Things that are stuck in my brain. Currently: apparently not very much. But coming (to life) soon: Frankenstein M.D.
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You keep writing, we’ll keep reading. Your blog is very real and very necessary record of what it’s like to be stuck in a broken, dehumanizing system. I would be more worried somehow if you weren’t feeling anxious and depressed...
a very sappy thank you
I’ve been stressed, okay even more stressed, today. Actually, depressed is probably a more honest statement. Liz came over to get the girls this morning so I could go work at the hospital and with an extra hour and a lot of anxiety I decided to read my attorney’s appeal brief about the unsupervised visits. Then the judge’s words kept echoing in my head and I got really sad. During the past year at all of the hearings, she’s shot down even the smallest requests for Sandy and without even hearing half of the trial she’s made it clear again and again her intent to unify Sandy with her family.
But you know all of that. Today anxiety stepped aside for depression and after laying on my bed for 3 hours I forced myself out the door to work. I couldn’t stop thinking about how the Judge must know something about justice that I don’t. Or maybe she’s just a nicer, more forgiving person than I am and she views me with disgust in trying to take someone else’s baby. And then I remind myself that I didn’t take Sandy. And I’m not even the one arguing for her adoption. Well, I sort of am, I have an attorney- but the appeal and everything else is led by ACS and the law guardian.
With the kids finally in bed I wrote my babble piece. It’s still a mess. It’s nothing profound, but damn do I feel better. And it reminded me again that blogging is so my thing. I’ve been writing my grief with the world like a maniac since I was young. When I started this tumblr, I didn’t expect any readers. It was just an irresistible format to organize my thoughts. And then you guys started showing up and it felt good to have someone else hear me out. And then to add likes and supportive comments- it’s very nice. Thank you.
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Thanks for the update, Bernie. I look forward to whatever PD does next!
Hi Bernie! I know it's been a while but I was just wondering if Emma Approved Season 2 is still happening? I remember when the finale aired a few years ago, you said it was always planned that the series would go beyond the book but that you weren't sure how. Just wondering if it is still a possibility or if it's been shelved. Loved LBD and EA! Thanks :)
Hey there,
Well at this point I think it’s very unlikely. When Emma Approved won the Emmy last year, I really thought that was gonna be the momentum we needed to push us into a new season.
A hit Primetime Emmy winning web series that had a clear direction of how to become a format, that wasn’t TV expensive. With all these new video on demand app platforms, I really thought we’d get something going. Unfortunately nothing ever came to fruition.
Now, no 2nd season of EA doesn’t mean we’ll never see those characters again. And the likeliness of a new Pemberley show is still possible.
I’ll admit that there was one PD show that I thought we were going to fire off this fall, but my schedule took a massive change of direction. I’m not saying this to tease, but that I do still think about how and what to do next with Pemberley Digital. And of course if PD does fire off a new show, you know that we’ll try to connect the universes like we did with Caroline x Emma.
Anyway, I’m really happy that you and so many other fans enjoyed both LBD and EA. I’m personally very satisfied with where both shows stand in the history of web series and Austen adaptations.
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pride and prejudice according to the lizzie bennet diaries
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Since joining Tumblr, I’ve met a lot of young queer people. Look, I’m a bisexual man in a gay relationship, and I’m approaching 30. I was still a kid when Matthew Shepard’s story was being covered on the news. I remember thinking, “I better keep my mouth shut about these feelings I’m having.”
And then I met Dominic when I was 12, and people could see how in love we were. And we got the shit beat out of us. The year I met him, some kids in the grade above me held me down against the bleachers in our gym and stomped on my hand until my fingers broke. Instead of sending me to the nurse, the teacher sent me to the assistant principal to explain the situation. She asked why the kids had beat me up. I said, “They were calling me gay.”
Her response was, “Well, are you?”
My, “I don’t know,” earned a call to my parents, and I was outed. Efforts were made to keep me from seeing Dom. Throughout high school, Dom’s stepmother intensified these efforts. He slept in the basement of the house. Although he was an incredibly talented student, he was prohibited from participating in any extracurriculars. He suffered a lot of physical abuse during those years.
