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[nhlnewsdesk]

Boston Bruins must register before they can score goals.

With many wondering just exactly what is going on in Boston, NHLnewsdesk has discovered the possibly culprit behind their scoring woes. The players must register, before the game that night, if they want to score goals. If they do not register they will not be able to score goals. The process is simple however, often players ignore it.

“Sometimes you’re just tired and confused so you forget,” Said resident non goal scorer David Backes, “Yeah i’ll make sure i register some nights but like, there are other guys on the team so i don’t worry about it.”

“It’s just not worth the trouble” said Adam McQuaid who hasn’t registered in over 5 years, “They’re lucky i even show up now that I have netflix.”

When asked about why they do this, Charlie Jacobs had a simple answer “if they’re not registered how will they score.” when we pointed out every other team doesn’t require such a process Jacobs scoffed, “They don’t play in boston.” 

we’re still not sure what that means.

[nhlnewsdesk]

you're a sick fuck

am i the sick fuck for making it or is bergevin a sick fuck for making it believable.

[nhlnewsdesk]

CAPS TRADE D BROOKS ORPIK TO MONTREAL FOR F ALEX GALCHENYUK

no not really the trade freeze happened 3 hours ago just keeping you on your toes.

[nhlnewsdesk]

BREAKING: Crosby sets all time Penguins playoff record for assists with 97

He also sets all time concussion record with 100049. 

“is that all” said the man from the shadow room where the screaming souls are kept, “he has a long way to go” he then cackled and everything smelled of sulfur. Don’t go to the NHL headquarters unprepared.

[nhlnewsdesk]

Breaking: Steve Yzerman just giving up

“Whatever this is more fun anyway” Steve Yzerman said before throwing another dart at a board with pictures of players from the tampa bay lightning. 

[nhlnewsdesk]

Thornton wants back in Boston, insiders agree.

NHLNewsdesks insiders are very diligent hard working people who watch every single game for any story that anyone else is missing. For instance, during the bruins/Sharks game February 9th, one insider found this comparison during the NESN broadcast.

seems suspicious right?

On the left is a clearly happier joe thornton in a bruins sweater and on the right is a lot more rugged, and sad looking Joe Thornton. It’s clear to us that, Thornton would be a lot happier in Boston and should get out of San Jose and back to Boston as soon as possible before he finally escapes to the wilderness to live out the rest of his life.

[nhlnewsdesk]

Habs Nathan Beaulieu and Bruins Brandon Carlo part of political marriage

With the new year, the longest war in North American history has reached 93 years. Yes, the Bruins and Habs war will make history books but both sides are showing signs of fatigue. While the habs rely on the defense Carey Price gives them, the bruins rely on sheer luck and fuckery. Both teams are depleted of resources and have come to an agreement to help tensions and possibly end the war.

Habs player Nathan Beaulieu is set to marry Bruins defensemen Brandon Carlo at a neutral location. The Hope is that these men will one day rule their countries and bring peace to the atlantic division. A peach it has never seen. but until then outraged citizens continue the war as neither nation wants to blink first. 

[nhlnewsdesk]

Detroit Red Wings to play in Playoffs “No matter damn what”

The Detroit Red Wings are known for many things, one being their historic playoff streak. With the season approaching it’s halfway mark, it seems the red wings may have to settle for it ending. 

However, according to insider information, the Detroit Red Wings are planning in the playoffs “no matter damn what.”

“You think they can stop us” Blashill said to us the other day, “we basically invtened the playoffs, also it’s not like we do well anyway, they can’t say no to just one round of us.” 

When asked how they were going to pull it off, Blashill had answers for that too: “We have divisional rivals who may not make tha playoffs agree to being our opponenet. Boston is a train wreck as usual and they need a playoff appearance so they were easy. Toronto is desperate. and Montreal is bracing for another collapse. So with the opponent out of the way we just need a tv broadcast, which is great because we locked a NBC crew in a conference room.”

Will anything stop the detroit red wings? it’s innovation like this that gets you into the playoffs every year.

