying to eat more, workout, and relax in my showers. Not everything has to be a rush, take time to slow down and you’ll learn to fall in love. With the details of your mind, the cry’s from your body; you’ll listen more intently to your higher self leading you to grow more quickly.

I’ve been checking my ego, quieting my mind, and letting my heart speak. For if you move differently than this, the trouble you’ll find will occur indefinitely.

Here’s to new changes and loving yourself properly. Here’s to not stressing out periodically. Perfection isn’t possible, so stop worrying. Everything is a learning journey, an opportunity to know yourself more truly. You are perfect the way you are and every day you get better. Keep focusing on yourself and how to love others.

Blessed be ✨

[pennyinpaige]

It's been a year, It's been 9 hours

It's been awhile since I've seen your face the way I saw it the first time we rekindled.

It's been a mess since we were young.

I remember your face out on the playground, smiling at everyone. You remember sitting behind me, neither of us aware of what we'd become.

I missed you and I didn't even realize till all my loves taught me who I was. Til I went through years of pain and deterioration as they stripped me clean until I was left with no remembrance of why I used to be so happy. I rose with strength, building walls until I remembered who I was and who I am to be; until I realized what I needed and who didn't deserve to be close to me.

I met you, not when I was broken, but when I was stable, up high and my heart was filled with my ego. I was so sure of what was good for me and what I needed to let go. I met you with my walls that used to protect me. I met you when my mind was really out to get me. what used to keep me safe was now hindering my destiny. I met you when I realized I pushed anyone away for the tiniest thing that triggered my insecurities. I met you at the right time; The time I didn't know how much I really needed love and didn't understand what it truly was. I met you when I needed you.

You met me when your heart was open halfway. You met me when you were trying to let love come your way. You met me when you still had hope. You met me at the wrong time. I left you when you needed me the most.

I realized once you left how wrong I was, but it was too late; your heart was already closed. I screamed and yelled; thought about the times I used to punish myself. My walls hurt me, and I wanted to tear them down. The knife I used to use never looked against my skin so well. I raged and tore myself apart for how awful I felt. I wanted to hurt myself for the harsh ways I had dealt. Everything became quiet as my tears fell. I sat in silence and reassured myself. I am worthy, I am learning. I'm not who I used to be. I have grown and transcended; I can still create a new me.

It's been a year since you were my Thursdays. I had my Tuesdays, my everydays, my three days...but none were like you, Thursday. A day in which I thought I'd never return but something still settles in my heart, something that yearns.

It's been a year and sometimes I feel like you still don't want me. Whether you're waiting for something new or simply you just haven't got any clue of what to do. I've never waited for anyone but you. I broke your heart and now you might break mine; for I can never leave your side regardless of the signs. The thought of you makes my heart warm, but the thoughts I feel you have of me, sadden me to my core. I can never take back what I did, but we're all learning on how to live. How to love and reopen up. To love freely and deeply with someone you can trust. I don't know if you trust me, I highly doubt you do. You want to heal before you step into my room. And knowing you're scared of what I might do, makes me feel like I'll never be good enough for you.

It's been 9 hours and at times I feel like you will never miss this; like you will never regret walking away from me in an instance. It hurts me to stay when I know you might leave forever, but I wouldn't have it any other way, no matter the foggy weather. I have no idea what you'll do, who you'll choose, or who you will run to, but I hope it's me that you see next to you. When the sun rises and the moon sets, I hope it's me you want to talk to when you feel upset. I hope it's me you want to see when you've achieved everything you've ever wanted and dreamed. I hope it's me you visual yourself waking up to; someone who supports you in everything you do. If it's not me, that's okay too. You deserve to be loved and to feel safe in every room. Even if it's not me, I'll always have hope it's you.

It's been a year and 9 hours since I've truly seen you. The you, you once were when everything between us started new, before I hurt you. It's been a year and 9 hours, and I still want you. Every hour and every day. And if it doesn't work in this lifetime, I hope in the next one we find each other and choose to never stray.

[pennyinpaige]

If you’re here,

I hope you came with an open mind and an open heart. If you’re here I hope you read with the understanding that in this place, emotions fall at the capacity of the amount of stars. If you’re here, I hope you truly see the depth of what I feel in the dark. The thoughts I don’t speak out loud but let rest in my heart. If you’re here, I hope you take the variety of feelings with a grain of salt, but perceive every entry as a whole part.

