mellow-cello

[mellow-cello]

Where'd I go? Where's the next chapter?

So it's been about a year and a half. Way longer than I meant, of course. So... What happened?

A lot of it can be summed up like this: depression snuck up on me, and when I finally started to become less depressed, I just got stressed instead. I'll leave the rest under the cut, but for those mostly curious about the next chapter: it's still being written. I can't say when it'll be done, but I haven't stopped working on it.

Yeah, so depression is a sneaky bitch. I knew I was having trouble, but it just... Became too much for a while. I finally decided to change my medication for depression, but admittedly it was a rough start and I hit a pretty low point at the beginning of this year.

Since then, I've been working on getting back on track, but I just switched out that for life stress it seems like. Another friend is having a mental health crisis, my wife's physical health has become more and more severe, and I've taken to doing website contracts on the side which has been its own tidal wave of stress.

I think about writing often, but it's likely to be a bit longer while things... Happen I guess. Whether I find a new balance or we all collapse, it's gotta change at some point. I know this isn't an update that most folks were looking for, but I can promise I haven't abandoned any of my fanfics. They're just not a priority right now.

[mellow-cello]

Hello! Not a question and I'm sorry if I'm being annoying rn but I have post a few fanarts inspired by "under the surface"(https://twitter.com/aquwo_/status/1669062863858679809?s=61&t=svmof1ffydkIhdwx9oAEHQ) and just wanted to make sure you've notice them. That's okay if you just don't wanna interact with them or something not trynna to press on you! And sorry if 'm being annoying! But this fic is important to me and I just want to show HOW MUCH it is important to me and how much im appreciate &love & adore your work

I am so so so so SO sorry for how long this took. I saw this days ago and absolutely lost it with how much I loved this piece. Admittedly I've been in a weird sort of mental health state for a while, and this absolutely floored me. I honestly have been spending days trying to put into words how much I love this, but I don't think I'll be able to actually articulate it. The care you put into the expressions is phenomenal. The tenderness there in both pieces from Harry to Snape and then Harry to Draco is just... It makes me so damn happy.

In case anyone is having trouble with links in asks, here's a hyperlink so you can put this art into your life faster.

[mellow-cello]

I haven't updated in a long while. I can't say life has been too hectic, it's less hectic than before, but the writers block has been harsh. So, if anyone's interested, I'd love to do these

Unusual Fic-Specific Asks for Authors

Send me one of my fics + one of the following:

Perspective Flip: I’ll write a scene from [that fic] from another character’s point-of-view

BTS: I’ll write a DVD commentary about my personal favorite passage from [that fic]

For Want of a Nail: Send me a minor detail to be changed (i.e., Character A chooses blue instead of red, Characters B and C swap places in one scene) and I’ll tell you how [that fic] would be different

Time After Time: Send me a timestamp sometime in the future after the end of [that fic], or sometime in the past before the story started, and I’ll tell you what happened then

The Million Dollar Question: Ask me any random question, big or small, about off-screen events in [that fic] and I’ll answer it!

[mellow-cello]

I’m curious about all my gaming followers: first Pokémon game, first Zelda game, and first Mario game in the tags?

[mellow-cello]

Why are you still participating in the Harry Potter fandom if you truly believe in trans rights and BLM?

Hi! This kind of question is 100% valid, and I honestly appreciate you asking it. I think many other people in the fandom have been able to answer this question more eloquently, especially those who are POC and trans, and too be clear, I default always to their experiences on this topic because it is not my place to speak on behalf of anyone POC or Trans.

The last thing I want to do as a white and and CIS person is speak from a place of outrage that I will never fully be able to fully understand coming from the place of privilege that I have being white and CIS.

Please bare with me as this is a much longer answer than I intended, but I literally have no idea how to use less words to explain my personal experience. Which is unfortunately the only experience I have to speak from. I could also literally write a full like 10 page paper on like this if given the energy, but I would much rather invest that time into writing gay fanfic.

So, this is my story and why I defend my participation in the fandom on tumblr and AO3(not the author)

When JKR was originally open about what a dumpster fire she was, I basically purged what was left in my life of all things Harry Potter. I stopped watching the movies, buying anything pertaining to it, and I stopped talking to other people about the series as well. I grew up with this series and as a younger person, the fandom made me feel safe and accepted when I was a teenager and RP-ing with my friends, beginning to write terrible fanfiction. So the fandom meant a lot to me at that point, but when I became a healthcare worker I started working 50-60 hour weeks and stopped doing everything from high school I enjoyed.

