paloma-writes-about-hellfire - Tumblr blog

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

I like your writingggggg!!!!!!

omg thank you that’s so kind 🫶🏽

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-simple syrup, september 1st 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

i ate breakfast and lunch today… it’s pretty fucked up that i find both of those things terrifying. but i did it. i’m so scared that i’ll never be able to see any kind of food as anything but a number ever again.

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

anything but just "I love you"

I want to love you.

I think I can love you?

Let me love you.

I loved you.

I would love you.

I can try to love you.

I used to know how to love you (I don't anymore)

I still love you.

Do you love me?

Can you try to love me?

I can't stop loving you.

Let me try to love you.

I think I can love you.

I think I can try (to love you).

Do you still love me?

Did you ever love me?

I don't think I could ever love you.

Don't let me love you.

I gave up (loving you).

You made me love you.

I've always loved you (but I can't anymore).

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

🌹🌹🌹

As children, we are taught that we need only to do our best and that will be enough; but what happens when your best is never enough?

"She’s hard on herself so that other people don’t have the chance to be; she tries to desensitize herself to the bastards, but in the end she just gets hurt twice as much,” sighs Charlie.

Liv is filled with nostalgia; these have always been her favourite kind of morning, and she can almost see a phantom of her child self, racing ahead of Daniella and skipping among the leaves.

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

for every "🌹" received in my inbox i'll post one random sentence of a random WIP i'm currently writing

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-clean, august 23rd, 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-friends, august 23rd, 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

i feel like none of my friends actually enjoy being around me, even though logically i know they do. i feel so numb and empty and lonely. and i don’t even know why.

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-adhd, august 21st 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-human heart, august 20th 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-dull, july 16 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-dysmorphia, july 17th, 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

i wish people understood that my anorexia was never about my weight. when i talk to my friends, they tell me, “no, you’re so pretty!” or “you know you’re not fat, right?” or “you’re beautiful just the way you are!” and i know. i know i'm not fat and i know im pretty and i know that bmi is bullshit and i know nothing matters. 

it’s not about the weight. dysmorphia is pretty good at convincing you that you’re ugly, that you look kind of off, that you should obsess until it’s almost all you think about, but most of the time i know it doesn’t make sense. and sometimes that’s the most frustrating part.

also, most of it isn’t just “not eating.”

it’s, “i mean, yeah, i have a problem, but it’s not that bad. not compared to her.”

it’s constantly thinking about food, planning your meals and waiting for your next one.

it’s the anxiety of “what if they offer me food?” and “what did they put in it?”

it’s the paranoia of “ohmygodithinktheyknow”.

it’s suddenly becoming aware of your existence, of the fact that other people see and perceive you.

it’s crying yourself to sleep because why can’t i just be normal and have a good relationship with food.

it’s constantly comparing yourself to others—portion sizes, looks, everything.

it’s the guilt, always guilt, because if i didn’t eat today, i’m letting down the people who are counting on me to recover, but if i did, holy shit i’m gonna gain, i’m so out of control, i’m over my limit should i purge what do i do!!!

it’s being tired and dizzy and cold, constantly, nearly blacking out when i stand but i can’t comment or they’ll know i’m getting worse again. 

it’s having good days and eating breakfast and looking in the mirror and going “huh, i look kind of pretty today”, before the pit of dread in my stomach whispers that it’s only temporary.

it’s the knowledge that even if i kill the voices in my head, they’ll always haunt me no matter what. sometimes i can make them quieter but they’ll never go away for sure.

it’s being so tired of always being on guard, having to hide how little i eat, lying, “no thanks, i’m full” “yes i had breakfast” “i feel fine” “sorry, i don’t like potatoes… yeah, i know, crazy!”

mostly it’s the loneliness. the sheer loneliness of knowing that when i talk to my friends about it, they’ll never understand, they’ll keep saying, “but you’re a healthy weight?” “you’re so pretty i don’t understand why you don’t see it” “you’re perfect the way you are” but they don’t understand that i’m sick of being perfect.

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

OMG I JUST REALIZED THAT I SPELT MEMORIES WRONG 😭😭😭

-Look at Me, august 22nd 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-Look at Me, august 22nd 2024

[paloma-writes-about-hellfire]

-water, august 16th 2024