I feel complete and know what I need; for what i write here are only little seeds. I love deeply, and I always have. I water my own garden because my plants have made their own path.

If you’re here, just know that this is another part of me. A part in which many don’t see. You are encouraged to read whatever you wish; for there are many things here that I have accomplished. Thought patterns and questioning existence. Deep emotions and confusing situations. Full vulnerability in explanations.

If you’re here, I hope you are to heal. To be inspired to kill everything you fear. Open and speak. Practice active listening and release your truth. Here is a safe space for all that you go through.

If you’re here, I welcome you to my place of thought, my place of healing, my perfect spot.

[pennyinpaige]

It's about time.

The year is coming to an end, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm losing track of time and the years before blend. I forget who I was and where I lived; Remembrance of the places I've been and the people I've spent time with. Only a few standout, but all I carry within. I have loved many times but only a couple times I had thought about closing off. Pulling my walls high and giving up. Crawling into myself, hoping to hide from my insecurities.

"People don't love me" "No one is for me"

Sometimes I wish I had never healed. Sometimes I wish I never rose as high as I did because no one told me how lonely this is. I think that people are scared once they start to understand me. They step in and see all that I am and do nothing but vanish.

Sometimes I want to leave. Be alone. I don't have to bear the feeling of people not seeing me as home. I don't have to risk the feelings of not being worthy enough to hold.

Sometimes I want to disappear so no one can see me. I want to hide and never be found because then it's my choice for others to not see me as solid ground. I know that I am worth so much and more but even when I'm visible, no one wants me around.

This year is coming to an end and next year I know where to begin. These past years I've learned to listen within. I've learned to put myself first and understand what I truly want. I've learned to love regardless of the cost. I've learned that not everything is on my terms and other peoples situations are something for me to learn. I've learned that no matter what I've felt, it costs nothing to give all I got. I've learned that if someone truly wanted me, they'd stay despite all my flaws. They'd want to be around me and trust all the things I've been taught.

Many people want me, but few have actually fought.

They say I'm perfect and it's never me. Yet, I read this differently; as It's never me and I fear it won't ever be. I try to be strong but I can only hold on for so long. I can fly, trust that I'm able. For even when I let go I'm stable. As lonely as it seems, I trust my own stream. I wade in waves and ascend into space. I fly through the clouds, sometimes never looking down. Yes, I have so much going on, but not enough to keep me from the one I want. Balance, they say, is a vital part from going astray. In my head and in my heart, I must stay. For it is the safest space. But not once will I raise my walls or close my heart; for my entire being is filled with love and art. An overflowing cup of grace and I will always be understanding of other people's pace.

It's near the end of the year and I might just cry one more time. To the loves that were never meant for me inside. I might just cry until I'm completely alone in a city where no one knows. I might just isolate until the people around me I’ll no longer see grow, completely new; for the ones that know me never think of me, as I do. I might just bury my face in books to read about others to forget myself for awhile. I'll live vicariously until I have my own new memory, as all my old ones just sit in a pile.

The new year is almost here, and I have no idea who I will be; but all I hope for is my abundance to continue. My light to shine brighter and my beauty to grow. My intelligence to rise beyond matters and connections to not be scattered. I wish to always be open and the love that’s for me to come forward.

Blessed be & peace.

[pennyinpaige]

Right or Wrong State of Mind

Good rising my fellow beings.

This is me near the ending of my attempted every day blogging quest. I started the February on here but in my journal I began with January. Writing every day has helped me immensely however I feel that each time I spent days and months without doing this, those times might have been the hardest for me. As of right now, I can't necessarily think of anything spectacular that had happened to me.

My year is in a blur and my memory is incredibly foggy. The one thing I can say is the lesson of Wrong or Right. There was a moment where I realized the distance and hesitancy I kept from anyone or anything was due to my fear of being Wrong or Right. I realized, spiritually, there is no wrong or right decision, there are just decisions. It still gives me anxiety thinking about making the "wrong" decision because I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. Any possibility of me being presented with the same lesson, stepping into it could make me feel like I have failed. I want to be right. I want to be connected. I want to prove to my Spirit Guides, God, Universe, Ancestors, Angels, that I am listening, I am connected, and I take their signs and help seriously.

