#fosterhood

[foster-the-world]

$50k??

Did anyone else read the Cut article about the women who was scammed out of $50k. WTF?? Right? It doesn’t make any sense, right?? I can understand older people getting scammed. Or people thinking they fell in love and handing over cash. But who the hell hands over $50k in a shoebox on the same day the scam started? What kind of marriage do these people have? How can you not tell your spouse? WTF?

Also, did anyone else read the Emily Gould article about her psych ward time and following desire for a divorce. I read and enjoyed her husbands book about raising their “spirited” child. I also have a false sense of knowing them because they are good friends with Rebecca of Fosterhood. Both her and Asia get a shout out in the book. Of course, the sense of knowing is extra false because I don’t even know Rebecca. I did meet her once at the party for Jacket - so at least it’s a little actual knowing.

As I have nothing to do I’m reading all of the articles and listening to all of the podcast.

[dearfosterhoodrebecca-blog]

Hoping:

that in this very difficult time Rebecca, Clem and Sandy are together and safe.  That Asia is doing well and spending time with them.  That some how all the craziness of the rest of the world is creating a tiny circle of calm good sense and permanency WITH SAFETY is happening.  Hoping with desperation that something good is happening in NYC’s family court for a family we all care so very much about.  

Wishing @fosterwee could reassure us again.  And, being so afraid. So terribly afraid.

[fosterwee]

Fosterwee Update, 2017

Hi Friends.  Quick update from the Harlem home of Fosterwee.

Blitzen, Carrie and I officially adopted each other in September, 2016, nearly 10 years after Blitzen entered the foster care system.  Blitzen has grown into a brilliant, fierce and fashionable teenager with remarkable talents and wonderful friendships.  To know her is to be smitten.

Blitzen’s youngest sister moved out of our home in 2016, and is permanently with her father.  (Yay for permanency!)  Her oldest sister Dancer, 17, has been in our care since October, 2016.  Three of Blitzen’s siblings are beginning their 11th year in foster care with no permanency in site.

Carrie and I remain passionate about creating a child welfare system that works for kids, parents and communities.  We believe that public policy should support families.  We believe that undoing institutional racism would lead to better outcomes.   We believe that permanency is essential for the health of children. 

We believe in #PermanencyforSandy. We love Rebecca, Sandy and Clementine and miss the Fosterhood blog, which was a huge inspiration for us.

Two active blogs we appreciate are AdoptiveBlackMom and The (Foster) Moms Must Be Crazy.

I’m addicted to Twitter: andrewhume

Carrie and I sincerely appreciate all the virtual love and support we’ve received over the last 5+ years, thanks to the potent combination of Blitzen’s inimitable spirit and Carrie’s ability to capture it in prose.  We’re thinking about jumping back into blogging someday.  Meanwhile, we’re delighted to connect with folks advocating for a humane, equitable child welfare system.

Peace, Andrew

[rothjuje]

Wow guys, thanks for taking the time to answer such a personal question on my last post.

I think I’ve spent too much time looking at perfectly curated photos of large families on Instagram. It’s just not reality. (And I still don’t know how moms of large families make it look so effortless, because it is definitely not)

Reading the responses brought me back to my early and mid 20s, where my dream was not the husband and the five kids. I didn’t want to have to constantly compromise for a partner, I felt very different from the people I was attracted to, and I was content with becoming a single parent. I found fosterhood here on Tumblr and it just seemed...like an adventure that was meaningful and worthwhile. I thought two kids would be perfect and then as they got older maybe more. I’ve always pictured myself as being a foster parent to older kids once my kids were in their teens.

Justin kind of happened by accident. I had given notice at my nonprofit job that was 50 hours a week to have the flexibility to start the process to become a foster parent. Justin and I went out to lunch (he was a grad student and it was part of my job to connect college students to our program, I was an engagement coordinator). We started talking about his graduation/my leaving the nonprofit and what we wanted for our lives. He was Jewish, I was Jewish. He wanted 5 kids, I wanted 5 kids. He wanted 5 dogs, I wanted 5 cats. We both wanted a farm and adventure and independence. And I decided. Hey. Maybe I’ll marry this guy and we can accomplish our goals together. It was very unromantic. Well, romantic to me, but my friends didn’t get it.

Anyway. Life happens. Plans change. It isn’t always a fairytale, but sometimes it feels like it is.

Back to reality. Justin decided to do a spreadsheet of all our expenses over the last year to figure out how much house in MA we can actually afford. He is obsessed with his spreadsheet and I think it is the most unsexy thing ever. I start to eye-roll when it comes out (which I really need to work on per our previous marriage counselor). Anyway. Unsexy spreadsheet tells us

1) we spend on average $500 at Kroger monthly

2) we spend on average $350 at Target monthly

3) after selling here, putting down a larger down payment there, we will only have $600 less a month

$600 less a month is not bad. At all. That’s doable.

