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2018 Resolutions

So I’ve been doing these every year for a while as kind of a check in on the last year, and as a time to stop and look forward for a moment on what I’d like to accomplish in this next pre packaged section of time.  I know months and years and such are arbitrary times to start something new, and that you could reinvent yourself at any point in the day/week/year/etc. but there’s something about a fresh start on the calendar that feels right.  And a new year is one big fresh start.  That’s what I like about the new year anyway, it’s a time to be reflective and to ask yourself what you want and how to get there. Even if it’s totally different than what you wanted last year.  It’s a marker of change and hopefully growth.  So here is what I’m thinking about this year.

Posture- keep working at it.  It just makes you look so much more confident and less like you’re trying to blend into the wall.

Confidence- especially at work. You’re good at what you do and you deserve to be there.  Even if you’re not the best one there, you’re better than 100 alternatives so just focus on doing your best and not putting yourself down, mentally and when talking with others about what you do

Remember that you’re an adult now- you can move wherever you want, you can make any decision for yourself, you can change your career as much or as little as you want, you can travel- you run your life.  Which can be scary or it can be a real adventure, it’s whatever you make of it.  Don’t be scared to try things you’ve always wanted to do when you’re older…you can do them now.  You don’t have to wait because you’re not 16 anymore.  Go to Spain. Attack things head on.

Dress like it- you have a lot of clothes from high school even… And I know your subconscious style influence of your dreams has been those cool vans skater girls from the early 2000s but there’s more grown up ways of portraying yourself and looking put together.  Not saying to drop that aesthetic entirely, cause I know there’s still that soft spot and it can def look good.  Just saying you should find some more adult style role models (Aubrey Plaza cough cough).  Take this year to slowly cycle out the jeans and shirts and bring in more put together attire.  Every time you need new clothes or to replace something, keep that in mind.

Be more positive- Not to give up cynicism, because that staves off naivety I think, but you definitely let yourself stew on stuff that isn’t helping you out.  Cold weather, losing material stuff, whatever.  Letting thing like that go and accepting your new reality if it can’t be changed is so much more healthy than grumbling about how much it sucks.  Either do something to start fixing it or don’t let it ruin your day.

Look into Buddhism- you vaguely know the concepts but I think it would be really good to look into it for real.  Being present, seeking balance, accepting things and letting them go have all been ideals you’ve landed upon on your own and I think it would be good to try something like this to give all those thoughts some focus

Get your exercise right- you were doing so well in VA and even in CA at going regularly.  I think you’ve made it too complicated lately and need to go back to basics or things you’ll actually do.  Smaller, more concrete goals within this- blast them abs, strengthen arms, improve flexibility through yoga/just do yoga more

Do stuff more- less tv, more hobbies.  There’s a lot of stuff you wanna try or bring back, you just don’t pull the trigger ever.  Pick something and make steps to do it.  Nothing’s stopping you from drawing. TV just seems like the easiest bug chunk of time to convert to more creative/productive practices.

Be proactive about future you- I know you think about future you a lot but you need to start doing stuff for future you.  Actually start a retirement savings, start a business, get credit cards that work for you, and set your own goals because school isn’t there to do that for you anymore

Let yourself be in an adult relationship- I think you’ve always been careful about caring too much about anyone romantically because you’ve been taught growing up that teenage relationships don’t last, you break up when you’re young and in college and you get your heart broken. I’m not saying it’s not possible outside of school or that any age in your life protects you from that possibility.  I’m just saying what’s the point of holding back at this point?  If he’s gonna be in your life in a very real way, which you’ve shown that you’re open to- let him in.  Or, more importantly, let yourself out.  Let yourself be yourself around him, let him in in ways that will seriously do damage if it ends badly.  But know that you’re both open to it not ending at all and that you’re either lying to him or you’re lying to yourself if you hold back to keep from getting hurt.  This one feels different and it’s so much more honest and rich if you jump in.  You know you want to.

Travel- Set up a card to get airline points, go to weddings, make that leap into international travel, cause I think once you go once, it’s a lot easier to allow yourself to go to more and more places.  Very little is stopping you from going to places, so just do it!

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Man, a lot happens in a year. (part 3)

Done this the past two years, so here we go again: a list of all the memorable stuff that happened in my life this year. 

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Man, a lot happens in a year. (Redux)

So ever since I did one of these : http://sarcasticshutter.tumblr.com/post/15011923732/man-a-lot-happens-in-a-year

posts in 2011, I’ve wanted to kinda keep that going and do an annual reminiscing/recap post.  Buuut I kinda really missed the ship on that for 2012 seeing as we’re now seven months into the year.  But fuck convention.  July is just as good a time as January.  Better late than never. 

So here we are, my look back at 2012:

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2016 Resolutions

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If you wanna know what my life was like as a Junior in high school...

Man, a lot happens in a year.

I’m going through my planner/calendar/whatever and reminiscing about stuff.  Last January feels like so long ago, but god, this year’s gone so fast.  This school year is flying by too, come to think of it…

Anyway: I figured I’d make a little list of sentimental/memorable crap from 2011.

