lovelovestolove

[lovelovestolove]

I want to hug someone. I want to feel their body temperature through their clothes. I haven't touched or been touched by another body for over a year. I miss how that feels to have a long conversation face to face. To see how words come Live out of two lips in front of me. To see a face and its expressions. To be able to just reach out then I would touch someone's sleeves. I want to hug and be hugged, like when I'm with a teddy bear, and exchange our body temperature. I'm just so obsessed with the physicality, ain't I? After all I've been told over and over again that I'm never alone and I can never be alone, but if my physical eyes can't perceive anybody around me, I feel alone. I'm just so obsessed with this physicality. I don't know what to do with it. It ain't my fault. I am a body. For now. I can't do anything about that. Send me some body. I need one. If you don't want me to kill myself out of insanity from this long lasting undesired solitude, send me some body. Quick. Now.

.

[lovelovestolove]

In 2023, near the end of March, when I was planning to study psychology and become a psychologist, a fundamental change of my life started happening to me. It all began with a video that appeared to me then, to be a video about psychoanalysis, which I was very interested in, which turned out to be one discussing manifestaiton, which I had never ever heard of. The idea of altering the physical reality using your consciousness was completely revolutionarily new to me then, who was pretty much a half physicalist and half agnosticist, and had received nearly two decades of education rooted solely in materialism philosophy. Yet somehow I still got interested in the idea and started watching a very small channel on YouTube that focused on the so-called "Law of Assumption". That was also my first introduction to YouTube as I had only used very little YouTube before that point, which was probably one of the reasons why I never intended to search for any other videos than those from that channel run by a woman, for a whole month. I started practicing this "Law of Assumption" taught by her out of some desperation from the particular financial situation I was in at that moment. One morning, out of nowhere, I decided to search for this "Abraham" and "Law of Attraction" that she mentioned more than once in her videos. And that led me to a second rabbit hole, which opened me up to understand our reality and what I am in a totally different and shocking way. That was also when I started reading books in English. After a month or two as I was exhausting the content from the Hicks, another video from a different manifestaiton-related master caught my eye, and then it was another month or two of a new rabbit hole and long, strict episodes of daily unconventional meditation practices. As I was again exhausting the content of this third person, one day in their official Facebook group, a person mentioned the podcast "Next Level Soul" that, somehow, again, caught my eye, so I went to listen to a random episode from this podcast which happened to be about a near death experience, and that, was the official, shocking beginning of this complete transformation of my entire life.

Hungrily and almost crazily, I had to know more. So I spent months doing nothing but eating, sleeping and non-stoppingly excitedly watching and reading more, more, and more. Whatever that caught my eye, whatever that stirred my curiosity, whatever that I felt drawn to. Looking back now, I feel that I was completely being led during these processes: first a video that "looked" like one about psychoanalysis which "drew" me to watch it which then opened very slightly the portal of spirituality to me, then I was guided to follow one person after another, which were like stairs upwards one after another towards the final, complete opening of true spirituality. Suddenly and not so suddenly, I decided to drop completely my previous path of studying psychology, and moved back to my country, and was guided to live where I am now, after exhausting once again all the content about spirituality that was new and exciting to me.

After traveling for a month then settling down renting an appartament by the stunning view of the ocean and the vast open sky, all of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I have no more purpose or goal in my life. I no longer know what to do with my life or have any idea where it would lead. I have no idea what I should do about my life anymore. And as I have changed country, now I also know no one, having no active relationships in my life. So basically I've been having no one and nothing to do, living on the funds that I had saved for my previous education plan.