The day he turned 18, he packed up everything he had and walked to my house, and we’ve lived together ever since. Things are better, but they’re not perfect. I’ve had trucks pull up next to me at stoplights and, seeing the pride sticker on my car, through old drinks and garbage into my window. I no longer speak to my dad’s side of the family. I haven’t been to see them for Christmas or Thanksgiving in years. One of my uncles had cornered me at Thanksgiving when I was 17 and said, “I’m not going to judge you, but I’d be happy to break your neck so God can do the judging a little sooner.”
I joined a support group for trans and intersex people. When I joined, 40 people attended regularly. Within the year, the group was half the size it had been. Some couldn’t make it anymore, because they were staying at the shelter, where their stay hinged on them agreeing to instead to attend homophobic sermons. Some were put in correctional therapy. Five of them died. Three of those, I didn’t know, but I knew Alex, the 19 year old who was fag-dragged in Kentucky and died a day later in the hospital, and I knew Stephanie, who went home to Alabama to care for her mom in hospice and was beaten to death with a baseball bat by her mom’s boyfriend.
Tumblr is not reality. The dynamic here does not reflect the dynamic out there. Here’s the part where I finally make a point, and it might be extremely unpopular - but guys, value your allies. Value each other. We are met with enough hate in our daily lives to enter an online safe-space and meet more hate from our own, over petty things. Don’t go after one another over every little thing you find problematic.
Learn to see nuance. Maybe the word “queer” bothers you, and you see a gay man using it as an umbrella term. Maybe someone called a trans man a trans woman because they’re confused about terminology, but the post where they did it was voicing support for the trans community. Maybe someone is just asking a question, wanting to learn more. Stop. Attacking. These. People.
Allies are being driven away. Members of our own community are being ostracized. Others are feeling nervous and estranged, and it’s largely because of places like Tumblr, where the social justice movement is quickly becoming violent and radical. I am begging you, stop nitpicking “problematic” things and start directing your efforts to create real change. When it comes to comes to your allies, forget the “social justice warrior” mentality and put down your torch. Educate calmly. Be respectful. Be understanding. Be forgiving. And I’m certainly not saying that your anger doesn’t have a good place - when you are met with bigots on the street, congress members who want to pass hateful laws, violent protesters, abusive parents, prejudiced teachers, that is when you need to be a warrior. That’s when it counts. In the real world. When you have the opportunity to protect people from real harm. Attacking your would-be allies via anonymous asks is just going to lose us ground in the long run. And we don’t have time for that, not when trans women of color are being murdered every day, not when states are still fighting against marriage equality, not when there are politicians in office who believe that trans people are possessed by demons, not when we’ve just lost 50 brothers and sisters to one gunman, not when the media won’t even admit that the attack was homophobic.
Please step back. Look at the big picture. Look at where we are, globally. Don’t just log on to your safe space and attack your allies over small missteps. That’s like washing the dishes in a house that’s on fire, kids. Let’s fight on the battlefield, and when we come home to each other, let’s just focus on bandaging up our wounds so we can go out and win the war.
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This is simply insane. My heart goes out to Sandy, Rebecca, Blitzen, Andrew, Carrie, and their families.
Court Summary: Guest Post by Andrew of Fosterwee
“I’ve attended Blitzen’s permanency hearings for 4.5 years but don’t understand the legalities around them. I especially don’t understand Sandy’s case or what happened in court yesterday, but won’t let that stop me from sharing my muddled perspective.
Act One was the typical Kafkaesque learned helplessness absurdity that defines family court. The sworn permanency report was entered into the official record. Rebecca’s lawyer noted that most of the information in the permanency report was factually wrong, including listing the wrong judge and all the wrong case workers.
Nobody seemed surprised by this.
The judge asked the agency case worker who submitted the report to take the stand. Rebecca’s lawyer questioned her under oath. The case worker agreed that the report she had submitted into evidence was largely inaccurate. The reason that it was inaccurate is that many (most?) of the fields are automatically filled in through an online ACS database called Connections. The case workers aren’t able to edit the auto-filled fields so they knowingly submit inaccurate information.
I was stunned. Nobody else in the courtroom seemed at all surprised.
Rebecca’s lawyer went through the permanency report section by section pointing out errors. The case worker, new on the job almost by definition, acknowledged that she didn’t know much about the case but agreed that most of the listed information was both auto-filled and wrong.
