madeofvenus

[madeofvenus]

Sylvia Plath, The Letters of Sylvia Plath Volume I: 1940–1956

[madeofvenus]

Imam Al-Ghazali // Tennessee Williams

[madeofvenus]

Im angry and selfish.

an aggressive crybaby who just pictures so many things going my way, but suffocating on tears once nothing turns out as planned.

I’ve been on my weight loss journey since March and if I can be Frank, I’ll admit my healthy traits have demolished and I’ve turned into a girl who cares now more about the importance of having a skinny body rather than a healthy one.

I eat and binge eat, curve food into my mouth as if I haven’t ate in years. And what do I do next.

I erupt. Removing the food from my system before it can weigh itself into my body.

I cry so selfishly when I’m finished, and act like nothing is wrong. and then I tell the world that I'm doing fine. I eat as if I hadn't had anything in my system for days around people. and when I'm alone all that guilt controls me and I'm left with nothing more to give or to take out of myself.

[madeofvenus]

Lots of people think loneliness shapes itself into a quiet person— dark and silent. A mystery that shades into peoples auras.

But it can transform into anything. Into loud laughter, iridescent smiles, and life filled eyes that glisten with false purpose. I’ve found it’s easier hiding then I can rush and escape somewhere private after eating to throw up the food I’ve just eaten. It’s easier just pulling my lips into a beautiful crescent moon and watch people be in awe at the glow. I have destroyed my own expectations and the expectations of myself for the world to see.

I have shaped my loneliness so that the world can continue on blinded.

[madeofvenus]

For as long as I could remember 

all I ever wanted was to be loved

I wanted to be loved as a child

As a sister

as a daughter

as a woman

I always wanted to be loved in my drawings

and painting

to be loved through my writing

through my beauty

I never wanted to wait to feel loved

I never expected to do things the way people wanted things to be

I expected things to go my way

To feel love from everything 

From everyone

Everyday 

Forever 

But I can’t please myself

Nor can I please others

I will never be loved the way I want to be

and I will never feel love the way I always dreamt it to be

I will never be able to tell people my siblings loved me

Nor will I ever say my parents loved me

Nor will I say I was anyone’s crush

Cause even if they did love me

It was never the love I wanted

[madeofvenus]

I’m still the same little girl who overfills her cup of milk cause I just want more all the time

I never know when I’m full

until things are flowing against the floor

and I’m left in nothing but a mess

that's when my worries and guilt start to shame me

I’m still the same little girl who smiles at strangers

not knowing boundaries 

or common sense 

never knowing when to walk away from danger

cause attention is all too familiar 

I'm still the same little girl who seeks validation 

Cause its better to seek confirmation rather than silence

Even if it isn’t affirmation

it's better to live with attention than with silence

- little girl 

[madeofvenus]

and with every shaky breath, there was a hallow step.

the more I have disliked myself, the more I have disconnected from myself and from the world. there is no image of myself living on this planet, the thought of myself existing is hard to imagine in my mind.

there is no value in my own kindness, but of some reason I feel something inside me when I feed off of negative thoughts. my perception in life causes me to falter a lot, whether it has to do with relationships or challenges. I will simply remain weak and watch the world continue to evolve and move as I still stand where I have always been, still not envisioning myself alive.

so I take another heavy step, my bones like steel yet fragile as a snd castle. my lungs inhaling sharp and thick chunks of air into my lungs only to exhale a thin and light void into the air.

2024, August

[madeofvenus]

Wet and Faded, by ehvery.

[madeofvenus]

[madeofvenus]

marker sketches from my diary

[madeofvenus]

My life has been so weird lately, I don’t even understand where to take it from here. I look around and wonder how to begin some change, and further dive deeper into asking myself: do I even want to change? Will change be good or bad? Will it make things worse or better?

All I want now more than anything is some calmness to my already hectic life. Everyday there’s yelling in my home, there’s nothing more than only scowls and stinging voices shouting through each room. Tears spill from many eyes and for once, I’m sitting in my bedroom listening as their voices tremble against walls and sends tremors into my room. May I walk into the kitchen where my parents bedroom is so close by and I can hear their attempted whispers of how disappointed they are.

My eating habits have only faltered and minimized my value and self awareness as a living person on this planet. My motivation to change simply changes everyday.

It’s scary sometimes cause my whole childhood was revolved around losing weight and being body shamed by everyone I knew. Whether it was the bullies at school or the home that was supposed to be my only flee to protection. My mothers eyes burning on me while the waiter asked what I’d like, my fingers flipping the kids menu to the other side to reveal a selection of salads that might be nice.

But I was only seven, fixating on weight and being controlled on everything I ate. sometimes I’d leave everything untouched or I can clear a whole plate. I’d find a seat infront of toilets the rumbling growl in my stomach and even now as I speak about this I want to hug the little girl who was destroyed.

But i want to heal, i want to fix the little girl before searching for people who want to “fix” the broken hearted. I dont want to keep living a life where i have to keep people out of my life. I want to tell myself everyday that i have a fucking good life and I have a lot to enjoy and a little to lose. If I cant heal what has hurt me, I’m only going to bleed on people who didnt even hurt me. I may not be where i want to be and I may not be the person I’ve always wanted to become, but this is where I’m at right now. Some things worth having don’t come easy, and most things that bring us pain make us stronger for the next.

January 2023 / diary

[madeofvenus]

You Won’t Be Alone (2022)

[madeofvenus]

[madeofvenus]

like you a little 📹

[madeofvenus]

Betrayal is the worst heart break ever. You cannot fight me on that.

It takes so much for a person who is nothing, but laced with trauma to put their walls down and reveal their vulnerabilities to a person they expect nothing, but understandment. I never ask for much from a person, but to stay as long as it comes with protection and sheer genuine feelings between us both. I hate knowing a person I’ve trusted can become someone unworthy of being in my life. Then to watch them walk away with blood stained hands as the sharp blade is still plunged into my back, It’s hard to just stand there and watch them walk away after such a despiteful crime— but I’m just so paralyzed and feel like you have no strength to follow or to even save yourself. I just stay there and allow the pain to corrupt my body. All I can wish for is that guilt can bring them back, but the thing about committing a crime is that most people are cowards and will never return to face the consequences. They allow years to pass by before showing their face with a sticky smile that shows no shame or guilt in it. They arrive nonchalantly the second time, wicked and oblivious.

Betrayal is the worst type of suffocation that clogs the lungs.

[madeofvenus]

Emily Jungmin Yoon, "Between Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice, Today" from A Cruelty Special to Our Species. 

[madeofvenus]

“I still remember you as a little girl who overwaters plants because she doesn’t know when to stop giving.”

― Trista Mateer