messyheadthoughts-blog

[messyheadthoughts-blog]

Kevin

more than meets the eye

Today i woke up pissed. I don't even think you can say i really woke up today because i don't ever think i went to sleep. I just dozed out of my slight state of consciousness and slid slowly into existence. I was tossing, and turning, and thinking, and sneezing, and everything else but fucking sleeping. Today was very different from my usual sleep till 1:00pm then do whatever i please lifestyle that has been a constant for the last month. I decided to help a friend out by being her ginny pig for the day at dental hygiene school. I thought maybe helping my friend graduate might be better than starring at the ceiling all day so i came home for the week. Only flaw to this idea is that i had to awake at 4:30am and venter throughout the commuter rail of the Boston area. The morning route we took was hazy and i don't remember much except forgetting my coffee at the orange line and the back of eyelids on the way to the green line.

After four hours of my friend poking and pulling at my teeth and gums it was filly time to go home. As all Boston locals know you will see all sorts of shit on public transpiration. Its almost like a right of passage to witness the madness of the human race while trying to get to place to place, so rightfully i was on the lookout. as we approached the next stop a women gets on and sits next to my friend. She kept sucking on her water bottled that was covered in her bright red lipstick and started continuously rocking back and forth talking to herself about how much her back was killing her. After a while she started to cause attention to herself and just like that the two young girls in front of me had experienced their right of passage just like that. I looked down and my phone buzzed and my friend next to me had texted me “schizophrenia”. It was sad, but it was most likely true. The good news for lipstick lady is that she isn't the worst of the worst, she's not even close.

I tuned my head as the doors open for the next stop and a man in his late 60s walked on and sat down next to me. This man intrigued me from the start. He had on old raggedy corduroy pants, an old Patagonia pattered zip up, a worn down wool sweater and a fedora with a blue bandana tied around it. He kept looking down picking at the spots on his hands that had accumulated from old age.The look on his face broke my heart and i couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. We sat for a few minutes in silence all burdened by the shrieks of the rails. Then i remembered how my dad always makes conversation with strangers he meets. He tells me that most people are lonely and just want someone to talk to, the just want someone to ask them their name and maybe slightly give a damn. My dads lessons always linger in my head so i acted on it . I pointed at his jacket and said “thats a really nice jacket i love how old school it is” before i could even finish my sentence this man was speaking a mile a minute with answers  prepared as if he had just been dying to talk with someone. He went off about how he got in in the women's department at Savers and how he ALWAYS get compliments on it. then he began to rant about how amazing Savers was and proceeded to list off all the locations of every Savers within 20 miles of us, just incase i wanted to go check it out. He continued to talk and i entertained it because he was sweet, and kind, and funny, and a good distraction from the smell of the cart. I went back and forth trying to decide if i thought he was crazy or lonely but then i decided that i think he's a genius. He spoke to me of travel, school, work, government, and so much more about things and people and places i have never heard before. He lived in Japan and Hawaii, and had traveled all over the place working as a substitute, in prisons, on farms, teaching english over seas, and many other odd jobs on his journeys. He told me about how he's going to an Paradis island off of India for a month and how he can't  wait to see all the the “attractive ladies”. He wanted to make sure my friend and i had as much information as we could about the fields we were interested in. i swear it was like this guy read the paper of every town in the whole god damn country everyday, he knew so much!

After about an hour we all finally exchanged names and now Kevin was our new friend. He gave us his email and said we could contact him with any question we could ever have and he would give us all the information he knew.

As we went our separate ways Keven waved goodbye to us and told us we were gonna go far. He said we were smart and beautiful, and that life was going to treat us well because we had good karma. Kevin fucking made my day man, my spirit was so lifted after being bitter about my 4 am wake up call. I thought to myself as we left, i wonder how the ride would have went if i didn't say anything. If we just sat in silence all waiting to go on to our own lives unconcerned with the journey we were taking trying to get to our separate destinations. I thought about how Kevin never spoke of his family or kids or a wife of any kind. I thought of how he spoke about traveling most of his life and how he continues to do it and how exciting that must be, but also how lonely it could be. Then i thought about the lipstick lady and how maybe shes not crazy either, maybe all she wanted was for someone to give a fuck about her god damn back?!

Regardless today had me thinking, thinking in a good way. Kevin made me excited about life and lately I've been feeling pretty scared of it. I got home and Keven had sent me an email he said “Meghan, it was nice meeting both you and your friend. If I can ever help you with info. on Travel, work, etc. Let me know. I will send you info. on 2 fantastic Brain enhancement Supplements  that I have used over the yrs. that are incredible for mood enhancement , memory and overall brain health. . Much Aloha , Blessings , Kevin” Kevin cool as shit man i don't care what anyone says. I'm glad i now know Kevin and I'm glad Kevin knows me. Im glad he had someone to share all his knowledge with today and i hope someone gets the pleasure of his company tomorrow.

