no-one-must-ever-know-blog

[no-one-must-ever-know-blog]

That's IT!

          I'm done hiding behind the T-shirts and fading into the background. I'm not going to let myself slip back into a dark place, (we'll see how that goes) I'm not gonna freak about dude, (just friends) guy from the e-board, (we'll see where that goes) or L (I'm just not gonna go there right now).

         I am going to be a strong, sassy, young woman! I am a person and it's time I started to treat myself as such! 

        I'm gonna let the chips fall where they may and be the person I've always known I could be. I'm tired of being used, stomped on, and treated like shit. Well no more! Let it be know that I am done with that shit! I am, who I am! I am not gonna change for anyone but ME Damn it!

     (If this lasts longer than a week I'll be pretty damn proud of myself!)

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I just don't know at this point

        That moment when you realize you don't have a chance and probably never did can be a real bitch. 

        Seeing L hanging out with a pretty person and being more elusive than ever is just sakejvs lfgeryksbdfciudkjgfb wiaucmnd. (next words laiden with sarcasm) oh look, i'm a fangirl with feels. (sarcasm over now) OF COURSE I HAVE FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

         I'm human and when you fall like I do you tend to get hurt. I should've learned by now. 

         On a better note my Ex-roommate finally got her crap out of my fridge so that's good. But she and another one of my friends didn't think I had done anything to my hair! My wonderful CA noticed the gingerfication! WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! people today are gonna be the end of me.

          Let's not forget that during my radio show today my friend seems to think that the E-board member that stopped in was drooling over me. I'm gonna have to take her word on that on cause that shit don't happen to me. She seemed to think that him fawning over my musical selections and saying he was gonna nominate me for show of the week was drooling. Does this qualify? I have no idea! I'm not used to guys trying to hit on me! This is new territory! WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

         Don't judge me today has been one of those.

                   Laters!

[no-one-must-ever-know-blog]

Mr. Amazing

        Yesterday was awesome. I had a friend help me attempt to dye my hair. I say attempt because I have so much hair we need to do it again. Then we hung out and worked on our show lineups for this week. (Yes college radio is an excellent place to make friends.)

         Going to dinner is where things got interesting. We walked into the dining hall and the first person I saw was L, sitting alone. (For those of you who don't know L is an absolutely wonderful guy who is on the e-board for the college radio station that I'm a part of. He is the one who did my training and we've become friends in the past couple of weeks. And I've developed an enormous crush on him.) So my friend and I go sit with him and after a few minutes my friend left. It ended up that L and I sat there talking for quite a while and were some of the last people to leave dinner. We walked back to the dorm and stood in the hall talking for at least another 20 minutes.

          When we finally parted ways I went into my room and tried to finnish my lineup for my show on Tuesday when dude showed up. (Dude is the guy that lives down the hall almost the same distance from me as L but in the other direction. I think he might have a thing for me but I am very not interested. He's a nice guy but honestly maybe there is more to me than theater, star trek, and sports.) I couldn't get rid of dude so I ended up just chilling cause I couldn't get anything don't on my show. Once I was able to escape him, I heard a song I remembered L playing on his show friday so I went down the hall to say hi. As it turns out he is a friggin' photoshop wizard!

         He showed me some of the things he was doing and I was blown away. Oh did I mention the computer he was using was one that HE BUILT? Yea he builds custom computers! This guy is absolutely amazing! We have a lot in common and then there are things that neither of us would've suspected about the other. I ended up leaving his room around midnight, but not after he said he would talk to me today, (last night he said tomorrow, which is now today!) about printing show posters.

        I can't wait to see him today! 

        I can't help but wish that he might wake up and think "maybe I'll give her a chance". If that happened I would be the happiest person ever!

Here's hoping!

                      Laters!

[no-one-must-ever-know-blog]

For Love and Music

       I'll explain the hiatus late but let me just take the time to say that I spent almost 2 HOURS hanging out with L during his show!

       So after babysitting I went over to the station cause I wanted to pick his brain about a few things and we just ended up talking about stuff and yea. My brain is like non-articulate because I am in a happiness overload! 

       We talked about music obviously, but we talked drama and shoelaces, and stupid things like that. But it was amazing and we have a long weekend, honestly I don't have classes till Wednesday, and there is almost nobody left on campus. Although I'm here, he's here . . . maybe we'll hang out again, who knows? Not me! But I guarantee that I'm gonna fall asleep thinking about him again tonight. 

