lovelovestolove

[lovelovestolove]

A little black puppy

At my tentative greeting

Wagged their tail surely.

Then, rushed into my arms passionately unreservedly

Giving me countless kisses all over me.

Your little body against my skin and clothes,

How warm

How soft

Like the spring sunshine,

Like tears of joy.

So that adults and children not far away screaming in fear at your nearness

Saddens me

As I turn away

I already miss you.

Your warm, slightly burning body.

Your softness.

Your gentle fur rubbing against my skin.

The dust in your hair was left on me

Clean water will bring it back to the world once again

And as you roll around on the ground with your friends again in your family's displeasure

It will come back onto you again

In my dreams tonight

You'll be a hundred times larger

Your hair will grow so long to burry me in it

In our adventures in the dark forest

You'll protect me surely

As sure as how you wagged your tail at me.

We'll meet again

All the puppies in the world

We'll meet again

That day,

I become you

You become me

.

[lovelovestolove]

A deep desire to write, a deep desire to drop words

Like water seeping through from the centre of a sponge, it  outwards from the centre of my body

My heavy dreams of yesterday, my rarefied but lead-filled-like limbs

The misty uneasiness that swirls in my lower abdomen

My existence floats parallel above my body

The dislocation puts me in a time-space trance, keeps my breath from entering my existence, which slowly falls apart before touching it. All of this so gently but unchangeably maintains my melancholy, pure, dry, and inscrutable. So that I often hammer my fist into the air in order to maintain some kind of unspeakable balance.

My words and phrases, like snow in my body, slowly drift to the bottom

Piling up a solid sense of security.

Writing is lax. between the shifting fogs and colours of feelings, thoughts outside of three dimensions and experiences, and blocks of imagery that I can't think of concretly, I wait for words.

Mixed with memories from the distant and not-very-distant past, with a touch of melancholy

The kind that I hammer into the air in futile attempts to strike, to touch

My desire to be understood, and therefore fear of being misunderstood, drives me to describe in ever more obscure and abstract words, ever more delicately sofisticatedly, my everything, everything that’s so bland and obvious that seems so deeply obscure. Why do my extremely straightforward feelings seem so complicated when they are spewed out of my body into the world? My descriptions thus seem not only to reveal, but also to obscure. A labyrinth of layers with no path out. Labyrinth that is nonexistent. But I think this works. Works Excellently. Works Extraordinarily. So that only a handful of people see me naked, while most see me sleeping wrapped in slippery kelp-like layers of layers. Haha, I am happy. I stand bare naked in front of people, but they could only see my skin while in a stupor wearing specially made glasses. My bodys water park filled with slippery kelp liquid, as children swim around with laughter, some rushing down the tall slide, giggling happily, batting into thick, clear goo, and don't need a swimming ring.

.

[lovelovestolove]

The amount of confusion you see shows you the minimum of clarity there shall be.

Confusion is the parts of appearance of clarity.

Confusion is the guarantee of clarity. Like seeing a lock is the guarantee of the existence of the key.

All questions have satisfying answers. There are never more questions than answers. The premise of the existence of any question is the already existence of its answer. If an answer to a question didn't exist, there wouldn't be the possibility for the question to be come up with. The truth is all answers exist, no matter there are corresponding questions or not. All Answers are like a piece of cloth of infinite size, and questions are but tiny steel balls bouncing and falling on top of it. Each question seeks to be caught by an answer--which is the purpose of any question--and it always will be caught, because there's no chance for a ball to fall down without being caught, because the cloth is infinite. Because the answers are the infinite one. Only the questions are limited.

Thus, if you have unanswered questions and confusion, you do not live by them being depressed, but live by the brilliance of the surety of the existence of the infinite clarity that is the premise of the existence of all your asked and unasked questions. When you see a question, see beyond its appearance and always see its true essence, which is a perfectly satisfying answer, as without it, its appearance as this question wouldn't exist in the first place.

Do not be depressed by any unanswered questions or confusion. Do not be depressed by the appearance of a lock, as don't you see the shape of the perfect key through the keyhole on the lock?

[lovelovestolove]

Any parts that you see in others that you criticize and loathe are parts that exist in yourself that you refuse to accept. Because you in your waking consciousness completely refuse to accept these parts of yourself, they exist in your perception as parts existing only in others. This is why many people have nightmares about ghosts staring at them or chasing them: these are also parts of our selves that we do not want to accept, that are seeking to be seen, understood and accepted by us, and because of our total refusal to accept them, we perceive their presence in our dreams as horror. This is the same reason why many people are afraid of the dark: they always feel that there is something in the dark, staring at them: these so-called "ghosts in the dark" are nothing else but a part of your self that you don't want to accept.

