midnight-through-me

[midnight-through-me]

[midnight-through-me]

Aversion

I hate the feeling of paper

Which is shit

because I like to read and draw and write

and it's such an integral part of school and of life

And I hate the feeling of leather

All of our sofas are leather

I hate this

I hate that I can't even go into TKMaxxs without having to be escorted out

because I started crying with the water bottles

because I touched something made

Of glass

Or of wood

Graphics was a nightmare

So was art

because I had to do paper maché

and I didn't have a time out card af the time

Photography too sometimes because of the bright studio lights

and the sound the cameras made then taking a picture when zoomed in

The teachers didn't really understand

because it isn't down in the system as me having sensory processing issues

(or anxiety for that matter)

so they would get angry at me for not being able to do stuff

My dad doesn't really get it either

I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making it up

but if I was I would have stopped by now

because I hate it

[midnight-through-me]

[midnight-through-me]

Fall

You know that

You're falling in love when

They hurt in every way

But the ones that matter

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does anyone else feel themselves slipping back into the worst versions of themselves because of this pandemic and lockdown and just everything

[midnight-through-me]

Sensor overleg

I hate sensory overload

Or as I put it earlier in my sleep deprived state

"sensor overleg"

It's shit

It's like being too much of everything at once

Too hot, too cold, everything is too bright or too dark, too loud or too quiet, too rough or too smooth

Every sence is active but to too high a degree

You can't pick out individual sounds or smells or tastes

and all colour blurs together

and all your nerves are firing as if someone is touching you when they're not.

It's not like a panic attack

Most of the time I have no idea what causes it

and even when I can it doesn't go away when I remove it or try to distract myself

I hate it

At least with panic attacks, I have people who talk me through it and give me hugs

With this, if another person touches me then it hurts

their voice just gets lost

It's not even the usual kind of pain

It's like having an ice cube on the bottom of your foot, you know it's cold but you can't really feel it because it's your foot and the skin on your foot is too thick for it to fully register

Everything hurts in some way

And sensory adversion become more then just dislikes

they become unbearable

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I've had my phone for a while now. I've never once turned the GPS/location turned on (I don't see the point) and i've always made a point of checking to make sure it was off when I turned my phone back on after it ran out of charge or I had to reset it.

I woke up this morning and it was on. I don't know why or how. I couldn't have turned it on accidentally because you have to go into my settings to turn it on. No one else has been on my phone.

I'm both confused and a bit worried.

[midnight-through-me]

[midnight-through-me]

「Blue flames burn hotter」

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Fiction

I wrote a story the other day

It's not complete yet but I like it

I can't decide whether to give it a happy ending

or a sad ending

Because you always see happy endings

but nothing ever has a happy ending in real life

Real endings are always sad

because how can something ending bring joy

Endings are always negative

Maybe that's why so many stories have happy endings

Because its fiction

And fiction is always better than real life

[midnight-through-me]

Shadows in the Woods

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