        I am so pathetic, honestly. I spend time with him and I get like go off the deep end and do nothing except for think about everything that happened during the encounter. I'm even listening to some of the music from tonight's show because it's amazing and I feel like in order to get closer to him I should look into the music. So then I can go "Hey, so I looked up that band and, . . . ".

          Any conversation I have with him always involves music because we are both immersed in a world that, in order to survive, we have developed a way to escape. Music is the basis of who we are and it brings us together. I am kinda in like a seventh nine cloud heaven or something, I have always known that music would bring people into my life but I never expected this.

            I really hope we can hang out more this weekend! Wish me Luck!

                       Laters!

PS  Yes I will explain the reason I have not been on all week, eventually.

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Stupid Grin

         OMG. I have the stupidest dopy grin on my face because I just spent like and hour or more talking to L!!!!!!!

        Yea so the whole story would probably be a good idea so after (I think I'll just call star trek boy down the hall dude), dude left last night I posted on here and crashed. I didn't crawl out of bed until like 11-ish this morning. I've basically spent all day in my room doing homework and watching star trek (by myself). So at one point (I don't look at clocks are you kidding?) dude knocks on the door and invites me to dinner with him and his roommate. I was painting my nails so I said thanks, but no thanks. Later he knocked and we hung out for a while just talking.

       When he left around 8:30-ish I put my laundry in to wash came back to my room had a snack then my mom called. So after that I went back down stairs and put my stuff in the dryer. On my way back up I ran into L. We said hey then when I got back I left my door open. He walked by a couple of times doing laundry things, then he came and hung out in my doorway and we just talked. We found out that we live in the same county and at one point dude was walking by and the two of them hovered in my doorway. The three of us just kinda talked about all kinds of stuff and I realized something.

         I WILL FINALLY ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT I AM IN SERIOUS LIKE WITH THIS GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

         So now I have the dopy grin bring on the love songs and chocolate as I pine away after the fabulous and musical L. I can't wait to see him again and I keep hearing his voice in my head and seeing his smile. *sigh* I know I'm totally pathetic. But he understands how important music can be. 

        Music has saved my life on more than one occasion: many times in the past when I was upset, last week when all the home drama was going on, during the whole B situation, and now maybe it will find me someone who understands. (By the way B walked by like four times while we were all talking and he didn't even look at us so I hope we're still friends.)

       I hope this goes somewhere because L is amazing and wonderful and funny and just  . . . *sigh* . . . I'm rambling. In short I really like this guy. More than I liked B actually now that I think about it. I hope I grow a spine in the next two days though, cause if I don't ask about dollar movie night I'm gonna kick myself in the face all semester. 

       Wish me Luck!

                   Laters!

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I'm too damn nice

        I'm trying not to encourage the boy down the hall yet I went to a big campus event yesterday with him and his roommate. He at one point decided to sit next to me instead of his roommate so I had one on each side of me and I think his roommate might have a thing for me as well. (yay.) 

       Then tonight I get back from an event I went to and I encounter him in the hall. His roommate is drunk (his roommate is of legal drinking age) and he felt uncomfortable so he invited me over to watch the new Star Trek movie but, me being stupid and nice, said if he wanted we could watch Star Trek: Enterprise in my room. He looked rather relieved at that cause I think he didn't quite know what to make of his roommate in that situation. So he comes over at 9-ish. We watch 3 episodes then hang out talking about politics, history, sports, injuries, and just about anything else until about 20 minutes ago. My clock says it's 1:48 right now. 

        I try not to encourage him but at the same time no one should have to deal with the awkward drunk roommate. I don't want to lead him on but at the same time I can't just not speak to him without a decent reason. 

      (By the way last night I went to the station and hung out with L towards the end of his show and we talked about music the entire time and I was just to into the fact that we were hanging out last night that I forgot to mention the movie! Maybe next week around the time of my show or something. Cause I never know when I'm going to run into him.)

       So Yea. I'm too damn nice for my own good sometimes. Nothing happened between us BTW. We were at least a foot and a half apart the whole time so NOTHING transpired. Which is probably a good thing. I'm gonna try and get some sleep so I can spend all day tomorrow doing homework.

                           Laters!

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I can't help it!

       I was walking past the station tonight and noticed that L was in the booth. We waved and he smiled at me! I practically ran back to my room so I could tune in. So I'm sitting here eating kit-kats drinking milk from the jug and listening to his show. For some reason the though to tuning in was so exciting and listening to his voice on the air is amazing because he's exactly the same. I like the music, it's not my usual stuff but I'm open to exploring a little more thrash metal. I think that's what this is :l . 