Take a second and guess again when thinking of the people around you, we’re all just trying the best we can. Next time someone intrigues you ask them their name it may make their day, it might also make yours.

Much aloha, blessings,

thoughts of a head case.

[messyheadthoughts-blog]

Moving along and coming undone I haven't even been away from home from five hours and I'm already a fucking mess. I knew this was going to happen. It was a part of my plan for the day. Wake up, get last minute things, say my goodbyes, move to Maine, unpack, then cry hysterically. Don't get me wrong I'm so excited for all the things to come from moving to mass to Maine with no set plans and my whole life in front of me but I LOVE HOME. If you are unfamiliar with who I am my family is my life support. They keep me going, they keep me sane, and I miss them with ever fiber of my being. I Oh and my DOGS?! don't even get me started. I guess being alone in my 3 bedroom apt Isn't helping my tears but maybe I shouldn't have decided to move the day my roommates went on a trip to Puerto Rico...... Being alone is hard for me. I'm always waiting for the phone to ring or the door to knock. Part of this moving out thing is also part of my "growing up" thing whatever that means. So being alone is something that I'm gonna have to handle some point or another. Ughhh I'm just sad and excited, and nostalgic, and tired, and hungry and basically I'm a mess. But what els is new. I just keep remembering what my dad said when he shut my car door right before I left "go kill it kid" so I'm gonna. I'm gonna be sad first, but after that I'm gonna kill it.

[messyheadthoughts-blog]

Grow up Peter Pan

I feel a lot different then the way I taught it would feel. For some reason I feel like I would have been happier about the whole thing if he never did contact me, and I was left to my own imagination. I felt comfort in the idea that he was apart of my past life now. Because that’s what this felt like, I feel so disconnected to the person he was when I loved him. Granted I’m not the same person he loved back then either. I was seventeen when I feel in love and it was by far the greatest thing I have ever experienced. I look for it like a drug in everyone I meet and to be without it definitely has its withdrawals. That was five years ago. But yesterday you decided to check in. I hate myself because I love the fact that you even thought of me. Maybe that makes me weak, but hey excuse me for feeling. Regardless of the fact that the only thing that prompted this sudden connecting is the fact that you girlfriend broke up with you. At first I was shocked, then I was smug about it, now I’m just sad. It just reminded me of how much time has passed. It makes me sad I haven’t had that love like that sense. But it also pisses me off that I feel that. I absolutely rock the single life but I would still rather fall in love. I watch to many sappy love movies to not want that. Even though I could never go back to what I used to have I realize that I need to start moving on. I feel like apart of me is still holding on not only to that connection I once had but also who I was when I was seventeen. My youth is hard for me to let go off, change is something I struggle with accepting but like most things in life it’s inevitable. I feel like I needed this disruption to realize what I’ve been doing. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you sometimes.

[messyheadthoughts-blog]

A different life time

“It is so evidently clear to me that I am nowhere near where I want to be. Mentally and physically. At the same moment I realize that where I am is where I need to be to get to where I want to be. Or at least that what they tell me. I'd like to think that I came to school to get an education and be filled with knowledge about my future career. But for some reason I feel I would have been so much better staying home, saving my money, doing yoga, and learning how to make myself better body and soul. I know that sound so fucking psychedelic and like I just came out of a fucking tumblr post (lol) but it's true. All coming to school has done has just made me fear the future and has given me a metal disorder and has sucked me dry of my very little income. But no one takes you seriously without a degree right? So fuck me.”

A very relevant find within the depths of my phone considering I just got my last grade back today confirming that I have all the credits I need to get my diploma. I started to get a serious case of the FOMOS today watching all the college kids document their first night back at school on snapchat and I felt really old and sad for a moment. I found this and couldn’t help but laugh. I loved school and all my friends and the experience as a whole the bad and the good. However I’m glad I reminded myself of the stress that it actually caused me on a daily basis. The party’s were fun, the people were cool, and my apartment was my sanctuary. But now that I’m done I don’t have to worry about the quilt of assignment when I’m just trying to get my drank on. Now I can just get my fucking drank on! And now I can do all those things I complained about wanting to do. But I’m still right about two tings, I am still so fucking completely lost about my future and also I can feel the student loans pulling at my pockets. Life is so bitter sweet no matter what situation you find yourself in. laugh it off and take a shot.

