lucky-lunch

[lucky-lunch]

Apple Pie

Price: $5

the dollarama nearest me recently got a boost in inventory variety, at least in the food department, and I was finding my snails in a can and lemon biscuits and this miraculous thing in the aisles of my humble 'Rama. there are two main reasons why I refer to this pie as miraculous: 1) it being a whole ass pie, looking not too worse for wear; and 2) this thing, and I'm calling it a thing, sat on a shelf with no other obvious means of preservation, and expires at the end of August. It is currently January as of purchase. This product of Italy, imported here from possibly Montréal, sat on a dollarama back storage area and then front shelf for God knows how long, and for god knows how long still. filled with some semblance of fruit, this object keeps for over half a year in a "cool, dry place". this is zombie apocalypse survival pie. this thing outlives certain grandparents. so, how does end-of-the-world pie taste? what does the last drop of sweetness you'll ever experience on your tongue as you barrel roll through the void at the end of the universe feel like?

just as the simple plastic packaging reminds one of generic no brand Halloween candy, it also smells exactly like generic no brand Halloween candy. this flat piece of candy rock oozes artificial sweetening like puss from a wart. Yes, I regret that sentence too.

and again, just like single use plastic packaging, there's no going back, no resealing this ancient curse. I'm going to be incredibly brave for a second and sample a tiny fork full unheated, as the deities of capitalistic, fast and exponential consumerism intended. do not be fooled by the photo, the camera colours are pulling a lot of the weight here making this look appealing. I'm just too lazy to figure out how to stop the automatic filtering. in real life it looks dull.

so, it's not inedible, and I can imagine eating this and a single tear rolls slowly down my face as the flavours evoke an involuntary reminiscence on the good ol' days (2025), sitting alone on a garbage pile next to a dumpster fire under a bridge (like a troll) or in a sewer (like a mutant ninja turtle) as I wait out 5 months of continuous acid rain in the year 2056. I'll think about how I haven't had any food that isn't mock cockroach gruel for 20 years and the artificial, allegedly apple, sweetness makes me choke up because I've forgotten flavours existed. the seasoning of time and suffering and absence of joy makes a delicacy of this dish - oh wait, that's happening around the world right now, isn't it. silly me. Anyway, I'm getting undertones of cardboard over fragrances of day after on sale holiday candy that, at gun point, I supposed I'll say is apple. it's not not apple. a tree was once involved.

it's slightly better heated up. the apple flavour is enhanced and it doesn't feel as sad anymore; I might even realize I'm eating a - oh, the heat also makes it so much sweeter - imitation crab meat of an apple pie.

verdict: I'm p sure you can get better apple pie for the same price in supermarkets. unless you hit a real low point in your life, and you want to sit on the cold kitchen tile while you shovel expired splenda into your mouth to really hit a home run for the worst day you've ever had, i recommend abstaining. you won't die but you're not living either, you know?? actually, I feel like I'm getting heartburn in real time. it gets a D, because 1) I can get better elsewhere; 2) it tastes radioactive; 3) it smells expired; 4) an 8 month shelf life for a baked good that generally conjures to mind freshness is sitting as right with me as this pie is on my palette right now; and 5) i don't think i need more reasons. it gets points for potentially being there for me when i'm still standing after the earth implodes. and i guess for being passably edible. i guess.

[lucky-lunch]

Ultimate Lemon Creme Biscuits

Location: Dundas West dollarama across from the station

Price: $2.5 CAD

I may have started too strong with dollar shellfish but trying zany things is not the (entire) point of this blog. We are here to dig for treasure.

God Damn. This dollarama has an incredible biscuit and cookie selection; what on the ever loving green EARTH. I forgot to take a pic of the full selection but trust me on this. The rama near me needs to step up.

The biscuit is (relatively) amazing (relative to other similar fare). It’s got a light and refreshing sweet lemon zest cutting through the weighty and savoury base of the biscuit itself, which in turn isn’t too dry or too soft or too much in any way, like Goldilock’s choice. They’re kind of addicting. $2 Ish for this whole box is def a deal and we know this is true because my grandma agrees. Also I checked supermarkets for similar and it's stupid out there. $3.49 for the exact same thing in metro, and that's the special membership cost.

Made in Canada. We are SLEEPING on local in times where now more than ever! (valley girl voice) we need to build our own economy instead of relying on others!!

Verdict: A! not only is it good, it's objectively cheaper than other places.

[lucky-lunch]

$2 Snails in a Can

Location: Dollarama across from Dundas West Station (not limited to)

Behold, $2 snail in a can (aptly named on the receipt lol), dollarama’s gourmet (that was an oxymoron) escargot in a can (and that sounds like a health hazard). Of all the things one reaps from the treasure trove of this business, I feel I’m starting off incredibly strong by immediately stepping up with dollar store unfrozen shellfish. What a hurrah for the account’s inaugural post, which considering the content may also be its last. We’re going old school preservation methods with these suspicious salted snails, just like how 19th century Canada used to do with prime mess pork!

Oh, it’s just snail, no shell! My friend and I had debated about that; I worried I was going to have to somehow, with the worlds tiniest fork, spear minuscule bits of snail out of an impossible situation. I mean, this makes sense. it does say 36 snails in a tiny ass can. How would it fit while still giving you something to chew on?

The smell is definitely seafood. it doesn’t make me gag so that’s an excellent start IMO. Now, it looks cooked, but I rather peel my own skin off slither by slither than raw dog this and slurp it straight off the tin, so on the safest possible side, just left of not buying dollar store snails, I’m going to bake it and hope that achieves something. At the very least it will be hot, and the caveman in me will be appeased by the fire.

prep (mostly by my mom who didn't want me to die): 

Pre-heat microwave oven (or oven if you’re fancy) to 350C. 

Melt some butter (serving to taste). We popped a 1 cm-ish slice of butter into the microwave for 45 seconds. The butter will become drinkable (drinking butter is not advised). 

Add parsley, black pepper, and garlic powder to the butter, to taste. Mixed well. 

Optional: salt the snails again a little and add a bit of white pepper to reduce the fishiness. 

Pour the butter mix onto the snails and mix. Transfer the whole thing onto a baking dish. 

Optional: add cheese.

Bake for 10 ish minutes.

I’m serving it with some plain Capellini, mixing it in so the butter from the escargot gives the pasta flavour.

Given it’s been drenched in garlic butter, it obviously smells amazing. It looks very decent as well. Promising stuff, guys.

Oh my god. it’s good (a lot of the heavy lifting here comes from the surprise I might not perish from food poisoning). There’s a firm texture to it, so there’s a bite, and that makes it feel sort of fresh. The taste is similar to the ones I’ve had in restaurants (not like 3 star Michelin ones, mind you). I don’t think I’m getting food poisoning (famous last words) (I didn’t get poisoned) (yet)? The size of each escargot is decent, even meaty, and true to the written tin it does indeed have roughly 36 snails in a can. There’s a slightly fishy taste, but I am personally fine with that and consider it part of the shellfish experience given that’s… what it is. Good showing. Pleasantly surprised! GG dollarama?? I didn’t die?

Verdict: B. pass with crawling colours. Other supermarket snails (I checked metro) have roughly the same amount of snails for more dough ($$$), so may buy again. taste is decent for what i was expecting.

haha. m'lord. snails. lord escargot. bowing for a solid 5 minutes straight as y'lord escargot passes by