       I'm sitting here sighing and taking in the fact that I'm probably falling and I told myself I was gonna stop this, but it's different this time. (yea right my subconsious whispers in my ear.) I just cat help it! For some reason it just feels right.

       Now if it were more than just me listening to the radio in my room I would be beyond ecstatic. I think I might bring up dollar movie night when I see him next. If I play my cards right on this one maybe it could become more over time. 

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My Hallway. . . .

       So if you've been following me for a while you will already know about B. But for newbs and because I haven't said much about him in a while I'm gonna go over briefly what happened there, and give an update about what's going on there now. So the boy next door, (B because I don't use names here because I am the anon queen), is a wonderful person who is one of the biggest sweethearts I know. I had a crush on him for a while, then he got back with his ex, E, and I was a bit upset for a while. They make a great couple though and I've seen them walking around together a couple of times, she is super nice and he is so happy. The whole thing makes me realize that that's what I want someday, happiness and love that makes the world seem less dark and unfair.

         An interesting character in my hall is the boy that lives down the hall to my left. He doesn't get a letter/name for now. I think he might have a thing for me but I'm just not interested. This is kinda a new concept for me since it's always been the other way around. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy, when my door is open he'll stop and to say hi and we'll end up having a 20 min conversation. It's usually about like theater or star trek, he's nice but he's just not what I'm looking for at this point in my life.

         Now If you've been following me only in the past few days you will know that I now have a radio show. When I went to the first meeting the executive board introduced themselves, and I didn't remember half their names because there was just sooooo much information being thrown out I was just trying to take it all in. Anyway so in the next couple of days I started to see one of the members around more in my hall. When I went in for training on Monday he was the one who trained me, and as it turns out he lives four doors to my right down the hall. Let's call him L. I've seen him around more but I haven't seen him around today. He's sweet, musical, and that shy type of friendly that's really refreshing sometimes. 

         I don't really know what my feelings are about him are at this point though. I feel like we could end up being friends, and maybe hang out sometimes. Next time I see him I'm thinking about asking if he is going to dollar movie night next week. No like a date or anything, but as friends and fellow music lovers and DJ's. I don't know though I mean I don't want to be that girl that seems to forward and scares away all potential male friends. Oh wait, I do that anyway. 

        I might just wait and see where the wind takes this. Who knows, maybe something will come of it after all! So yea I'm gonna got to bed earlier than I have since coming to college. 

                   Laters!

[no-one-must-ever-know-blog]

Demolished Feels

           So I just remembered that I forgot to post last night and tell you how my Show went on tuesday. I'm sorry about that I was having my feels demolished last night by NCIS and NCIS: LA. I watched the new episodes on CBS last night and the Tiva goodbye was just heart wrenching, not to mention all the crazy feels going on in the world of Densi. *sigh* Hey I allowed to fangirl sometimes too you know.

          But I have digressed, my show went well I guess. One of my friends said she tuned in partway through and said I sounded good and she liked the music so I consider that a success. 

         I'm "doing homework" so this needs to be a shot post. Late however I will fill you in on the boy situation in my hallway, including B (next door), L (four doors to my right), and the dude down the hall to my left (he doesn't get a letter/name). I shall leave y'all in suspense till then.

                    Laters!

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        You know you're tired when you're putting a sweatshirt on a hanger, it breaks and you call it a peasant.

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Radio Madness

         A few posts ago I mentioned the fact that I might get the chance to be on the radio. Well, I am. Tomorrow is my first ever show and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I had training today so hopefully come 4:00 tomorrow I know what the hell I'm doing. I always thought it would be fun to be on the radio when I was a kid. But then again, what kid doesn't dream of being on the radio? Getting to play your music your way? I get to finally be that voice coming from the speakers, playing music that might just inspire someone else the same way that it inspired me. 

          Tomorrow isn't going to be all sunshine and daisies though. I have class till 3:30, then the show at 4:00, then I need to be at work at 6:00. here's the kicker though, my show is two hours. I need to basically run to get from the station to work without being too late. That's what I'm worried about. Class should be fine, I spent almost two hours working on my lineup for tomorrow, but the one thing out of my control is work.

         Even so I can't help just feeling elated by the fact that I get to be on the RADIO. I grew up listening to the radio constantly, it's something that gives you the feeling like you could really be heard by someone who matters. They stream it live on the University web site and on some global radio search thing, I don't get that, but the point I have the ability to be heard globally! This is one of the things that never cease to amaze me.

        Have a nice night! I'll let you know tomorrow how well I survived.

 -Laters!

PS: looks like 15 followers in the next 17 minutes isn't going to happen, but 30 in the next month is doable. I'll post those pics like I promised, if the activity merits them. 

