mightbeautistic

[mightbeautistic]

when a film or tv show takes place somewhere where you have been, it is your sacred duty as viewer to say “i’ve been there” every time you recognize a place

[mightbeautistic]

[mightbeautistic]

Me: my roommates probably don't even notice my autistic traits

My roommates: comment on and accommodate my need for routine, entertain my mild infodumps in the group chat, note how I emerge from my seclusion to talk to them in the living room about something inane for a few minutes before disappearing for another few hours several times a day

[mightbeautistic]

Hey so I have an autism assessment coming up soon (EEEEEE!) And I haven't told my family about it yet because I'm terrified of the whole "haha tiktok made her think she has autism look how silly she is" deal.

But the diagnostician will probably want to ask my parents some questions and I'm worried. Because like, I'll have to say "oh my parents have no idea that I am here and I don't want them to know."

Will that mess up the diagnostic process? Should I tell my family what's going on? Also I love your blog it's so deep-dive-able and validating and it makes brain go brrrrrrrrr

Aww thanks! I have no clue when this was sent so it might have already happened, but if not good luck!

Ngl I don't really know? From what I've researched, sometimes they interview family members, former teachers/coaches to get a good idea of what you were like as a child. From my understanding, it's a good support for the autism diagnosis bcs if you didn't show many signs for it before you were too old to mask, it might be a conglomerate of other mental issues instead. Maybe. Not a medical professional. Keep that in mind.

But also, parents can be biased about their children and may even answer contrary to the truth if they know what's going on(ngl I wouldn't bet against my parents doing that). For example, as I've heard from my sister(who is 13 years older than me), teachers had basically hinted at/suggested I get evaluated for ~something~ as a kid and my mom was just insistent that I was just a unique, gifted child with quirks, not some abnormal other thing.

But yeah I mean explain whatever the situation is to your evaluator person, and you're an adult. Your parents don't have to know at all. HIPAA, babey. (if you're American, at least)

Anyways, hope it goes well. If it already went, I hope it went well, and feel free to send me an update on how it was :)

[mightbeautistic]

i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.

she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.

so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.

babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?

you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.

skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.

(it was not my best costume.)

my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.

so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.

i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.

so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.

so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.

"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"

and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said

"overalls"

and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."

and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.

the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.

first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.

second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.

and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.

she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."

"lets watch shrek 2."

so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.

every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.

and god help him when he figures it out.

other bad dating story here.

[mightbeautistic]

Breaking news: autistic woman getting anxious about large upcoming changes in life! "It must be a sign that I can't really handle it", she says, despite having lived with this problem her whole life and knowing there are ways to prepare and cope with it!

[mightbeautistic]

I wrote this whole paper and was wondering if a doctor would take it seriously:

Sensory sensitivity. People with autism experience the world in a different way than neurotypical people, and many women with autism experience intense sensory sensitivity. They may have a heightened sense of awareness when it comes to smells, light, sounds, and touch: Which includes my own issues with food and texture. As well as my difficulties with crowds and parties that involve lights, sounds, and feelings I don’t usually have to interact with. My aversion/hatred of fireworks, sirens, vacuuming, and construction zones. My hatred of certain scents and the ability to smell scents that no one else seems to, like the leftover scent of formaldehyde in the elevator or chemicals from the cleaning crew. Aversion to slimy/soft/or plastic-like textures.

Difficulty discussing anything except a favored topic: As anyone who has seen me talk about books/movies/games that I like the lore of can tell you: I almost never smile unless I am speaking of something I particularly like. The two-hour rant over specific media from two weeks ago comes to mind. Situational mutism was a bit more common when I was a child and could go long periods without speaking- feeling like the words got stuck somewhere. It’s faded a bit over time as I got used to more people, but it still happens when I’m not running on a script.

Difficulty determining when it is or is not appropriate to speak, ask questions, or participate in a social group: It is a common difficulty that causes me problems when speaking with others. As demonstrated by me thinking of something to say but being unsure if I can say it or accidentally interrupting the conversation. Stimming, A.K.A. rocking, humming, pacing, tapping, spinning, flicking, or repeating phrases. Some autistic people stim by touching certain textures or listening to certain sounds: If a person were to observe me being happy or upset, they’d see me stim. Certain stim toys such as a pop-it or fidget spinner are on my person at all times. I am a tactical and vestibular/proprioceptive stimmer more often than not. Spinning, touching things that are soft and squishable. Sometimes I vocally stim with whistles, squealing, and humming. Auditory stims with pops and clicks.