Like everything that brought me joy besides singing in my car, stopped.

When JKR outed herself as a TERF and I started hearing out POC and Jewish people pointing out the injustices, as well as the blatant missed opportunities for characters, especially Harry and Hermione to be POC, I was so disgusted with her and embarrassed by the fact that I backed the story for so long, I really did not touch it at all until last November when I was doing in home care and saw the movies playing on a cable channel, so I watched them. And then I immediately turned to tumblr for the fandoms opinions, and I’m glad I did.

I was connected with teams of people from every aspect of the spectrum of LGBTQIA and POC. Hearing the reasons they continue to be apart of the fandoms, their reasons for not letting this trash human being steal the enjoyment of a story (though problematic) that affected a lot of us in a positive way and brought so many of us together to form a community of people that continuously criticize the original work and creator, and making new stories and characterizations that are realistic and inclusive and that are reflections of people’s own lives. OR reflections of a world we wish to see, which is also insanely valid in escapism.

In addition, Kirby Alice on TikTok discusses A LOT of the social injustices, and the egregious problematic writing issues in the series. Highly recommend her content as someone who doesn’t just jerk off JKR whenever they talk about HP.

Our response to a rigid bitch that hates fanfiction of her work, hates gay and trans people, hates fat people, hates hyper-feminine women, clearly has an issue with the Jewish people and POC as well as people with mental illness or any kind of disabilities is to write her characters with those attributes.

We write Pansy thicc and curvy and Ginny Trans, and Draco gay and Trans and we give him the redemption a 17 year old should have been given because people should be allowed to admit to mistakes and correct the wrongdoings, and Harry bisexual and Trans and POC, Hermione pansexual, Demi, Jewish and POC, etc. We give them complex and complicated journeys through the mental health issues, and physical disabilities that there’s no way they don’t have after being children of war. We write the wixen world with the corruption that wasn’t fixed or really fully addressed in the books at all, as well as so many other tropes that directly challenges the original series.

As a fandom, we do our best to listen to each other about the injustices, and condemn JKR for her shitty opinions, and show her that she is not taking away our ability to still love these characters, and expand the world to our liking. Ya know like every other fandom is allowed to do?

Because being incredibly frank, there are tons of books we still read on mass levels that were written by the worst kinds of people. Dr. Suess is my exhibit A for that.

I think that’s one of the more frustrating parts? like it’s assumed that anyone left in the fandom loves JKR with our whole chest? Cause we don’t. She wrote like 100 queer baited characters and the one she “wrote gay” (after the fact) is possibly the most morally grey character in the entire series.

She allowed a child to remain in abuse for years until the plot device of a love connection? When it was very easily debunked that that was necessary. Snape is somehow 100% redeemed by just being in love Harry’s mom? Even though he hated all the kids he taught and was like actually torturing and abusing Neville. SPEW was written like everyone was annoyed with Hermione for wanting freedom for the house elves. Like what the fuck? She’s also arguably not a good writer for many other reasons including plot holes and the mere factor she couldn’t just walk away from her work and be done with it? Also don’t even get me started on the infuriating mistake of an opportunity that fantastic beasts was. They basically pissed all over the idea of having the center of the plot being about the cool mythical creatures with no other than Albus fucking train wreck Dumbledore

We’re not supporting the multi-trillion dollar franchise, we are honoring the characters in our own way to fill whatever hole we have in our childhoods from a story that lured us into a false sense of security and comfort of a family and something that understood us, then ripped it away.

And also we’re ultimately creating art and stories for free for each other to just look at and enjoy.

I don’t buy anything with licensing or royalties attached, I only purchase Hp things from small businesses on Etsy. And I don’t support people who talk about HP things without knowing they’re ally status. It’s why it’s on my bio, because I know it’s something people look for when they follow someone.

I don’t defend the books, they are not infallible, I defend what they meant to a lot of us growing up and how they helped a lot of us become the people we are today who have found each other in this community. Who are free to be who we are here. Open and compassionate and empathic and supportive and creative.