I’ll do a read more so it doesn’t clog up your dash so much if you don’t care about this :3

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Being Present

I’m becoming crunchy af as I’ve grown up

I feel like I’m on the verge of tipping into it for real right now too, like I used to think spiritual stuff was so dumb but now I feel like there’s something to say for things having a vibe or an energy about them. And how your mindset can drastically change your attitude and how mental things can affect the physical body. I’ve been doing more yoga lately which has made my body feel better, which makes sense, but also it just clears your head so well and it’s addictive to live in that tranquil mindset. I just feel so at peace afterwards because it forces you to slow down and be present for a second and just get back in tubne with yourself.  I’ve been looking into buddhism a bit too because I’ve never been a religious person, and I think that’s why it’s appealing.  Because it’s more about understanding than it is about faith.  It’s not trying to have you believe in the promise of pleasant things as a result of being a good person, it’s about accepting your reality and not fighting with the universe about how you’re gonna make yourself happy.  Not to say you can’t change your situation or want things to be better for yourself, but you can try to be at peace with your present at any given moment and that’s so comforting.  So I’m gonna start looking into it more to try and see how I can maybe start to implement some of those thoughts in my life.

I’ve been feeling like I’m not where I want to be lately, and I can’t put my finger exactly on why I’ve been having those thoughts.  It feels different than what I had been feeling in California.  There I felt like my wheels were spinning and I wasn’t doing anything to go in a new direction and that I was constantly picking the safe choice.  Here I feel like I’m at least trying not to make the same mistakes again and again, and I like the work that I’m doing.  I’m feeling comfortable in my home with my roommates and more comfortable navigating the city.  So I don’t think this feeling means that the city isn’t working out or isn’t where I should be.  I like the thought of being here for a minute, although on some cosmic level I feel like this isn’t where I’ll end up.  I think it’s another stepping stone, but probably a couple year stepping stone rather than a couple month one.  I know I miss having a friend group and I could be doing more to try and better that situation but folding into the NCSA crew has made me complacent about that.  I like them a lot and I know we’ll be good friends but I can’t help but feel like I need my own friends too.

This feeling is something deeper and more like a rolling mist in the back of my head, and I’m not totally sure what’s up with that. I just feel like I could and should be doing more...something.  I don’t know what that something is, but something. I think maybe I need a hobby?  I spend my free time doing nothing of value and feeling like I should be doing something important, and then I spend my time at work chomping at the bit to get back to my free time. I don’t get it.  Maybe I just need to make myself draw or read or go buy a keyboard or something and not let myself watch tv.  Try that out for a bit and see if that helps.  I don’t know how to feel content I guess.  It reminds me of how in school you would be watching tv or hanging out with people and you would have that lingering guilt of knowing you should be working on homework or a project, except there’s nothing really hovering over me.  I can easily just do nothing and there’s nothing better that I should be doing.  I don’t know why I didn’t feel like this in California.  I could watch tv and hang out with people and not feel guilty, I could relax so well in California.  Maybe it is a friends thing or maybe it's being comfortable in my position at work.

I think overall I just need to change my mindset.  I think I need to sit myself down and look at where I am and how much I’ve done and appreciate how much I’ve actually accomplished.  Because a lot of the time it feels like I’m not hustling enough or that there’s so much more that I need to do before I’ll get to that happiness checkpoint.  I’m reminded more and more of that saying lately about how happiness is the journey not the destination when I stop to turn my thoughts inward and look at why I’m feeling inadequate in my free time. I’m here.  I’m working in my field. I’m almost entirely self sufficient, and I’m not struggling.  My life is comfortable, and I’m in a very good place career wise, I’m doing all the things I should be doing to try to feel out which way I’m gonna pursue harder. Now’s the time to just work and learn and keep assessing if what I’m doing is what I want to keep doing.  And maybe also the time to pick up a pen or a book when I’m not working and learning so that I have a more fulfilling pastime than just catching up on bob’s burgers.

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Feeling good about myself today cause two separate coworkers have told me of their own accord that they wanna try and get me on where they work steadily after we're done here

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Zag on ‘Em

I’m excited for a lot of things right now and that’s making time move slowly...I’m at home right now, 3 days out from moving to the city.  Finishing up packing, visiting friends, and stopping by my old college campus this week.  I think it’ll be weird to be back there.  It feels like a lifetime away rather than just a year ago.  And I haven’t even done anything that crazy in that time.  I’ve been playing it safe this whole last year in going back to my same summerstock and in going back to PCPA.  Places I’ve been before and feel comfortable working in.  Doing stuff I’ve done before even if I know already that I want to try new things.  I can’t imagine how far away college will feel after this next year, where I’m finally taking twenty-serpentine to heart...

Let me use that as a springboard to describe those things I’m excited about.  Should make it evident that I’m kinda going off the rails in this upcoming year and it’s fucking thrilling.  Terrifying, don’t get me wrong.  But it’s making me grin just thinking about it and I’m doing it anyway.  I’m gonna make it fucking work for me.

Ahem.  Let’s start with the thing I’ve been writing about all summer:

Zag #1. Turning down that cruise (potential) offer to freelance in NYC

I remember saying in senior year that I thought it was crazy to move to the city without a job lined up because of how expensive it was to live there.  That was literally only one year ago and here I am doing the exact thing I was so opposed to then.  So what changed?  I’m sick of taking the safe and easy route.  PCPA was comfortable but it was more of the same thing I knew before moving out there, which is that I know I want to try something other than carpentry for a minute.  I can do carpentry but I don’t know if something else out there will make me more happy.  It’s like how I felt dating Joe... I didn’t feel unhappy, I just felt like maybe something better was out there, and boy fucking was there.  So why tf do I keep making that same choice?  Because it’s real hard to turn down stability.  Well.  Fuck that.  I’m gonna give freelancing a shot.  Actually try to go for the things I’ve been telling myself that one of these times I’ll do it.  Now is the time.

