martinaphillips

[martinaphillips]

Boss

“You should just ease up on us employees, sometimes you demand too much,” Kevin told his boss, finally saying something.

His boss did not react too kindly. He exclaimed, “Are you telling me how to do my job?!”

“Oh, you don’t like it either?!”

Check mate...actually fired.

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Eyes

Phil rolled the dice.

“Snake eyes!” his friend said.

Suddenly Phil’s pupils started changing then his whole body. His skin became slick, arms and legs disappeared, tongue became thin, and next thing he knew he was slithering on the floor as an actual snake! 

There was no telling what kind of dice these were, but no one wanted to roll next.

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Animals

Becca just moved into a house with her boyfriend. It was their first time living together.  They had been a couple for a little, things went going fine.

Besides the house, they also got a cat. The feline was going fine too except when it was outside the cat would leave dead animals on the front porch.

Becca noticed another dead animal on the porch. Becca said to her boyfriend, “The cat left another dead rabbit on the porch. I wish he wouldn’t.”

“He didn’t do that,” her boyfriend.

“Who did? Do we have a fox?”

“No, I leave the animals there.”

“What?” Becca said stunned. Her boyfriend said nothing more and walked out the room. She then realized it was too late. She was living with a psycho.

[martinaphillips]

Song

Amy had a song in her head. It was something she had never heard before. Drawing inspiration, she wrote lyrics, the music, and recored the song.

Amy shared it with her friend, Susan.

After Susan said, “That’s already a song. I just heard it on the radio.

Defeated, Amy, realized perhaps that was why the song was in her head. 

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Fantastic

Mr. Fantastic walked out of the hospital

Human Torch: Same news?

Mr. Fantastic: Yes, you severely burned people

Human Torch: Is it me?

Mr. Fantastic: Yes, you are literally walking fire.

[martinaphillips]

Candy

Charles was going to any lengths to get the most candy.  A complete stranger came up to him while he walked to the next trick or treat house and said, “I have some candy for you.”

Most kids would ignore a stranger, but Charles heard candy and replied, “Oh yeah? I’ll take some.”

“Here’s some special gum,” the stranger said.

Putting the gum in his hand Charles looked at it, “I could use some gum right now,” he said, “What type is it?”

Charles put the gum in his mouth. The stranger said, “It’s gum you never stop chewing.”

“Really?”

Charles started to chew and soon realized the stranger was being very literal; his jar physically could not stop moving up and down.  He started shriek in disbelief.  The strangers laughed.

Another example why not to take candy from strangers.

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Trick or Treat

Angie was hitting every house this year. It was Halloween again, the neighborhood she lived in was a pretty large, no one had ever achieved hitting up every house.  Of course there were those who did not celebrate, however, a majority of the houses did.

Angie was so determined with her goal, she had walked away from her group. She was making great time. So many houses had been visited. On the corner there was a giant mansion. It was huge and elegant looking, painted ivory white, bushes cut into designs, and a fountain in front.

It was magnificent.  Angie looked around to discover she was alone.  No one was going to this manor. Angie had never recalled seeing this residence before; even if she wasn’t too close to her own house, this place would have stuck out and been talked about it.

Of course, there was no doubt. Angie was going to knock on this door. Walking up the slick drive way Angie walked up the large steps to the iron front door.  Confused at first, the doorbell was a rope of sorts to pull down. An actual bell rang. The giant door opened slowly. A man in a top hat and monocle appeared.

“Why hello, little one,” he greeted, “What are you tonight?”

“Um, a fairy,” replied Angie feeling unsure about the whole situation.

“I’ll cut the small talk and just give you some candy.”

The man gave Angie several full size candy bars. Angie watched amazed.  She cried, “Thank you so much!”

“Oh, it’s only Halloween once a year!”

Angie thanked the man again and wandered back to the street.  Her friends walked up.  One asked, “Where have you been?”

“Oh, I walked further ahead,” Angie explained, “Hey, I just went to the mansion over there. The guy gave me a bunch of full size candy bars!!”

“What mansion?”

“The one on the corner…” Angie looked around to see just a run down boarded up home.  She was distraught. She got the candy bars out of her bags.  Her friend saw them and asked, “What type of candy are those? I’ve never seen heard of them. I don’t think that make them anymore.”

It was all too weird. Angie did not know what to think.  She continued on her mission knowing that was going to be the best house of them all. 

