notes-23

[notes-23]

I miss you

I do not know you

I do not know how you really feel in a crowd

I am not there to comfort you in the moments of sadness and despair

I don't know how to make you laugh

I can distract you, I can make you feel indifferent

I do not know you

What makes you tick? What you know think of you? Of me? Who are you?

I do not know my own reflection

Who am I?

[notes-23]

Oftentimes I find myself looking up at the sky.

A sky full of smog yet I know what’s beyond.

I squint and I try with all my eyes might, but the sky doesn’t bend.

The marks we’ve made stand firm and unmoving.

I cannot see the stars I know

I cannot see the goal I was taught to shoot for.

But I know they are there

I trust they exist

Just out of my reach

The stars, I’ve seen once, so dazzling, dancing at the edge of our mess.

At again tonight I find myself searching

Aching for a glimpse

I look up at the sky, a dark black abyss,

And I feel a sudden kinship

With these unseen delights

I too feel myself floating, just here unwitnessed

I feel myself dazzling but the smog always creeps in

It covers and tells me I’m better left dim.

I’m tired of smog

The stars told me tonight, they now call me friend

They’ve told me their secret

My light comes from within

And i'm writing this out and i'm telling myself this is it

Im changing my ways

Tomorrow I'll wake up a whole new me. but I know who I am. I know I'm afraid. I know I'll always be the one in my way, how do I do it?

Is this just who I am? I want to be better

I don’t know if I can

I wish someone would tell me what cheat code they used. I look in the mirror, I study myself. I don’t understand any of this. i'm a person? A human. My life creates a ripple? I'm just a character. I'm not real. None of this is real. Because we die. We die and then what? Eventually we are all dead. So I truly just do not see a point to any of this. and that’s my problem. I cannot be bothered to think of this life in the short term. I'm fully on auto pilot. Well 90% autopilot. I do want to have a roof and food, and fun. Life is literally nothing without fun. And yeah, the stars shine if I see them or not but also, they are stars. We can get metaphorical all we want but they are just stars. Balls of gas. Why do I have to experience life? I don’t want to be a person. This shit awful, are you kidding me? and like what's up with people being too scared to take drastic measures. Like oh my god we’re so worried about if someone likes us back, am I doing a good job, can I pay my bills?

Why the fuck do we have bills? Okay we need to charge for the services because these necessities require human labor, so we pay taxes so that they use the money we all donate to better society to make these services available, but they don’t use the money to do what we want? Only they do use it to do “what we want” but those things don’t better society, they fatten their pockets? Because so many people think that more black and brown people in a variety of fields is more of a detriment to humanity, more than I don’t know, not educating our children? Is it not within our constitutional rights to BURN the bitch down if it no longer serves us? I thought we were American. True American culture and belief is standing up for what is wrong. It's fighting back. yes, that can be done with activism but god at a certain point someone’s got to shoot the damn gun. This is a rant that will likely never see the light of day because who wants to listen to the ramblings of some random dude on the internet, but I feel like it's time the guillotine makes its comeback. The one percent has been too comfy for too long. This country is so young, we were bound to have a dictator some time, and with that comes the need for violence. There is no world in which we eradicate violence, it is a fact of nature. The difference is we tune into the discovery channel and watch as a lion is born, the runt of the pride, and we cheer for him as he overtakes the old bully of a leader. But we jail and condemn humans, born into unfortunate circumstance, when they strike back or try to make the system work for them. We scream “treason” when someone says those who represent us no longer represent Us. We love to look back on the American revolution and claim it as an act of pride. But here you are at our turning point. And you don a red hat and lick the cyber boots of those who would trade your entire family for a few bucks. Those who may not be coming for you now but will be one day. You are so blinded by your hatred and fear of what you don’t understand that you celebrate trans people being treated like animals, unaware that you are the next to be placed in the pin.  And again, none of these matters. We’re all dust in the end. We’ll all one day become stars, never to be seen by man.

[notes-23]

Bless the language of the Heart

For none can speak her tongue

Even the Brain who tries their best

Most often gets it wrong

The Heart cries out with all her might

My throat catches on her song

Brain tries to bring the gap for her

But the essence's just too strong

So it all comes out in just three words

I know are not enough

Even now I struggle still

To wrap this whole thing up

[notes-23]

Rapture

They say Jesus died for our sins

But one day he’d return

And take with him the saints

Leaving sinners to burn

And so man covered himself

In halos and lies

They twisted the words

Meant simply to guide

Man expected salvation

From the damage they caused

They took Earth to her grave

Thinking their own souls not lost

The shock on their face, you wouldn’t believe

When they saw Jesus came back

In the form of a bee

They cried and they begged

All fell to their knees

“We followed your word! Take us up like you said!”

But Jesus flew by, shaking his tiny head

“I said I’d be back to save the saints from your sin.”

“I never said sanctity meant human.”