Alright, also something I’ve been writing about all summer.  I’m realizing I like to agonize about things before making a choice.  Hopefully I get better about trusting my gut even though it seems at face value like the risky choice.

Zag #2.  Deciding to share a bedroom with Tony. Aka, not holding back in a relationship because it’ll be easier that way to get over it if we break up.

Let me spell out on paper all the things that are wrong with this scenario, and therefore why it took me so long to decide that it was worth doing it anyway.

At the time of beginning to agonize over this, we’d only been together for 6 months.  And I didn’t even want to date him at the beginning.  I wanted to be single/have a fuck buddy but he made me realize that all the shit we were doing was literally the same as dating, I just hadn’t wanted to call it that.  And since I didn’t want it to stop, I begrudgingly agreed that yes, I guess we had been dating... Anyway, moving to the city to be with Tony and not only that but moving in with him again, and not only that but sharing a room with him this time...Does not sound like a good idea at all.  But we had just spent the last 6 months living together and we had no problems there.  And I was moving to the city because of my previously mentioned zag, and it just helped out a lot that I could move in somewhere with ready-made roommates and could have a cheaper rent than I would’ve otherwise.  It was good timing to do this right now because if I waited til after a cruise contract, it would’ve been super weird to move into the bedroom of an ex boyfriend.  By that I mean it wouldn’t have happened.  So now was good timing, and I did miss him a ton.  Saying goodbye in California was way harder than I anticipated.  I felt better deciding to do this because I wasn’t entirely moving there for him, although it is a big perk for sure.  Just one more very big thing to be excited about with this decision to move there.

What scares me a bit also though is how much I want to open myself up to him.  I’ve thought about him more seriously than anyone else I’ve dated, which feels dumb because we haven’t been together all that long.  I just really like trying to figure him out and hearing how he thinks because we’re such different people in a lot of ways.  I think if we were any more different than we are it would be too much and I wouldn’t feel like I could relate to him, but if we were too similar it would be like dating Josh and it would end up feeling too much like just a best friend in the world, and wouldn’t and up working out long term.  I mean I know things could end at any second and odds are always more likely for a relationship to end at some point rather than for it to go on, but thinking about some kind of life with him is really exciting.  I didn’t quite feel that way with Josh.  I felt like we could do it really well and be a great team but I didn’t really have any emotional response to it.  I don’t know why but with Tony I think it would be really fun.  Not saying I want anything to happen right now, I just wanna see how things go for a while first. Just sayin’, I’m interested.  I don’t know if it’s where I’m at now in life, that I finally have taken my self imposed “you’re a kid, you can’t make big decisions yet” blinders off, and am realizing the full potential I have to take charge in my life- but I feel like, why not open yourself up fully even if it might rip your heart out later?  He might end up being the guy you marry too, why not give it everything you’ve got?  Cause that’s what he seems to be doing for me too.  

Bleh, anyway:

Zag #3. Actually planning a trip to Europe with friends.

This is something I’ve been talking about with various friend groups since high school.  And it’s always been something I’ve wanted, but like I’ve said I had those blinders on and it didn’t really feel like something any of us would actually pull off.  But now I think we really can.  And I have a fantastic friend group to do it with.  Something about Sami and Andie actually making that trip to Charlottesville to visit me this summer makes me think they’ll pull through again and actually save for this trip to Spain we were all talking about yesterday.  Shaina has been trying to organize some sort of Europe trip since I think freshman year of college.  And she’s been out of the country a million times so I know she knows what she’s doing in terms of planning and budgeting.  The real kicker is that we’ll all have jobs that allow us to actually save up enough (I’m assuming my freelance stuff works out, give me this), and we’re young enough right now to not care about staying in cheap hostels. Saving $300/month for the next 10 months sounds reasonable, and I think we’re all genuinely serious about it.  And not like high school serious about it, where we couldn’t back these plans up. I mean achievably serious.  And I’m excited.

I thought last year was exciting, what with living in California for a year, and officially being on my own, and knowing that for once in my life I wasn’t going back to school at the end of the summer.  And it was, but by the end of it I was left wanting.  I felt like I had gotten complacent in California, like life was good but I wasn’t challenging myself or striving for anything I couldn’t easily achieve.  I felt like I had settled for a lot and like I was spinning my wheels and not going anywhere.  And I think those are fair assessments.  I also think I needed to feel that way in order to convince myself to jump into things like this.  Because I don’t think I was ready to make these kinds of choices this past year.  Otherwise I would’ve moved straight to the city like so many other people have done.  But I needed to feel that long term stretch of sameness and not moving up at all that came from Santa Maria to make me itch for a big city.  To make me know that my chance to try out different departments and go for those things I keep someday-ing lies in a major city.  My route to not being a sad TD for a regional theater in some land locked state lies in New York or Chicago or wherever else I end up.  The choices I’ve made this summer feels like jumping the tracks and getting me out of that rut that leads to regional TD-dom, that I just kept seeing myself trudging towards during college and in Santa Maria.  They’re me hatching, like Shaina said.  They’re me letting myself be an adult for the first time in my life, and loving- not without fear -but openly nonetheless, and chasing my gut feeling that a different department will hold more happiness for me.  They’re risky, but I feel so much happier even just knowing that I’m trusting in myself enough to take those risks anyway.  No matter what happens, and I know it could all go wrong, I’ll still be here and I’ll get through it.  If it comes down to it, I’ll stand up on the other side and make new plans from there.  