Every day I spend in the mix of trust in and panic from such great uncertainty. What I know for sure is that I will not take any step out of this survival fear but wait, for when I truly feel led to do something, or be somewhere. Yet this stage of vacancy has been going on now for over a year, and still "nothing" has happened and no one has showed up in my life. I feel like a total bystander of the world, watching the world's happening from afar yet I'm not in the midst of any. The only connection between me and the world has been the internet, now that I have more time than ever to spend on it everyday, watching and interacting with people in the middle of the world. My survival fear gets easily triggered, by any words directly or even indirectly related to money, such as poor, debt, income, job, homeless etc. Although I still have enough to last for a couple of more years, but this total uncertainty of where my future would lead, or, if it would lead anywhere at all drives me on my nerves when I feel doubts, which I feel every single day, which I feel right now in my stomach, like butterflies that stir up anxiety. I can't think of a mission, a purpose that I'm supposed to pursuit in my life. I'm so "lost". I don't know if you know what this feels like but it is the very first time in my life ever feeling lost in such a way - since I was a little kid I had always known what I wanted to do with my life. In fact, just a year ago, I still knew what I wanted to do with my life. But not anymore now. I'm waiting for it or something, someone to show up, but in such a situation you can't help but doubt: what if nothing happens and no one shows up? I don't want to end up being a waiter or homeless. "What if something happens to me?" "What if someone robs or steals from me?" "What if I suddenly get sick?" "What if in the end of this nothing happens?" "What if the universe wants me to be on a dead end job that I hate such as a waiter?" "What if... ?" The what-ifs hover over my mind whenever there's a chance. The survival fears kick in whenever I let them. Even though every time I start to feel fearful, I let myself feel the emotion, which is one of the things I have learned on my spiritual journey, hoping that this way they would finally be released, but so far the fear and doubts still keep bubbling up everyday.

This is also something I can't ask anyone for advice about. Because most would only give me practical suggestions that would be based solely on survival fear that this fearful part of me also keeps bringing up: find a part-time job or do something, anything just for some money, for my financial safety or to "not waste the time" and the money that I have doing "nothing". Everyday I keep asking spirits for help, for some clarity, some clue of where this is going to lead or whether I'm doing anything wrong. I don't receive any signs that I asked for nor am I clairaudiant so I do not hear from the spirits. What can I do? I can only trust what I have been over and over again intellectually convinced that "I am never alone", that "There is a divine timing". I do receive small synchronicities here and there ever now and then, which are said to be the universe showing me that I'm on the right path, but still, this is something that I need trust in, where my fearful doubts kick in.

I do not know anymore the meaning or purpose of my life, nor do I know the meaning of this period of life of lack of direction and relationships to rely on. Sometimes I do feel bored and depressed, but often times I'm actually fine. I still experience fast spiritual growth even during this "empty" time. I receive frequent new insights and enlightenment in my understanding of our existence. I get answers to my questions. I feel my angels or guides or spirits are helping me, with every thing I have asked for. I started to feel that all my dreams and wishes will come true - spirituality itself has made my biggest dream come true: that everything I had lonelily insist to live for has been shown to me to be the actual meaning of our existence. My dreams, intuition and my atypical life that I had lived until the March of 2023 have being proven right by the universe, the essence of all existence or what spirituality is truly about. That had been my biggest dream that I never even had dared to wish, yet it came true, on its own, poof, like a dream.

In my fears and doubts I trust. Good for me that I don't have other options. After watching and reading so much on my journey over and over again I've been taught just what I had always known: The only thing I should do is follow my heart, and love and truth are one and the same thing. What I didn't know is that it's not only me that should follow my heart, but that it is the only mission that every single person is on. Sometimes I feel that this is all "too good to be true". I must be insane. How can all of my radical idealism suddenly be proven to be the ultimate truths? How can my atypical way of living be actually the way that everyone should live their life? Ain’t I dreaming? Well the answer to that last question is yes, now that I know how this reality is but happening in the large field of consciousness, just like a dream, and how the day when I finally wake up from it, I'd say, "The dream felt so real."

I was born with a mission, a life plan that I was born to forget. I'm in a mysterious vacant period of life whose meaning isn't yet revealed. I don't know how long it'd last. I don't know where it would lead. Hope this contradiction between my trust and doubt could be lifted and replaced by the clarity of knowing as I have been praying for. And I wish for you all who have read these words, to forever faithfully and truthfully follow your truest heart, and that in your fears, no matter what you think, you are not alone, never ever alone. Same for me too. And divine timing will never be late. The right things shall show up in perfect ways, to the perfect you.

