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Okay so I read the first chapter of "A Picture of Dorian Grey"... my goodness I didn't know it was so gay. Hehehehehe and I got an edition that references all of the edits that were made to make it less gay(If you care this is the exact edition.) LMFAOOO what a treat.

So far I understand that my guy Basil is in love, as a hopeful romantic is wont to do. Lord Henry is your typical lackadaisical, thot, bad influence and cynic. He's also super interesting, seems like he's trying hard to be(or seem) dumber than he is and, I assume, he's hot.

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Meow

Hello here is every meow occurrence in the legend of Zelda video game series

Ocarina of Time - Granny's Potion Shop Cat

Oracle of Seasons - Mittens

She's part of a trading quest. You get her down from a tree with a fish!

The Minish Cap

Purry - You can actually do a kinstone fusion with Purry!

Twilight Princess

Link - Sera's Cat in Ordon Village

Louise - Telma's Cat in Telma's Bar in Castle Town

Gengle - Jovani's cat. A side quest will turn Gengle back from solid gold. He's also the leader of the cats in Castle Town

Other cats outside Jovani's house

There are 20 cats in the Hidden Village.

Tri Force Heroes

Mirror cat - this cat only shows up in the mirror of Madame Couture's shop

Madame Coutore's cats

Outdoor cats

Meow :D

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Currently trying to figure out how to make my life calmer, less scary but also incorporate growth and my health. It's hard. But it'll be worth it. I'll be okay. God said so.

The older you get, the more you choose calmness over drama and distance over disrespect. You prioritize your peace, mental health, and happiness - over everything.

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Okay they... might have their first fangirl here?

Rock, jazz, a lil hip hop and a dash of RnB??? Sadder Days has put it all in a mixer and baked it at the perfect time and temp. Via their website "Pulling from so many prominent influences in Black music, Sadder Days created their own genre, "RnM", that combines sounds from RnB, Jazz, Gospel, House, Hip-Hop, and Classical music, and wraps it in a neat, Metal package". To me the Jazz and Rock influences come through the strongest. Jazzy metal is the best description I can come up with.

If you like anime openings you're going to run through their singles like no one's business. I'm in love with their sound. The singer, Grant, has such a lovely voice that reminds me of 90s boy bands. Cameron the guitarist is his own unique talent(lol he has multiple considering I found the band via a tiktok that shows off his baking skills) unquestionably touching on those classical and Jazz influences with his playing. I'm sharing my two favorite songs(they don't have any albums out yet) but it was so hard to choose.

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Some thing's I've figured out...

Growing up is realizing what you actually like versus what you really really wish you would like. I'm sorry to say I really like critic and rock music and only wish I could like rap(as a whole there are some artists I can't do without) and writing fiction(I am a "it was all a dream ass bitch").

It's also coming to terms with what you're good at. I'm not very good at writing as a whole. (I'm pretty out of practice.) I'm not very good at what I majored in in college either. Ironically, I excelled because I was willing to give it my all. And I do mean literally, I got flabby and generally treated my body like shit. I only had the energy to befriend the shittiest, shadiest people at school and didn't have any extracurriculars. I hated my major by sophomore year but I kept going because I needed a job. So not only did I not like it but I wasn't good at it. I should have switched majors to math lmfao.

I wished I could like it and thought I could like the job or at least the benefits of the job would outweigh the misery. It didn't. That's another adulting rule. Everyone has a threshold for misery. What happens when you reach that threshold changes for most but I've found that finding something vastly different to do usually the most positive outcome. It's what I'm doing now. Plenty of people think writing is the opposite of STEM. I can't fathom being in STEM anymore. It would simply break me. I honestly- That's another essay for another time lol.

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If you like me needed some scientific proof as to why or how affirmations work one of the reasons they work is because of the illusory truth effect.

The effect has shown that when we hear something over and over we tend to believe it more. It's used all the time in propaganda and political campaigns. Even statements that we know to be false we tend to believe more with enough repetition. So the next time you don't want to do your affirmations just remember your undoing the bad propaganda you've been fed and brainwashing yourself in the best way.

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"You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does"

So Goth and rock in general has been my jam recently and the Smiths and this song is really... relatable to me right now. I'm done trying to change to get people to love me so I'll go and stand on my own.

Anyways I think I get a little bit of what Goth culture is about via these lyrics. It's about being unusually vulnerable with the art you make so much so that it goes against society's rules about how emotionally vulnerable we should be. It's way too much. On the other hand, the Goth aesthetic seems to be about the opposite showing a level of apathy(via standing out and the stereotypical unfeeling frozen face) that makes most of general society uncomfortable.

