myjourneybysarah - Tumblr blog

[myjourneybysarah]

introducing me

name: sarah

hobbies: cooking, writing, music

fav food: mac and cheese

age: turning 27 in september

issues: type one diabetes, depression, BPD, ADD, ED & constantly broke

[myjourneybysarah]

me, my posts and my journey

if anyone does actually read anything that i do post i suppose i should get on here and just say that it isn’t intended to be offensive or taken in a negative way. i love writing and i have a lot to say. 

[myjourneybysarah]

don’t drive yourself insane, it won’t always be this way

[myjourneybysarah]

tw: my miscarriage

I haven't been able to put the words together to explain what has happened or what exactly I have gone through. I've always used timelines to explain any type of situation that has occurred in my life, and I figured it was the easiest way to get my message across. 

January 5th 2021, I took a pregnancy test as I was a day late for my period. It came back positive, straight away. It took me by surprise and I got so nervous and excited. But then I got worried. How am I supposed to do this? Go through 9 months of changes to my body, 9 months of putting my health first. I couldn't fathom doing so as I've been trying to be the person to please everyone else for so long, and now I would have to take care of myself first. 

January 7th 2021, I made an appointment with my GP to confirm my pregnancy. She gave me a referral to get an ultrasound done. 

January 15th 2021, I had my first ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy as I was having sharp pain in my lower left abdomen. I was cleared of the ectopic pregnancy and continued on trying my best to take care of myself and my body. They had said that I was reading at 4 weeks. Throughout the next couple of weeks I was having 2-3 blood tests a week to ensure my diabetes was managed and that my HCG levels were rising. Everything was looking great. 

February 3rd 2021, I had another follow up ultrasound, I was reading at 7 weeks. I saw my baby's heartbeat. We were given the due date of September 21 2021, we were so excited to have a date and to be able to share the news with our closest family and friends. 

February 20th 2021, after leaving my brothers home, Rhys and I had gone on a lunch date, I was feeling tired in the morning and had a massive headache, but wanted to spend the day with my fiancé. When I went to the bathroom I noticed some light spotting. I kept an eye on it, and it progressively got darker. 

February 21st 2021, Rhys called the ambulance in the middle of the night, and I was taken to the emergency room where I would sit and wait for four hours before being seen. I was told that because it was a Sunday that the ultrasound machines were not available until Monday morning and to come back. However at 6am the following day... 

February 22nd 2021, I was in immense pain and I knew I wouldn't be able to drive myself to get the ultrasound done. I was taken by ambulance to the emergency room again and I waited for an hour and a half before being seen. Every 3 minutes I was having contractions causing so much pain to the point I took myself to bathroom just to sit on the floor as I was told that I wasn't allowed to sit on the floor in the waiting area of the emergency room. A few hours later after what seemed to be a buttload of morphine and other pain relief the ultrasound was conducted and I saw my baby, measuring at 8 weeks, even though I was at 10 weeks. My baby finally started to look like a real baby, it's body shape was forming and it broke my heart completely when I didn't see the heartbeat. I knew at this moment that I had a miscarriage and it was out of my control. I was seen and spoken to by multiple doctors, and was given 4 tablets which were to help flush out my system and all of the pregnancy tissue. Then I was sent home. That night I had passed a lot of blood clots and was bleeding out all over my bed, but once the passing had started my pain had disappeared. 

February 25th 2021, I began to have pain again. This time it felt as though I was going to die. The only relief I had was from sitting in the shower, and this helped but only for the first two hours. I couldn't stand to be in the shower any longer so I laid on my bed, but at this point I was throwing up from the amount of pain I was in. This continued on for a few hours before Rhys called the ambulance for me, once more. Screaming and throwing up and feeling like I was dying, the ambulance arrived and were able to give me pain relief and other medication to help with my nausea. I was taken to the emergency room where I would continue to be sick until they gave me a shot which helped calm my nausea, I was able to sleep for 2 hours and then around 8am the next morning I was taken for another ultrasound. 

