mybeautifultoxicsoul

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

✨ . . . . . . #poetry #prose #myobsession #alladream #thankunext #sothankfulforyou #loveyourself #selflove #mywords #sls #poetrycomminity #poetsoninstagram #instapoet #writer #writersoninstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B0BxYZhFugB/?igshid=1fv7iaghgyu1d

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

✨ . . . . . . . . #poem #poetry #poetrycommunity #poetsofinstagram #originalpoem #mypoem #spilledwords #love #selflove #beauty #words #positivity #mentalhealth #soul #heart #love #oldlovers #toxicsoul #heartbreak #movingon #relationships #depression #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #manicdepressive #mania https://www.instagram.com/p/Bz1B6gmlAPq/?igshid=15kgrpg4aymg0

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

The girl is back.

I’m so sorry I’ve been distant. I went through a very depressed and anxious time as I was finishing my semester. Then I had a terrible bout of writers block. But here I am. Enjoy.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

When I go to my dark places, I write.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

I discovered this writing style off of a fellow writer on IG. It’s called Matt’s ladder. The first line is one syllable and each line gains another all the way up to ten syllables. Once you hit ten, you descend back down to one. It was difficult, but I’m obsessed with the outcome. Try it, love it, keep writing ❤️

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

Life is worth living when you realize YOU’RE worth everything. Never give up. Please live your life to discover the joys that lie in wait for you.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

To The Girl After Me

He really isn’t that hard to understand

He’ll tell you what’s what

You just have to be smart

But even though you know he wants nothing serious

You hold out hope because you made you believe in eventually

“Eventually I’ll want a relationship”

“Eventually I’ll have my kids back”

“Eventually I’ll get married and have more kids”

“Eventually it’ll be you”

You’ll believe these eventuallys

Until 4.5 years later

When you’re carrying his unwanted eventually

And the reality of you being an eventually

Sinks

In

You will be broken...it’s okay...you’ll be okay

You deserve more than being an eventually

You deserve to be a now

The hurt of evacuating his eventually will subside

You will eventually forget the day

You will eventually be whole again

You just have to let life run its course

You are beautiful

You are loved

You are worth it

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

You’re not sorry

When you were around, the light in her eyes shined like they were the sun itself. 

The first time you left her, the dark seas in the distance drowned the sun.

Mt. Everest sized waves stood over her and threatened to wash her away like they did the light. She begged to be spared, and you came along in a tug boat and pulled her out.

This time though, the light was just a little more dim. Candles and flashlights scattered across the room fought to try and fill the void.

With each fight came a burst of wind that snuffed the candles and the light.

She fought to keep the room bright, but each time you left, she lost more and more of the sun’s light.

Eventually, the room went dark for good. The flashlights were dead. The candles bare wicks. The will to fight gone.

She wanted you to be sorry. She wanted you to feel remorse for taking her light.

But you’re not sorry, and you never will be.

Remorse isn’t a feeling you are capable of. You took a young, bright star and snuffed her light for your own enjoyment. 

She fights to shine. She fights to keep it going.

But it so very hard. You still linger in her mind, and you still have the ability to snuff her light even when you aren’t trying because you’re not sorry.

-sls.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

Learn to Smile, Bitch

We’re sitting in a bar. The smell of booze and loneliness surround me.

My sometimes lover kisses me and leaves for a smoke.

I’m alone at the bar watching the game lost in my thoughts.

“Hey sweetheart” a deep, smoke infected voice crows.

I look over, say hello, and look back at the television.

“What? You don’t know how to smile?” he throws back.

I respond, not with a smile, but with a finger.

I smile for the sun.

                    I smile for the rain.

                                        I smile for love.

I do not smile for you.

You do not deserve my smile just because you call me sweetheart.

You do not deserve my smile because you feel entitled to it.

You

       Do

             Not

                    Deserve

                                 Anything

He scoffs. I smirk. That sometimes lover comes back.

“Your girl is a bitch.”

“Oh, she may be a bitch,” he smirks, “but to that she is entitled because of people like you.”

He puts his arm around me, pulls me close, and I smile.

-sls.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

Who Am I?

Hi Beautiful People!

I decided to let you know who the person behind these musings is, because why not?

My name is Samantha Leigh. I usually go by Sam, but honestly, as the years go on, I don’t really have a preference anymore. I used to absolutely hate being called Samantha, but I’ve come to accept and even expect it.

I’m 27 years ancient and my birthday is August 19th.

I’m finishing up my junior year of undergrad and start my senior year in September. My major is Social Work and I’m minoring in Urban Studies and Community Development. I want to work with at risk youth once I graduate.

I have functional depression and anxiety, but that isn’t my definition. It’s merely a characteristic of myself. They used to control my life, but with a little help from therapy and writing, I have learned how to cope and how to live.

I have six tattoos and I’m saving for more.

I’ve been horseback riding since I was 12. It’s not a constant thing, but every time I get on the back of a horse it’s like I never stopped.

I had weight loss surgery in January 2015. I lost over 100 pounds and loved the hell out of myself. Once the depression hit me like a mac truck, I gained half of it back. However, once I get a handle on my demons, I plan to lose the weight I gained back plus the weight I still had left to lose.

