nyasha-muganiwa

[nyasha-muganiwa]

<♡♡●♡♡>

i fall in love easily. be it your pretty bright eyes or your dark mysterious character, i find myself being drawn to you every single time. you mostly seem to hate me at our first encounter. whether i accidentally bumped into you or spilled coffee all over your shirt, we always seem to lock eyes even if it's for a second too long. yes it's our first time meeting but deep down the connection screams fate, like we've met multiple times before. something deep down tells me we've been in the same place at the same time more than once. but we don't know that right now. we're focused on each other's eyes. the next few meetings are what some call coincidences. we so happen to be in the same friend group, someone you know knows someone i know. or the same workspace, you so happen to be my boss, and right then and there we're sure the universe has something to do with this. then we strangely get to know each other's habits, like how i saved you one time since you're still dealing with the trauma, or how you found out i'm claustrophobic and calmed me down in the elevator when i was panicking and literally about to die. our lives are woven into each other, like how our hands tend to touch sometimes. the spark causes us to stare deeply at each other, deep down we know there's something, but we always need that extra push. your ex-girlfriend maybe, or how your best friend spends way too much time with me. then of course you get drunk or, into fights, but you always find your way home to me. and just like that i'm yours and you're mine. but your parents don't approve of course, you're meant to be with someone else. the waves and wind crash against each other and the storms become unbearable. we take a little break but we both know we can't live without each other, so you pull out the l-card and all of a sudden we're conquering the world. love wins all. would it be too much if i got into an accident, lost my memory maybe. but the end of the story is you and me loving each other, holding on to the memories we have, and cherishing those to come. look at me and understand....i spend too much time imagining what it would be like if you existed.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

~☆▪︎☆~

i push the hoodie over my head and it instinctively covers half my face. i've gotten so used to the stares and curious glances. i shove my hands deeper into my pockets, balling them a little too tight. as if ready to start a fight. i've gotten used to the thin-skinned, edgy aura. this girl looks a lot like a version of us all. dark and emo, all that's missing is the thick eyeliner and a few tattoos and she'd be said to be going through her phases. life isn't isn't always unpredictable. sometimes what you see is really what you get. and maybe i am what you think i am. cryptic, mystic, cold. maybe she wasn't always like this. maybe this version of her was made. and maybe somewhere deep inside this hollow heart is a little girl screaming for help. i shove the hoodie on and the ball my fists, adjusting her walls. maybe all she wants is a little hammer. one that could destroy those walls. maybe she doesn't like walls. maybe i'm not a wall person. maybe she wants to be free like everyone else. i push the hoodie over my head again and again, day in and out, i look at myself watching other people look at me. look at me and understand...you might understand and you might not.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

■♡♡♡■

let's just say it started pretty simple. quick side glances, small smiles and the very mention of your name sweet like honey on the tongue. you'd get called out in the crowd and my eyes would instinctively catch the first glimpse of you. searching for you. where are you. who's calling you. why. just the thought of you brought butterflies in the belly. they would be flying so wild i was afraid once that they'd escape if i ever opened my mouth. if i ever talked to you. okay, not a lot of people know this, but i can be pretty shy sometimes. if my cheeks were traitors, which thankfully they are not, you'd see the coloured evidence. but i've tried and tried and nothing seems to be able to stop that sparkle in my eye. it's a small light from the fire within. i wonder. how can one person drive me insane. okay, sure i already was and maybe it's not fully you but seriously and genuinely in the fact that before you, i couldn't feel. numb and cold, really, that's all i knew. but now i'm a big fan of warm. i like this, i like us like this. and maybe one day i'll master up the courage to say, hey. look at me and understand...i think the first days were always my favourite.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

<○■~■○>

the unexpected change in the sky is fascinating. the dark clouds assemble together like troops, and rumble intimidatingly as they grow in numbers. the wide sky now like paper, makes a sort of tearing up sound before the rumble. and the lightning, well it flashes like a torch in a dark forest, a source of relief for the man who's lost his way in the woods. when she was just a girl, she always seemed to fear storms. she found them rude and hostile, an annihilator of peace. at the sound of the rumble and at the flash of lightning, she'd swear her soul would leave her body a few times. yet here she was many little years later. her body looked a little different now, but inside was that same little girl. sure now she wouldn't jump at the sight of flashes but still deep inside she detested storms the same. the new ones too. words especially. they were a bigger rival because they'd swirl and turn around in her mind like a tornado. she didn't have to wait for the sky to alert and scare her this time. it all lived inside her now. look at me and understand...i crave a beautiful blue sky.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