I personally don’t regret the decision to be in this fandom. It brought me a connection with friends on here that I’m forever learning from, growing from, and overall helping me to be a better person. It brought me back to my passion in creative writing. It literally helped me realize that I am Bisexual.

It’s highly horrific that she has turned around and denounced and ostracized an entire subculture of the fans that related most to a little kid literally stuck in a closet by people that were meant to love and protect them.

This really got out of hand, and I am really sorry at how much I've tangented, but like I stated at the beginning of this, I didn’t just immediately find justification to the fandom. Like the true Aquarius sun, Virgo moon, and Libra rising I am, I looked to those who knew better, who lived the lives most affected by JKR in question. I was away from this fandom for a while before JKR was vocal about being a TERF and etc, and in reentering HP tenuously, I quite literally refound myself through this fandom.

You are allowed and are valid in having a different opinion than me or anyone else. You are fully valid in critically questioning those of us in the HP fandom to ensure your safety. You're allowed to hate me even after learning my story. It makes sense, and it won’t hurt me at all if you do, though it is upsetting to think that someone thinks of me a bigot. And to be honest, if this was a different day, or if I had addressed this before I probably wouldn’t have responded in this way, especially not this long winded.

If you read all of this, I hope it made any sense, and I hope this comes across genuine to people who read it, because I love this fandom and I love my friends here so much.

[mellow-cello]

Oh gosh how did I not notice you'd posted until today!!!

Heyyyy!!!! It's Bill, everyone's favorite neighbor and big bro!!!!

Bill Weasley commission for @mellow-cello

based on their fanfic Under the Surface ❤️

[mellow-cello]

Hah. Don't we love to hear my periodic ramblings about my life and struggles (idk if anyone does enjoy this but it is cathartic for me to talk about things here)

So I've been diagnosed with ADD. Everyone I've told has said "oh you didn't know?" But the truth is I did. And didn't?

I DID say I think I have ADD/ADHD, I had all the evidence (my sister was diagnosed, my mother also had some mental health struggles, it's very likely it's genetic). I didn't want to tell people I certainly had it, but I'd say it was likely if it came up.

Yet I realized that, well, when it came to actually taking action as if I did have ADD/ADHD, looking into tools and finding a proper diagnosis to possibly get medicated, I always hesitated. It was like there was some part of me sure I was an imposter. I watched one video a few months ago specifically about completing projects with ADHD, and I have NEVER related so much to a self-help guide. Then I refused to watch any others that YouTube suggested to me.

I don't know. It's like I was scared of being disappointed. That I'd get it in my head I REALLY have this issue, only to find out later that I'm actually just a neurotypical person who is lazy and weak. Like I've always had this skeptic in the back of my mind, picking apart the things I see in myself, telling me I've just decided I deserve special treatment when these are issues everyone deals with.

It startled me to actually get a diagnosis. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, but I was left balancing the skeptic with what the doctor had said.

I'm adjusting. It's still startling to find tips that actually REALLY speak to me. It shouldn't be this easy, it feels like cheating, and a little like I've wasted so much time too. It's like a breath of fresh air, and in a way it almost hurts as much as it's relieving. Seeing posts and articles that fully outline every difficulty I have with chores and projects and my day to day life. They've always been there, but I still feel like I shouldn't touch them.

It's like realizing I've been playing a game on the hardest difficulty, but at this point changing the setting feels... Odd. Right, but wrong too? Like it was stupid of me not to have done this a while ago when I knew something was wrong, and it also feels like it's disingenuous when I COULD sometimes get through levels so clearly the problem lies with me being lazy.

It's an adjustment. I'm getting there.

[mellow-cello]

God I love this so so so much! I can't stop staring. Thank you so much!!!

Sketch page commission for @mellow-cello 

These two were just too much fun!~ Ahh I just adore when not only do I get to draw peoples OC’s but when the references come with writing, stories about the characters for me go off of oh it’s just the best! >v< The sketches and characters practically draw themselves 👀 Thank you again for choosing Kenny May for your commission today!~ 

[mellow-cello]

I’m not even much of a fan of genderbends but goddamn am I even less of a fan of getting ordered around about what I should enjoy and how I should enjoy it and being lectured about how ‘problematic’ it is, when the real problem is that they’ve cast the thing in question in black and white and refuse to admit that there’s anything but their narrow framing.