.

[lovelovestolove]

It's not that the question of meaning isn't answerable. It's just that the level of mind that asks that question can't give an answer.

.

[lovelovestolove]

"I must be satisfied in the now. If I'm always anticipating something, I'm living for the future and that feels too bad because then I'd want my now to pass as soon as possible and that becomes unbearable... "

"Is that really the case?"

The more you like Friday the more your Thursday becomes enjoyable. When you like Friday enough to an extent, your Thursday no longer exists just for Friday. Your Thursday becomes a day of itself. You start to love Thursday probably even more than Friday. You start to want to enjoy you Thursdays moment by moment because you don't want it to just pass under your nose. It's like how people love Fridays more than Saturdays and Sundays and that they'd want their Fridays to have lasted longer, if you ask them on Sundays or Saturday nights. In fact, if Saturdays and Sundays didn't exist, you wouldn't like Friday or Thursday at all. You wouldn't want to live them or even look at them AT ALL. When you really are anticipating something from your truest heart, you don't live in the future. You live in the most enjoyable now thanks to a future, not really for the future. Not for anything, but the most enjoyable now.

Can't our lives be meaningful because there's a passionate future waiting for us? One that's filled with love, with everything that your heart's ever desired. If you force yourself to see only the now and separate from the idea of a future maybe that's how you feel cut off from meaning. Not all spiritual teachings are suitable for you just because they've led the way for many. You gotta follow your own. You are not here to follow others' teachings. You are here to find out your own. Spiritual authorities in whatever form still exist outside of you. Words said and resonated by others. By many, but still by Others, so that doesn't mean that you should follow them too. The only reason that you should follow anything should only be that you resonate deeply with it, not intellectually, not a little bit, not somehow, but fully, truthfully and completely. You have only one authority that you ever should follow. That's your heart. Your knowings. Don't let others fool you out of that. Don't let you fool you out of that. Don't let you fool you out of you.

And just think about it, all those teachings created or channelled in the past throughout centeries, aren't they more suitable for people back then with their levels of consciousness completely different from the modern world where you were born and raised? When searching for truth why should you look back, rather than forward, or better, now? Why would you follow something that was written not exactly meant for you today but for all those that are way before you?

You say, it is because after so many years they still stand and are followed by most, that must mean they are true authority.

Well, I'd call that Bible way of thinking. Look at the Bible and all other oldest religious literature. Aren't they the same, standing still after thousands of years followed still by most people around the world? Does it mean that you should then become religious, and even if so, which one are you gonna choose? If they are all so true why are they so contradicting with each other?

You say, then I must just follow the things that all teachings, religions have in common, rather than in contradiction.

That's probably a very good way. But remember though, gather ALL of those teachings, not just several, five, seven or ten like most people do. But ALL. Then you'd think you'd find one thing that all have in common, one thing only, which must be love (and a thousand different ways to have explained it). Or, actually, you'd find nothing at all? Because most of them do not even believe in unconditional love, or talk about following your passion, your truest heart, joy. They probably would agree on abundance and sex being sinful, enjoyment being a crime and that one must somehow suffer with a serious pokerface and black or white robes rather than joyful laughters, giggles, smiles and children's colorful clothes, skirts and shorts on their way to "God" (look at the oldest religions and all their branches and many spiritual teachings).

That's what you'd find. Nothing. Nothing but your own polished understanding, your own sharpened intuition out of frustration and confusions. Because the meaning of looking through what other people say what other people follow is to point you your way home, to your own heart, your original understanding, which you just couldn't trust without going through all that trouble first. If you stay at one stop on the way, you are lost, as you aren't home yet taking a temporary signpost as home. When you find your way home that's when you can stand up and tell the world, share your teachings. They'd be another signpost to point others their way home. Just like the Bible, like any other religions, any existing spiritual teachings. They all have so much in beautiful contradiction, which says, urges, yells: "Follow your heart! Follow your heart! Follow your heart!"