[martinaphillips]

Mad

“You’re mad about me?” Eric heard Lisa say.  It made him feel elated inside. They had only been dating a few months, knowing someone loved him so much was exhilarating. He wasn’t even sure what to say.  Finding the words Eric replied, “That’s incredible! I’m mad about you too!”

“What?” Lisa asked, confused, “I said I’m mad AT you!”

Things were the opposite of what Eric had thought. 

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Smart Animal

Article: Many animals are so intelligent they can recognize themselves in their reflection in a mirror

My cat when he looks in a mirror: Who the fuck is this other cat?!

[martinaphillips]

Rome

He did it, Romulus killed Remus, the city would now he named Rome.  The people cheered. One exclaimed, “Let’s celebrate!”

“You’re right!” Agreed Romulus.  He then started to have sex with a dog.

The people watched horrified.  They had forgotten who raised him

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Potion

It had to work, Megan followed the recipe exactly, her love potion was complete.  Jake was coming over soon, he’ll drink it, and follow for her.

Everything was going to plan.  Jake sat at the table and Megan went to get his drink. In anticipation, she watched him drink it.  Taking a gulp and swallow, the potion would began to work soon.

Megan eyed him asking, “How do you feel?”

“I feel…” Jake began to speak, “I feel…” Megan hung on his every word, “I feel…”

Suddenly he started to vomit violently on the ground. Megan looked at the scene horrified.  Stopping for a second Jake looked up and asked, “Why did you give me to drink?!”

All Megan could wonder was if the potion was still going to work.

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Mugged

Being mugged a horrific, traumatizing, Dave had to move on. He had to get out of his house. To avoid such a crime to occur a second time he had a plan.

On another dark night, some guy up to no good, approached Dave looking for trouble.

Dave was dressed like The Riddler. He said, “Hey, what’s up? Yeah, I’m a bad guy just like you! What trouble are we stirring up tonight?”

The new muggers looked each other and proceeded to mug and beat up Dave.

His plan had failed. 

[martinaphillips]

Pickle

Jess and Kate were ready to play the pickelball, the new craze sweeping the nation. They walked on the court about to go. Bringing out their equipment a bystander asked, “What are you two doing?”

“About to play some pickle ball!” Jess cheered. Kate joined in her enthusiasm.

“Those are squash rackets,” the bystander said.

Jess and Kate looked at their rackets confused.

“And that’s a racquetball ball.”

They then looked at the ball, feeling embarrassed.

“And you’re on a tennis court.”

It was too much.  Kate cried, “Why are all these sports so similar?!!”

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TSA

After being randomly selected the TSA officer discussed with Kyle how he was going to get padded and the whole procedure.  

After explaining it all the officer said, “We can do it out here or we can go somewhere more private.”

Confused Kyle asked, “Are you asking if we can get a room together?!”

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Midnights

Julie walked out of her apartment mid-morning on a weekday. Her neigherbor, who work at home, was taking out the garbage and saw her.

“You work from home too?” They asked. 

“No, I took the day off. I observe this holiday” Julie replied.

“Oh, what holiday is it?”

“Taylor Swift released her new album.”

It was a holiday to some people. 

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Permanent

Billy thought he had such a trick; draw a penis on the dry erase board. Snickering as he did it, the teacher came up behind him and exclaimed, “Billy! Erase that immediately!”

Laughing hysterically Billy calmed down and agreed. As he tried to erase it, nothing came off. The drawing was not rubbing off. The teacher asked, “Did you use permanent marker?!”

Billy was stunned; he had. The teacher said, “Oh do I have a punishment for you?”

Billy stayed after class and had to draw 100 penises on a chalk board. The joke had run it’s course.

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Egg

Dave went over to Joe’s for brunch. Sitting at the table, Joe brought over some food on a plate.  Putting it down he swallowed a raw egg.

Dave saw and asked, “Did you eat that raw? Is that safe?”

“Yeah, I’ve been doing it for awhile. I’ve felt fine.”

As soon as he finished talking, Joe started to fell pain. A sharp ache was in his stomach. He feel forward holding himself. The pain was so severe Joe fell on to his knee, howling. Joe’s nerves popped out.

Dave watched in complete shock and fear. He had no idea what was happening. Being too stunned to respond, suddenly, animals started to shot out of Dave’s body. 

Birds were flying all around. Joe destroyed body laid in a pool of blood. Dave was right, eating raw eggs was not safe.