×♡:♡×

i could describe myself as the sky up above and my thoughts as the clouds lingering close by. behind that dark grey, sometimes white, is a beautiful blue sky. but you can't see that blue sky without going through the grey first. my overthinking, my over analysing, my over questioning. i can hardly think straight, see straight, because of all those thoughts. you could walk in on a white horse, carrying a bouquet of my favourite flowers, with my favourite song playing in the background. the scene would be so beautiful but i'd still look at the poor horse and tell you how unfair you're treating it. i'd tell you you're a murderer for taking those flowers from their home and i'd know for a fact that that song wasn't written for me, but for a prettier girl. maybe you'd like her better. so as the clouds continue to darken and i hear the rumbling nearby, i hold back my tears, and watch from afar. dumbstruck, deep in shock. i wish you could see my colour. my blue. look at me and understand...i and only i come between us and the happy ending.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

::::¤¤::::

my heart is the beat to the song sung in my mind. the words are wounding and have a sour effect on the listener. the beat is catchy and the lyrics are snappy, so it is easy to sing along, even though it leaves behind that bitter taste. no matter how hard i try to halt it, the song stays on replay, so much that the words and the beat are merged into one and are far engraved into the soul. the words are cruel, shameful, too bad to repeat out loud. but i memorised them well and know them by heart.  each and every beat is a reminder of the foul thoughts that grow from within. i wonder who made the tune. i'm curious as to what inspired the piece. it plays non-stop. i desire for it to end. and with it, all the agony. look at me and understand...that silence would be worth more than gold to me.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

^☆■☆^

the sound of laughter fills the air. a drop of water into a dry, empty cup. even with a heavy, hollow heart, i feel the joy around like peace in the meadow. because even in this silent wilderness, as i walk aimlessly feeling no purpose at all, that breeze-like peace brings little joy to my heart. that drop of life in this empty heart serves as some sort of comfort and hold in me. so much that even when the feelings begin to breakthrough i hold my head high and remember the pain that they always bring, and so i shut them out and move forward. through the green pastures or the pitch dark valleys, everything is the same really. so even with the sound of laughter that fills the air, flying through the breeze and landing softly in my heart. i feel empty still, but that sound. that hope. look at me and understand...if i can't find peace in me, then maybe i can in you.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

{♡☆♡}

she is a beautiful soul. a strong tree. it's like she was planted in the centre of a dry garden. the hot breeze blows and the dust swirls around. but she grows. the sun pounds down hard and even when the water lessens more and more, but she continues to grow. with every insult and complication, every difficult moment and dry season she grows and matures the more it gets tough. her heart is her power source, so wide and endless that it on its own is the greatest mystery. she pumps her love into the garden, growing more and more with every beat. she allows the little flowers to depen on her. she is all i know. so i'm strong, i'm well, i'm alive because i lean on that heart, that tree. look at me and understand....that heart, that tree, that's my mom.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

●~♧

maybe the clouds and the trees and the flowers love looking at you too. maybe they love how soft and fluffy you look from afar. and how you seem to change colour whenever the sun shines at different angles on you. or how your mood switches some times when you're happy, angry, sad or confused. maybe it smiles down and wishes it too could keep a picture or two of you too, with you. maybe they love how the wind blows softly on you as you stand tall and majestic. and how you tend to shake a little when the breeze gets extra strong. or how your whooshing and rustling seem to be song like from time to time. maybe it too smiles and wishes to join in on your lovely nostalgic tune. maybe they love how good you smell. and how your scent seems to linger in the air for a while when you pass by. or how you're clothed in such beautiful colours, it's hard to pick just one favourite. maybe the clouds and the trees and the flowers love looking at you too. look at me and understand...maybe it's just me, or maybe i never walk alone.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

*◇●◇*

when the sun dims down and the heat grows low, i'll think a special thought. when the memories resurface and a small smile forms, i'll call out to you. when the green grass fades and my mind's in a state, i'll let all the questions flood in. when the blue sky's grey and the moon comes to stay, i'll make my bed and wait. with my feet planted down and hands stretched wide, i'll search and search and search. when my smiles start to twitch and i'm losing my cool, my face will grow pale. when my laughs die down and my head's in the clouds, i'll come to a deep conclusion. when my words silent away and my heart grows numb, i'll know i tried my best. look at me and understand...for now, you've got the best of me.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

○□°:°■●

at my last breath, may i sigh a deep request. may i look longingly at the sky above, and feel the hardness of the ground below. may my toes feel the warmth off of each other, and my fingers graze softly upon the breeze. may my arms stretch further than before, and my legs lead me into the unknown. may my stomach shyly shove away the butterflies, and my insides turn out. may my ears focus on that familiar voice, and my nose seek that very scent. may my mind project all the memories from as far back as it can, and my heart draw in those of near and now. may i be by you, and you with i. even in these parting times, let's be alright. look at me and understand...my last breath is my goodbye note to you.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