Sleep well world, you have a big day tomorrow. I'm taking over the airwaves so you better hang onto something.

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The Conversation

       As promised here is the conversation between me and my "Friends" they will be X and Y. X is the one who initiated the conflict. All of the text is as it is in my phone, the misspelling, the text talk, all of it. So no hate for that!

Here is the texted portion;

X: Are you being a dick?

ME: Wtf?

X: some birds told me that you are a bit different. :D

ME: What did u hear? I'm the same: stressed and tired as usual

X: That your personality and whom you consider your friends are different.

ME: Home friends or college

X: Home. I dont give a fuck about college friends. Lol

ME: Who then? who is saying I'm different & who [how] am i different 

X: just a couple of us. They just told me that you just seem to not care about them anymore.

ME:Wat? just because im busy dont mean i dont care.if u dont give me a name i cant confirm or deny properly. WHO IS SPOUTING BS ABOUT ME????

X: Y and another.

ME: Who else?

X: thats all you get.

ME: Ive had a ton going on up here and the last thing i need piled on top is some bs drams from home

X: Okay. I was just telling you what some people were feeling.

ME: Ive been stressing more than ever & the past week was shit y r u callin me out NOW?? this is the last thing i need

X: like I'm aware what your life is in fucking ----------. I went to dinner with Y and she told me some things. Thats why fucking now.

ME: What specifically r u 2 "concerned" about?

X: That what she told me is the truth. duh. 

     At this point i did not text her back and I posted on facebook a few minutes later:

ME: Ok look. I'm only gonna rant about this once so pay attention! I'm away at College, I have new responsibilities that require most of my time. If it does not sit well with you that I have classes that are quite difficult and that require most of my energy, then I'm not sorry. Just because I'm here does not mean you can become what we as a group once condoned, a backstabber. I know what was said at my graduation party and I understand that you have problems with my wardrobe. (Y) I understand that you have the need to drag me into drama that should not even be happening. (X) So hear this if you think that just because I am trying to do well in college means that I have changed or that I don't care then maybe you have forgotten just who i am. I know who my friends are and I know where I'm going in my life and if I'm not talking to you every three seconds don't get you knickers in a twist.  I am who I am, I thought you realized this.

        I tagged them in it and they weren't too happy X sent me another text:

X: You dont want to deal with us -backstabbers- then fine. have a good fucking life. you can go ahead and fill your 2 newly opened friend slots.    

         Y sent me a message on facebook:

Y: You suck...what you said was not right!!! We are all going through stress right now..and if you bothered to stay in touch you would realize that I am on the verge of depression and that I am having heart problems.....also did you ever think that maybe I think you have changes for the better?! It also makes me look bad when you tag me in the post...and this has made it clear that maybe you're not a good friend...

         So yea this was my yesterday this is why I am not in a good headspace. People are bitches learn who your friends are cause clearly these two weren't mine.

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Home Drama

      So yea Today just topped off a fabulous week. A "friend" from home bitched me out and apparently we aren't friends anymore. IDK at this point. Tomorrow I promise I will post the entire conversation verbatim; I will type in the texts and copy and paste in the facebook stuff word for word omitting names of course. I would do it now but I'm in a not so good head-space. 

       Sorry for not posting since my lack of blood delirium the other day I really don't know what the hell that was. I moved my Roommate out last night so that was why I didn't post. She had requested a single in the summer before we me at orientation and decided we wanted to be roommates, so when one opened up she took it. It was nothing against me but it was still a shock. now I have a double that is echoey and empty-ish until I finnish reconfiguring my stuff.

       So yea, I'm gonna go to bed so I can get up for church tomorrow. I haven't been in a while and I haven't tried out the one near my dorm yet so I think I might do that. After the week I've had I need the solace. I promise I'll post the conversation tomorrow!

                             Laters!

PS; Is 15 followers even possible? I want to know that someone is either learning from my mistakes and mishaps, relating to them, or at least laughing an my stupidity. I'm not opposed to hearing from anyone, if there is anyone out there? 

[no-one-must-ever-know-blog]

I Saved Three Lives!

        No I didn't pull some daring rescue, I GAVE BLOOD!!!! And in my delirium I realized that I haven't blogged in 2 days so I figured I'd give you guys what you want, (or quite probably more likely barely tolerate, if you are even aware of my existence) ME!

       Yesterday was long and there were some trials but I'm exited because I should be getting an e-mail soon about getting a local radio show! And today some older gentleman started talking to me and HE THOUGHT I WAS 25!!!!!!!! (I'm not btw).