February 26th 2021, the ultrasound had been completed and they informed me that there was still a lot of tissue inside that needed to be removed. When I was brought back to my bed the OB team came to talk to me about getting surgery to get everything out. I agreed that this was the best option and called Rhys to let him know what was going to happen. It was about 1pm at this point. The next thing I know I was getting taken up to the operating room where I would be put under with general anaesthetic and they would perform the procedure. I remember trying to fight the anaesthesia but ultimately I wasn't going to win. I remember waking up in my recovery room and looking at the clock which said 5:30pm, and all I wanted was a drink and some food. They informed me that everything went well and to take some medication to help with the pain. Throughout the rest of the night I had a very broken sleep, due to the constant testing they had to do to me. 

February 27th 2021, the morning after surgery. I woke up at 5:30am and had breakfast at 8am. I was seen by the doctor around 10am and she said that I was fine to go home as I was not in anymore pain and the bleeding had calmed, and all I needed to do was rest for the next few weeks and to see my GP in a months time. After everything that has happened, it is safe to say that I am not scared to try again for another baby, but will be taking every precautions necessary to ensure that I am safe and healthy. I will be taking a long break from trying again, but for the time being will be focusing on getting myself back on my feet, focusing on my life with my amazing fiancé and moving forward in my career.

 Even though I was only pregnant for 2 months, I loved every moment of the experience. I loved the thought of becoming a mother and to share this with somebody that I love so much made it even better. I cant begin to imagine what it must have been like for Rhys to sit and watch me go through everything that I have this last week, and I can't say enough that he has been amazing throughout this whole process and has supported me in so many ways. We all deal with grief differently, and I think since I've had the surgery, that was my way of letting go of what had happened and will help me heal and move on from this. 

[myjourneybysarah]

the flawless

• Kind • Helpful • Budgeting • Learning new things about myself and my health • Getting help • Quitting smoking • Going to the gym and PT • Desire to do better • I drive • I take care of myself • I write • I read more books • I enjoy a clean home and environment • Working on routine • Job makes me more social • I get better after each clean • I quit the job that ruined my mental health and do something I enjoy

[myjourneybysarah]

the flaws

• Diabetes • Binge eating • BPD • Depression • Anxiety • Nightmares • Weight • Skin • Sensitivity • Sensory • Too much empathy • Speech and thought process • Speech to thought connection • Active listening • Laziness • Stomach • Scar tissue • Dependence • The need for taking care of others • Money issues; debt, borrowing, payback • Miscarriage • Social anxiety • Hardly any friends

[myjourneybysarah]

ever wondered what having BPD is like?

I was struggling a few weeks ago. I am glad I am part of a support group where I was comfortable enough to share this.

How do you stop that sick to your stomach feeling? When you can't control what you're significant other is doing or who they are talking to. I don't want to control it, I just want to know everything that is being said. And I hate it. I hate being so uncomfortable. I hate that I am so aware of what is wrong with me and how much I let this disorder control my life. I hate that i let it take over my relationship and is the main reason for our arguments. I am so aware of my problems and habits and behaviours but the fact that I can't control them yet, is killing us. He can't handle it anymore and I can't handle not knowing everything. I have trust issues because of what he has done in the past but how do I move on from it? We are trying Relationships Australia and hoping that will help us. Otherwise, we might just have to leave it. Our whole relationship has been happening during Covid and Lockdown. Everything happened so fast and I am just scared that I am missing out on a lot of things and settling for him because he paid attention to me in the beginning and now I just treat him like I am his mother. Main questions are:

1. How do I deal with not being in control of his actions?

2. How do I help him see the struggles I face when I fight with myself daily about being super aware of everything that is wrong but not being able to fix it?

3. How do I change my own behaviours and habits?

[myjourneybysarah]

day 1 of my menu plan.

I made creamy tuna pasta bake. I'll post my recipe below.

[myjourneybysarah]

project: food inventory

So I decided to give myself a little project last night. It started because I was about to write the shopping list for the week but then thought "what do we actually need?" which led to doing an inventory of all of our items (slight ADD if you couldn't tell... cleaning is a nightmare for my brain lol).

