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If Impostor Syndrome has you feeling like a fraud, read this:

I’m not good enough.

I’m not clever enough.

I’m not motivated enough.

I’m simply just not enough.

From my own experience, and from what I’ve been told by friends and colleagues, thoughts about not being good enough are common during PhD. It’s  this overwhelming, crippling feeling that you’re some kind of fraud and that you don’t belong in academia. That feeling has a name: Impostor Syndrome (IS).  

Disclaimer: Although I’ll be talking mainly about IS and academia, IS can strike in any career path or any part of your life.

IS is regarded as a physiological phenomenon, and not a mental illness, where people believe they lack crucial skills despite evidence or past experiences that demonstrate their capabilities. Interestingly, when the term was first used (by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance way back in the 1970s), it was associated with high-powered, successful women. Nowadays, it’s more broadly noted as a phenomenon anyone and everyone can experience. It has been linked to disorders such as Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) which focuses more on the social element of feeling like you don’t belong. 

My own personal experience with IS is ongoing but I first noticed it when I returned to my PhD following a medical-related break. I knew I was behind with my work, despite obtaining an extension, and I couldn’t help but compare my progress with other people in my department. I’d constantly have this lingering feeling that I wasn’t clever enough and I ignored the fact I’d successfully completed two degrees prior to being selected for my PhD by telling myself I got lucky. At it’s worst, my IS got to the point where I was so frightened of going to the lab to start an experiment in case I made a mistake and I was revealed as a fraud. Naturally, though, progressing is all about making mistakes. Trial and error.

I can’t sit here and give you tips and tricks for managing feelings of IS or breaking free of its grip completely. As I said, it’s still something that I experience regularly. However, the most important step that I’ve found to help is recognising that what you’re feeling is IS. Being able to put a name to those intrusive thoughts can give you an explanation of sorts and, to an extent, it allows you to alleviate some of the blame and pressure you’re placing on yourself. I also found that a simple Google search of “Impostor Syndrome” and “Impostor Syndrome in academia” provided me with so much useful information - be it self-help, the history of IS or just an acknowledgment that it’s a common phenomenon and I’m not alone. I would like to say though, If this is seriously affecting your day-to-day life and you feel as though you’re struggling, please consider reaching out and talking to somebody. I’m a huge advocate of counselling/therapy and verbalising your intrusive thoughts in a safe place can really help the process of understanding, managing and healing.

If you’re reading this and you relate to some of the things I’ve said, please feel free to share your experience of IS or similar situations (only if you’re comfortable to do so). My Ask Me Anything is always open and I’m more than happy for you to reblog this and add your own comments.

Here are some websites/information sources that helped me understand IS and also write this post:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/sep/19/fraud-impostor-syndrome-confidence-self-esteem

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/real-women/201809/the-reality-imposter-syndrome

https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469

https://theresearchwhisperer.wordpress.com/2016/02/02/imposter-syndrome/ (adacemia and IS specifically)

Until next time!

[misstodr-blog]

Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

So, my review went... alright? 

I hope you read that sentence in a very unnerving, confused tone because that’s how I feel. The board appeared to be happy with my progress and were aware of the constraints I’m facing at the moment. I raised a few issues which I don’t think were listened to but, nevertheless, it’s over for another 6 months. Hopefully within these next 6 months I can crack out some great research that will impress my next board and get me a few steps closer to my end goal.

The first week back is always so full on. I didn’t achieve all of the writing that I wanted to achieve and the added stress of my review made me have a mini meltdown. I still feel like a fraud, as if I’m not good enough to be doing a PhD and that everyone will realise how rubbish I am. From conversations I’ve had with fellow PhDs/friends/post-docs, it’s a common feeling for academics and, for that reason, it’s going to be the subject of my next post. Not sure when I’ll write that though, I don’t think it qualifies as the PhD writing I’ve scheduled myself to get done! Procrastination is a bitch.

To tackle this mini meltdown and try to alleviate some of the worries circulating my brain, I went for a seaside walk (see above picture). The sea is my happy place - the fresh air and beautiful surroundings help me to breathe/relax. If you’re having one of those days, I definitely recommend getting out and about or just changing up the scenery a little bit. Your desk will still be there when you get back! I’m also giving myself this evening and tomorrow - I have a dentist appointment which prevents me commuting to the office - to spend with my partner. It’s all about balance and learning to allow yourself that balance.

Hope you’ve all had a good weekend! 

[misstodr-blog]

Happy New Year!

How are we already nine days into 2019? 

Lucky me managed to catch the winter cold going around which meant I mostly slept (and coughed) through the Christmas break. Despite planning to get most of my review paper written before term starts again, nothing really materialised and now I’ve got a slightly tighter schedule to work to. I would say “New Year, New Me” but that is very much old me and she’s clearly staying.

I’ve got my 6-month PhD review tomorrow. Usually, I’m pretty stressed in the days leading up to it but I think I’m okay. I had a look at the comments my primary supervisor put on my form and my progress has been ticked as excellent! That definitely doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot of work to do, because believe me I do(!), but it feels good to know that there’s a bit of belief in me and my work. 

I’ll keep this pretty short, I just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year and touch base after my first post :) I’ve got a few ideas of some posts I want to write in addition to my PhD updates so keep your eyes peeled!

[misstodr-blog]

Goodbye, 2018

Today is my last day in the office of 2018. When I return, on the 7th of January, it will be 2019 and it will be the year I aim to hand in my PhD thesis (or at least have the bulk of it done and reviewed over Christmas). Fuck.

When I started my PhD, I had ideas upon ideas for experiments and tonnes of enthusiasm and motivation. So much so, that I was told my thesis plan actually consisted of 3 or 4 theses and that I needed to narrow my thinking and not give myself too much work. I absolutely loved the research field, which I’d been dipping in and out of for the past few years, and I had confidence in both my work and my work ethic. 

Oh boy, how things have changed.

These past 2 and a bit years have been really difficult, to say the least. I’ve faced personal issues and work-related issues - all of which I want to share on this platform... anonymously. Mental health has received more and more attention this past year and I’ve seen so many people trying to (and succeeding in!!) opening up the dialogue and breaking down the stigma surrounding it. My aim is to do so in an academic context. To show fellow Early Career Researchers (ECRs) that they are not alone in how they feel and also to act as a reminder to check on your friends, colleagues, supervisors, students. 

So, with that being said, I’d like to welcome you to my blog. And my mind.