In fact, the only reason why spiritual teachings or religions are "needed", followed, is because no one would just follow their own heart. "It can't be that easy." "It's too good to be true." "I do not trust just that. " "It must be some hard work, discipline, deep research rather than just simply that." Fifi, that's what you do as well when you doubt yourself, doubt the path your joy leads just because it looks too different from those that others choose to follow. That's something that you do as well. When you turn down the wild colors of your flames and look at the duller, more traditional colors of those of others, you say to yourself, that's more reliable than mine. That's when you live the reason why religions are still being followed by most around the world, and you can't resonate fully with what's not your own, that's when you feel lost, meaningless, depressed, alone. You must follow your heart to ever be able to light up the ways for any others. There ain't no other ways. You must go home so that others would know to go home too rather than wondering or gathering pointlessly on the street walking down the endless road. All roads and streets are built to lead to homes. If they are just walking down the road like that they will never reach a destination.

The truest spiritual teaching is that there is no teaching, that no teaching should be needed. When everyone follows their heart, everyone would know exactly what to do, how to live. One must do exactly that to be able to show another the way. Nothing needs to be done out there, other than staying at home. But you, you every so often just have to open the door and look outside to see if you are really doing the right thing, to see what others are doing, and doubt yourself and walk out of the door - after all, your house looks way too colorful, way too "post-modern" therefore way too "unsupported", "unbacked-up" by anything well-known and that makes you all so nervous. Yet you must see how "rebellious" you role is supposed to be and you must, honor that, with your full heart. That's your job. That's how you can ever show others their way. That's your purpose. They need you to do just that, from their bottom of heart.

"The confusions, contradictions and vagueness outside serve a purpose - they point you to look inside; they point you your way home."

.

[lovelovestolove]

Reading my Untitled poem. For those that understand.

[lovelovestolove]

My poetry. My wishes. My vision. My hopes and dream. My love. My silence. My unwanted solitude. My heart.

My scattered realities and my complete imagination. Through the cracks of the former I grasp glimpses of the latter. On the quiet separated isles of those floating parts I sit, in the dark, looking over the black water at the half-open shadow door.

Stream of black blood of loneliness flowing from underneath me, forming my shadow, down into the water under my empty soles.

My closed eyelids and opened eyes. My scarred face. My quiet frozen fire of soul.

My fallen tears and my opened chest. My blindness. My anger. My sore forehead. The open gate of my brows. The river of sorrow.

My waiting. My salvation. My ennui. My swinging legs. My confused eyes. My empty mouth. My calm black pupils. My empty gaze.

The bridge being built above the surging flood. My naked feet. My tired toes. My wrinkled sole. My empty fingers. My longing palms. My yet unechoed song.

My light. My reignition. My arrival. The bottom of my gaze. The terminus of the river. The faint strength in my fingers. The overlap of my void physicality and the illusory unknown.

[lovelovestolove]

A Solution

It's a depressing world. People are attacking each other, or themselves, or attacking each other because they attack themselves. People with more clarity about this like you and me, we can help the world. When looking at those people and ourselves, don't look at what they say, what they do. Look at their sadness beneath. Look at their dissatisfaction. Look at their grief. Look at their shame. Look at their deep belief in their unworthiness. Don't look at how they are treating each other. Look at how they have been treated when younger. Look at their wounds and cuts that they themselves can't even look at. Look at that, then you will stop seeing a depressing world. You will start seeing yourself. You will start to see the reality, a world with nothing really but crying children, demanding to be loved, demanding to love. You will see a world just about love. You will not feel lonely anymore, at least not alone when you feel so sad. You will feel more tenderness, compassion, the need to help. At least you can allow yourself and others to be, without painfully condemning them anymore. That's how you can, and often times really, should look at the world. Remind yourself, especially when you are enraged. Remind yourself. Remind me. Remind each other. We all are just a bunch of beating hearts, beating for more life, beating for more light, beating for more love. Look. Look at what we are. Don't be fooled so easily. Look deeper. Look. Look at what we are.