     (Side note B just scared startled me because it's 1:31am I need sleep the only sounds are my roommate lightly snoring because she has a cough, and the sound of my typing. A few seconds ago I heard this weird almost ratchety noise and it took me a sec to figure out that it was just B either pulling down his blinds or putting them up. The sound was like, less than 4 ft from my head so it was more than slightly starling)

       Sorry if this is weird and rambley this is what happens when I give blood, I get slightly odder than usual sometimes. Um, so, yea . . . Giving blood was good now the vampires will let me be for a while then in a couple of months they'll come back and take some more. Giving blood is a very rewarding experience and I recommend doing it if you can. It may make your brain turn mushier than usual but you are somebody's hero and that is a wonderful feeling. I just got the song somebody's hero stuck in my head. It's a slightly older like late 90's early 2000's song by some wonderful country lady I can't remember who. 

        Before you send the hate I like lots of different music and there is nothing wrong with some twang once in a while. I listen to Classic Rock, Country, Blues, Metal, and Disney. I'm not really a fan of the whole rapping thing maybe because as an instrumentalist myself I don't care as much for the artificial "beats" that make up that sort of thing. 

       So yea I'm sitting here falling asleep. I'm that person that just doesn't sleep before 2am. I gave blood so I should probably crash before I drop my computer or something.

                           Laters!

PS: We can still make 15 followers by Oct. 1 If I get more than 15 or even a sufficient number of notes I will upload a bonus pic of the same variety as the first. 

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Found! :(

       I actually don't have to much to rant about this time except for the fact that someone from my life FOUND THIS!!!!!!! So yea we were actually talking in B's room ironically and if she had said something I would not have been pleased. Thank you M if you read this for not saying anything! But yea I basically chilled and did homework today. 

      Although before my evening of chilling and Star Trek: Next Generation, I discovered that my roommate is such a worrywart. She was gone like all day and she decides to come back in the 15 mins I'm across the hall talking to someone from one of my classes. The door was unlocked because I WAS ACROSS THE HALL! She thought that was weird but what freaked her out was that I didn't have my iPod with me. So I get back from babysitting and I'm tired I sit down sneeze twice B knocks on the wall in a sort of "bless you" typer thing, and then 5, I repeat 5, people come bursting into the room (not B but my roommate and reinforcements) cause they were checking the room one more time before they informed someone that I was "missing".

     This is the 2nd time that she has assumed the worst when I haven't looked at my phone for 30 seconds. I hadn't had time to look at my phone when I got back I had barely sat down for crying out loud! 

       So yea nothing much happened today but I learned some very interesting things about a couple of people and now I'm gonna watch and observe to see if I can figure out what the fuck is going on.

                        Laters Lovelies!

PS, The goal of 15 followers by october is totally possible! I'm editing the pic so's y'all can't see the background but the stuff I drew on my arm was epic! Let's try to make it happen?

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Only Invisible, Not Important.

       I'm that person who is doomed to be invisible my entire life. I'm that person that starts to hang out then as i'm slowly nudged aside and realize that I'm not wanted drops from peoples lives unnoticed. 

        As you can probably tell this has not been a good day. I have had the wonderful revelation that I'm going to be invisible and lonely my entire life. I am a worthless person that nobody really cares about and people seem to think that the only time they can talk to me is when they want something. These are the days when i feel like a total looser and realize no matter how hard I try I will never have a life or any meaningful connection with another human being.

         When people stop acknowledgeing the fact that you exist as a human being this is when the self-esteem bar drops below zero. My roommate just doesn't get it. for whatever reason she seems to think my problems aren't that bad. And to some they might not be, but in all honesty I was really hoping to leave high school behind me. I wanted to escape from the invisible feeling that I have always known! 

         Or I was hoping it would take people a little longer than 3 weeks to figure out what a looser I've been all my life. I just wish that this would stop. I'm a person with feelings too you know. 

[no-one-must-ever-know-blog]

poetry

So the title of my last post inspired me to write this poem and it kinda sums up my existence. 

Oh, PS: if I get 15 followers by the end of the month I'll post a picture of something epic that I drew on my arm last week.

                          On The Outside Looking In

On the outside looking in, 

                I see happiness and love.

From the inside looking out,

     You can't see me, I've always been invisible.

On the outside looking in, 

                I hear laughter and music,

             I see the smile on your face as you look into her eyes.

From the inside looking out,

       But then, you don't look out,

             Your whole world is exactly as you want it.

On the outside looking in,

               I smile and wave,

                    and forever let you be.