Preference for solitude or lack of interest in others' social overtures. Many autistic people are quite happy on their own and often need solitary time to recharge. Many autistic people who are interested in socializing still find it difficult to form and/or maintain social relationships with neurotypical people: This in particular has been a point of contention between me and my family. I prefer solitude and rarely wish to be outside my room. I hate interacting with large groups of people and will often need at least three to four days to recharge. It’s exhausting trying to understand the social cues of large groups of people, or even just a single person.

Eating disorders such as avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) are conditions that often co-occur with being autistic. While ARFID is not about weight and body image, it can lead to weight loss. On the surface, it can easily look like more well-known eating disorders like anorexia: Anorexia is the eating disorder my parents threatened to send me to therapy for that I knew I didn’t have. It was never about weight or how I looked. Merely about the texture and scent of the foods I refused to eat and my general trauma of being force fed as well as the thoughts of what could happen when eating these foods. I.E. gagging/choking/throwing up etc..

Sleep issues. Many women with autism experience difficulty sleeping. Often, this is caused by sensory issues, including a high sensitivity to noise at night and problems feeling comfortable. The presence of another person can exacerbate sleep issues: Which seems to be the reason I always had to take naps during the day. I couldn’t sleep because of the noise levels inside and outside the house and it caused a significant problem of falling asleep in the library.

Difficulties with eye-contact. I do not like eye contact, I tend not to make eye contact. It has caused problems before where someone thinks I’m lying so I adapted and learned to look near or around someone’s face but not in their eyes.

Difficulties with math and explaining the steps with which I came to a conclusion. Also reading math equations often causes me to accidentally switch numbers around. Maybe a minor form of dyscalculia, although probably not.

Emotional regulation issues. The reason I cry in arguments or if I do something wrong that results in a mess or stops my routine from going smoothly. The “overreactions” that really felt important to me at the moment. Breakdowns over something small that confused everyone around me for the reaction. As a child I would go hide in my room and cry loudly or scream wordlessly as I hit the wall with my feet. I no longer do this, but I will hide in a room and cry, sometimes I tear things up when I’m upset and want to avoid breaking down. I remember the most recent one was when I got so upset over messing up my nails and getting paint on my shirt, I broke down crying, so mad and upset, but no one else understood why I was crying.

Anxiety and depression: The things I’ve suffered from since the age of seven. Anxiety that was really high and made my family mock me about being a “worrywart”. Depression they tried to talk me out of being aware of: “Oh, you’re not depressed. What do you have to be depressed about?” Or “Just choose joy.” ring a bell. Anxiety specifically heightens during times in which my routine has been interrupted or is in danger of being off schedule.

Difficulty with directions. Specifically, not being able to understand which direction is left or right, instead using landmarks to remind me when to turn or to stop/go past. Not being able to understand long lists of directions and having a difficult time getting used to a new environment.

Sensory motor issues. I am extremely clumsy. At this point I’ve just accepted bruises just appearing because somewhere along the way I bumped into a door or a chair or some other object. I can reach for something but just not grab it, misjudging how far away it is. Confuse myself by picking up the wrong item and the Out-Of-Sight-Out-Of-Mind effect wherein I forget something exists if I set it down and leave the room. It could be extremely important, and I wouldn’t remember.

Then of course there’s the results from my tests on the RAADs-R, AQ, and TAS.

AQ: total score 38. Any scores of 26 or greater indicate the presence of autistic traits; the higher the score, the more autistic traits you have.

Furthermore, 79.3% of autistic people score 32 or higher, so scores of 32 and above are particularly significant. The AQ is particularly sensitive in distinguishing between autistic and non-autistic adult females, as 92.3% of autistic females scored 32 or higher.