Nobody suggested that any of the data be corrected or that the submission of correct data to the court was either preferable or possible.
(Quick learned helpless tangent. I was recently in the tiny office of a family court lawyer and it was sweltering. The court lawyer was complaining about the heat and said that she’d been miserably hot in that office every day for three years and that nothing could be done about it. Our lawyer noticed a thermostat in the office and suggested that the court lawyer turn it to a lower temperature. Impossible, said that court lawyer, those thermostats don’t work. My lawyer tried the thermostat. Cool air immediately flooded the room. Court lawyer was ecstatic and called it life-changing. In three years she had never actually tried the thermostat. Nobody in Rebecca’s courtroom had ever tried to edit a permanency report in Connections; they exist in a world where nothing works.)
Act Two was about Sandy’s permanency goal. The judge announced the continued goal of adoption. All parties agreed. As an afterthought, the attorney for birth mom suggested that the goal also be listed as return to parent. The judge agreed that return to parent was also Sandy’s goal. ACS lawyer said fine, concurrent planning, as long as the record reflects that the real permanency goal is adoption. Everyone affirmed again that Sandy’s real permanency goal is adoption, but that reunification was also a goal
This was one of several parts of the hearing that I’m confused about. What does it mean to have two diametrically opposite permanency goals? Isn’t that similar to having no permanency goal? Noncurrent planning, as Carrie calls it.
Act Three was where things got surreal and depressing. The judge asked if anyone wanted to make a motion to change visitation plan. Nobody did – not birth mom, Rebecca, Sandy’s law guardian, the agency or ACS. It looked like the hearing was over.
Then the judge made a speech and said that she was changing the visitation schedule anyway and that Sandy should have unsupervised community visits with birth mom. The judge called them sandwich visits, meaning either they’d begin and end at the agency or that Sandy will live forever sandwiched between worlds and never be able to attach to the bread.
The moment the judge uttered the word “unsupervised,” three lawyers leapt up with shocked looks and began to lawyer-scream at the judge.
The ACS attorney was stunned, adamant and fierce. She said this was unheard of and couldn’t happen. She mentioned the parallel hearing taking place and suggested the judge should listen to that testimony first. She talked about evidence the judge should read, with experts saying that unsupervised visits were a bad idea.
Rebecca’s attorney was passionate and focused her arguments on Sandy’s safety. She and Rebecca are fully knowledgeable about the history of the case and she cited many reasons why unsupervised visits would fly in the face of the established facts.
Sandy’s attorney argued that it didn’t make sense to switch Sandy’s schedule now and gently-but-firmly offered the compromise of holding the visitation change in abeyance pending the result of the other hearing.
I felt sure that the combination of the three attorney’s powerful arguments would convince the judge to postpone her plan. But no. The judge insisted that unsupervised community visits begin now, for the first time in Sandy’s life, over the objections of ACS, the agency, the foster parent and the law guardian.
Stunningly, the judge seemed to base her decision on a sentence in the permanency report that suggested that birth mom visits at the agency were going well. Yes, that’s the discredited permanency report riddled with inaccuracies, written by the new case worker with help from auto-fill.
The judge also noted that this case would go on for a long time, seemingly tipping her hand to some of her upcoming rulings.
Rebecca, through her attorney, asked the judge what this meant in the big picture. Is the goal still adoption? How long will her life and Sandy’s life remain on hold? I didn’t hear an answer, or any acknowledgement that permanency matters in the life of a child or a foster parent.
I’m devastated and furious that Sandy has spent all 1200 of her days in foster care. I don’t see a path out for years to come. I believe that Sandy will spend her fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh birthdays without permanency or security which will have long-term consequences for her developing brain.
Sandy is a powerless three year-old whose fate is in the hands of judges she’ll never meet. We, Rebecca’s Fosterhood community, have experience, relative power and a collection of privileges. How can we activate to support Sandy, Blitzen’s siblings and the children, parents and foster parents trapped in a system that damages all of us?”
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Signal boost!
It might be press time
It’s starting to sink in what the attorneys said about the direction the judge is turning this case- this may mean life or death for Sandy.