I’m ready to fight for this. Zag on ‘em.

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Douchey selfie from last week cause I’m feelin myself atm ✌

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The Safe Choice

Yeah so I’m moving to New York.  I had the interview with Norwegian and they wanted to set up a second one with me but I turned them down and said I had accepted another offer.  Because seeing that email about setting up a second interview made me feel stressed out again.  My gut reaction was disappointment because it meant living in New York wasn’t set in stone.  So I finally just stopped entertaining the safe choice of being on a cruise ship and I stopped giving these two potential job offers such power over how fucking stressed I am.  I took some charge in which path I go down rather than letting them keep stringing me along and stewing in stress.  I picked a road.  And I’m excited about it.  

Also terrified until I hear back from Juilliard with a hard yes or no about whether I’m gonna be employed.  I think it’ll be another two weeks before I know for sure.  More limbo.  I’m just so ready to jump the fuck in to actual planning.  Feel like a runner waiting for the starting gun to go off. If I get the job I can budget for real and know what stuff I need to buy for the job and have a hard start date so I can plan if I have time to travel beforehand.  If I don’t get it I can hardcore apply for jobs and plan some travel time anyway. I just need to know first.  So I think the best thing for me to do is just be very present here for the next two weeks.  Dive into the people here and the work I’m doing right now.  Enjoy Charlottesville for what it is and what it has here for me in this moment.  Which I should be doing anyway but it’s especially dumb to miss out on all that because I’m stressing about something I can’t speed up a response to.  And I really like the people here this summer.  They aren’t jaded.  They’re excited about their work and they’re ready to learn and grow and aren’t tired of it all.  Which hasn’t been what I’ve been hearing from my friends who are currently in or finishing up grad school.  They just seem so tired of it all.  I think after my time at PCPA I’m so ready to fight for this.  I think what I learned from this past year out of undergrad, taking these safe choices with people I already know in places I’ve already worked in positions I know I don’t want to keep working forever...I’ve learned I’m sick of taking the safe choice just because it’s close to what I want to do.  I’m ready to start taking actual steps to try the shit I want to try.  I’m ready to make choices that allow me to take some charge of my life instead of doing things that people expect me to do.  Being afraid of making the big, scary, risky choices that would actually get me somewhere I want to be. No, not even being afraid- but being so afraid that I don’t just...do it anyway.  So that’s what I feel like I’ve done with this NYC choice.  I know lots of people who are gonna scoff at me for it, but I’m not going into it starry eyed. I have escape routes planned out and as permanent as this choice feels, nothing in life is fucking permanent.  I can leave anywhere at any time.  I can apply for jobs in literally any other city any time this feels like it isn’t paying off.  I can break up with Tony if the relationship isn’t good for me anymore.  I’m gonna be so fine. I think I have as realistic of a view of the situation as I can without being in the middle of it.  I’m tired of not doing things because I think other people will think I’m dumb for taking the risky choice.  I want to live my own life even if it ends up tripping me up sometimes.  Fuck em.  I’m excited.  As uncomfortable as I am right now not knowing and not being able to plan, I know I made the right choice because I haven’t given it a second thought.  Haven’t felt anything but relief regarding that.  

As far as Tony goes we’ve technically started dating again, even though I don’t think we ever really stopped talking to each other like we were together.  I know I’m in a different headspace about it all now that it’s not a relationship with an end date from the very beginning.  It’s just normal dating now.  Plus the added variable of sharing a room.  I’m a little concerned about certain things changing because of all that.  By that I mean there are things we did because it wasn’t as serious of a thing that I kinda liked and don’t want to morph into the way normal relationships go.  I.e, I liked being kinda self sufficient within the relationship.  I liked that we didn’t need to spend a bunch of time together.  Like it wasn’t something I felt like I was obligated to do.  I liked that we could talk about other people we had dated and stuff like that that’s usually hard to bring up with a current boyfriend.  I like not feeling obligated to say I love you all the time.  Not feeling obligated to call every day.  I guess I just like the atmosphere of still having a choice. The choice to have alone time or not feeling like you need to do anything because this other person requires it of you.  Do it because you want to do it. 

There are some things I’m kinda looking to be aware of in my own head about now that this is a more serious relationship.  Like facing why I’m afraid to be unabashedly in love with the guy.  Why pretend like you’re not as into him as you are? Show him that love, dude.  Keep striving to be as direct and open about everything as he is because that shit is so refreshing.  Tell him things as it is.  If you don’t like something, don’t pretend otherwise to save some chafing.  Gotta be honest.  Don’t fall into not having your own life independent of his.  Cause you want to have your own foundation that he’s a plus on top of, not have him built into your foundation.  Be happy on your own first and foremost, and then have it be that much better cause he’s also there.  Find things you like doing on your own. Try to be more yourself when you’re at home, I know you hide little things like singing and whatever other goofy quirks.  He either likes them or he finds them annoying and if you’re gonna have this be a serious thing you might as well lean in and be properly serious about it.  Better he knows the whole you sooner than later.  You can find out if it’s gonna keep working or not.