[nhlnewsdesk]

BREAKING TRADE

Colorado has traded landeskog and iginla to the Bruins for Noel acciari and a hug.

[nhlnewsdesk]

BREAKING TRADE

Colorado has traded landeskog and iginla to the Bruins for Noel acciari and a hug.

[nhlnewsdesk]

Colorado Avalanche to address losing issues

After a horrifying loss to the leafs and surprising everyone, especially vancouver canucks fans, with being the worst team in the league, the Colorado Avalanche realize they need to change some things. A pretty underwhelming team in recent years, the avalanche fallen so fast they may now actually be somewhere around earth’s core by now. 

To combat this horror show the Avs have gotten together with the NHl to make the playing field a little fairer.

“We’re going to play against ourselves,” said Coach Bednar, “yes we’ll also incur losses but we will also win in this scenario and we need wins more than we don’t need losses. It’s about propping up our points not our record.”

if this doesn’t work it’s safe to say Bednar’s coaching career will be...deadnar

[nhlnewsdesk]

Dallas Stars players to be sentenced to death

After a Supreme Court ruling the other day that found Lone Star State to be constitutional, all dallas stars players-but one-will be put to death. 

“it’s simple” said Bettman “It’s called the Lone Star State, we overstepped by letting them have up to 23 stars, this is our fault and the problem has to be dealt with properly. this is the only way.”

No word yet on which player will be saved. But if they want to keep winning analysts suggest a d-man, who can score and defend. As they will probably lose both goalies.

[nhlnewsdesk]

List of Possible excuses for NHL players hoping to go to on vacation instead of to the all star game

wife is having a kid (only works if you have a wife, admittedly heteronormative)

injury (not ideal because you have to miss a regular season game)

pale canadian boy cannot take the LA sun

Canadian tire is having a sale that weekend

got turned into a vampire last minute, need about a weekend to get used to new lifestyle

your tim horton’s franchise is opening that weekend

you’ve run away from home to join the circus

mom said you couldn’t go

the sun is setting too early and it confuses you and you have to go to bed at 6 pm now

someone ate all your cats food and you need a whole weekend to replace it

your dog is sick from eating all of your cats food

you have an ongoing war with your neighbors and leaving for the all star game would mean forfeit

montreal tried to bury you in the minors so hopefully people would forget about you (doesn’t work, people just remember you more)

Jerseys do not go with your new hairdo

you’re not actually a hockey player just two 5 year olds in a trenchcoat.

You need to catch up on Pitch(tm). A new fox series about the first women in major league sports, on every thursday at 9pm

[nhlnewsdesk]

Kiss Your Local Enforcer initiative to start in many hockey communities in North America

Kiss Your Local Enforcer is an initiative started by Matt Martin that will take place in major cities all across North America coming this february in preparation for Valentine’s day

“kiss your local enforcer is a very important initiative to me” Martin told us, friday, “we get in a lot of fights and sometimes that’s the most intimacy we get from acquaintances. I think it’s important to start showing enforcers that strangers don’t always want to fight them.”

Other enforcers are on board with this.

“I’m a good guy ya know?” Shawn Thornton said, “But i worry that people only want to punch me in the face. Kisses from local Floridians would make me feel better.” 

So look out for your local team to see if their participating in the Kiss Your Local Enforcer initiative and get out there and kiss your local enforcer. 

[nhlnewsdesk]

please rag on the canes, they're trash rn and my canes fan heart needs happiness

You mean Quebec’s new team?

[nhlnewsdesk]

Where did you hear that the Hawks are rushing to trade Toews because I've done a lot of searching on the topic and nothing has showed up beside your post

[nhlnewsdesk]

Blackhawks are Rushing to trade Jonathan Toews

Following an injury to their captaim, the blackhawks realize they overpaid him for 8 years. But it’s hard to trade an injured player. This is why they haven’t released any update on his condition and are taking it day-by-day, they need to get rid of this player !. More updates available as they come out.

notes: think of changing title to “russian” to trade J.T. think of russian player they could be trading him for.