marigoldenchrys

[marigoldenchrys]

One friend sent a KakaoTalk message saying,

“I think you're always working hard. You inspire me all the time.”

At that time, I was just actually lying face down and tracking my online shopping delivery.

— from the book I Decided to Live as Me by Kim Soo-hyun

[marigoldenchrys]

I listened to "Who" by Lauv and in my head it was like experiencing an out of the body moment, of me being told those lyrics of the song by a certain person. Or, me telling those lyrics to myself...

[marigoldenchrys]

Gay... Spy Agent?

hey guys, it's my dream again! Without further ado, here's my dream last night~

my goddamn dream was both so cool and strange. first was, I'm with my little sister and older brother (idont have a sister irl) i dont remember which brother i was with but yeah. the context was, we were travelling as children who lost their home and parents. we stopped at one place and found a cheap little eatery (idk where we got the money) then we ate there for a long amount of time. during that, there's this one little boy who seemed like a spoiled one. he kept bothering both my sister and brother, I was already getting annoyed by him, he also kept bullying them. so by the time he went for me, to try to bully and bother, I didn't hold back. I stood up and yelled at him, telling him that I've been holding back my anger since he started to bother my siblings and I couldn't take his shit anymore (in this dream, i was like 8-9 years old) i told him no one can bully my siblings except me, and that they don't deserve to be treated this way by a little spoiled brat kid. The crazy part is this, "Do you know why it's me defending them right now? Huh? Do you know why they couldn't stand for themselves? Because I'm both them! I'm gay!" This dream was absolutely crazy.

And then it switched to me being an adult and context was, I'm a special agent, like a spy or something like that. My mission was to execute this bad guy (don't know exactly why he was bad but yeah) so.. even though it was just a dream, man it was exhausting getting this man be executed. The fight happened on a big apartment inside a very very big, luxurious building. Although I had a hard time with that mission, the ending gave me mixed emotions. The ending was, when this bad guy had a gun, it doesn't shoot bullets but it does— okay I searched it up and it's called Flamethrower— I managed to steal it from him, but he was already about to escape. So when he was closed to the kitchen stove, I throw the Flamethrower there and it exploded. SO MUCH EXPLOSIONS. He died. But, the neighbors apartment got included in the explosions so that made me worried SO BAD. I asked the lieutenant, "Were they included? Are the people fine? Oh my god... this is my fault" And when the police were cuffing the bad guys (the main bad guy died) I also raised both my hands so they could cuff me, but the lieutenant held my hands and shove it down and said, "You didn't mean it and you did a great job. That man could've done a lot worse of damage than you. Pull yourself together." AAAAAND MY DREAM ENDED.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

I seriously don't know how that dream happened and why. They said dreams have meanings, so.. does that mean I'm gonna be a spy agent? I'm already gay so... ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[marigoldenchrys]

I have not lived that long enough to say that all men are shit. I haven't dated a lot of men to say they all have the same shitty personality. But I'm not blind and deaf, for me not be able to see and hear what most men are like. I've got my share of "those" type of men that is just really disappointing.

I was hopeful, I was giving two to three chances, I was ignoring what other people was saying, and I was doing better. But all it took to destroy my progress was one man breaking the trust I had given, the hundred percent of trust. After that, it's like I've got no trust left in me for all the men. It's been ten months of building a wall so thick and high that I don't know if anyone could ever break it and refill the jar of hope and trust.

I would believe a man's words and actions about something else, but if it's about taking care of my heart and entrusting it to them, no I won't believe a thing. It would take a long time break the walls I've built.

[marigoldenchrys]

my dilemma

For a long time, it has always made me feel cool and proud to be mistaken as a man, because of the way I fix myself and the way I dress. Always been embarrassed to show how "girly" I really am and despised wearing women's clothes even though my heart screams to wear some. Would gag at cheesy stuff that only girly girls can relate, yet deep inside, I feel it too. Yes, I do like both men and women, but I've never had a girlfriend because I get really shy plus I always get a crush on my best friends which would mean friendship over, and I can't afford that. It was way easier to date men.