However this fear of being wrong or right has kept me in the dark. It has kept me lonely. It has kept me from experiencing the depth of love that I have before in the past. This thought always presses in my mind, a form of reassurance if you will, that right now I am meant to be alone. Right now I am meant to put my energy into myself and in my path. I carry no extra time for relationships or deep love for anyone because I have so much going on for me right now.

My current path doesn't let me hold the love i'm looking for. The support, inspiration, and motivation I am wanting to seek from someone else. It is pushing me to give that to myself. How it would be nice to have my forever partner, but how it would be terrible if I were to continue seeking attention that derails me from my home path.

There is no Right or Wrong decision. There are just decisions. The decision you make cleanses the air so you can see where you really are. You would have no fear if you were well connected to your intuition, your divine team. Emotions are emotions, happy, sad, lonely, passionate, but the emotion of fear shows lack of trust within Spirit and most importantly yourself. I always would said free fall into your decisions. Dive deep into the depths of your subconscious, find your path by trusting your wings. Yet there is a difference in doing so than waiting for the the thing that feels most right. Waiting doesn't mean you don't trust your wings. Waiting means you are conserving your energy for the most important flight your soul needs.

Trust that everything happens for a reason, even the contemplation of all things. Stepping up into a higher realm, a different form of frequency is necessary. And when doing so I am scared to fall back into my old frequencies. I should have no fear for if i fall back into the old swing of things, it doesn't mean I am weak, it just means I need to tinker more with a few things. It doesn't mean I am not worthy, because I have everything that I need to succeed, my attention is just lacking on other things that could help me reach my destiny.

So for now I am submersed into my entire being. I am back to writing every morning and night to keep track of where I am and remember where I need to be.

With love,

Blessed be & Peace

[pennyinpaige]

Good Evening,

It's the night of the New Moon and as it washes away it's last phase, I too dive deep and release all that I was carrying. I turn transparent, am nothing but the world around me. i find my place and let go of all that I once saw it to be. I remember my inner child, my imagination, creativity. Dancing in circles through life with my arms up trusting that the frequency I fought hard to be in, is as safe as my authenticity.

Bring to me what is for me and drive away all that is hindering me. I understand it is not what I want that I may need. Let me thrive in the energy of just being. Feeling always like I have something to say, a notion of how I should feel. I now want to create silence and enjoy my little world; Spinning around me as my eyes are closed and my ears are open yet my body feels the movement of my environment.

I listen, I see, I feel, and I know; for I trust.

Keep on keepin on. Pay attention to what's around you and why it is there. Release and let go of what no longer serves you with this New Moon. Set your intentions for creating a new you, a new reality, a new space, where you can breath without all the unnecessary things hindering who you are to be.

Practicing opening my heart this month and falling back in love with Love. Savoring Life as it should be.

Peace and Blessed Be.

[pennyinpaige]

Some things are harder to do than other things. Fear of conflict, negative energy; a surge of peoples perceptions and comments crashing over you. Choosing to be the wet sand instead of the dry puts you in constant contact with consciousness. Thoughts will be thought and judgments will be derived. There is no escaping, so why hide?

Passerby's feel the wet sand underneath their feet. Some will crouch into my existence picking up shells of knowledge while some will disapprove of what the ocean is giving and find a different beach. Some will lay in the dry sand, elbows and toes hiding under the land, relaxed and choosing to watch everything from afar and that too is alright with me.

The ocean can't control how it will be perceived. It gives what it naturally can and if it is chosen, then it is chosen. If one wants to submerge in their existence they must be ready to endure what knowledge and shadows will occur.

To understand the sun, you must dive in the dark waters. To understand how to float, you must let yourself sink. To understand your purpose, you must give up everything. Become all things. Become the sand, the water, the sky. Become the people and understand their "Why's?"

Realize you are everything. Once you understand that, you know why your waves crash the way they do. You know why certain shells are buried deep underneath your shoes. You feel all the people around you and become aware of their chosen distance. And soon enough you begin to feel your entire existence.

