#watching harry met sally kind of wrecked me last night too

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Trust in Tomorrow

I’ve pulled out of that nosedive from a few days ago a little bit.  “Breaking up” with Tony was really hard, and I’m so dumb for thinking it would be any other way but that.  Maybe not dumb, because I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t gonna be a clean break by the end of it but I sure ignored that and left it for future me to handle.  So here I am handling it.  And I think I’m actually doing just that.  As rough as that first week out of California was (and it was rough) I think I’m thinking about all of that at least in a healthy-ish way.  

And let me add that the other factors making that week supremely stressful were the looming interview with Norwegian, picking up everything and moving. again. leaving behind the safety blanket that was santa maria, going from that to a job that was, in my head, a mix of dreary and giving up a little.  Trying to 3/4 get over Tony when I knew neither of us wanted to, and 1/4 consider the fact that we might be living together by the time we get to August.  Not to mention finally sitting down in the middle of that and actually reading Fatimah’s post about Juilliard, realizing it was a fucking sweet ass job that sounds so right for right now, backtracking because I don’t want the reason I want this job and 180 degree turn from the cruiseline goal I had set my mind on since December to be because that would guarantee I would be living with/dating Tony again.  Then being nervous about if I’m living there and we break up.  Being stuck in New York.  But would I really be stuck, because living in the city sounds like an adventure in its own right so it’s not like I’d be giving up anything really.  And while I’m at it- fantasizing about living in new york i might as well throw Tony in there because that would make it even cooler, there are so many things we could do together there and I’m sure he’d have so many ideas too.  But all of this is just speculation because I haven’t even had the cruiseline interview yet, but do I even want it at this point?  Do I turn down a job that I, in theory, will get an offer for even though this Juilliard thing sounds so much sweeter?  Why the fuck can’t I consider moving there because Tony is there?  As long as that’s not the sole reason and I’m not giving up my dreams for him, which I’m not- partly because I don’t even have a solid grasp on what my dreams are yet and also because it’s not like trying for Juiliard would be a stupid dream to follow.  It’s no low bar to have an indefinite job at motherfucking Juilliard in NYC.  And I’m so qualified for the position they have to email me back.  I’m so sickeningly close to just full on believing that even though I’m afraid of the alternative and how much that would make me cringe if they never did get back.  Which is an option...

Obviously I’ve been overthinking everything lately.  And I needed that brain dump.  Because that, combined with the advice I’ve been begging to get from friends and family this week kinda feels like it might be settling finally. At least somewhat.  Let me be brutally direct with myself for a moment.  

Here’s what I know.

I want to move to New York to be with Tony.  I’m tired of this Schrodinger’s boyfriend situation.  I know that there’s a big risk in moving into his room in the city because we could break up at any given time, not that it felt like we were heading that way any time soon in good ole Santa Marie.  I want to travel while I can.  Moving to New York would be travel, although on a smaller scale.  

Ok.  So I think that means turning down the cruise line job.  Even though I have my interview literally tomorrow morning. Ha, maybe it will make it easier to know that I don’t really care what their answer will be.  In fact, a no from them would make my path pretty clear.

In the meantime, while I wait to hear a response or even a lack of a response from Norwegian- I should back off a bit from talking with Tony like we’re still together.  Give myself some breathing room so that I can really see if I want Juilliard for me, rather than for the opportunity to be with him still.  Don’t tell him you’ve basically already decided to move to the city with him at this point.  Only do that when you’re sure you’re sure.

I want to move to New York for the opportunities it offers.  Or so the legend goes.  I say New York rather than the generic “big city” that I’ve been saying recently because living with Tony would be the easiest housing/moving option for right away.  Cheaper because I wouldn’t have to find roommates.  Small upside of that is the roommate would the boyfriend who didn’t want to break up with me either.

If I turn down the Norweigan potential offer, it would give me more time to hear back from Juilliard.  If I don’t hear back from Juilliard after turning that down, I would still move to the city to try and freelance while reapplying for everything under the sun, first and foremost cruise lines.  Take the best offer and who knows after that.  One problem with this particular daydream is that it wouldn’t be any easier to leave him again if/when I did get a different gig outside of New York.  I don’t want to leave that thought just for future me again.  Living with him for longer and then leaving for any job would be very hard to do again unless something big changes.  Just something to keep in mind.  But you can do it, he’s just a person and there are so many people to love.  Hard to face, especially when you don’t want to be away from someone or over someone- especially someone who is still into you too.  But it’s true and accepting that will help if it comes to that again at some point.

I haven’t been sleeping well or very hungry since I left California.  I can tell I’ve curled into myself a fair amount because of the stress.  And pathetically enough for those first 3 or so days, largely because of the pseudo break up. I’m trying to be aware of that stress and how it’s affecting me, trying to still be healthy and treat myself fairly.  Trying not to get stuck in a brain loop or have all these thoughts running through my mind all the time.  That part is much harder.  I haven’t been successful with that and it’s been showing.  Hence the poor sleep every night and hence the nausea. It’s all just on the back of my mind all the time.  I know worrying about which path I’m going to take isn’t helpful because there’s nothing I can do to change anything at this point.  I have no new information to help sway my decision, and I will be fine whichever choice I do make.  I need to try to be present and to focus on my work and building myself in my few months of being single because yes we did break up and yes you have all of this time to yourself, you just happen to be filling it with Tony and Macy because it’s been so hard to let go of the last year.  Because it was a great one.  But you’ve gotta be present in your friendships here too because they’re so much more temporary and you’re gonna be a Jill and miss them because you’re being too self destructive about living in the past year- even though it has moved on.  That’s not to say totally leave Tony and Macy out of your life, but just send them a message or two and then keep your phone out of your hand for long stretches of time and be present instead of trying to drag them here with you through the phone.  Call them on a whim every week or two to catch up on so many things.  But live for those things in the between times.  

Don’t spend all summer suspended in freefall, waiting to find the ground.  You don’t know if or when these companies will get back to you and you can’t do much to control that.  So don’t worry about it.  No really.  It sounds laughable but stressing is doing you no good.  Maybe set a deadline for how long you wait to hear back from Norwegian before you tell Tony that you’ve decided to go to the city.  Assuming you don’t find that a crazy idea after this week or so of waiting to hear back from them.  There- give it a week after the interview if you haven’t heard anything from them.  See what your options are for giving a delayed answer or start date to Norwegian.  Maybe you could start after a few months into the fall if you haven’t heard anything from Juilliard by then...

There are just so many factors that planning is doing you more harm than good right now.  Again, laughing in the face of your whole lifestyle but I swear to god this infinite stress loop you’ve caught yourself in is helping no one.

Breathe.  Give things time.  Trust in tomorrow.  Everything will be just fine.

Live your summerstock, talk to them when you can but don’t live your life to talk to them.  Make them wait, because they’re probably living their lives too and that’s just how these things work.

Tell Tony in a week.  Next Wednesday.  You’ll be fine.