I love girly things. I like dresses. I like make-up. I like looking pretty too (even though I still obsess over how handsome I am, especially if I was actually a man). I like to be treated like a princess. I want to be respected like how women should be. I want to be handled like I'm the most fragile thing in the world. I have never felt that I am a real woman my entire life.

Ever since I can remember, I've always had my guard up. My walls are so high. Hid my true nature. Have always been so tough, rough and as if I'm always ready to fight. I have never let anyone see the soft side of me unless we're really close. I lied a lot just so no one could ever think that I'm easy to break. I want to be able to like women without trying hard to look and act like I'm a man. I want to be able to like men without putting walls that prevent them from knowing me more.

I guess I'm afraid, from being taken advantage of. That has already happened to me, not once but twice and now... I'm confused whether I should continue this painful facade or just break free and show everyone that I'm actually like that potchi gummy candy. Sweet and soft, and yes- pink.

[marigoldenchrys]

I'm like the weather

I could be minutes of gloom and rain,

and then be a ray of sunshine,

the bluest sky with a rainbow

and act as if puddles of rainwater

won't ever stain

[marigoldenchrys]

the british-pharmacist guy, again

I dreamt about Hide again. This time, it fueled the feelings I have for him that I have been trying to get rid of. This one's extreme and truly surprising and unexpected. Here we go...

The dream started as me and him strolling the hallways of a University Campus. The mental context is that we're both in college that's why we're there. As we passed by every classrooms, we leave some comments about them, so on and so forth.

It felt kind of awkward for some reason, because in the dream, we know we're not a thing (even in real life T-T) and yet the way I cling to his arm is like... there's something between us. But how I speak to him, it's like he's just a bro or something like that to me.

We stopped strolling and just stayed in one place, away from the eyes of the students from any classrooms. We moved closer to the railing corridor and looked at the quadrangle of the campus. Resting our elbows on the railing, slightly bending forward. I forgot what exactly we were talking about but this part of my dream was really emphasized. I heard him mumble something, I thought I misheard it so I keep asking him to say it louder and properly.

He stood up straight and faced his whole body to me and said, "I want you to be my girlfriend. You're giving me these signals and... I want you." And the way he said it, he sounded like a child that's about to go sulk in the corner, hahaha.

I stand frozen and couldn't believe what I just heard. At some point in that moment, I know I was dreaming because I know deep inside my heart that this couldn't be possible. However, the dreaming me was powerful enough to let me be fully happy for what was going on.

I hugged him as my tears came running down my cheeks. As I feel his warmth, my heart beats so fast and I couldn't help but asked, "Are you sure?" It's like the dreaming me knows that Hide is a career-driven man that couldn't be distracted with stuff like this.

"Yes, of course!" Hide kissed me passionately and my whole face heated up. It felt so vivid.

And then the next thing I knew, we were on my family's house. Talking about random stuff and looking out with our dog and my cats.

_________________________________________________________

How does it feel? Great, but too great that it breaks my heart actually. I don't know who he really is, so I'm really avoiding to feel something more than "like". And it's so clear to me that we are never gonna go pass being co-workers or friends, if he even see me as one. Being aware and constantly reminding yourself, is so exhausting and painful yet the joy I feel just by seeing him and having him near me, is also so great and addicting.

I may or may not have created my ideal of him. I'm not sure that's why no matter how painful the truth is, I'd rather suffer than trying so hard to believe that maybe we could be.

[marigoldenchrys]

Dreams are scary too.

I've shared at least two of my dreams here. It all seemed fun and exciting, ain't it? I'm someone who dreams a lot, random ones, sometimes they're very vivid that I think they have meanings. I think I dream mostly because of overthinking about someone, about a very unfortunate situation that happened or because of desperation about something. Until one night, I had a nightmare where I realized that it was only just a dream. Realizing that made me panic, I thought I was never going to wake up.

