makingiteven - Tumblr blog

[makingiteven]

patron saint of not giving up even though you would like to sometimes

(https://www.instagram.com/p/Bb_VEHtBqS3/)

[makingiteven]

Why did you have to clap at only me? Why are you all maskless at Aldi? Is it because the wages are high enough? Is it because you hate this pandemic? Did you clap at me because of my headphones or because I was Chinese or because I was leaving a gap of space between me and previous customer or because I was wearing a KN95 mask? Why did the staff skip me instead of someone else? Was it because I was Chinese and a woman that you thought I would be a pushover and a easy prey? Why?!?!ARGH. Service folks don’t have it easy, and I can still be enraged by the security guard clapping at me! Arghhh. Sigh. Argh.

- Joyce

[makingiteven]

Chinese in America

Upon recommendation from my good friend, Linda Chu, I’m currently reading Chinese In America, by Iris Chang. 

We’ve both always liked history, but her referral came after the publication of the New Yorker article, “The Two Asian Americas,” by Karan Mahajan, which I believe was a timely reaction to the New York Times op-ed, “The Asian Advantage,” by Nicholas Kristof.

In comparison to Kristof’s article that reinforced the unhelpful stereotype of Asian Americans as the model minority, Mahajan gives a more in depth analysis to the history of Asian Americans. When I told Linda of my appreciation of the historical background in the book, she suggested Chinese in America. 

Here are some snippets that got me thinking:

These snippets are from Chang’s introduction about the book. 

“The mass media have projected contradictory images that either dehumanize or demonize the Chinese, with the implicit message that the Chinese represent either a servile class to be exploited, or an enemy force to be destroyed.  This has created identity issues for generations of American-born Chines: a sense of feeling different, or alien in other own country; of subjected to greater scrutiny and judged by higher standards than the general populace.” 

“Another important theme has been the struggle of Chinese Americans for justice. A long history of political activism belies the myth that Chinese Americans have stood by and suffered abuse as silent, passive victims. Instead from the very beginning, they fought racial discrimination in the courts, thereby creating a solid foundation of civil rights law in this country, often to the benefit of other minorities...”

Wonderful personification and imagery about Qing governance in China as she sets the foreground about the place where Chinese Americans originated. 

“The government was bloated, increasingly inefficient and ineffective at controlling a growing and restless population.” 

The next passage is a description of Chinese prisons in the Qing dynasty that made me questioned the accuracy of every ancient series that Hong Kong and Mainland Chinese produced that I have seen.

“A Chinese prison was the last place anyone wanted to go. Conditions for the incarcerated in China exposed the depths of cruelty of the Qing dynasty.  People were caged like animals, left in filth, dying from disease. Men were often left chained to decaying corpses, forgotten by the wardens. A mobile version of jail was the cangue, a cage in which the victim would be paraded before jeering crowds in the streets. A small opening cut into the bars at the top permitted the prisoner’s head to be drawn up for the display to the crowds; each rough jostle would throw his neck against the jagged edges.” 

This description is definitely more cruel than the large cages displayed in the television series. 

After reading her book, I have read A Larger Memory by Ronald Takaki, Making of Asian America by Erika Lee, and am currently reading The Chinese Question by Mae Ngai. They are all historians that drew connections over time and analyzed the changes across continents and governing bodies, but I keep wondering what made Iris Chang take her own life...No one’s life is quite the same, but after learning about Chang’s fate, there is a lingering sadness every time I think of her. Is it a warning of the unpleasantness that academia and research sometimes entails? 

I had just attended the Asian American / Asian Research Institute 2022 Gala and I was definitely fangirling over all the scholars of the papers I have read, but instead of fangirling, perhaps, I could’ve taken more courage and embraced the tomfoolery of speaking with people I respect. I eventually did speak to Joyce Moy who was retiring after 20 years of service - without AAARI, I would have never been more encouraged to conduct independent research in during my Master’s program, as well as see the impact of research on the community and policy. I have to thank the LaGuardia Community College graduate and rising Hunter College Environmental Science student, Naurene, who encouraged me to speak with her instead of fangirling. 