So it is obvious now that you are afraid of them not because they are truly something "scary", but simply because you aren't willing to recognize and accept these parts of yourself, so you "otherize" them completely and subconsciously perceive their constant search for your acceptance as horror.

This is also the root cause of your criticism and condemnation or loathing against any other people: you are actually loathing parts of your self that you don't accept at all, and because you are so completely unwilling to accept or acknowledge that they are in fact part of your self, you subconsciously "otherize" them completely. So in your world, these parts of your self appear as others that are annoying or scary in your waking life, and as "ghosts" in your dreams. Each of us has been so unwilling to accept many parts of ourselves, and this behavior is completely repressed below the conscious mind, buried in the subconscious, that the collective consciousness of the whole world has co-created all kinds of "ghost" cultures, sayings, stories, fears and everything about ghosts, all over the world.

So what can you do?

One of the things I've learned and found to be very effective is to make a list of the parts of yourself that you do accept. You'd realize that most of these are things that you like about you and others (e.g., kindness, sincerity, politeness, respect for people, respect for rules, intelligence, etc.) List them all.

Then, the most important step: list the opposites of all those parts. Whether you're willing to accept this or not right now, these opposites are the very parts of yourself that exist in you that you've been in total denial about and unwilling to recognize. They are the "ghosts" you fear in dark places or at night in your bedroom, and "other people" in your life or on the internet that you criticize, condemn and judge. You'll find that the points in your list are the exact very points you loathe in other people. You must remember: everything positive you see in yourself has a negative counterpart that exists equally in you.

Finally, intend in your mind or say it out loud:

"I fully accept all parts of myself, whatever they may be: when I'm kind and when I am malicious; when I am intelligent and when I am clumsy and blind; when I am polite and when I am vulgar; when I have a unique taste and when I have a lousy taste; when I love some animals and when I dislike them; when I want to help others and when I want to priorize myself; when I obey public order and morals and when I want to spit and litter and jump in line and fight others and murder; when I want to accept myself and when I can't accept myself; when I am profound and when I am superficial; when I am fit and when I am fat..." etc.

Acceptance of all that is possible and impossible in your entirety, which is, one hundred percent unconditional acceptance of yourself. This is the prerequisite for love, or actually - love itself. You have taken an extremely important step by simply being willing to do this. You have to do it. You have no choice. You desire to do it. You've been wanting to do it like crazy, otherwise you wouldn't be afraid of the dark, you wouldn't have nightmares, or you wouldn't keep encountering annoying people and things that you loathe, and you wouldn't feel lonely and feel life is a struggle or see a world in wars. Our selves are always seeking, moment by moment, to be fully seen, understood, fully accepted by us, or - to be loved unconditionally. World peace lies in finally realizing that as humans, everything we have been fighting, hating, criticizing, condemning and wishing to annihilate in others are actually parts of our own selves that we don't want to recognize. You must start with yourself. Unconditional love comes from you.

(You can use the solution based on the same logic for dealing with your nightmares mentioned above: after you wake up, talk to the "ghosts" in your nightmare, and ask what they are and what they are for. Then you need to answer these questions youself. Answer the questions by intuitively writing out the answers, or imagine that you are the ghosts, and answer the questions as them. Imagine that you are now the ghost, facing yourself who's waiting for the answers, what would you want to say? What urgent demands and deep desires you have? You can practice this method also when you are afraid of the dark and "stuff" in the dark, talk to this "stuff" , and imagine that you are this "stuff", and then speak as them. Finally, when you understand what they are and what they want, you have to intend with all your heart: "I accept these parts of myself completely, and I embrace them with open arms and compassion." When you are willing to do so, you have already taken an extremely important step).