[lovelovestolove]

What If

What if human intellectuality is not only limiting for understanding truth but it actually brings me away from it? Because what I've noticed is that whenever my mind gets involved, trying to build some logic framework in and around what I intuitively know to be true, what's originally not confusing becomes confusing, and my mind never manages to untangle any knot that this creates. It only forces itself into corners of dark, depressing confusion and meaninglessness where all it can do is try to sqeeze some desperate meaning out of that so that it, or I, could live, and it has never succeeded. I have never so personally realized how intelligence (IQ) is not only truly far overrated like what I've read, but it's actually very unhelpful when it comes to truly understanding the reality of our existence. Why? Because our brain, our so-called IQ has been trained not through any part of the essence of reality but by the mere crust of it, so the furthest our level of intellectual cognition is capable of leading us is always above levels any deeper than shallowness. Look at our habit of forcing our logic system into anything new to us, and as long as that thing can't fit, we discard it, arrogantly, or ignorantly, unable to consider further. We rely so heavily, or actually, so completely on that simple system which we have limitedly built simply from exploring the earth with our five senses, barely scratching the mere surface of the profundity of truth, not realizing at all that our failed confrontations with our deepest, ever-lasting existential questionings are not due to the absence of satisfying answers but to the invalidity or the limitedness of our stubborn, underdeveloped, primitive perspectives. We've been trapping ourselves in a square of simple straight black and white lines while the answers we need for our questions are colors and pictures, visions and songs, which are present in every beating heart, but with those lines and black and whiteness that we are so obsessed with and too confident about, we won't allow them in, because our lines can't measure them, can't make any sense of them, find them unreliable, too imaginative, not straight and black or white enough. That's where we are, holding all the answers to all our questions intimately right under our nose, behind our chest, yet by keeping our head straight we walk ourselves willingly (?) onto boats of suicidal nilhilism. We're the biggest clowns around, living the most comical lives in the stubbornest way. And our costumes aren't colorful, but black and white. That's our drama. That's our play. That's our humor.

(For better understanding, read these two previous writings in this order:

1.

https://www.tumblr.com/lovelovestolove/772202882060681216/groundbreaking-skybreaking?source=share

2.

https://www.tumblr.com/lovelovestolove/772303724242731008/the-ultimate-meaning-of-existence-is-love-and-you?source=share)

.

[lovelovestolove]

"What is my soul's name? Like Jesus is known to be Jesus. What is my soul's name?"

"Your soul's name is your soul's song."

"My soul's song is...is love. But is my name Love? Lol."

"... Is your name not Love?"

"... ... But... Jesus also shares the name Love but his individual name is Jesus. What is my individual name?"

"... Do you want an individual name? ;)"

"...

...

...

No."

:)

[lovelovestolove]

The ultimate meaning of existence is love, and you need to understand it by love, as you can't even begin to understand it using your mind, your human intellect. Trust me, I failed so many times and was so confused and frustrated and mentally strained until this sudden came to me.

The intellect is a tool, a receiver of the signals, while your heart is the source of the signals of truth, your truth. Using your mind to understand truth is way too confusing and ineffective when all this time you have your heart available. Through your heart you do not even need to understand truth, you know truth. In fact, unlike what our minds know about all human knowledge we've gained so far, between the "knowledge" of truth and knowing there doesn't need to be understanding. Truth doesn't need to be understood, as it is extremely intimate to us. We do not need to understand truth to know it. What is the mind's role then? The mind is just a piece of useless garbage? The mind is also a part of truth, like everything else in existence. We need to "understand" it in the right way, the same way we understand truth, that is through the heart, through love.