From the action, I felt emboldened to speak to Kevin Nadal, who is also another scholar and advocate that I first learned about after reading about microagressions. 

Galas aren’t the best place to speak about research, especially when you are competing with the busyness of a multiple course Chinese banquet style dinner, bustling and hustling waitstaff, bad acoustics, but it was fun nonetheless to celebrate Joyce’s service while also laugh with the students and staff. I’m glad I made it even in the chaos and messiness of the event. Perhaps the gala is a metaphor of how it feels to be academia: even when folks are celebrating the brilliance of strides in meaningful research, a lot is missed in the chaos and messiness of life. That and perhaps, they can pick a different venue...perhaps a more pan-Asian catering possibility, instead of just Chinese focus - that would be the best and embody more of the essence of pan-Asian solidarity and coalition building.  

-- Joyce 

[Original draft written on November 06, 2015.]

[makingiteven]

it always happens unexpectedly

- Joyce 

The Color Curtain: A Report on the Bandung Conference, Richard Wright, 1956. 

In 1955, Wright traveled to Bandung, Indonesia in order to cover the first Afro–Asian Conference, which brought together twenty-nine African and Asian nations whose populations collectively constituted over half of that of the entire world at the time (including much of what would soon be widely termed the ‘Third World’). He described the meeting as one of “the underdogs of the human race… class and racial and religious consciousness on a global scale.” 

[makingiteven]

Reactive

Oy, I just reread my email to the colleague. 

I sounded obnoxious and grammatically incorrect.

Darn. I need to chill and proofread.

I hope this doesn’t obscure my point or intention.

sigh. blindsided by my emotions of anger and frustration, I wanted the email to wash away my feelings of helplessness of being belittled. 

Why did she think it was okay for her to act and say the things she did?

Psychological distress. 

I also sounded self righteous. 

:::::::::groan::::::::::::::

- Joyce  

[makingiteven]

Wait, what?

It was happening before I knew what was happening. She was making noises (similar to the mockery in this npr article) that I could not comprehend. It was afterwards when I was sitting back at my desk that I was able to slowly connected the dots. 

She was mocking the Chinese language. She spoke the words, “Chinesen” the German plural form of Chinese people with disgust. 

We were at work. She was talking about vacation. How did she end up talking about this? Chinese tourists... she found them annoying. They did not know how to appreciate the nature of Bryce and Zion. She positioned her method of enjoying the national park as superior to their shallow experiencing. But, why did she had to mock them? She knew I was Chinese American. What was trying to do?

I had to leave. 

Did what happened actually happen? 

Digesting and dissecting the sequence of events with two of my colleagues, along with their validation and encouragement, prompted me to write her email. (She had already left for day. I had to settle for the second best option.) 

Perhaps, she didn’t know that she was being offensive and racist. Seeing ones bias and prejudice, which is unconscious, requires exploration and crisis. Perhaps, she has never been confronted with it. 

What a way to spend my Friday afternoon~

oy. sigh. bright side, I am applying my graduate education after the semester ended. I found some allies at work. I am learning to speak out against offensive acts, in hopes that she will learn to be more aware. 

We all need to learn to be more woke, to raise the unconscious to the conscious. yeah. 

– Joyce

[makingiteven]

last week i saw my dr. and when I was explaining to her about some family dynamics (inconsideration & expecting me to do do everything) and my emotional exhaustion - she asked if it was because of some “Asian cultural thing” that makes them rely on me so much.

????????? tbh I don’t how to explain why it bothered me so much.

it was almost like I had to defend both parts of my identity to this woman - my Chineseness and Americanness. 

im exhausted.  