Starting with the fridge, freezer, pantry, spice cupboard and then onto the bathroom, laundry etc. from there I was able to see how much of each item we had and could basically figure out which items needed a top up and what we were missing. Following the inventory list I was able to make a two week menu based off the food that we already had and from there I was able to make the shopping list (finally), making sure that we didn't buy anything we didn't need. We only spent $100 for two weeks of meals, snacks and other essentials, which keeps us on track with our budget as well.

By making a menu as well it helps my partner when it comes to assisting me in the kitchen. He doesn't have any cooking experience at all, doesn't know how to prep food or how to judge if certain foods are cooked properly. Having the menu there inspired me to write out recipes as an aide for him as well. So whether he gathers all of the ingredients or he helps prep, he is still helping and we find that this is a good way for us to be close and to learn and have fun together.

[myjourneybysarah]

high school reminders

Just so you're aware, this is a rant. Proceed with caution, or be my guest and keep scrolling. Only you are in control of what you choose to do. Sometimes it's nice to get some things off your chest and maybe someone may be able to relate.

I truly do wonder what it would have been like to have a regular high school experience. I dont remember anything from like year 8 onwards. I dont have many life long friends from it and I never experienced the camps, or trips, or dances, or debs, high school parties or even graduation. Not saying that this is a bad thing, or that I was never given the opportunity, because I was and I rejected and refused every opportunity to be a sheep in a world of skinny blond girls who didn't know how to match their foundation to their actual skin tone, who had their scene phase but found that drinking and supplying alcohol to their friends was what boosted their popularity and if you didn't come through, you weren't gonna make it in high school.

Just funny how certain experiences and life events can change the whole course of your life.

I don't care much for my first high school, from what I remember I had 1 best friend who ended up moving away and then I was hanging out with the wrong people somehow, after that I had 3 friends and that didn't really pan out once I moved.

Once I moved to the next school, which is by far the best out of the three. I had 3 friends. Only friends with one of them now and acquaintances with a few others. I was traumatised by my science teaching not believing me when I told him I had recently been diagnosed with diabetes, and when another teacher tried to stop me from fixing my hypo and having my dad go down to the school principal and have to educate the educators about a serious medical condition that could have caused me to die if I wasn't supported to treat it properly. Or this one time, in health class mind you, the teacher refusing to let me eat when I needed to because it might have made the other students want to eat too and we can't have disruption. Mind you, that same teacher saved my ass when it came down to more serious matters and for that I am forever grateful.

And as for the third school, I have my dearest friend who I will always cherish, but nothing else was very memorable about that school. Well apart from the fact that they highly focused on surfing, girls weren't allowed to wear pants or shorts and it was only until the end of my time there that they accommodated for diabetics at the school. It was always hot, their ants would have a field day if I ever sat on grass. On a good note though, I haven't done P.E since year 9 at Croydon. So fair to say I was lucky in that regard.

I am glad I didn't stay to do year 12 because I wasn't excelling very much in year 11, year 10 though, smashed it. I took the easy classes, I got a qualification in childcare and from then I haven't looked back. Came back to my home town, got a job and moved on with my life.

I thought I'd add too that to this day I will never understand the bus systems in Queensland, like the bus stop signs would say what road you are on, not where you are going, duper weird. Which is why I only took the bus twice and I wasn't alone in doing so. Oh and the fact your don't have local train stations and the fact that everything shuts at like 5pm is weird too.

But I still can't help but wonder how different things would have been if I didn't make a certain choice at the age of 13. Too young and dumb to know any better, being boy crazy, having fake friends and thinking they had your back.

But alas, I am almost 27, I am physically exhausted 80% of the time, I have multiple mental illnesses, I have a binge eating disorder, I am the heaviest I have ever been, I am constantly broke and if it weren't for people really close to me, I genuinely do not know what I would be doing right now.

Who ever said growing up is the best idea and your future holds so much potential, you're either right and have every and which way to make those things possible for yourself or you're lying. 9/10 people I know are in the same boat as me, but maybe that's just because of social economics or because we allow ourselves to feel like this way and allow things to get this bad. Who knows, I only speak for myself.