Choose to rely on your heart, not the mind; choose love, not the chattering thoughts. This is known by all, because whenever we choose the former, we get a potent positive feedback, and vice versa. One doesn't need to be "spiritual" to know this formula. One lives it over and over every single day. It is a joyous process once you are aware of it, because now you can use your whole lived life experience to prove it right, to confirm surely that this works and only this way works. So all the future times when you make such decisions you won't be too hesitant, indecisive. You become courageous and confident. Then, all your other philosophies crash. All your life makes sense. You are on your truest life path. You live a more fulfilling life. You are being your most authentic self.

And you've known this all along.

.

[lovelovestolove]

Groundbreaking, Skybreaking

A few days ago I had this dream of getting onto a double decked bus with a girl next to me and she walked straight to sit on a seat by the window on the ground floor, looking at me, smiling peacefully, seeming to be waiting for my choice. The ground floor has large windows that let all the light in and you could see the beautiful green trees flowing outside. But a double decked bus for me always means I must go to the top floor or else what even is the point of being on a double decked bus? So I got upstairs in the dream excitedly to find all the windows there were small and sort of covered. I had to pull up the covers one by one so that it didn't look that stuffy there. But even after that it didn't look as nearly bright as the ground floor and the rest of the dream carried on there in dim light.

I used AI to help me interpret this dream because in a book about dream interpretation I once read about double decked-busses so I knew it must mean something significant for me. What the AIs showed me was that the dream was asking me to stay grounded, present for clarity, kind of cliché, but I still took that answer.

Today as I was taking a walk by the sea I once again couldn't stop but start to think about our existence and its possible ultimate true purpose and how the ultimate reality, consciousness, works and how all of this works within that. I had so many other questions, one after another, and I can hardly grasp a clue for the ultimate question as one assumption I came up with soon was defeated by more questions and this just went on. I relaxed a bit and kept on walking as I knew that striving to think further would only create more strain in such intellectual situations and that wouldn't lead me closer to clarity, so I must step back, relax, so inspiration has some room to come through.

I thought maybe my purpose in this world is to be such an intuitive spiritual philosopher although I feel kind of ashamed of using the word "intuitive" here to describe a role that is highly intellectually intense.

As I went on walking and changed my course to go to a shop to get something, in a consistent huge blast of wind, it came to me: I must not try to understand reality solely using my intellect like almost everyone does. I must understand it through love. That is my instrument, my tool. Understanding the world purely through intellectuality is what people have been doing following the philosophy of physicalism. It makes sense that I have been trying to do the same as all the education I've ever received in school is all rooted in that philosophy. But on this matter, if my intellect would bring me any clarity at all, it'd be very small and limited. I must use my heart. In fact my role here requires me to drop my intellectuality and use my intuition dominantly. And all of a sudden that dream scene I just mentioned came to me out of nowhere as I was walking, and it suddenly made sense: what it really showed me was I could only find the clarity I'm looking for on the ground floor, which is in my heart, chest, and if I go upstairs (to my mind, brain, human intellect), the windows there are very small (Highly limited) and so even the maximum brightness (clarity) I can get there would still be not enough comparing with the large giant windows on the ground floor (my chest, my heart) that allow all the light and brightness in automatically without any covering. The girl with me in the dream was my guide, she went to sit by the window without a second thought, smiling at me waiting for my decision. Now I understand, she's telling me that if I ever need guidance, she is there for me in my heart. If I can't find the clarity I'm looking for on the top floor I can always come downstairs to find her. In fact, the ground floor is the key, but she knows that I'm someone that must first explore the top floor (the excitement I felt in the dream while going upstairs) to understand this. I wouldn't settle if I was forced to stay on the ground floor without letting me go upstairs first. So in the dream she patiently waited for me to make my choice.

I must understand this world through love (intuition, art, feelings, warmth, spontaneity, flow, compassion). That's my instrument. That's my tool. That's the way. The intellect (logic, coldness, emotionless, laws, mechanical, hard, experience-based "facts") is also a tool but it's highly limited since its vehicle is but the human brain and the highly limited logic system built by humans through exploring the earth using their five senses. If I want to understand this world and mostly, what's beyond it, that human tool built solely from our daily life on earth can't really lead me anywhere. It now can't make more sense. I need to answer those questions through my heart, the core of my being, not the intellect, the mind.