~¤▪︎¤~

     -

i wanted to see magic, so the fairy transformed itself into the pouring rain. for a second i stood, stunned and staring deeply at nothing in particular. trying hard to process the missing pieces i must've skipped. my mind malfunctioned and my body stood still, both confused and questioning what had just transpired, but my heart. it knew the answer. it understood why. it wasn't blinded by logic and human understanding. it followed its own path and used eyes different from the ones we're used to. it was gentle, quiet and, pure. so as the rain poured slowly, the fairy whispering with each cold droplet. i became what i wanted, i saw magic. look at me and understand...it's an illusion only when you choose not to see it.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

/□\■/○\●/

and as the days turned to years. i watched myself swim further in. the tides and waves grew more dominant, but i was adamant, certain that i could move forward. i gasped and coughed, but still holding on to my anchor, which is hope, even as i got pushed further down and felt unable to breathe. i let my guard down for a moment, allowing my eyes to wander around me, curious of my progress in life. yet alas, i let out a cry, or was it a small laugh. i had raced and fought through the waves, just to register that i'd been where i've always been. the storms kept rising, taking different forms, attacking me at every opportunity. i looked around to see familiar surroundings. faces that haunted my days. noises that spooked my nights. i loath it here. after all the pain, and all the struggle, i have nothing to show of it. my very own civil war. what else have i misinterpreted. what else will surprise me. at this point, i hold on only to that anchor. look at me and understand...i fight through the waves of the tears i cry.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

♤■♤□♤

it was when life was hardest, the days darkest, the love invisible and my heart empty that i questioned the beauty of life. in that very moment, sorrow took its chance and forced me to relive, again and again, the mirrored days that had no intention of changing. even with a different mindset, a different drive and perspective arising in me with each sunrise, i looked the same as i did before and felt no better. the pages of life flipping and switching. each breath blowing on them greatly, mercilessly, eager to watch the seeds of pain grow quickly in me. time became the water they needed to grow. the mocking from those surrounding me being their sun shine. and my thoughts became the good soil. always ready to receive any comments, negativity, blew my way. from far and wide, all the same. all with one intention. to prove that life is sorrowful. unfair. lacking in beauty. what a sad reality that is. everything is the same, all days mirrored. and every moment pushing me into a continuous dark hole. look at me and understand...it was when life was hardest, the days darkest, the love invisible and my heart empty that i thought hard, it is indeed a beautiful life. right.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

□▪︎■▪︎□

people are like water, and water can be very deceiving. you can only work with what you can see, what you're given. people are that bright blue that looks intimidating from afar, yet very captivating. it compels you to it so much that you're blinded by the idea of only being near it, a part of it. people are convincing, the more they draw you closer the more they convince you to stay. creating a home in them, in the blue. but the closer we dive in the more we realise that the bright blue beauty is nothing but a suffocating illusion. people create images of what they want to be and make sure to draw you close. keep you close. it's only when you are close that they let their guard down. people take off that blue mask and show their true colour. no colour at all. look at me and understand...people are water.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

●°♡°●

the scent of the distance can be lovely isn't it. the view was so far off that it was further than the eye could see. but she would stand and stare. some concluded she was delusional, some swore she was imagining things, while others were sure it was all just a dream. a figment of her imagination, but she still squinted her eyes as far down as she could. mastering the arts of staring long and hard into the unknown. and because all her senses were quick to feel alive, she felt them communicate. deep in discussion. she could smell the story her eyes told and could even taste the winds that touched her cheeks. comforting her. the scent of hope was like a soft rain upon her hilltop, perfumed straight from heaven. she longed so very much to take that final step and taste what her eyes pictured. even the lingering smell seemed to torture her as she waited in anticipation. some times desperate and in other times hopeless. but she stood still, yearning for what would come. because even though she hadn't seen it all yet, and didn't quite hold the assurance to back the claim, she held on to one special promise. she would be okay. look at me and understand...she is you and i in pursuit of the light found in tomorrow.

[nyasha-muganiwa]

♧♧♧

the night and storm conversed on a stormy night. one asked the other, why pick my time to display your rainy wrath. already my darkness intimidates even the bravest of men, causing them all to flee as soon as they can. seeking shelter and shutting their eyes so as to avoid facing me. they'd rather be transported to different dimensions, unknown places, and see things they'll forget within minutes of awakening. they'd rather do all this than be in contact with me. so you decide. in your scary state, flashing and roaring in anger do you not notice that there's nothing but silence surrounding us. who are you trying to frighten. no one is here but you, me and eavesdropping clouds. the pressure and noise you make is exasperating. keep it down...the other replied in a loud voice turning to the dark night sky and said, not to patronise you but i cannot hear you. speak a little louder. look at me and understand...sometimes talking to people is no better than talking to a wall.