Which is so funny as a Black woman any expression of emotion(that isn't rage or tongue-in-cheek) is too much... i say this because the lyrics are just so often so relatable and vulnerable in a way i have never heard before. Any "black"(or god forbid "ghetto") aesthetics gives most people, black or white, the impression I am apathetic about how I come off. As if traditionally black aesthetics don't require serious attention to detail and lots of care(which is often why outsiders get it so wrong). The long acrylics are expensive as are the gold grills and butt length braids and weaves. The "respectable" black aesthetics which now a days consist of lots of natural hairstyles, silk presses, and understated pieces often associated with white folks usually come at the cost of frequenting white spaces and enduring racism more often.

Funny how misunderstood Black culture and alternative culture both are. Sucks because the integration of Black culture into the popular culture over the last few decades shows that people understand what they want to understand.

But I'm tired of trying to fit peoples' expectations of a caricature. I'll always fail because I'm not Madea or Sheneneh Jenkins or Jacqueline (Robin Givens in Boomerang) or Angela (Halle Berry). I have very few characteristics from any of those categories but people see me with one and assume I'll fit into the box well. Just like anyone displaying characteristics of any alternative style.

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me and my moots <3

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I'm realizing... finally that all the extraneous medication(spironolactone and birth control) I'm taking might be exasperating my anxiety. I got rid of the shitty men now time for the shitty meds lol. Hopefully it all gets out of my system sooner than I expect.

Imma be honest I didn't think about my birth control making me worse even though they all have before. I just don't respond well to fucking up my hormones mentally. Maybe because I was prioritizing the pleasure of others and immediate pleasures that didn't serve me in the long run. Hedonism doesn't work for me lol

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(Matthew 27:13-14)

In life we will all run into those situations where someone will be speaking negatively about us. Whether we hear it with our own ears or we hear about it from someone else, it will almost certainly cause a negative reaction which tries to feed the pride within us. But the one thing about pride is that it paves the way for destruction. (Proverbs 16:18)

But we all need to reach that place in life where regardless of what someone is saying negatively about us, we don't let their words be food for our pride. It's pride that makes us want to respond back. Whenever we feel we have to take God off the throne of our hearts and replace it with "self" so we can put somebody in their place, it was all done because of pride.

Here, Jesus had every right to respond back to the lies that was bring told about Him. Not only because He was innocent, but also because man had no place to judge Him. But Jesus' heart was not controlled by pride - He knew that if He held His peace, He would continue to stay in the perfect will of God.

Not responding back when someone is speaking negatively about you is like walking away from a fight, you got the victory over pride, and that was where the REAL battle was!

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Finally at a very traditional church and not sure how I feel about it because they said don't be a seductress.

And when I was sexually active it was the the only time in my life I received any "intimacy". I don't... I can feel how fucking empty I am sometimes and it's a fun reminder that I was neglected and mistreated and I have to make up for it lol. Even though, I don't know how to.

I'll do my best. I hoped religion could help fill that hole but sometimes it feels as if it's packing on more rules and setting me up for dashed hopes. I know God is real. But I don't know if God's plan includes me having meaningful human connection or love or not constantly dealing with emotional abuse and people lying about me. I desperately want to heal. To get a new start with my wrecked reputation but that is not guaranteed.

The pastor mentioned last Sunday looking to God to get what we want(as a bad thing) and I'll be honest that's why I turned to Christianity. I hope(d?)God would give me a job or someway to leave my current living situation. That and it's familiar. It reminds me of my childhood and Sunday school and being less afraid and less lonely. Of stories about justice and wrongs being righted and queens saving the day. But that's not present-day reality. Even the Bible admits that you may be long gone before justice is exacted. In this day and age when most people don't care about their lineage or legacy... is that really justice? If you believe it has to be enough.

It has to be enough that I have enough to live and I have God. Like any employer or master I'm sure They don't want to want to watch folks be miserable while working for them. But it's also frustrating because I don't need the reward of God or heaven to be kind and honest, to apologize and forgive others and repent when I wrong someone. Hell I've done that at my most miserable and will continue to do so. The draw is supposed to be getting into heaven. (It's really meant to be God's glory but let's be honest how many will say that when asked about why they worship?) But even that is reserved for the best of the best. I know I won't be going. I'm sure there's some sin I missed. that I'm missing.