Only two of my friends know about my tumblr. My roommate is the one that suggested I create one to release my poems, thoughts, and feelings. The other friend is a girl that has been one of my best friends since my junior year of high school. That’s 12 years there, peeps. She also has a release the demons blog on here, so I felt safe and comfortable telling her. 

A lot of people don’t know my past. I don’t open up a lot and I have the WORST trust issues (thanks anxiety.) This platform though, has allowed me to feel safe enough to talk about myself. If I ever decide to speak on my past, names will be changed, although if these people find this, I hope they realize the hurt they have caused me. But, I also want to thank those that have wronged me because they have allowed me to find my voice.

I want to be the escape and the help other people have been searching for. I am terrible at following advice, but I tend to think I am great at giving it. I’m an amazing listener and conversationalist, so if you come across this and just need someone to talk to, DO NOT HESITATE to message me.

I’m here for you, lovelies. 

-sls.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

Future

little girls dressed as brides

planning their future weddings

spinning in circles with imaginary lovers

bright eyes and wide smiles

hoping for a future love

grown girls dressed as loneliness

planning their future weddings

spinning in circles with empty bottles

dull eyes and hopeful smiles

hoping for a future love

sad girls dressed as hope

planning their future weddings

spinning in circles with fake lovers

empty eyes and forgiving smiles

hoping for a future love

-sls.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

I Miss You

Empty words

Empty promises

The words come like a knife in the back

You don’t miss me

You miss what I gave you

You miss my willingness to submit

You miss my body

You miss having me at your disposal

I tell you why you cannot have me

You want to talk about it

There is nothing more to talk about

I am a hallow shell of my old self

I miss me

I miss my soul

I miss my mind

And I cannot have those if you miss me

-sls.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

Today in therapy I was forced to face my most unhealthy coping mechanism because of some issues that I have recently been burdened with. For as long as I can remember, I have used men and my relations with them as a way of forgetting my woes. The nights I had with them gave me a few fleeting moments from the horrors that I perceived as my life. I allowed myself to bury my feelings in them and forget that anything ‘bad’ was happening to me. They gave me the comfort and attention that I was so desperately seeking. For a single night, the focus would be on me and my happiness and less on how bad I actually felt.

More often than not, women find themselves in these scenarios. They use the attention from men to validate themselves and their place in this world. We as women tend to forget that in the end, the only person who truly has our backs is ourselves. Why is this? Why do we seek the comfort of men instead of the comfort of our own selves? Why do we use the attention they give us to make us believe we have a place in this world? Why don’t we give ourselves that place?

I tend to think we are afraid to face our own demons. I know for damn sure I am. That’s why I see a therapist once a week, because without her, I would never face them. I want to be the woman I want me to be. For the longest time, I was the woman that the man I was currently giving my whole self wanted me to be. I was a chameleon and I changed my personality, attitude, and values for these few fleeting moments. 

Today, my therapist challenged me to lay out the way I want to meet my future husband. I want those stupid, awkward beginning stages. I want to be asked my favorite colors, flowers, foods, etc...I want to be able to open up and show my most vulnerable side. I want to be able to take my baggage and their baggage and throw them in the center of the floor and sort through it. I want us to know who each other truly is before we even think to take our relationship to the physical level. I want to feel like someone’s world because I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be wanted, not because I gave them my body.

So, I challenge you, Reader. If you are in the same boat as me, I want you to sit back and think about what you truly want. If it is what you are currently doing, I commend you for being your true self. However, if it is vastly different than your future goals, I want you to do the same as me. I want you to re-evaluate your actions and thoughts. I want you to love and empower yourself. I don’t want you to use another to validate yourself. Because like I said, we are really the only people that really, truly have our backs. People leave. You cannot leave yourself. Be happy. Be loved. Be true.

-sls.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

The Lie

I had a dream last night

And in that dream I was happy

And in that dream I was wrapped in the arms of my lover

And in that dream we danced as if there was no one around

And in that dream I felt safe and loved

My lovers face was blurred, but I knew he was strong

His lips were soft, and I found myself drawn to them

Over and over and over again

He held me tight as if he was afraid to let me go

I couldn’t see his face, but still, it was the only face I saw

I had a dream last night

And in that dream I was happy

And I woke this morning

Wrapped in the arms of my dream lover

I rolled over to kiss good morning

Just to be greeted by Depression

I had a dream last night

And in that dream

I lived a lie

-sls.

[mybeautifultoxicsoul]

Euphoria

Don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t know my story completely. 

You don’t know how I feel You have no clue what I go through day after day The pain I feel night after night You don’t know how often my eyes flood and overflow with the dreams  I’ve been chasing for years and years

but can’t seem to grip onto

It’s almost like playing catch with yourself Instead of a ball, its a bar of soap And every time you think you’ve a grip on what you want

It slips from your grasp

The sun has been out more often and even still my days are dark I’m missing you. I’m missing life. I’m missing

Me

I don’t understand how people can be so happy all the time What’s it like? To be genuinely happy  To feel the sun on your face To close your eyes and know

You’ll be okay That’s all I want To feel the sun on my face To close my eyes To open them and see my happiness To feel it around me

No more sadness No more pain No more feeling empty

Just Me. And Happiness. 

Euphoria.