It is very shallow and even cruel to see anyone, especially oneself, in a dualistic way (e.g. good and bad, kind and evil, intelligent and stupid, etc.): for example, if you think someone is "kind", when they have to do something that isn't "kind" for reasons that you will never be able to understand because you haven't lived their life, you will instantly loathe them. This is because you have such a shallow, dualistic view of your extremely complex self and the selves of others. How can one ever expect to explain or describe complex and multi-dimensioned selves from the view of 2D? Maybe right here right now you have a sudden urge to condemn others or yourself for shallowness, or maybe now you feel superior to some people? Don't forget that the root cause of any of your non-acceptance, condemnation, or criticizing of anything in other people all lies in your unconscious unwillingness to accept yourself as such, so you subconsciously otherize them, and it's something you do all the time. Maybe you just did it again now. Similarly, when you are afraid of criticisms, judgements and attacks from others, aren't they actually the critisms and judgements that you have been making against yourself all along? Especially when you see yourself in the above-mentioned dualistic view, you are rejecting some parts of yourself all the time: if you think you are "kind", you are rejecting the parts of yourself that you believe are not "kind"; if you think you are "generous", you are rejecting the parts of yourself that you consider to be "mean"; if you think you are "intelligent", you are rejecting the parts of yourself that you think are "stupid", and so on and so forth. All of these "rejections" of yourself are accordingly reflected in your aversion to other people in your life.

When you fully accept all that you are, you will no longer loathe any other person. When you understand yourself completely, you will understand everyone. When you love yourself unconditionally, you will love the world unconditionally. World peace doesn't rely on any organization, campaigns, or politicians. Fully and completely, it relies on you.

.

[lovelovestolove]

As an animal fever enthusiast, I want to record this very first time in my life ever seeing a bat in real life. It's definitely not the first time I've seen them, but it's the first time I've recognized them upon seeing them. Since I was a kid, I always thought that bats were very rare and wild animals, only found in movies or caves in the far wild mountains, and I didn't know that they are actually much more common. So even though I may have seen them before I didn't realize it at all

But in the recent few years I've seen a lot of videos of bats on the Internet, and I've learned more about them: they're not the nightmarish bloodsucking little devils that movies and TV often portray, but rather cute little puppies with wings, the only mammal that can fly ！！！！This is so shocking too!!!! So cool!!!!!!!!!! And so many of them of eat just fruits, something we have in common hahahaha i love fruits! Their fruit munching videos plus their shinning innocent big cute black eyes make me squeak like a dog's toy that's being stepped on ahahahahahah

So I saw neither a bird nor a moth flying in the sky today and I thought could it be a bat? When it flew very close to me I was sure it was, yes!

Although they were still flying too fast, and they were small, dark, and the night was dark, I was able to recognize their typical russet coloring and the unique shape of their thin, translucent wings that spread out that could let light through!

It seems like these types of wings are only found on bats and pterodactyls from hundreds of millions of years ago and characters from our current fantasy movies and TV shows! So it's really so cool! Bats ！！！！Wow! Aren't they one of the most unique animals?

Ahhhhhhhh! And there were more than one of them. I wanted to see where they would be hanging upside down and take a closer look, but I've stared at them several times and always lost them.

I wonder what type of bats there are over here where I live!

[lovelovestolove]

Let the light blind my eyes.

Let me see nothing else but the light.

[lovelovestolove]

I want to hug someone. I want to feel their body temperature through their clothes. I haven't touched or been touched by another body for over a year. I miss how that feels to have a long conversation face to face. To see how words come Live out of two lips in front of me. To see a face and its expressions. To be able to just reach out then I would touch someone's sleeves. I want to hug and be hugged, like when I'm with a teddy bear, and exchange our body temperature. I'm just so obsessed with the physicality, ain't I? After all I've been told over and over again that I'm never alone and I can never be alone, but if my physical eyes can't perceive anybody around me, I feel alone. I'm just so obsessed with this physicality. I don't know what to do with it. It ain't my fault. I am a body. For now. I can't do anything about that. Send me some body. I need one. If you don't want me to kill myself out of insanity from this long lasting undesired solitude, send me some body. Quick. Now.

.

[lovelovestolove]

In 2023, near the end of March, when I was planning to study psychology and become a psychologist, a fundamental change of my life started happening to me. It all began with a video that appeared to me then, to be a video about psychoanalysis, which I was very interested in, which turned out to be one discussing manifestaiton, which I had never ever heard of. The idea of altering the physical reality using your consciousness was completely revolutionarily new to me then, who was pretty much a half physicalist and half agnosticist, and had received nearly two decades of education rooted solely in materialism philosophy. Yet somehow I still got interested in the idea and started watching a very small channel on YouTube that focused on the so-called "Law of Assumption". That was also my first introduction to YouTube as I had only used very little YouTube before that point, which was probably one of the reasons why I never intended to search for any other videos than those from that channel run by a woman, for a whole month. I started practicing this "Law of Assumption" taught by her out of some desperation from the particular financial situation I was in at that moment. One morning, out of nowhere, I decided to search for this "Abraham" and "Law of Attraction" that she mentioned more than once in her videos. And that led me to a second rabbit hole, which opened me up to understand our reality and what I am in a totally different and shocking way. That was also when I started reading books in English. After a month or two as I was exhausting the content from the Hicks, another video from a different manifestaiton-related master caught my eye, and then it was another month or two of a new rabbit hole and long, strict episodes of daily unconventional meditation practices. As I was again exhausting the content of this third person, one day in their official Facebook group, a person mentioned the podcast "Next Level Soul" that, somehow, again, caught my eye, so I went to listen to a random episode from this podcast which happened to be about a near death experience, and that, was the official, shocking beginning of this complete transformation of my entire life.