“Look around and you’ll see. The death at your hands. I’ve come to save earth from the great sickness of man.”

“There’s a truth you’ve forgotten, or perhaps don’t understand.”

“I stand for all life that lives on this land.”

And when Jesus was done

Not a creature remained

Save those who had falsely called on his name

[notes-23]

The love of a mother

Many times I saw my mother’s face twisted in anguish

In pain I did not comprehend

I saw my father’s smile, marred by anger and resentment

And they poured it all deep into me

With a quick strike of their hands

And now I see that same struggle reflected in the shallow waters where I stand

I fear my father’s love of me

Did much more harm than good

And my mother’s words ring in my ears

“If I could leave I would”

I kick this puddle in the street and ask god to send a flood

To cleanse my soul in suds and foam

To wash me far away

Take me deep into the forest where the beasts will be my home

But god leaves me undelivered

Only static answer back

And I know I’ll be here forever

Trapped inside my mother’s past

[notes-23]

To New Friends

What an interesting thing

Feeling alone

When surrounded by people

Who feel just like home

Why are moments spent dancing

Just myself and this weight

The only thing able

To numb this sore ache

I can’t quite remember

The moment they came

The moment this burden

Found a new name

Suddenly the shadow that lurked from behind

Is walking right by me

With their hand in mine

I’ve discovered sweet solace

In their sturdy stride

Because being alone means

Not needing to hide

So I dance hand in hand

With this new found friend

Knowing they’ll be here

For only me in the end

[notes-23]

Self-Aware

How sad it is to know myself

And know I’ll never change

To know I’ll take the crumbs you give

With love that’s all the same

I’m growing sure

And gaining strength

I never had before

But still I know I know myself

My heart’s an open the door

I’m much too soft and fearful

To really lock it shut

Cause ending it for good would mean

There’d be no if’s and’s or but’s

No moments had in whispered looks

While standing at the bar

We’d just become two people there

Two slowly passing ships

We’d just become two ghosts in time

Left to ask What If

[notes-23]

Consume

I wrote down your name and folded it up

Put inside my mouth and let it sit on my tongue

And when it began to feel soft I swallowed it whole

Consumption’s the one form of love than I know

So how do I end this hunger that sits in my soul

This primal desire to be truly known

Am I trapped at this table

Begging for scraps

Is it asking too much

To be fed a full meal

Or do I take what I get

Be thankful and kneel

Cause good god I’m starving

I just want to be full

Of the same type of love

That I give to you

[notes-23]

I would let him do the most ungodly things to me

And even knowing that, he’d still treat me heavenly

[notes-23]

HyperFixation

It's happened again

I've lit a new match

Tossed it into a tin for the garbage to catch

So I can kick the tin over and watch the flames spread

Cause I know only ash will be left in the end

But I just couldn't help it

I'm a moth to the flame

And the heat rushed right through me when you whispered my name

I could listen to reason

And put the match out

Give it a toss and a stomp

I could do it right now

But I look at the flame

Dance down the twig

Watch it burn its way down to my bare fingertips

I know it'll hurt when its all said and done

But God the heats good, feels like soaking in sun

So I'll keep the flame going, if only for now

Until the day that I'm ready

To simply put it out

[notes-23]

Wait. Really? Me?

You tell me I'm pretty

I chuckle, "okay."

You tell me it's true

I sigh a quick, "thanks."

I'll go home tonight and look in the mirror

I'll see what you see, feeling sexy and fierce

And I'll see you again, where you'll tell me im hot

Where you'll touch me and rub me and kiss me non stop

And I'll feel it again, like I don't measure up

To the me you enjoy with not a single light off

And I'm sorry, I know I keep going on

But this feels like a trick you thought would be fun

Cause I'm looking at you, and you must know you're cool

You're someone who easily makes the girls drool

And I'm awkward, and weird, a bundle of nerves...

Oh...you're awkward...and weird...a bundle of nerves?

You actually mean it? We're in the same boat?

Both waiting for the other to cross over the moat

Each stuck in the moment that lies in between

How do people just, start kissing?

Do I ask or lean in? Should I leave it to you?

And are these thoughts swimming around your mind too?

This is uncharted waters, my maps no good here

I'm a big ball of stress bouncing with fear

But I'll try and believe your words are sincere

The next time you whisper sweet things in my ear

[notes-23]

Stimming

I screamed into a bottle

Tossed it up in the sky

It burst into stardust

And spread far and wide

I try to contain it

But never succeed

Like a caged bird

I can’t help but sing

[notes-23]

🪱❓

Worm?

[notes-23]

Worm?

[notes-23]

The Cycle

And so there we stood

With the Sycamore tree

In my hands sat a bug

I said "Look!" You said "Neat!"

We sat there each year

With the Sycamore tree

In a pocket of time

For just you, and just me

We lay in the ground

With the Sycamore tree

As food for the bugs

The next lovers will need