Anyway I think being scared in the way that I am is good.  I’m scared because it’s new and because it’s an important choice in my life that’s getting me closer to things that I actually want to do.  It’s giving me more options, it’s letting me take as much control of my path as I can.  It’s exciting and terrifying but I have so many ways I can pivot to save myself if things start to get rough.  And I don’t mean difficult, I mean stagnant or taking a wrong direction.  I’m ready to grind and fight for the privilege to have a career that I’m passionate about and that I love doing.  I’m recharging by being around people who seem to feel that way too this summer.  I’m on the verge of jumping into the not safe choice and that’s thrilling.  I’m gonna make it happen. Whatever that “it” shapes itself into.

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Trust in Tomorrow

I’ve pulled out of that nosedive from a few days ago a little bit.  “Breaking up” with Tony was really hard, and I’m so dumb for thinking it would be any other way but that.  Maybe not dumb, because I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t gonna be a clean break by the end of it but I sure ignored that and left it for future me to handle.  So here I am handling it.  And I think I’m actually doing just that.  As rough as that first week out of California was (and it was rough) I think I’m thinking about all of that at least in a healthy-ish way.  

And let me add that the other factors making that week supremely stressful were the looming interview with Norwegian, picking up everything and moving. again. leaving behind the safety blanket that was santa maria, going from that to a job that was, in my head, a mix of dreary and giving up a little.  Trying to 3/4 get over Tony when I knew neither of us wanted to, and 1/4 consider the fact that we might be living together by the time we get to August.  Not to mention finally sitting down in the middle of that and actually reading Fatimah’s post about Juilliard, realizing it was a fucking sweet ass job that sounds so right for right now, backtracking because I don’t want the reason I want this job and 180 degree turn from the cruiseline goal I had set my mind on since December to be because that would guarantee I would be living with/dating Tony again.  Then being nervous about if I’m living there and we break up.  Being stuck in New York.  But would I really be stuck, because living in the city sounds like an adventure in its own right so it’s not like I’d be giving up anything really.  And while I’m at it- fantasizing about living in new york i might as well throw Tony in there because that would make it even cooler, there are so many things we could do together there and I’m sure he’d have so many ideas too.  But all of this is just speculation because I haven’t even had the cruiseline interview yet, but do I even want it at this point?  Do I turn down a job that I, in theory, will get an offer for even though this Juilliard thing sounds so much sweeter?  Why the fuck can’t I consider moving there because Tony is there?  As long as that’s not the sole reason and I’m not giving up my dreams for him, which I’m not- partly because I don’t even have a solid grasp on what my dreams are yet and also because it’s not like trying for Juiliard would be a stupid dream to follow.  It’s no low bar to have an indefinite job at motherfucking Juilliard in NYC.  And I’m so qualified for the position they have to email me back.  I’m so sickeningly close to just full on believing that even though I’m afraid of the alternative and how much that would make me cringe if they never did get back.  Which is an option...

Obviously I’ve been overthinking everything lately.  And I needed that brain dump.  Because that, combined with the advice I’ve been begging to get from friends and family this week kinda feels like it might be settling finally. At least somewhat.  Let me be brutally direct with myself for a moment.  

Here’s what I know.

I want to move to New York to be with Tony.  I’m tired of this Schrodinger’s boyfriend situation.  I know that there’s a big risk in moving into his room in the city because we could break up at any given time, not that it felt like we were heading that way any time soon in good ole Santa Marie.  I want to travel while I can.  Moving to New York would be travel, although on a smaller scale.  

Ok.  So I think that means turning down the cruise line job.  Even though I have my interview literally tomorrow morning. Ha, maybe it will make it easier to know that I don’t really care what their answer will be.  In fact, a no from them would make my path pretty clear.

In the meantime, while I wait to hear a response or even a lack of a response from Norwegian- I should back off a bit from talking with Tony like we’re still together.  Give myself some breathing room so that I can really see if I want Juilliard for me, rather than for the opportunity to be with him still.  Don’t tell him you’ve basically already decided to move to the city with him at this point.  Only do that when you’re sure you’re sure.

I want to move to New York for the opportunities it offers.  Or so the legend goes.  I say New York rather than the generic “big city” that I’ve been saying recently because living with Tony would be the easiest housing/moving option for right away.  Cheaper because I wouldn’t have to find roommates.  Small upside of that is the roommate would the boyfriend who didn’t want to break up with me either.

If I turn down the Norweigan potential offer, it would give me more time to hear back from Juilliard.  If I don’t hear back from Juilliard after turning that down, I would still move to the city to try and freelance while reapplying for everything under the sun, first and foremost cruise lines.  Take the best offer and who knows after that.  One problem with this particular daydream is that it wouldn’t be any easier to leave him again if/when I did get a different gig outside of New York.  I don’t want to leave that thought just for future me again.  Living with him for longer and then leaving for any job would be very hard to do again unless something big changes.  Just something to keep in mind.  But you can do it, he’s just a person and there are so many people to love.  Hard to face, especially when you don’t want to be away from someone or over someone- especially someone who is still into you too.  But it’s true and accepting that will help if it comes to that again at some point.