For years hundreds of you have contacted me about doing major press pieces but all I’ve been willing to do is the NPR piece and cutesy articles about fostering.
Logan is here and she mentioned how after a baby is killed there’s always an article that highlights all of the mistakes made in a case. This case has all of that and more. Wouldn’t it make sense to write the article before the child dies?
I can provide the right reporter with a dream packet of past press and public documents related to this case. Logan just said out loud “It sounds so dramatic to say life or death, but in this case it really is”.
To cause the right rumble, it would have to be someone from The Post, The Times, The Daily News, Or the right national outlet.
Will you spread the word?
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a) Hey, those ‘college boys’ tip surprisingly well. And some of them are kind of cute.
b) I saw Mary’s storyline coming a mile away, but was afraid it wouldn’t happen. And then it did and it was adorbs. Yay!
Hi! I just finished reading The Epic Adventures of The Lydia Bennet and I really enjoyed it!! I was wondering, what was your favorite part of writing a novel? In general or this one in particular. Thank you!
Ah, the part where it’s over and you can’t make any last minute changes or second guess yourself or worry about how many deadlines you’ve already missed!
Actually, all those things are very wonderful, but there was something I really loved about (co-)writing this novel in particular, but it’s a little bit spoilery, so I’m going to put the answer under a cut.
SPOILERS AHOY.
Keep reading
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This is the first page of In the Dark, which, I am sure you all know by now because I’m pushing it pretty hard (I’M SORRY), we are trying to quickly raise funds for to shoot on the YouTube Space set for Halloween.
I really want to make this. We’ve got a script I’m really happy with, an opportunity to save literally thousands of dollars, and built in promotion from YouTube because this is part of a thing I’m not allowed to talk about yet. But I’m not itching to make this ~just to make something,~ as nice as that is. I really want to make this. And I think you guys will like it. Honestly, I do.
So many of you have been so supportive of my writing and projects, and I really appreciate that. This is your chance to see the most ~me~ project yet. It’s not LBD. It’s not under the constraints of a company, or co-writers, or another director.
Not everyone can afford to donate, I super duper get that. But if you wouldn’t mind sharing it, that helps! Whether on tumblr or twitter or Facebook or in any communities you’re a part of that would appreciate more queer content. I know they’re out there!
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Fun fact: in Romanian, a bookworm is called “şoarece de bibliotecă” which translated to “library mouse” :)
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Pemberley Digital + People of Colour.
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Cool Maps of Fictional Literary Places
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One year on, my heart still aches. This is just one of many reminders of what we had, and what we lost.
A tribute to the man who pretty much represents childhood, Robin Williams.
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Love this book
Karen Joy Fowler, We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves
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My Favourite Faded Fantasy - Damien Rice: An impromptu (and belated) review
There are albums that fill a void in your music library, that you are glad to have paid for, that are necessary to your musical education.
A few of these albums may end up being satisfying for external reasons, as a badge or as something you’ve earned somehow. Those are the albums that impress your date, that you remember discovering in that great indie shop on College Street, that justify you calling yourself a fan of genre X.
Then there are albums you need, that come to you at the right time, that become essential ingredients for your musical nourishment. These albums generate cravings and resonate deep inside you, often for reasons beyond the notes and the words.
Damien Rice’s third studio album, for me, falls into the second category. I listened to it the first time as I was reading about meditation (as you might do when you’re at home alone on a Wednesday and realize you have no life plan). I wasn’t expecting it to accompany the texts I was reading so perfectly. But I accepted this small gift and I let the concepts of mindfulness and being present without judgment sink in while Rice sang about similar themes (“Come alone, come with fear, come with love, come however you are”).
That Rice’s lyrics resonate with such themes may be no coincidence, since he thanks Stephen Mitchell (assuming it’s this one, the translator of sacred texts) “for lessons on discipline” in the liner notes. And I’d agree there is wisdom and self-awareness in this album, as though Rice chose to share where he’s at and what he’s learned on his journey, as a man and as a musician.