Btw, Target expenses are mainly groceries and gifts (most holiday and birthday gifts come from there). And I will only grocery shop there because grocery stores stress me out. We do buy some clothing items there too I guess, it all adds up.

Maybe I appreciate the unsexy spreadsheet. A little.

[kittenjedi]

... And then there were three.

So, when I got Mercy from Animal control, she was in a carrier with Genji. The two were not happy with this arrangement, so Genji was moved to Hanzo’s carrier, and all was well. Now, Mercy was a sick little girl when we got her from Animal Control, but she is doing much better with eye cream 3x daily and oral antibiotics 2x daily, but she sadly must be isolated from other kitties.

And then today I pick Genji up for cuddles, because he has been quiet lately, and I start to freak because his eye is swollen shut and there is pus. And sneezing starts. Big, snotty sneezing. Ew. So, I sigh, clean the kitty, and start him on the same regimen as Mercy, and put him in iso.

Then, just to be safe, I check on Hanzo.

Well, fuck.

So Hanzo and Genji both got their faces cleaned and then started on medications today.

Sorry, but there will be noticeably fewer pictures of the Overwatch Kittens until they are on the mend. Mercy looks adorable. Hanzo and Genji look worrisome.

And oh good gods, I was so spoiled by how docilely Mercy took her meds.

[urbanrambles]

Fosterhood

Has anyone heard from Rebecca at Fosterhood lately? Worried

[queernycfosterdad]

This is the beginning of the rest of your life....

I didn’t think it would be proper to blog about my experiences but here I am.

I think this is a cathartic endeavor, to alleviate my anxiety of being a foster parent to an infant that has been in my home since they were 4 days old. (They’re four months old now).

I’m stressing because of the drama that Rebecca from @fosterhood continues to experience, and I followed her journey starting in September of 2016 when I initiated the whole process.

Oh well. Welcome to my anonymous blog.

[parentingpete]

How does trial work? Fosterhood said she's done with trial, so they only have a few more years to wait, and I'm not sure if that's like exaggerative comedy, or she actually expects to wait a few more years.

Smash’s adoption took almost 2 years after the TPR trial because of appeals and a variety of bs. Grace’s took 9 months. I know the NYC system is extra horrible so no, she’s probably not exaggerating much.

[adventuresinfostercare]

I want to be a foster mom once I'm old enough and out of graduate school (2-3 years from now) and I'll likely still be single, can I work full time and still have foster children? How does that work - especially with younger children?

That's what I do! I know foster care rules and policies and "how things work" differ depending on what state you live in, so you'll want to do some research for yourself, but this has been my experience in Upstate New York (from what I can tell from Fosterhood and others, NYC is a different beast).I work full-time at a fairly demanding job. It's mostly 9-5 (well, 7:30-3:30... I work in K-12 education), but requires some evenings and weekends, especially when deadlines loom. Day-to-day, Ray attends a local daycare, which the county pays for. He attends a center-based daycare, which I prefer, but the county also paid for the home-based daycare that James briefly attended while on the waiting list for the center-based daycare. Ray's once-weekly visits happen during my work day, so the agency worker transports him to and from daycare to the visits, which she also supervises. I transport when it fits into my schedule or when it makes sense (for example, when he had an appointment immediately afterward), but that's rare. Instead, I try to maintain a good relationship with his parents by regularly sending photos and/or notes in the diaper bag. I do take time off to take Ray to doctor appointments - just like any parent would. I don't really understand foster parents who ask case workers to take the kids to these appointments... I also take time off to attend permanency hearings and any other important court proceedings. My employer and client are both very understanding and supportive. I also have a fabulous support system that really makes it possible for me to thrive as a single parent. My mom visits about once a month, and we usually time her visits for when she can be helpful when it comes to childcare - for example, during her last visit, she watched Ray while I attended my school's graduation. I also have two primary evening/weekend babysitters (entire families, actually) and probably six back-ups that I've never had to use. One of the families actually likes to "borrow" Ray on a weekend day occasionally to give me a break from mom-ing and an opportunity to do housework, projects, cooking, etc. So, yes, it can be done! And it is incredibly rewarding. So, finish grad school and do it! 😁 Best of luck to you and hopefully we'll see you join the family of fumblrs soon!