Changing a character to the ‘opposite’ cis gender is a very different thing than making them trans or nonbinary. Insisting that people only change characters to trans is also really damn invalidating, because it implies that being trans is interchangable with being cis. Whoopsie doodle!

I think the real issue here is that a lot of people want to see more trans headcanons, but for some reason think that using sj words while being bossy and rude is the way to go about it. Dress it up in progressive language all you like; at the end of the day you’re still being bossy and rude to get what you want, regardless of anyone else’s valid feelings.

[mellow-cello]

I bring to you...

PICTURES OF KITTEN

Anyway this is Artemis and we love her very much, she's about 14 weeks old and super tough in the face of two giant cats and a big ol dog

[mellow-cello]

Chapter 69 - Birdcage will be out in like a second. This is the first chapter to include art, which I’m gonna put under the see more because I love it but it’s the tiniest bit spoiler-y (it may not be clear though), and because ao3 doesn’t want me to upload an image but rather link to it, and I don’t know what image platform the kids are using these days that’ll not give me a broken image in a year.

The art was done by Linnea, who you can find on Twitter here!

[mellow-cello]

Dang it, not again

[mellow-cello]

*whispers* Hey y’all. Progress is finally being made on the next chapter again. More details under the cut that do go into what’s going on since my last post.

My cat, Cady, died recently. It was clearly coming, but all of it was still awful. She didn’t make it to her euthanasia appointment that we’d set, which sucks to know we were too late with it. It’s not a pleasant topic, but yeah.

In much brighter news, my dog is doing well. We still don’t know what it was that had the vet so scared, but after getting it removed they haven’t come back with news that they need more tests urgently, so we’re hoping it’s not as bad as they initially thought.

We’ve gotten two new birds since Razz (the first one died), and we got a new kitten following Cady. It feels a little like replacing them, but at the same time I know how much I loved them and how much I still think about them. Filling the space they left behind doesn’t seem so awful.

I also remembered I have very low vitamin D levels and had also stupidly stopped taking my vitamin D daily. Vitamin D is important for things like sleep, focus, organization, and memory to name a few. Since I kicked myself back into taking it daily, my mind’s been clearer, which is really nice. I have the energy and drive to get things done again for the first time in what seems like months.

Anyway, I’m feeling like I’m starting to snap out of it again. Exercising has been as helpful as everyone says, though it can still be annoying to do daily.

I’m 5,000 words into the chapter so with luck it’ll be done very soon (famous last words, especially for me, but hey, I feel better today). Fingers crossed <3

[mellow-cello]

Sad post ahoy. The long and short of it in reference to fanfics is: I'm very sad right now, give me a minute on those chapters I have to finish. The extra long is under the cut for discussions of pets and their health.

I am... Very sad at the moment. My eldest cat, Cady, is 16 and is pretty clearly dying. According to the vet, she has a tumor in her stomach. Due to her age and the location, they just... Don't think there's anything to do. She's on medication to help with pain and digestion. She's sweet and cuddly as always, but... Yeah. She's got a swollen stomach and it seems like any day she can just go.

My dog, Astro, who I got in August, may also have a tumor, potentially a more malicious one. He's about 10, and we knew he'd have health problems when we got him, but still... He's such a sweet boy and we've barely gotten any time with him.

The cat my friend left with us finally found a new home and I'm so worried for her. I miss her, of course, but my own animals have finally gotten back to normal, yet she's... Well, difficult. We hope we won't have to take her back, but even more so I'm scared of her ending up in a worse situation.

To top it off, my bird died yesterday. What bird? The one I had for all of three weeks. He was loud and brave and fierce, but we think he might've been sick since we got him looking back at the signs. I feel like an idiot, honestly.

I'm rubbed completely raw. My wife got me a soda that I forgot about and I started crying when I realized I'd left it out. I woke up at 4 this morning and have been up since. My head is constantly pounding. This has been a hellish week. I've cried more than I have in a long while.

I'm just ready to stop getting bad news now.

[mellow-cello]

*whispers* is anyone down for a spooky one shot? Because I might have a spooky one shot in the works for Halloween...