Not that I would necessarily call this album meditative, or peaceful. On the other hand, I heard less angst in his voice and his lyrics compared to his first two albums. It’s probably a dangerous practice to compare albums, but I can’t help arrive at a favourite musician’s work without hearing echoes or feeling wistful about past tracks I’ve known and loved for years. So, before I get into some of the weeds, let me just say that this album builds on and adds to his previous work in ways that make me deeply grateful he decided to release eight more tracks into the world… but that the only thing that I missed from O and 9 was Lisa Hannigan’s voice. I kept hearing perfect places for her voice to slip in, and regretted that I only heard it in my head. At times, it almost felt like Rice was singing to someone who had stopped answering back, and that made me just a little bit sad. But then I decided to take the album as it is, let go of regret, and just be grateful for the music.
This is definitely an album that should be listened to as a whole, but I wanted to offer some thoughts on individual tracks - just for the fun of it.
My Favourite Faded Fantasy. After living with this album for a time, I have come to believe this track may not have been the best choice to start the album, to get us reacquainted with him after eight years’ absence. I can’t put my finger on exactly what doesn’t work for me, other than I deeply missed Lisa Hannigan’s presence at the 2-minute mark. So it’s not my favourite, but I know by the time the electric guitar fades at the end of this 6-minute track that something really special is coming.
It Takes a Lot to Know a Man. A powerful, standout track, probably the one I responded to most viscerally. At 9:33, it’s also the longest track, and it shifts through a series of moods, strings soaring through it (perhaps inspired by recording in Iceland?). The lyrics drag me to attention every time I hear them. I’m never disappointed when it pops up when I’m in shuffle mode, even if I’ve already heard it twice that day already.
The Greatest Bastard. It starts as a simple palate cleanser, with acoustic guitar and Rice’s unique voice, until the instrumentation builds and builds along with wordless vocals. Thematically and even in part of the mixing, it reminds me of Gotye’s Someone I Used to Know (minus Kimbra and/or Lisa Hannigan’s response).
I Don’t Want to Change You. I initially went back and forth on this track. There is a French expression, “être laissé sur sa faim”, which roughly translates as “to be left hungry”, and that’s how I initially felt about this track. It starts with so much promise and I’d get drawn into it… but then it wouldn’t reach quite as high as I expect it to, and I’d be left slightly disappointed. But that expectation has faded with repeated plays, and the resolution now sounds to me just as it should be.
Colour Me In. Similar to the previous track, something is missing for me at the end of this one, where it feels like Rice gave up on it, and leaves us hanging. I’m not sure if this is a deliberate effect, and I don’t mind it as much when I listen to the entire album. But as a stand-alone track, it’s tied with Track 1 as my least favourite.
The Box. Another powerful track, the shortest at 4:30. No matter what I’m doing when it comes on, it grabs me and forces me to pay attention. It reminds me of Rice’s previous work, and I can recognize its lineage – definitely in a good way, like when you suddenly see a parent’s features emerge in a new baby’s face. The instrumental arrangement at the end is an impressive match for his voice, and gives me shivers every time.
Trusty and True. I feel as though this track was two separate songs that were stitched together: a first, slightly bland folk song, which morphs into a beautiful invocation to “just come”, accompanied by a wide range of instruments that echoes some of my favourite Irish tunes from my Celtic-obsessed days (the whistle seems pulled directly from The Chieftan’s Rocky Road to Dublin).
Long Long Way. Quiet to the point of breathlessness, Rice offers us an elegant conclusion to his third album. In particular, the final lyrics “not enough” represent exactly what I’m thinking – despite its imperfections, this album is a gem that always ends too quickly for me (but really, as with gems, does there exist a truly flawless record?). All I can do is press “Repeat”.
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Watch: This whole interview is honestly so refreshing
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LBD sequel, according to my subconscious
I had a vivid dream last night that Bernie Su decided to film a sequel to the LBD in Thailand, with Lizzie fending off the charms of a very attractive doctor (who was black, with striking blue eyes and an English accent). The opening sequence required Lizzie to ride into a jungle camp on a glider following the course of a lazy brown river. This then turned out to be the reason behind the entire idea for the sequel: Bernie wanted to ride the glider with the camera and couldn't find the time off to do it. I woke disappointed that: 1) there is no LBD sequel, 2) Bernie is probably not getting a tropical holiday or glider ride soon, and 3) the fictional doctor/actor was a figment of my imagination. Fun dream though.
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