I haven’t been sleeping well or very hungry since I left California.  I can tell I’ve curled into myself a fair amount because of the stress.  And pathetically enough for those first 3 or so days, largely because of the pseudo break up. I’m trying to be aware of that stress and how it’s affecting me, trying to still be healthy and treat myself fairly.  Trying not to get stuck in a brain loop or have all these thoughts running through my mind all the time.  That part is much harder.  I haven’t been successful with that and it’s been showing.  Hence the poor sleep every night and hence the nausea. It’s all just on the back of my mind all the time.  I know worrying about which path I’m going to take isn’t helpful because there’s nothing I can do to change anything at this point.  I have no new information to help sway my decision, and I will be fine whichever choice I do make.  I need to try to be present and to focus on my work and building myself in my few months of being single because yes we did break up and yes you have all of this time to yourself, you just happen to be filling it with Tony and Macy because it’s been so hard to let go of the last year.  Because it was a great one.  But you’ve gotta be present in your friendships here too because they’re so much more temporary and you’re gonna be a Jill and miss them because you’re being too self destructive about living in the past year- even though it has moved on.  That’s not to say totally leave Tony and Macy out of your life, but just send them a message or two and then keep your phone out of your hand for long stretches of time and be present instead of trying to drag them here with you through the phone.  Call them on a whim every week or two to catch up on so many things.  But live for those things in the between times.  

Don’t spend all summer suspended in freefall, waiting to find the ground.  You don’t know if or when these companies will get back to you and you can’t do much to control that.  So don’t worry about it.  No really.  It sounds laughable but stressing is doing you no good.  Maybe set a deadline for how long you wait to hear back from Norwegian before you tell Tony that you’ve decided to go to the city.  Assuming you don’t find that a crazy idea after this week or so of waiting to hear back from them.  There- give it a week after the interview if you haven’t heard anything from them.  See what your options are for giving a delayed answer or start date to Norwegian.  Maybe you could start after a few months into the fall if you haven’t heard anything from Juilliard by then...

There are just so many factors that planning is doing you more harm than good right now.  Again, laughing in the face of your whole lifestyle but I swear to god this infinite stress loop you’ve caught yourself in is helping no one.

Breathe.  Give things time.  Trust in tomorrow.  Everything will be just fine.

Live your summerstock, talk to them when you can but don’t live your life to talk to them.  Make them wait, because they’re probably living their lives too and that’s just how these things work.

Tell Tony in a week.  Next Wednesday.  You’ll be fine.

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Two Roads Diverge

I don’t exactly know where to begin.  I guess just that the last few days I’ve felt like I wanna crawl out of my own skin.  And I want to say it’s not because of Tony but I know I’m lying to myself pretty hard when I try to pull that shit.  Leaving Santa Maria was way harder than I thought it would be at all.  Blindsided me a bit.  I’ve been feeling real down since then. Only three days since my last day there if you include the last day.  And I will because I was a mess all day then haha.  I think this is the closest I’ve felt to being broken up with, I’m realizing.  Even though this is what we agreed on from the start and I know we both still want to be together.  We’ve both been talking to each other as if we’re still together which isn’t surprising because I might be moving in with him in New York City in two months if this cruise ship interview doesn’t work out.  

Matt Koenig’s speech at graduation really struck a chord with me.  As graduation speeches always do with me for some reason.  The whole thing was about how to tackle fear.  There was a part where he was saying that people always get stuck between choices because they’re afraid to make the wrong one.  And he urged everyone to make any choice anyway, just pick one.  He quoted Robert Frost and said “two roads diverged in a wood and I, I...didn’t take either because- long ramble agonizing about the pros and cons of both- so I’m still right here”.  It was clever and kind of just clicked for me because I always agonize about things.  If I learned anything from Tony this year, and fuck did I learn from him, it’s that exact thing.  Just do something.  Especially if you know what it is you want, stop considering that other choice cause you’ve already made up your mind.  And for the love of god be honest with yourself, be direct instead of dragging out a bad feeling because you’re scared.  Mark Booher got me with a line in his speech at brunch too, just because the weight of leaving in a few hours sitting on my shoulders.  Knowing all the goodbyes I had ahead of me and especially not knowing how I’d be able to walk away from Tony instead of just staying for one more minute indefinitely.  Tony sitting right next to me while Mark was talking about what it meant to love working for theater.  He described love as enjoying something past the point of it just being fun anymore.  It just really stuck with me.  But with all that on my mind how could I think of anything but him sitting with me, knowing he was feeling just as rough about leaving because he had straight up told me instead of pretending he was feeling anything otherwise.  Enjoying being with someone past the point of it just being fun.