TAS: Total:78 Difficulty Describing Feelings subtotal: 23

Difficulty Identifying Feelings subtotal: 31

Externally Oriented Thinking subtotal: 24

The TAS-20 uses cutoff scoring, with scores of 52–60 indicating possible alexithymia, and scores above 60 indicating alexithymia. 61–100 Alexithymia present

The RAADS-R:

Total: 188

Language subtotal: 19

Social relatedness subtotal: 87

Sensory/motor subtotal: 56

Circumscribed interests subtotal: 26 Score Interpretation: 160

Very strong evidence for autism.

227 The maximum score autistic people acquired in Ritvo’s seminal paper on the RAADS–R.

240 The maximum possible RAADS–R score.

So, in conclusion: I really need to either get tested or settle on: yes, I am or no I’m not.

Ngl my guy this is long as hell so I skimmed it. I would say based on the sort of essay-format alone you're a strong contender to join the club.

The big thing about getting diagnosed is if you want to have that medical diagnosis. It depends on you and your life, whether it will benefit or harm you in the long run. People will treat you differently and it could open you up to more systemic ableism, or conversely it could secure you accommodations.

Measure how much assistance you need, and if you need to get an official diagnosis to aquire it. You can always say "I have sensory issues..." or trouble paying attention, these little habits I do, this "weird thing of mine," or simple things like "these lights/sounds give me a headache." Not everyone needs the full story, and they are not entitled to hear your medical history just to be polite to you.

I personally am pretty low needs/assistance, so it's really only my close family and friends who I tell (because they're close enough to me to notice/be benefitted from that knowledge). Otherwise I just explain away my "eccentricities" to the general public. I was fully set on getting an official diagnosis for years, but realised that it really doesn't matter much to me in the long run. But that's me. So get to know yourself, if you really want/need the official diagnosis and all that obtaining it entails, and don't jump the gun. Self diagnosed autistics are valid, so what's best for you and your life. Don't stress out about it too much.

[mightbeautistic]

sometimes it’s better refrain from deep introspection and allow yourself to just be.

[mightbeautistic]

Choose your fighter

[mightbeautistic]

a mask changes everything. you can have the most cringefail guy ever and people will listen to them when their face is covered by a cool enough mask

[mightbeautistic]

"Based on data gleaned from the nearly 10 million military dependents it insures, the U.S. Department of Defense has repeatedly called the evidence supporting ABA “weak,” noting there is no research to determine whether the small number of participants who show improvement — 15% — do so because of treatment or simply because a child has matured. After a year of the therapy, the department reported to Congress in 2019, 76% of 16,000 participating autistic children saw no change, and 9% worsened."

[mightbeautistic]

they're two different ways of spelling the same word and mean the same thing. though, dissociate is the more common (and certainly is in medical terminology). but, you might see disassociate used in a more literal sense--as the antonym to associate rather than the medical term--especially if it's spoken.

dont yall mean dissociation and not disassociation? im confused, i have never heard of disassociation before

Damn. I don't know why I spelt it that way.

You are correct. I will go edit that post.

[mightbeautistic]

being autistic is fun because while i think of myself as a casual classic rock fan, i could identify a good handful of bands simply from the tone of their electric guitars

[mightbeautistic]

"You walk weird sometimes, i guess it's cause you're autistic"

Yeah no I think it's because I have flat feet and it fucks with my hips but I appreciate the enthusiasm!

[mightbeautistic]

It's like my adhd traits are switches in my brain and my meds just flip on the off switches on, and all the on switches off

I'm still managing adhd it's just a different flavour of adhd that's better at different things

Wild how my meds are good for getting me to fit into neurotypical schedules/expectations and no meds + adhd strategies are better for just about everything else

[mightbeautistic]

Legit I'm sometimes like "eugh the house is so messy, I need to take a break from my meds sometime soon." Because I'll clean up all the little random shit, instead of having the ability to "ignore" all the little messes and focus on something else.

Also, as someone who suffers from decision fatigue, sometimes it's easier to do shit when I'm off my meds because I'm more 'impulsive and easily distracted' so I'm like "I mean I might as well🤷🏼‍♀️" rather than agonising over prioritising my tasks properly and focusing on 'not getting distracted'

Wild how my meds are good for getting me to fit into neurotypical schedules/expectations and no meds + adhd strategies are better for just about everything else

[mightbeautistic]

Wild how my meds are good for getting me to fit into neurotypical schedules/expectations and no meds + adhd strategies are better for just about everything else