Hungrily and almost crazily, I had to know more. So I spent months doing nothing but eating, sleeping and non-stoppingly excitedly watching and reading more, more, and more. Whatever that caught my eye, whatever that stirred my curiosity, whatever that I felt drawn to. Looking back now, I feel that I was completely being led during these processes: first a video that "looked" like one about psychoanalysis which "drew" me to watch it which then opened very slightly the portal of spirituality to me, then I was guided to follow one person after another, which were like stairs upwards one after another towards the final, complete opening of true spirituality. Suddenly and not so suddenly, I decided to drop completely my previous path of studying psychology, and moved back to my country, and was guided to live where I am now, after exhausting once again all the content about spirituality that was new and exciting to me.

After traveling for a month then settling down renting an appartament by the stunning view of the ocean and the vast open sky, all of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I have no more purpose or goal in my life. I no longer know what to do with my life or have any idea where it would lead. I have no idea what I should do about my life anymore. And as I have changed country, now I also know no one, having no active relationships in my life. So basically I've been having no one and nothing to do, living on the funds that I had saved for my previous education plan.

Every day I spend in the mix of trust in and panic from such great uncertainty. What I know for sure is that I will not take any step out of this survival fear but wait, for when I truly feel led to do something, or be somewhere. Yet this stage of vacancy has been going on now for over a year, and still "nothing" has happened and no one has showed up in my life. I feel like a total bystander of the world, watching the world's happening from afar yet I'm not in the midst of any. The only connection between me and the world has been the internet, now that I have more time than ever to spend on it everyday, watching and interacting with people in the middle of the world. My survival fear gets easily triggered, by any words directly or even indirectly related to money, such as poor, debt, income, job, homeless etc. Although I still have enough to last for a couple of more years, but this total uncertainty of where my future would lead, or, if it would lead anywhere at all drives me on my nerves when I feel doubts, which I feel every single day, which I feel right now in my stomach, like butterflies that stir up anxiety. I can't think of a mission, a purpose that I'm supposed to pursuit in my life. I'm so "lost". I don't know if you know what this feels like but it is the very first time in my life ever feeling lost in such a way - since I was a little kid I had always known what I wanted to do with my life. In fact, just a year ago, I still knew what I wanted to do with my life. But not anymore now. I'm waiting for it or something, someone to show up, but in such a situation you can't help but doubt: what if nothing happens and no one shows up? I don't want to end up being a waiter or homeless. "What if something happens to me?" "What if someone robs or steals from me?" "What if I suddenly get sick?" "What if in the end of this nothing happens?" "What if the universe wants me to be on a dead end job that I hate such as a waiter?" "What if... ?" The what-ifs hover over my mind whenever there's a chance. The survival fears kick in whenever I let them. Even though every time I start to feel fearful, I let myself feel the emotion, which is one of the things I have learned on my spiritual journey, hoping that this way they would finally be released, but so far the fear and doubts still keep bubbling up everyday.

This is also something I can't ask anyone for advice about. Because most would only give me practical suggestions that would be based solely on survival fear that this fearful part of me also keeps bringing up: find a part-time job or do something, anything just for some money, for my financial safety or to "not waste the time" and the money that I have doing "nothing". Everyday I keep asking spirits for help, for some clarity, some clue of where this is going to lead or whether I'm doing anything wrong. I don't receive any signs that I asked for nor am I clairaudiant so I do not hear from the spirits. What can I do? I can only trust what I have been over and over again intellectually convinced that "I am never alone", that "There is a divine timing". I do receive small synchronicities here and there ever now and then, which are said to be the universe showing me that I'm on the right path, but still, this is something that I need trust in, where my fearful doubts kick in.