I hate to say it but my big question is what's in it for me? Not going to Hell or Limbo? Not being punished? I'm already being punished. I can't know if it's worse but this is pretty bad. There are plenty of times I wished just not to be here fully aware I don't know what if anything comes after death. Eternal torment... can't be as bad as being unloved or despised by everyone around you. All I've known(excluding when I deluded myself) is the torment of being treated like a stray dog begging for scraps. Hell could just be more of this. That's not a threat it's my life. I'd rather be burnt alive than continue like this for much longer so if Hell is worse than this I still doubt it could be that bad. I doubt I want to be in heaven with the people who were good so other's would like them or they'd be popular. Those are typically the worst types to be around but do they get into heaven? Yea they do. So how great is heaven if they're there? If heaven is endless sermons and gaudy gold and jewels and McMansions? The only upside I see is no more periods lol. But what is pleasure without pain? Monotony? I guess I'm asking. What is the upside to worshiping God here on earth?

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So of course "The Smiths" and "Spellling" lead me to...

... the Cocteau Twins. They've definitely got that whimsical, fairy-like sound via the lead singer, Elizabeth Fraser. But of course their music is way more dated than "Spellling". Same lyrical vibe as "The Smiths" in the sense they hit a lot of the same themes and are generally very somber. And like "The Smiths" from that side of the pond, being Scottish. I've skipped Cherry-coulored funk more times than I can count but now that've finally decided to give it a listen the entire album is on my to listen.

But "Know Who You Are At Every Age" has got to be my favorite by them thus far. It has a much more traditional Goth sound. They lyrics here are clearer than they are in much other songs and the sound is less ethereal but it still complements the lead singers voice. Plus the lyrics are to die for.

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So I am bald. Or at least any child in my neighborhood would tell you that. I'm a black woman who wears her natural hair incredibly short.

I pull it off because of my unique face. It enhances the oddness which is what I want in this neighborhood. People either think I'm a drug addict, stud or someone to be avoided and that usually spares me from interactions like this one. Which the question any black(american southern) woman(who's femme) would as why? Why would you do that? Do men like that? And ya know I'd like to take some time to explain myself because

I want it in writing somewhere,

I want to finally explicitly acknowledge why I do this.

I want to be able to look back and know why present me does.

I think I look fantastic and at twenty-four I'm starting to realize that is literally all that matters. There are people attracted to every look and style(romantically and platonically) which is important because the big reason I do this is because I don't want to fit in here(the place where I am in the american south). People in my neighborhood are passive aggressive and gossips and shun anything new or odd. I've never fit in because I'm earnest and curious and in turn assume others are and I refused to respond to cruelty(until my adolescence). That's not to hold myself above anyone who's ever labeled themselves as "brutally honest" knows being earnest is not always a virtue and I can confirm curiosity killed the cat(knowledge brought me back).

Being "bald headed" is a visual signal that I don't want to fit in. Ironically they don't get that. In fact I've loved myself in this hair cut since I was at least 19 and backtracked out of worry of not fitting in and finding a place, because "friends" expressed disapproval and family snickered. And the occasional man and many women, strangers, won't let me forget how odd I look in with wide eyes and smirks and all the body language. But I remember God will never allow you comfort somewhere you don't belong and pretending to be someone you're not sure as hell won't make it more comfortable.

We've all heard you're a mix of your 5 closest friends. There's no one around in this neighborhood whose life I look at and go... "That looks awesome and admirable and peaceful". Not a one. And while in this city there are plenty of black professionals and business owners and happy nuclear families, I don't encounter many in my neighborhood. They are often friendly when I do get the chance to venture out. Hell I even see black women sporting cuts like mine.

Taking all that in makes me remember that I'm not only looking for people who sharpen me and to be comfortable with but I'm also looking for those who agree with me in what makes life good and satisfying and beautiful.

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"Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope."

- "A Picture of Dorian Grey", Oscar Wilde

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I always saw myself writing some interesting deep fiction like Toni Morrison or N.K Jenson but in a way I'm more like "kidology"(from youtube, if you recognize the name hello fellow femcels). I lean towards writing stuff about art and culture.

This blog is dredging up my long buried memories of hoping to write culture pieces at a local teen magazine. I quit in the middle of my first editor's review... lol I was fifteen and wanted to be a... "woman in STEM". I saw the VOX thing as more of diversifying addition to my resume. I still don't think of myself as a "good" writer... but at least I'm editing and I'm even open to criticism. (Not that I've gotten any here thus far but I'd welcome it)

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Yo my gym was closed for like three days. I can't stand this booty butt gym sometimes. I want a lil reward for not fussing.... I won't get it so I'm just gonna go to a different location.

Crazy enough the store right next to it in the same building had power... dumb gym.