[foster-the-world]

Such different ideas

I follow Rebecca of Fosterhood on Twitter. I assume I am not the only one who remembers her? She was the single foster mom who adopted two girls very close in age from foster care. When I was looking into foster care I was pretty obsessed with her post. One of the adoptions took seven years and it sounds like their agency was especially terrible/invasive. Although she didn’t always come off great in all of her stories but who does??

Anyway they are on a fancy vacation in the Cayman Islands. She posted a picture of them sitting on a terrace eating a fancy breakfast. She said something about how she would worry about spoiling them but because they are foster to adopt kids they deserve a soft life. Interesting concept but nothing I’ve ever thought. I know her older daughter was more traumatized by foster care because she had visits and uncertainity for seven years. My kids were both three when adopted. They never had to deal with any uncertainties. Foster care was annoying for us as parents but not hard on my kids day to day life. Anyway maybe that’s the difference.

I do worry about spoiling my children - they have things I could never have dreamed of as a kid. Our financial situation is better then my parents so that trickles down to the kids. I love traveling so my kids have done more trips then a vast majority of adults. I travel hack and we prioritize over other things but still can only do it because we are very privileged. We have decided the benefits of travel out weigh the downsides of “spoiling” them. We’ve actively avoided the schools where the student population is very well off because they are never diverse but also because we want economic diversity. And again privileged to have another public school option. We don’t want our kids to think everyone is rich and white/asian - which is a nyc problem because the economic disparity is so high. So we worry about spoiling them and in some ways do but its unrelated to their adoption status. I would never think well it’s okay if Bee/baby boy gets something fancy but not Rebel.

We totally acknowledge the loss of adoption. That loss is multiplied when you are adopted outside of your culture. We will do what we can (therapy, relationships with bio family, living in diverse areas) to help them through those things. And also I think recognize there is no “getting through” such a big loss. Our kids can have wonderful lives and still always have to live with what it means to lose your birth parents. They will have to grapple with that and decide what it means to them. That’s not something a fancy vacation is going to make up for. Obviously Fosterhood wasn’t implying it would but still didnt sit right with me. I also don’t think of my adopted kids as victims that deserve repayment. It’s something they will have to deal with but everyone has something they have to work with. The loss that comes with adoption is a big one, no doubt, but they aren’t the only ones who have to deal with big loss. Anyway guess I’m just grappling myself with balancing recognizing my children’s loss without making it define them. In the end I mostly know it has nothing to do with what I think. As they grow they will decide what being adopted means to them and we will follow their lead.

[dearfosterhoodrebecca-blog]

Out of the Loop...

What happened??!!

I have been spotty with Tumblr lately and then came back to find this group and Rebecca gone. Did something happen with Sandy’s case? I know permanency for her and for Clemmie’s siblings has been a total mess. I hope they are alright. 

I had always sort of imagined, hypothetically that I would become a foster parent one day, but Rebecca’s blog is the thing that made it real for me. Pushed me over the edge, so to speak :) I am so grateful to her and you all in this community. <3

[nyslp]

If you want to follow fosterhood on Twitter, she has unlocked her account for the day.

[normlisrelativ]

I didn't realize it until today, but I expected more interaction with Kevin's parents. I think it's from reading all the fostering blogs, especially Fosterhood. But there's no way in hell I'm inviting his parents to my house or hanging out with them, So I certainly won't be mentoring them or anything like Rebecca tried to do. They aren't threatening or dangerous in any way, I just like wide boundaries when it comes to my family and home life. So it comes as a bit of a surprise to me to just have this child who lives in my house. In my world he's mine. Then I send him to visits and he's theirs. I planned to do transport to visits, but that would mean getting two kids dressed, ready, and out the door by 7:30, driving in bad snow, and then turning around to get Kevin a few hours later. Instead I'm enjoying having him transported- but that's another layer of insulation from his parents. I could change that, I guess. But... In the end I "interact" with Kevin's parents through his visit journal, and I try to give a little summary of how he's doing and any new milestones. The replies are less informative. I could get out of my comfort zone. I guess. But that would be really uncomfortable. I will get to see them at a few doctors visits soon. Maybe that will be enough reality.

[rookiefostermomma]

Court

Well, I was wrong. Court could have gone 5 different ways. Dad was a no show so we go back on the 19th. I used to read fosterhood at think "wow, NYC foster care is jacked up." Texas doesn't play around - a year is all you get. Oh, how wrong I was....

[scripturient-manipulator]

I found my favorite foster parent blog again (Rebecca, who used to be fosterhood and is now at @poofgonebyebyesolong ) and I’m so relieved. It’s painful to read, but I’m so glad she’s back.

[parentingpete]

Do you have any updated on how Rebecca/fosterhood is doing?

I was going to say no...but then she tweeted today about getting 3 Christmas trees to keep the peace so...