I do not know anymore the meaning or purpose of my life, nor do I know the meaning of this period of life of lack of direction and relationships to rely on. Sometimes I do feel bored and depressed, but often times I'm actually fine. I still experience fast spiritual growth even during this "empty" time. I receive frequent new insights and enlightenment in my understanding of our existence. I get answers to my questions. I feel my angels or guides or spirits are helping me, with every thing I have asked for. I started to feel that all my dreams and wishes will come true - spirituality itself has made my biggest dream come true: that everything I had lonelily insist to live for has been shown to me to be the actual meaning of our existence. My dreams, intuition and my atypical life that I had lived until the March of 2023 have being proven right by the universe, the essence of all existence or what spirituality is truly about. That had been my biggest dream that I never even had dared to wish, yet it came true, on its own, poof, like a dream.

In my fears and doubts I trust. Good for me that I don't have other options. After watching and reading so much on my journey over and over again I've been taught just what I had always known: The only thing I should do is follow my heart, and love and truth are one and the same thing. What I didn't know is that it's not only me that should follow my heart, but that it is the only mission that every single person is on. Sometimes I feel that this is all "too good to be true". I must be insane. How can all of my radical idealism suddenly be proven to be the ultimate truths? How can my atypical way of living be actually the way that everyone should live their life? Ain’t I dreaming? Well the answer to that last question is yes, now that I know how this reality is but happening in the large field of consciousness, just like a dream, and how the day when I finally wake up from it, I'd say, "The dream felt so real."

I was born with a mission, a life plan that I was born to forget. I'm in a mysterious vacant period of life whose meaning isn't yet revealed. I don't know how long it'd last. I don't know where it would lead. Hope this contradiction between my trust and doubt could be lifted and replaced by the clarity of knowing as I have been praying for. And I wish for you all who have read these words, to forever faithfully and truthfully follow your truest heart, and that in your fears, no matter what you think, you are not alone, never ever alone. Same for me too. And divine timing will never be late. The right things shall show up in perfect ways, to the perfect you.

.

[lovelovestolove]

It's not that the question of meaning isn't answerable. It's just that the level of mind that asks that question can't give an answer.

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[lovelovestolove]

"I must be satisfied in the now. If I'm always anticipating something, I'm living for the future and that feels too bad because then I'd want my now to pass as soon as possible and that becomes unbearable... "

"Is that really the case?"

The more you like Friday the more your Thursday becomes enjoyable. When you like Friday enough to an extent, your Thursday no longer exists just for Friday. Your Thursday becomes a day of itself. You start to love Thursday probably even more than Friday. You start to want to enjoy you Thursdays moment by moment because you don't want it to just pass under your nose. It's like how people love Fridays more than Saturdays and Sundays and that they'd want their Fridays to have lasted longer, if you ask them on Sundays or Saturday nights. In fact, if Saturdays and Sundays didn't exist, you wouldn't like Friday or Thursday at all. You wouldn't want to live them or even look at them AT ALL. When you really are anticipating something from your truest heart, you don't live in the future. You live in the most enjoyable now thanks to a future, not really for the future. Not for anything, but the most enjoyable now.

Can't our lives be meaningful because there's a passionate future waiting for us? One that's filled with love, with everything that your heart's ever desired. If you force yourself to see only the now and separate from the idea of a future maybe that's how you feel cut off from meaning. Not all spiritual teachings are suitable for you just because they've led the way for many. You gotta follow your own. You are not here to follow others' teachings. You are here to find out your own. Spiritual authorities in whatever form still exist outside of you. Words said and resonated by others. By many, but still by Others, so that doesn't mean that you should follow them too. The only reason that you should follow anything should only be that you resonate deeply with it, not intellectually, not a little bit, not somehow, but fully, truthfully and completely. You have only one authority that you ever should follow. That's your heart. Your knowings. Don't let others fool you out of that. Don't let you fool you out of that. Don't let you fool you out of you.

And just think about it, all those teachings created or channelled in the past throughout centeries, aren't they more suitable for people back then with their levels of consciousness completely different from the modern world where you were born and raised? When searching for truth why should you look back, rather than forward, or better, now? Why would you follow something that was written not exactly meant for you today but for all those that are way before you?

You say, it is because after so many years they still stand and are followed by most, that must mean they are true authority.

Well, I'd call that Bible way of thinking. Look at the Bible and all other oldest religious literature. Aren't they the same, standing still after thousands of years followed still by most people around the world? Does it mean that you should then become religious, and even if so, which one are you gonna choose? If they are all so true why are they so contradicting with each other?