[mellow-cello]

hello! just wanted to say that i couldn't stop reading UTS in the past week and it's the longest ff i have read so far. I must admit it made me cry several times, you truly worked hard to make such amazing story!

I hope you're not hard-pushed with asks, but how far do you plan to go with UTS?

I'm so glad you enjoyed my fic!!! And I still can't believe how many people have been moved to tears by it. Gosh, thank you so much!!!

I fully plan to write to the end of the original story, though admittedly there are a few points in year 6 and 7 that will be a little accelerated. I do 100% have a plan for the climax and it's probably the most I've deviated from the major plot points of the original books. Aside from that, I also have a series of epilogues and side stories planned, and I'd honestly have probably made UTS into a series by now with side stories if I could think of a name... Basically a lot of content is getting prepared and I'm gonna give ya the full story from the world of UTS. I think it'll be a pretty satisfying ending too. I'm excited honestly~

[mellow-cello]

MAJOR trigger warnings below for rape/sexual abuse.

My response to @idioticconsultingdetective’s post.

When I was 15, I was raped. It has, naturally, left me with a lot of trauma. I still get intrusive memories sometimes, when my brain pushes traumatic moments to the forefront of my thoughts for no apparent reason.

It doesn’t happen much. Once or twice a year maybe. And yes, it has been happening today.

Every victim of trauma has their own coping mechanism. Earlier this year I found a fic on ao3 that I found actually helped. It was gross, disgusting (NOT romanticising anything as @potionsev has suggested) and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Somehow - I’m sure a psychologist could tell me why - it helped me to compartmentalise my intrusive memories. I’m now more able to make myself believe the memories are just scenes from a story. Now, on the odd occasion it happens, I can go to that fic and convince myself I’m just reading a story.

I have never actively promoted that fic to anyone. The only reason it was discovered, someone looked at my ao3 bookmarks and found it. I should have made it a private bookmark, but to be quite honest I didn’t even consider something like this would happen.

When Twitter user ols7en asked me why, what was I to say? Was I to tell a 15 year old stranger, in 140 characters or less, that I was raped and the fic helped me process my trauma? Perhaps I should have not responded at all. I made a mistake in trying to brush it off as if it was nothing. I hoped they would move on, but perhaps I put too much stock in my irrelevance.

But at the end of the day, none of what I just said should matter. It shouldn’t matter why I read something. Policing what people read in fiction is policing thoughts, and as we hopefully all know, that’s a very, very slippery slope.

I don’t owe anyone this explanation. I’m giving it anyway because I know communicating my feelings helps me calm down from the near on 12-hour anxiety attack I’ve been having today.

Now, why did I delete my twitter account? Well, I’ve been close to it for a while now and this triggered my final decision. I’ve tried hard, for months, to fit in with the twitter fandom. It’s never worked. I’m not sure why - is it the generational gap? Is it the character limit restricting nuance? I’m not really sure. I’m the same person here and there, and here I seem to be vaguely popular. So there’s got to be something different between the two platforms restricting me from bridging the gap.

Pandora pointed out two things.

1. Sexualising Snape and Alan Rickman. We all do it here (mostly). Not so much on twitter - why? Again, who knows. Maybe in hindsight I should have restricted minors from following me.

2. ‘Attacking’ other users for developing minor characters. Not at all what happened, again perhaps this is due to the character limit restricting nuance. I tweeted in response to someone else that I found it confusing to log on and see people talking about characters I’ve never heard of. It certainly wasn’t an attack. Some people took issue with my describing them as ‘original’ - as if this is something I, with my 200k-word OC fanfic, would ever use in a derogatory sense.

What has really saddened me is the way Pandora has made this a personal goal to… whatever her goal is here. It’s sad because I liked her. I thought we were getting on. Then to be told I was never liked - that hurt. Why follow someone and interact positively while harbouring resentment? Why not simply not follow, not interact? I feel silly being personally hurt by a stranger on the internet, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.

Finally, to end on a positive note, I want to say a great big THANK YOU to everyone who has been kind to me today. I have told my side of the story to friends and they’ve comforted me, but more than that, people I don’t interact with have come to my defence. People who don’t follow me, who don’t know me or my side of the story. They’ve seen Pandora’s post and defended me. That, to me, is the true nature of the Snape fandom. 💚🐍