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I've done it for almost 23 years..

Staying alive i mean

Like..

I literally don't know how to handle this all a little longer......

:(

I can't

I just can't anymore

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I wanna kill myself so bad...

My bf is asleep and he literally wouldnt notice

I just cant anymore

Im done

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Making some dinner <3

I actually hate the smell, but love the effects + on amnesia I never binge or smthn

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HAHAH omg I just remembered being so so extremely mad at my GP for diagnosing me with ana. Hahah when I look at it now it really is sooo typical that I found myself way too fat for that diagnosis. I was like "nope.. you're wrong". To the freakin doctor!! Hahah and she was like: yeh this is what someone with ana would say and beside that you're underweight and you also meet the other criteria for the diagnosis and I genuinely tried to convince her that she was wrong because I "looked" fat and that body fat counted way more than weight only.. Hahah I really was a clown when I was 19. But know that the thing that took the most time in therapy for my ed was believing that my ed was "bad enough" and realizing that I needed and deserved help. I hope that one day we all gonna see how bad it was/is, because taking it/yourself serious is so important! Please just remember that it's such an ill thing to think that you're "not sick enough" like.. BRUH hahah. But I only can see this now (I'm like 90% recovered, just in my cute lil silly 10% era now)

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I can tell something happened inside my brain because all of the sudden I've an obsession with staring at skinny peoples leggs on the street and find Eli from to the bone kinda fat...

I also unlocked a lot of memories from the period where I was deep in my ed. Like all of the sudden I just remember something I did/saw/hear back then. Like.. why exactly since a few days ago? What happened? I don't remember doing anything different or something, but I swear this is def not how my brain functioned a week ago.

Is this what a relapse can look like? Because ofc I often relapsed, but always in a slow way, never so suddenly.. I'm confused, but more than okay with it :)

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I really struggle lately because I don't have a clear goal for myself. Yes I want to be skinny as hell, but I also want to graduate and have energy to do fun things and don't get depressed again. I go to the gym 2 -3 times a week and I love feeling strong and have some muscle mass, but at the same time I miss how I looked when I was underweight... Also I live togheter with my boyfriend and he keeps an eye on me and still doesn't let me do what I want around food/exercise/weighing. He just doesn't want me to relapse and I understand that, but it's so hard to lose even a bit weight with someone like him being almost constantly around. It so hard, there are so many choices and whatever I decide, feels wrong in some way.. Right now I just do whatever I think is best, but I guess that won't get me anywhere.... :'(

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Height: 168 cm (5.5 ft)

SW: 68.9 kg (152 lbs)

CW: 68.2 kg (150 lbs)

GW 1: 65 kg (143 lbs)

GW 2: 60 kg (132 lbs)

GW 3: 55 kg (121)

I haven't set an UGW, because I have to take small steps to keep as motivated as possible. Also I personally believe that an UGW doesn't exist, because you can never be too small right? For now I first have to do a lot, lot, lot of work before I'm getting even a little close to being underweight, like I was before therapy 3 years ago...

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Ehm hey,

Things went a bit wrong in terms of taking care of myself. But I'm still alive so thought an update couldn't do much wrong.

I'm so so busy lately, but that'll only help me more with losing weight <3

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Hey

It's been a very long time since my last time on Tumblr.

The last few years I was in therapy for many different things, only to realize now that Tumblr is the best therapy for me.

So I'm back.

First of all a little indroduction: I'm a 22 yo dutch girl and I'm in my last year of school.

For now I'm in a complicated relationship with my ed, but we'll see what's gonna happen right?

I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow morning so that I've a new sw and I will try to not kill myself afterwards.

Much live laugh love from me