You say, then I must just follow the things that all teachings, religions have in common, rather than in contradiction.

That's probably a very good way. But remember though, gather ALL of those teachings, not just several, five, seven or ten like most people do. But ALL. Then you'd think you'd find one thing that all have in common, one thing only, which must be love (and a thousand different ways to have explained it). Or, actually, you'd find nothing at all? Because most of them do not even believe in unconditional love, or talk about following your passion, your truest heart, joy. They probably would agree on abundance and sex being sinful, enjoyment being a crime and that one must somehow suffer with a serious pokerface and black or white robes rather than joyful laughters, giggles, smiles and children's colorful clothes, skirts and shorts on their way to "God" (look at the oldest religions and all their branches and many spiritual teachings).

That's what you'd find. Nothing. Nothing but your own polished understanding, your own sharpened intuition out of frustration and confusions. Because the meaning of looking through what other people say what other people follow is to point you your way home, to your own heart, your original understanding, which you just couldn't trust without going through all that trouble first. If you stay at one stop on the way, you are lost, as you aren't home yet taking a temporary signpost as home. When you find your way home that's when you can stand up and tell the world, share your teachings. They'd be another signpost to point others their way home. Just like the Bible, like any other religions, any existing spiritual teachings. They all have so much in beautiful contradiction, which says, urges, yells: "Follow your heart! Follow your heart! Follow your heart!"

In fact, the only reason why spiritual teachings or religions are "needed", followed, is because no one would just follow their own heart. "It can't be that easy." "It's too good to be true." "I do not trust just that. " "It must be some hard work, discipline, deep research rather than just simply that." Fifi, that's what you do as well when you doubt yourself, doubt the path your joy leads just because it looks too different from those that others choose to follow. That's something that you do as well. When you turn down the wild colors of your flames and look at the duller, more traditional colors of those of others, you say to yourself, that's more reliable than mine. That's when you live the reason why religions are still being followed by most around the world, and you can't resonate fully with what's not your own, that's when you feel lost, meaningless, depressed, alone. You must follow your heart to ever be able to light up the ways for any others. There ain't no other ways. You must go home so that others would know to go home too rather than wondering or gathering pointlessly on the street walking down the endless road. All roads and streets are built to lead to homes. If they are just walking down the road like that they will never reach a destination.

The truest spiritual teaching is that there is no teaching, that no teaching should be needed. When everyone follows their heart, everyone would know exactly what to do, how to live. One must do exactly that to be able to show another the way. Nothing needs to be done out there, other than staying at home. But you, you every so often just have to open the door and look outside to see if you are really doing the right thing, to see what others are doing, and doubt yourself and walk out of the door - after all, your house looks way too colorful, way too "post-modern" therefore way too "unsupported", "unbacked-up" by anything well-known and that makes you all so nervous. Yet you must see how "rebellious" you role is supposed to be and you must, honor that, with your full heart. That's your job. That's how you can ever show others their way. That's your purpose. They need you to do just that, from their bottom of heart.

"The confusions, contradictions and vagueness outside serve a purpose - they point you to look inside; they point you your way home."

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[lovelovestolove]

Reading my Untitled poem. For those that understand.

[lovelovestolove]

My poetry. My wishes. My vision. My hopes and dream. My love. My silence. My unwanted solitude. My heart.

My scattered realities and my complete imagination. Through the cracks of the former I grasp glimpses of the latter. On the quiet separated isles of those floating parts I sit, in the dark, looking over the black water at the half-open shadow door.

Stream of black blood of loneliness flowing from underneath me, forming my shadow, down into the water under my empty soles.

My closed eyelids and opened eyes. My scarred face. My quiet frozen fire of soul.

My fallen tears and my opened chest. My blindness. My anger. My sore forehead. The open gate of my brows. The river of sorrow.

My waiting. My salvation. My ennui. My swinging legs. My confused eyes. My empty mouth. My calm black pupils. My empty gaze.

The bridge being built above the surging flood. My naked feet. My tired toes. My wrinkled sole. My empty fingers. My longing palms. My yet unechoed song.

My light. My reignition. My arrival. The bottom of my gaze. The terminus of the river. The faint strength in my fingers. The overlap of my void physicality and the illusory unknown.