That what it was when I walked into that relationship in November.  Just a fun thing to enjoy for the remaining six months.  Not that I didn’t think he was cool to be around or talk to but that was just all it was for me at the beginning.  A funny friend who happened to be attractive and I could mess around with sexually.  No real pressure, and we kept to ourselves as much as two people can who live with each other.  It was really nice.  And then I slowly kept finding more and more things about how he is as a person that kept opening my eyes about how I live my life and that shaped me in some ways because of that.  Like I’ve said, he’s direct about whatever it is he’s feeling, he just does things he wants to do without agonizing over it first, he’ll find some wildly different way of thinking than how he currently is, he’ll dive into it and then reassess before he goes totally crazy about it and swings too far the opposite way.  He lives like he designs, I’ve noticed.  Huge, grand, impossible ideas at first and then catches himself and pares it down to a distilled version of that first over the top concept.  He’ll fight a differing opinion very hard at first but if it makes sense deep down he’ll give in to it sooner rather than later.  He apologises readily.  He’s so so distracted by tv, the fucking adhd loser.  But he will register that you’ve said something every time.  It just takes a second to get there.  Stubborn about his cigarettes when he’s drunk.  Knows better when he’s not.  Always singing and dancing and coming up with stupid character voices and with each and every one of those he takes them so much farther than I would ever think a person could.  So far past dumb that they just inherently make me laugh and I hate that he wins me over without fail.  Obsessed with classical art and movies and basketball.  Overthinks everything or doesn’t even think about it at all.  I could go on, believe me.  Anyway I’m pretty messed up about I guess limbo breaking up, to the point where I want to just sabotage this interview or turn it down and dive headfirst into The City and continuing to have fun with him.  Because I know if he’s started changing me this much in only six months there’s so much more of that to come.  And I love it.

I feel crazy for wanting to drop everything and stay with him because I’ve never had the scales tip strongly enough in favor of doing that over pursuing career options elsewhere.  But going to New York wouldn’t be a throw away by any means.  Ideally it would mean freelancing or even this Julliard staff carp job that Fatimah just sent me.  It looks like there’s work there it’s just scary freelancing work, and scary committing to moving into Tony’s bedroom after only dating him for 6 months and scary turning down a cruise gig that pays so well for not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from in a huge intimidating city.  But the alternative is literally making me sick the last few days.  I’ve felt sick and have zero appetite because right now feels like trying to start moving past him, and I don’t want to do that at all.  Even if that means giving up touring on a boat in Hawaii for 4 months.  I just am so afraid of getting this job and being a freelance tech again like 7 months after leaving Santa Maria and having him move on or moving on myself.  And then having no option for cheap housing there with him.  I couldn’t move in to his bedroom again after 7 months apart right?  That’s crazy to think that’s possible.

Here I am agonizing.  It’s all I’ve been doing the last couple days.  Probably why I’m feeling sick.  I think I need to 1. be honest with him.  I think it may have been dumb to break up on Sunday.  I think maybe we should wait until we know for sure if I have that job with Norwegian.  I just want to talk to him like we have been without feeling like I’m being clingy.  And if we’re both feeling it and there’s no concrete reason why we should’ve broken up- especially since moving in with him is very much still on the table- why not just stay dating...long distance... for another two weeks or so.  2. make a choice.  Pick a road regardless of the chance it may be the wrong one.  Because when in life are things so dramatically right and wrong?  I think either way the world will still spin and I’ll still be here.  So once I even know if the cruise ship place is giving me a real offer then all that means is I have a choice.  And all  I have to do is pick a road and start walking.

[memorycapsules]

Artists’ Dreams

I just saw La La Land with Tony and we were talking about how it’s an artist’s movie.  It was made for artists, for people forgoing the life path that makes sense for instead the one that calls to you from somewhere more ethereal.  But it’s hard to pay the bills from the ether.  Knowing that you could be full well making a stupid, romanticised decision that everyone taking who’s a more conventional path sees for what it might be.  An unrealistic dream. A mistake.  It just hit home a lot, knowing that mental struggle of- when is it time to grow up and face that you might have made the wrong choice...

I’ve been thinking about my quickly approaching future a lot lately, since my time at PCPA is coming to a close. About what it is I want, and how the fuck to end up there.  Too bad it’s not so straightforward.  I wish I knew exactly what I wanted but I really don’t.  I don’t have a department that calls to me as the right fit, and messing around trying to find that right fit is not only hard to do in a professional setting, but also feels like I’m going nowhere for a good bit of time longer.  

But even as I’m writing this, that doesn’t feel true.  Going nowhere would be not trying something new.  Would be just bowing my head and taking ATD jobs without even trying a new department first.  So maybe I am doing alright.  I think I’ve grown a bit complacent since graduating though.  Which isn’t a bad thing necessarily, but I think that a balance between the insanity of undergrad and the comfort of where I’ve been the last year is important.  

I’ve hung up my hustle since leaving the structure of school.  I don’t have someone else forcing me to complete their goals by a seemingly infinite number of deadlines anymore.  Which is so promising, because now I can set my goals to accomplish instead.  I just need to hold myself to it and, y’know, actually set some goals.  I’m asking a lot of the job field and if I want a dignified response to what I’m asking, then I better start putting in some work instead of just holding my hands out and continuing to be disappointed in the results.  And I have to start digesting the idea that I’ll probably need to work a job that I don’t want to work on the way to finding the right fit.  Be that a muggle job or just more carpentry work until I figure myself out.

There’s more to this train of thought but I think this is succinct enough and I don’t wanna ruin that.  Here’s to dubious choices and unclear resolutions.  Post grad life is a whole new animal and I think I might just now be beginning to get my bearings.  We’ll see how wrong I am about that.