-K

[makingiteven]

Thoughts on Fictional Love and Reality

Lately, I have been revisiting the Harry Potter fandom. Reading fanfiction (lol) AND I joined Pottermore (I’m in Gryffindor! Though I thought I’d end up in Hufflepuff.) Anyway it really got me thinking about certain characters and how those thoughts reflect my own self..

The scene that I will never forget is during the final battle - when Narcissa Malfoy checks to see if Harry is alive. Betraying Voldemort and abandoning the mission so she could find her son. That hurt me. It fucked me up

Not to say that Narcissa was an ideal character..she was a terrible racist ass but her love for her family was something I can’t get over. She loved Draco so much that she’d do anything to protect him. She gave him her wand to use while she and Lucius were left at the manor with no protection. 

And back when I first read it (2007) I couldn’t understand why it had such an impact on me. But after a couple of years and just trying to understand myself - I totally get it. While Narcissa was a pretty shit human being - I wish my mom was as devoted to me as Narcissa was to her son. 

I’m sure my mom loved me (maybe I’m not sure - I don’t even want to think about it and let myself fall into that hole of self-doubt.) but growing up with her was hard. Symptoms include: debilitating self-doubt, shitty self-esteem, and an absolute destruction of self-worth. 

Yeah, Narcissa did teach Draco that blood purity nonsense but he seems rather sure of himself as a person (not so much during the war but you know) And dammit, she was there for Draco no matter what and I wish my mom was there to reassure me that no matter how much I fuck up that it is okay and that she still loves me. 

-K

[makingiteven]

How should you treat people who are serving you?

Answer: Always with respect!!!  Just because they are serving you, please do not feel any sense of entitlement and make crazy demands. Be courteous and use the phrases and words, “may i,” “please,” and “thank you.” 

As an ex-barista and server who worked in a wealthy posh neighborhood in NYC, here’s some advice to customers from my own experiences and my fellow workers’ complaints.  I was also guilty of some of these offenses, before someone vented to me. 

DON’T 

- throw money on the table or  throw money in general

- talk on the cell phone or have headphones on when speaking to the server 

- complain about prices (the person who you are talking to is not charge of the prices. Also to pay livable wages to people and create yummy, local, and organic food-- it’s gonna cost $$$)

- go to the counter and say, “ I don’t know.” 

Please look at the menu and choose. It won’t be the end of the world. Ask about food content, if not listed, especially if you have food allergies. 

-- Joyce

[makingiteven]

If I Was A Chinese American History or Ethnic Studies Professor...

...these items would be part of my materials for the class.

Written Oral Histories

Asian Americans: Oral Histories of First to Fourth Generation Americans from China, the Philippines, Japan, India, the Pacific Islands, Vietnam and Cambodia - Joann Faung Jean Lee

Short Stories

Open Mic: Riffs on Life Between Cultures in Ten Voices - edited by Mitali Perkins

Memoir

A Chinaman’s Chance - Eric Liu  

History Book

Chinese in America - Iris Chang

Video

Asian Stereotypes: Understanding How Microaggressions Impact Youth & Professionals - Oct. 27, 2015

Graphic Novels

American Born Chinese - Gene Luen Yang

The Green Shadow Hero - Gene Luen Yang 

Ms. Marvel (2014 - ) version

Secret Identities: The Asian American Superhero Anthology - Jeff Yang, Parry Shen, Keith Chow, Jerry Ma

Monstress, writer Marjorie Liu and artist Sana Takeda (COMING SOON..can’t wait!!!) 

Articles

The Two Asian Americas - Karan Mahajan

Asian American Speak Out Against ‘Model Minority’ Myth - Yanan Wang

Guilt is One Of The Biggest Struggles First Generation College Students Face - Linda Banks-Santilli 

-- Joyce

[makingiteven]

There are now, in a sense, two Asian Americas: one formed by five centuries of systemic racism, and another, more genteel version, constituted in the aftermath of the 1965 law.

Karan Mahajan, The Two Asian Americas, http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/the-two-asian-americas

What do you think about this quote and claim?

-- Joyce