[lovelovestolove]

A Solution

It's a depressing world. People are attacking each other, or themselves, or attacking each other because they attack themselves. People with more clarity about this like you and me, we can help the world. When looking at those people and ourselves, don't look at what they say, what they do. Look at their sadness beneath. Look at their dissatisfaction. Look at their grief. Look at their shame. Look at their deep belief in their unworthiness. Don't look at how they are treating each other. Look at how they have been treated when younger. Look at their wounds and cuts that they themselves can't even look at. Look at that, then you will stop seeing a depressing world. You will start seeing yourself. You will start to see the reality, a world with nothing really but crying children, demanding to be loved, demanding to love. You will see a world just about love. You will not feel lonely anymore, at least not alone when you feel so sad. You will feel more tenderness, compassion, the need to help. At least you can allow yourself and others to be, without painfully condemning them anymore. That's how you can, and often times really, should look at the world. Remind yourself, especially when you are enraged. Remind yourself. Remind me. Remind each other. We all are just a bunch of beating hearts, beating for more life, beating for more light, beating for more love. Look. Look at what we are. Don't be fooled so easily. Look deeper. Look. Look at what we are.

[lovelovestolove]

What If

What if human intellectuality is not only limiting for understanding truth but it actually brings me away from it? Because what I've noticed is that whenever my mind gets involved, trying to build some logic framework in and around what I intuitively know to be true, what's originally not confusing becomes confusing, and my mind never manages to untangle any knot that this creates. It only forces itself into corners of dark, depressing confusion and meaninglessness where all it can do is try to sqeeze some desperate meaning out of that so that it, or I, could live, and it has never succeeded. I have never so personally realized how intelligence (IQ) is not only truly far overrated like what I've read, but it's actually very unhelpful when it comes to truly understanding the reality of our existence. Why? Because our brain, our so-called IQ has been trained not through any part of the essence of reality but by the mere crust of it, so the furthest our level of intellectual cognition is capable of leading us is always above levels any deeper than shallowness. Look at our habit of forcing our logic system into anything new to us, and as long as that thing can't fit, we discard it, arrogantly, or ignorantly, unable to consider further. We rely so heavily, or actually, so completely on that simple system which we have limitedly built simply from exploring the earth with our five senses, barely scratching the mere surface of the profundity of truth, not realizing at all that our failed confrontations with our deepest, ever-lasting existential questionings are not due to the absence of satisfying answers but to the invalidity or the limitedness of our stubborn, underdeveloped, primitive perspectives. We've been trapping ourselves in a square of simple straight black and white lines while the answers we need for our questions are colors and pictures, visions and songs, which are present in every beating heart, but with those lines and black and whiteness that we are so obsessed with and too confident about, we won't allow them in, because our lines can't measure them, can't make any sense of them, find them unreliable, too imaginative, not straight and black or white enough. That's where we are, holding all the answers to all our questions intimately right under our nose, behind our chest, yet by keeping our head straight we walk ourselves willingly (?) onto boats of suicidal nilhilism. We're the biggest clowns around, living the most comical lives in the stubbornest way. And our costumes aren't colorful, but black and white. That's our drama. That's our play. That's our humor.

(For better understanding, read these two previous writings in this order:

1.

https://www.tumblr.com/lovelovestolove/772202882060681216/groundbreaking-skybreaking?source=share

2.

https://www.tumblr.com/lovelovestolove/772303724242731008/the-ultimate-meaning-of-existence-is-love-and-you?source=share)

.

[lovelovestolove]

"What is my soul's name? Like Jesus is known to be Jesus. What is my soul's name?"

"Your soul's name is your soul's song."

"My soul's song is...is love. But is my name Love? Lol."

"... Is your name not Love?"

"... ... But... Jesus also shares the name Love but his individual name is Jesus. What is my individual name?"

"... Do you want an individual name? ;)"

"...

...

...

No."

:)

[lovelovestolove]

The ultimate meaning of existence is love, and you need to understand it by love, as you can't even begin to understand it using your mind, your human intellect. Trust me, I failed so many times and was so confused and frustrated and mentally strained until this sudden came to me.

The intellect is a tool, a receiver of the signals, while your heart is the source of the signals of truth, your truth. Using your mind to understand truth is way too confusing and ineffective when all this time you have your heart available. Through your heart you do not even need to understand truth, you know truth. In fact, unlike what our minds know about all human knowledge we've gained so far, between the "knowledge" of truth and knowing there doesn't need to be understanding. Truth doesn't need to be understood, as it is extremely intimate to us. We do not need to understand truth to know it. What is the mind's role then? The mind is just a piece of useless garbage? The mind is also a part of truth, like everything else in existence. We need to "understand" it in the right way, the same way we understand truth, that is through the heart, through love.