[memorycapsules]

Pls enjoy this dope ass picture of me becoming a California skate rat in this Ross dressing room

[memorycapsules]

Resolutions 2017

I’ve been doing this style of new years resolutions for I think three years now, if you include this one.  So two other years’ worth.  I know I posted 2016 to my main blog but I’m not sure where 2015 is. Probably in a notebook somewhere.  Or in my Return to Sender stuff maybe, idk.  Return to Sender being my project in the form of a shoebox under the bed where I write letters to clear my head or get shit off my chest when there’s a lot going on up there all at once.  Usually fairly emotional haha.  Sometimes written to people, but I never send them or show people these.  Hence return to sender.  Anyway I like having an outlet like this to make my desire to tidy up my brain, and my goals, and my desires for myself into a rudder to at least get me started for the new year.  Rather than continuing to drift like I tend to feel happens as the year progresses. It’s a good way for me to sit down and talk to myself about the parts of me that I like where they’re going and to be real for a second and have a pep talk of sorts.  That’s what resolutions are for me anyway. 

Here’s what I‘ve got this year: 

work on your posture. it’s gonna better reflect your confidence if you’re standing like a real human rather than all shrunken in on yourself to avoid being noticed. be noticed. it’s ok.

put yourself first. stop making decisions based on what you think other people will think of your choices.  remember the earring situation, it worked out just fine and you’d never done it over the last 4 years because you thought people would think you would never be the type to do that. fuck all that, if you wanna do something, you’re the type to do that thing.

follow your gut.  in all things. if it feels right, it’s probably right.  that’s proven true so often, you should just full on lean into that. and if you’re questioning something, it’s probably wrong. two sides to that coin. don’t ignore that part just because it’s easier to not change the status quo. 

be more direct.  i know that’s not your default setting but you can feel it when you’re making any number of situations harder for everyone just because someone won’t come out and say something bluntly and honestly.  it’s just always better to rip that band-aid off. just fucking do it. i don’t care if it’s awkward for a second. it will always be better than dragging it out. and you know it. stop deluding yourself into taking shit for longer than necessary. 

feel guilty sparingly and say sorry less.  i want 2017 to be a year of taking no shit.  stop feeling guilty about something that can’t be changed; that you wanted to do, that you only feel bad about because someone else wants you to, or because that’s “how it should be”.  your situation is unique and guilt only causes stress over something you can’t change.  and if you can fix it, then do something about it instead of feeling guilty.  as for sorry’s, only say it if you mean it.  you don’t owe that to anybody unless it’s genuine.  and half the time, a thank you fills that sorry space just fine.

be unapologetically yourself. i think you spend a lot of energy trying to please people. relationships, coworkers, friendships. just be you and you’ll find out sooner who likes you for you, rather than the edited version of yourself, who’s trying to appeal to everyone and be generically agreeable.  Like what you like, even if it feels dorky or like something you shouldn’t be into. who cares. you like it, you like it. don’t worry so much about what you think people are thinking of you.  And make sure you’re not forfeiting your lifestyle in a relationship.

masturbate more. sex is important, and it’s kind of an area you’ve been ignoring. or just not putting nearly as much focus on as everything else. know yourself and what you like better and better sex will follow. balance is important everywhere and you’ve left this alone for too long.

So that’s where I ended when I wrote this out on paper on the 31st.  But in the last couple days I’ve thought of two more.

be present.  you live in your head a lot and sometimes that causes more anxiety than good.  sometimes you’re stuck in a situation for a certain time and nothing will change that.  so if you stay present and focus on the here and now of your situation, it’s harder to blow things out of proportion.  it’s also just a nice thing when you catch yourself slowing down and focusing on the quality of light, the color of the sunset, the sound of dead leaves rustling in the trees, feeling the sharp clarity of cold air on your skin and in your lungs.  it just takes you out of your head and you feel like you are where you are for a moment. you’ll never be back exactly there, so savoring that more often is a beautiful thing.

give more compliments.  it costs nothing and makes somebody’s day.  there’s literally no reason not to outwardly express those thoughts you find yourself having the instant you see them in public.  “her makeup is amazing, that’s a really cool jacket, your hair is beautiful...just say it.  you love when that shit happens to you.  all it takes is breaking that self imposed mental wall around you that keeps you separate from the public when you’re out doing something.

I ended my written resolutions with this paragraph.  Mildly embarrassing to share publicly, but I think I’m going for transparency so here it all is. (I used goddess because that’s what I told myself when I was riding the high of absolutely nailing this fake interview/portfolio presentation I had to do for work.  Plus it’s true :P )

You are a goddess and should stop giving the time of day to anyone who thinks otherwise.  You’re at you’re best when you’re accepting and forgiving of yourself, and focusing on your best qualities.  Know that you are worth a lot and never let that leave your head. Even when you make mistakes, even when you’re intimidated or nervous.  You are worth so much.

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I like what Rosianna Rojas does with her youtube channel. It’s a place where she catalogues her day to day life in a meaningful way, and I think the lens of collecting your thoughts with the intent of speaking to an audience is a big part of why it’s so put together for her. That’s what I’m after. Somewhere I can look back and remember, but also a place for the present me to collect my thoughts and check my bearings as I’m traversing daily/monthly etc life.

[memorycapsules]

Hi, I'm making this a personal blog in the hopes that I'll use it more often. I think I had it too specified before but basically I wanna use this as the same thing, but with lower standards of post quality... I could phrase that better. With less pressure on making a post that perfectly exemplifies a memory, and more posts of things as they happen. Think of a travel journal but the traveling is through my early 20s, cause god knows it's been a bit of me trying to find anything I can latch onto to feel less lost since graduation. Anyway, cool. Here we go.