[messyheadthoughts-blog]

Every morning I wake up and I take two pills. One so I don’t get knocked up (considering I don’t let myself to close to anyone that pill is pretty much pointless). The other pill is so I can function in everyday life. For the past year and a half I’ve been living with an anxiety disorder. I can feel others hold back the roll in their eyes when I tell people I cant do certain things or that I just don’t feel like leaving my house that day because of my anxiety. To those who don’t have it my anxiety just sounds like an excuse to be lazy. I know this because I used to be one of those people. Care free, down for anything, unconcerned with the shadows of the world. Annoyed with people that make excuses for themselves. Now that my genetics started to kick in, and my anxiety’s started to wake up my life is on the outside still the same. I still go out with my friends all the time, I dance like knows ones watching, I sing with my friends in public, I flirt with boys, I still seem like the outspoken care free person everyone has always seen me as.

 On the inside however it’s a whole different ball game. When I first had a panic attack I was driving back home for the summer from my apartment at the time. It’s about a good hour drive and about 15 min into it I thought I was dying. My vision was playing tricks on me; it was like my brain had a 5 sec delay to catch up with my eyes. My throat felt like it got smaller I had to start thinking about how to breath instead of just, breathing. My legs felt like they gained 100lbs and it took all the strength I had to lift them to drive. I was the most scared I had ever been in my life. I felt like at any moment I was going to black out, crash, and die. I truly thought that was going to be the end of me. Somehow I made it to my exit and as soon as I did I pulled onto the first street I could find and I lost it. I was shaking and sobbing and sweating and as soon as I dialed the phone to call my dad I remembered all the pills my dad takes in the morning and I realized what was really happening. I wasn’t dying; I was changing. 

 For a good week I was convinced that I had a tumor and if I didn’t get a MRI that I was going to die at any second. I think at one point I even convinced my mom of it and she started to call doctors about it. My dad being a certified head case himself was quite aware of what was happening because he had been dealing with it for the past 30 years. I didn’t want to believe him, I think at the time I was perfectly fine with shaving my head and removing my imaginary tumor and moving on with my life, just like I has seen in greys anatomy hundreds of times. I didn’t want to live life on the verge of a breakdown, and that whole summer I did. I didn’t leave my house much and when I did I would wait in cars for my friends to run into stores, when I did go into stores within 10 min I would run out searching for air. At home I would sink into my bed and binge on Netflix. I was scared of talking to people I didn’t know, even a drive through would send me into a world win of emotions. I was also petrified of driving I would pull over at least twice while driving and have a good cry. My thoughts were physically exhausting me, and everything made me tired but I still couldn’t sleep. I thought I was never going to be okay, most nights I would find myself crying in my moms arms wishing I would just stop thinking so much.

 Towards the end of the summer the pills my doctor prescribed me started to work without me feeling like I was goanna pass out or throw up. I started leaving the house more but things were still different. I was withdrawn, but I had to be. I couldn’t pay to much attention to what I was doing or who I was with because if I did my brain would start to do back flips and all hell would break loose. I like to call my issue that “chicken little struggle” you know “the sky is always falling” mentality. I think there’s a man with a gun at every corner. If my leg twitches I instantly think I’m about to have a seizer. If people in public look at me to long I think something looks concerning to them making be feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. I live in a perpetual state of fear.

I don’t know if those feeling will go away as a get older but if they don’t its just apart of who I am now. Its something I have to live with and I’ve figured out ways to calm myself down and try not to think so much, but those thought are still always haunting me. There are so many other issues I could have that are much worse than my anxiety so I consider myself lucky in a way. My life will probably never be the way it was at 17 and I guess that’s why they tell you to hold onto those years the best you can. Regardless ill never stop trying to reach that kind of happiness, my mind may be altered but that doesn’t mean I’m defeated.

[messyheadthoughts-blog]

So it begins.

I got a head filled with anything and everything. I find myself being so hyper sensitive to the world. The change in light, a slight change in weather, they way someone’s face changes mid conversation. I notice it all so intensely and as insignificant as that problem sounds it cripples me. I dissect every situation I encounter instead of experiencing my life. So I decided to start writing shit down. For a multitude of reasons. For one I hope it will let me have a place to put my thoughts so the don’t just linger in my head. Also I feel it will be something that can help me figure myself out, seeing how I come across on paper. One last reason, probably the most important reason, I’m scared. Scared of not remembering anything. I'm scared one day I'm goanna look back and not know how I got to where the fuck I am. I'm scared that I'm goanna wake up and realize I spent too much time worrying that I've wasted all my moments. I'm scared I'm not doing anything spectacular. And I don't know if that's true or not. Maybe I am spectacular, some days I feel it's spectacular that I even exist and then some days I think of how small and fleeting we all really are. So I want something I can look back on so hold myself accountable for. Accountable for the way my life turned out. I'm hard on myself, I get that. I just don't know how to stop it. I'll spend forever trying to calm down, I just know it.

And so it begins. Here I go throwing my thoughts into the big dirty pool of the Internet, here’s the way I see the world.