Choose to rely on your heart, not the mind; choose love, not the chattering thoughts. This is known by all, because whenever we choose the former, we get a potent positive feedback, and vice versa. One doesn't need to be "spiritual" to know this formula. One lives it over and over every single day. It is a joyous process once you are aware of it, because now you can use your whole lived life experience to prove it right, to confirm surely that this works and only this way works. So all the future times when you make such decisions you won't be too hesitant, indecisive. You become courageous and confident. Then, all your other philosophies crash. All your life makes sense. You are on your truest life path. You live a more fulfilling life. You are being your most authentic self.

And you've known this all along.

.

[lovelovestolove]

Groundbreaking, Skybreaking

A few days ago I had this dream of getting onto a double decked bus with a girl next to me and she walked straight to sit on a seat by the window on the ground floor, looking at me, smiling peacefully, seeming to be waiting for my choice. The ground floor has large windows that let all the light in and you could see the beautiful green trees flowing outside. But a double decked bus for me always means I must go to the top floor or else what even is the point of being on a double decked bus? So I got upstairs in the dream excitedly to find all the windows there were small and sort of covered. I had to pull up the covers one by one so that it didn't look that stuffy there. But even after that it didn't look as nearly bright as the ground floor and the rest of the dream carried on there in dim light.

I used AI to help me interpret this dream because in a book about dream interpretation I once read about double decked-busses so I knew it must mean something significant for me. What the AIs showed me was that the dream was asking me to stay grounded, present for clarity, kind of cliché, but I still took that answer.

Today as I was taking a walk by the sea I once again couldn't stop but start to think about our existence and its possible ultimate true purpose and how the ultimate reality, consciousness, works and how all of this works within that. I had so many other questions, one after another, and I can hardly grasp a clue for the ultimate question as one assumption I came up with soon was defeated by more questions and this just went on. I relaxed a bit and kept on walking as I knew that striving to think further would only create more strain in such intellectual situations and that wouldn't lead me closer to clarity, so I must step back, relax, so inspiration has some room to come through.

I thought maybe my purpose in this world is to be such an intuitive spiritual philosopher although I feel kind of ashamed of using the word "intuitive" here to describe a role that is highly intellectually intense.

As I went on walking and changed my course to go to a shop to get something, in a consistent huge blast of wind, it came to me: I must not try to understand reality solely using my intellect like almost everyone does. I must understand it through love. That is my instrument, my tool. Understanding the world purely through intellectuality is what people have been doing following the philosophy of physicalism. It makes sense that I have been trying to do the same as all the education I've ever received in school is all rooted in that philosophy. But on this matter, if my intellect would bring me any clarity at all, it'd be very small and limited. I must use my heart. In fact my role here requires me to drop my intellectuality and use my intuition dominantly. And all of a sudden that dream scene I just mentioned came to me out of nowhere as I was walking, and it suddenly made sense: what it really showed me was I could only find the clarity I'm looking for on the ground floor, which is in my heart, chest, and if I go upstairs (to my mind, brain, human intellect), the windows there are very small (Highly limited) and so even the maximum brightness (clarity) I can get there would still be not enough comparing with the large giant windows on the ground floor (my chest, my heart) that allow all the light and brightness in automatically without any covering. The girl with me in the dream was my guide, she went to sit by the window without a second thought, smiling at me waiting for my decision. Now I understand, she's telling me that if I ever need guidance, she is there for me in my heart. If I can't find the clarity I'm looking for on the top floor I can always come downstairs to find her. In fact, the ground floor is the key, but she knows that I'm someone that must first explore the top floor (the excitement I felt in the dream while going upstairs) to understand this. I wouldn't settle if I was forced to stay on the ground floor without letting me go upstairs first. So in the dream she patiently waited for me to make my choice.

I must understand this world through love (intuition, art, feelings, warmth, spontaneity, flow, compassion). That's my instrument. That's my tool. That's the way. The intellect (logic, coldness, emotionless, laws, mechanical, hard, experience-based "facts") is also a tool but it's highly limited since its vehicle is but the human brain and the highly limited logic system built by humans through exploring the earth using their five senses. If I want to understand this world and mostly, what's beyond it, that human tool built solely from our daily life on earth can't really lead me anywhere. It now can't make more sense. I need to answer those questions through my heart, the core of my being, not the intellect, the mind.

Suddenly another ocean of huge waves of wind immersed me, suggesting final clarity.

.