Since then I started having those kinds of dreams. Well, they're nightmares, where I'm aware I'm only dreaming and yet I'm having a hard time waking up.

Well, this has been on the drafts for quite too long and I completely forgot what was the exact thing I was gonna share but I'm gonna try to continue it.

We all have experienced good dreams and bad dreams. But dreams where you're aware that you're dreaming, are the scary ones. Why? Who knows what could happen. There's a lot of myths about these kinds of dreams and I kinda don't really wanna dwell on that much because as I type this right now, I'm feeling scared.

Chop chop y'all! Try not to be stress too much so you only get sweet dreams when you sleep. Ciao!

[marigoldenchrys]

some days, I break hearts

most days, I mend hearts

or maybe not

[marigoldenchrys]

Your daily dose of cat memes

[marigoldenchrys]

"A painting is more than the sum of its parts."

- Flipped (2010)

This is one of my favorite movies! I think I watched this for the first time about 4-5 years ago. This scene is the most memorable to me. This quote doesn't just apply to a painting.

[marigoldenchrys]

I keep seeing people making fun of using growled, hissed, roared, snarled etc in writing and it’s like.

have you never heard someone speak with the gravel in their voice when they get angry? Because that’s what a growl is.

Have you never heard someone sharply whisper something through the thin space of their teeth? Or when your mother sharply told you to stop it in public as a kid when you were acting up/being too loud? Because that’s what a hiss is.

Have you never heard a man get so blackout angry that their voice BOOMS through the house? Because that’s what a roar is.

Have you never seen someone bare their teeth while talking to accentuate their frustration or anger while speaking with a vicious tone? Because that’s what snarling is.

It’s not meant to be a literal animal noise. For the love of god, not every description is literal. I get some people are genuinely confused, but also some of these people are genuinely unimaginative as fuck.

[marigoldenchrys]

The struggle of being a writer.

[marigoldenchrys]

We are two hearts but with one beat.

- The Little Rascals (1994)

This movie was so cute! Alfalfa being a woman-lover, sensitive, caring, loving and thoughtful can really attract ladies. That's what women want~

[marigoldenchrys]

Everyone who's ever met Jungkook has talked about how humble and kind and sweet and friendly he is. He helps clean up with the staff, he buys staff things too, he does spontaneous lives for his fans and he's openly said that he's okay with people approaching him if they see him (within reason).

And whilst part of that will be how his parents raised him...your teenage years are hugely influential on what type of person you'll grow into, and what kind of people you surround yourself with are important to that.

What that means, is that teenage Jungkook was basically raised by six other teenage boys of varying ages and backgrounds...and because they were all good, hard working and kind people...it moulded Jungkook into that too. As he said, he could've easily turned into a mean person if they'd been mean because teenagers are so damn impressionable.

And when you look at how universally adored and respected Jungkook is by other idols, the media, the fans and the other members...that's a really great reflection on the kind of people BTS are.

[marigoldenchrys]

Aries and Cancer will never be a good match.

There's always a deal breaker, a conflict. Although it seems that it's working, there's an underlying itch from the other of wanting to break free and yet also misses the touch and how the other party makes them feel.

[marigoldenchrys]

I like her. I can bear it. And I'm someone who's fucking exhausted of her job because I don't like it and it's just not for me. I'm someone who is afraid that her dreams might just stay as that. I'm someone who keeps reaching for something, just something, I honestly don't know what that thing is. I'm simply like most humans are, have dreams, have a job, tired, feeling lonely, wishing to undo something that already happened. Whether I'm rich or poor, popular or not, I'd like to think that I'm just simply a human and that I cannot be greater than humans. Just tryna survive this game of life.

who are you when you are not watching tv or movies? when you aren't playing video games or reading a book or fanfiction or listening to music or whatever other kind of media that you engage with? who are you when your mind isn't in another world or story, when you are forced to sit with yourself and the only experience you have is your own sensorial life? can you define yourself outside of what you consume? who is that person? do you like them? can you bear it? can you bear it?