I am laying in the dry sand, observing myself from afar. I am walking along side the water, analyzing the intricacies of me. I am floating, letting my waves move this body. Becoming one helps me begin to define me.

A part of me is a part of you. Trying to understand why? Only some will do.

Blessed Be and Peace

[pennyinpaige]

Well Good Evening,

I don't know if i'll be able to begin to explain how I am feeling so maybe I will just describe it.

The top of my head feels heavy and my eyes water from yawning. My left upper arm is aching and there is a sharp pain in the middle of my spine. I feel this pain near my left breast and my right ankle will soon fall asleep from my body sitting on it. I have eaten well and drank different drinks but my energy feels obsolete. I feel a slight breeze on my right thigh and I wish to be laying down but i am curled up in my computer chair releasing my mind.

It's the beginning of the week, a very important one actually. I am soon to leave this place and not come back for a month.

Where has my mind been since yesterday? That I do not know, however I knew it was missing immediately rather than not realizing it was gone. Progress is progress my dears and maybe I just needed more sleep last night and to take it easy today.

What do I need to do today so that tomorrow I will have my mind and remind it not to wander so far that I lose sight of it. Like a kid, I let my eyes leave it for 5 seconds and it's gone. You have me searching for you, knowing I need you for tomorrow. Come back to me so that we may again find our peace.

Be Easy and Blessed Be

Peace

[pennyinpaige]

"Your Universe is Hard to Explore"

Hello and Good Rising.

Last night my body kept on my bed, for my voice was preoccupied with another. Staying guided toward my truth and acknowledging where I am through others will only keep the ones who are meant to stay around. For being honest whilst always putting yourself first is what is best for everyone around you. Why would you want to stay with someone or something out of guilt, anger, insecurity, or any other low frequency. Holding onto to something which is not yours can keep both of you from your higher purpose. Unconditional love is letting everyone around you choose for their own. It does not hold, beg, or manipulate, it simply lets the other person choose where they want to go after you explain the life you live, the way you see, and what your love means. Keep every door open and do not make others close theirs.

He said " Your Universe is hard to explore" and I couldn't agree more. The way this simple line started to make my eyes mist making me feel seen, heard, and recognized for the work I have done and how deep I have gone in my spirituality: Remembering how lonely sometimes it could feel. Although I know I am not alone but rather I have yet to find those who initially understand the Universe that I am in. I have yet come to a connection where I have not had to explain my world in detail. All the steps I had taken are now visible to me again and I kiss the grass where it has grown before me and I thank my eyes for trusting the stars that guided me. I am truly grateful for my Universe and the ability and impact it can have for other people to explore as it is exciting to explore theirs. For at the end all we want is to feel genuinely connected and understood in our own worlds before we fall asleep.

The importance of following your feelings is the strongest form of love you can give to yourself and to others. Let them feel the stages of emotions so they may understand the lesson and see their true path. For if I choose you, know that I choose you one hundred percent. I choose you because I feel guided to choose you. But if I feel pulled to walk in another direction, know that I will immediately follow that path for I trust my intuition and I trust my instincts. I will never stay if I have to contemplate and I will never stay to play if I'm meant to stray. Know If I love you, you have my time and energy and you are special to me. Know that I do not do anything that I don't want to do and I don't say anything that I don't truly mean.

My capacity of love has no bounds for I am detached. Detached from expectations, from trying to guess or foresee the future, detached from controlling the situation to suit me best. For I don't know what lies ahead so how do I know whats good for me? I listen and I feel in the present and that's how I move ahead. I keep my arms against my thighs and my wrists resting on my knees and I do not move for God moves me.

If what resonated with me once does not anymore, it has served it's highest purpose for me. Regardless of the pain and sadness the other person may feel from you walking away, you know and understand that those feelings are temporary and perhaps a lesson on genuine love for self and others for them. See, when you are aware of Life and all the little meanings, when you see the lessons that are occurring for you and for others, it is easy for you to leave but can be hard for them to understand if they do not see it as well. They may see you as the bad guy, the heartless, as toxic, and that's okay... in the future they will thank you for not wasting their time and respecting their feelings. What they didn't initially see when you walked away, they will see and be grateful for down the line. You holding onto them... will keep them from who they are supposed to be with next and maybe forever. Keeping them from growing into their full potential and being loved the best way they could.

Keep Exploring and Blessed Be

Peace

[pennyinpaige]

Hello and Good Rising!

The sun so far has been hopeful and positive, but my mother worries like the shadow side of the moon. The night fills her head with worst case scenarios and she speaks of fear and anxiety throughout the day but the sun helps me bloom. The love I have for the world is defined within my soul but from those who don't understand worry for my well-being. They're scared I will get lost, stolen, or be in the depths of despair as I travel through and live on all the lands. As my heart yearns for many eyes to be made visible towards the interconnection through all human beings, my mind is tapped into the essence of my purpose. My heart transcends through knowledge of cultures, living through every one else's everyday life, observing their minds and listening gracefully. Analyzing where they are at mentally and emotionally and connecting that to their physicality.

I feel pulled to understand and guide. Ask questions that can open their mind. Their perception of themselves that maybe they didn't see before as they can offer me likewise. Through watching my surroundings and touching the earth underneath their feet, my mind expands further intensifying the love stimulated from it's full capacity. Sleeping under the same moon but within their home. Seeing and feeling something other than what my country owns. Pushing me to transcend in ways I couldn't if I decided to stay. So I leave and keep my every day at bay.

I don't leave often for I am not running from anything but rather running to everything. I'll arrive back home and sit under the sun next to my tree. I'll arrive back home and let the moon paint my face and answer my minds plea. I come back to the place where I always sleep to collect my thoughts and reestablish all forms of humanity, indefinite information that was made available to me. I pull the time of the past and fill my body with it temporarily. Let it caress my body and fee my soul presently. It energizes my gratuity and reflects all the memories. This is what guides me to the next lead, transcending my spirituality.

With birds that fly high and butterflies that migrate; Fish that swim in deep oceans and ants that create their paths; I am nature. Through fears or ambition, I trust the wings the Universe gave to me. I trust the light my Angels use to guide me. I trust my Ancestors and the courage they give me. I trust God for he is inside all of us and I am nourished. I feed, water, and listen to him and he grows inside me.

My mothers shadows skew her view of my souls power. The quest of my purpose in life that I choose to endure rises concern from a familial love but perhaps showcases a deep seed that's rooted into a lack of trust. I will ease generational fear by being an example of what is possible when you truly let go. When you relax your hands and quiet your mind, you hear everything, you see everything. Let me show them the starred footprints I'll leave behind, as they are not scared for me but perhaps scared of what they couldn't be.

Water Yourself & Blessed Be

Peace

[pennyinpaige]

Hello and Good Evening

It is fairly late as the clock wears 10 pm, quite nicely might I add. It has been a bit of a sleepy day, as work was not written for me to partake. My day consisted of starting productive things to only find myself sleepy. My focus could not maintain and my body told me why. It is not a matter for me to question and interrogate intensely on why I feel the way that I feel. Sometimes it is just because my eyes wish to take this day that was given to rest, and I will do just that.

I am proud of myself for eating today and drinking more water than usual. As this would be Day number two where I am habitually practicing to stay present and slow down. Listen to my body, what does it need? To do everything and be in it fully. When eating the food I made I chew slowly savoring every flavor, feeling the gratitude I have for the food I eat as well as for myself for feeding me healthy things. I listen to the voice that says go get water and I stop what I am currently doing and I go get water. I stray from multitasking because that gives a false sense of productivity. What did I actually learn if I were to paint my nails while watching a video on the analysis of Moby Dick? Only then if I did these things separate would I be able to fully feel the nourishment I am putting into myself.

For everyone, it is different. For me, I give love to one thing at a time to focus on how to fall in love with everything I touch, every action I partake in, and everyone I love. The purest and most genuine love can be found through undivided attention. Give your all or don't give at all. Don't do yourself an disservice by spreading yourself to thin. You need time and space? Give yourself time and space. You're ready to give outside of you, make sure you have enough on the inside, because if you do it from a place of good intention you will be giving because your cup is full. Knowing you are immensely abundant to the point where you are not worried what you are to get back, for it does not matter. You have enough. Give your all or don't give at all. Wait until you do. Be selfish, for that's the first step to become a waterfall.

Sleep Well and Blessed Be.

Peace