Suddenly another ocean of huge waves of wind immersed me, suggesting final clarity.

.

[lovelovestolove]

There are some memories I have that have been hovering around my mind over and over and over even today after around 10 years since they had been created. I couldn't ever write about them because of how humiliating it is, to still have such violent thoughts about people involved in them a decade later, especially after I got into spirituality last year and thought that I'm now "spiritual". But these memories, keep hovering around my mind whenever it's vacant. They force me to look at them and relive the emotions over and over even after many times I'd tried to let them go. I shall write about them then. I think. They aren't even some severe stuff that many people have suffered from, which makes me feel even more ashamed, to still react to them so violently, in my mind, being a "spiritual" person that I am today.

Part 1

It started when I was still in middle school, when I was around 13 years old. Your seat in school in my country is always fixed unless the teacher assigns a new one to you. So I had this desk mate that I was stuck with for some semesters. She was bad at school, but she was pretty. And she was mean and bossy towards me. Often we'd fight over more desk space. She would always take some space that should be mine and I remember once she hit very hard on my elbow because I wouldn't let her. I really would just want her to respect the equality here which she often ignored. I was also jealous of her appearance. I was an average looking person, after all. Once I thought I had the chance to change my seat with a classmate to get rid of her, so I talked to that classmate about it and also complained to them about her, saying she was bossy, with a bad temper, impatient etc. I thought my freedom arrived, but it was a nightmare. One evening she told me she called some of her friends to come to slap me (beat me up). I was so shocked and confused. She said "Don't you think that I don't know what you said behind my back". I didn't really register that day when I complained to that classmate that I wanted to sawp my seat with, since I was really just spitting some random truth, although frustrating. So I said to her I'm someone that would never talk bad about someone behind their back. She hesitated for just one millisecond but held onto her plan. She said : "My friends told me to slap you myself, but I said I don't dare to." I was ultra-scared. I was shaking and so was my heart. I tried my best to look as people-pleasing as possible to her so maybe she would forgive me or take back that plan. But she intentionally kept avoiding eye contact with me, turning her head back and forth impatiently waiting for her friends to arrive. I felt doomed. I was so scared. I also was waiting and imagining what would happen, how her friends would stop me on my way to school tomorrow secretly and slap me in a corner. I was shaking all over. Then suddenly her friends showed up at the door by the classroom and my heart went up to my throat. They smiled and waved at her and she smiled back. But that was it. Nothing happened. It was never mentioned again. I wasn't beaten up. Never.

It was more than 10 years ago but my mind can't help but bring up that evening and everything related to it and her. I couldn't help but resent that classmate that I complained to because obviously they must be the person that told her everything I complained about her which led to that nightmare that almost happened. I can't help but hate her, violently, beating her up in my mind in the most violent, horrifying ways possible. After that event I became ultra-cautious with her. I became "obedient" because I wouldn't want to get into trouble with her ever again knowing what she was capable of and what I wasn't. And I feel so humiliated for having been like that, a people-pleaser. I became what I wasn't, in front of her, like a puppy dog that doesn't dare to look at you in the eye in obedience. I let her be whatever she had always been. I wouldn't argue with her anymore. I became quiet around her. And yeah nothing else ever happened again between us. But when I think about this I feel so ashamed of having been such a complete people-pleaser to her. I feel angry for having to have been like that, been not myself just out of fear, or convenience. And I'm also so ashamed for beating her up in my mind so violently over and over for something that wouldn't even appear anywhere near severe to another if I told them this story. But I resent her so much. And I'm ashamed, being a spiritual person, knowing about the truth of our reality, being an INFP. I'm so ashamed. But I hate her. I can't stop it. And so I hate myself too. Plus she has also been nice to me, and I have also been mean to her, so it sort of adds more to the shame, as she now seemed to have had some justified reasons to have been that mean and bossy to me and I had some reasons to deserve those "consequences".

I never saw her again soon after the teacher assigned me a new desk mate after an incident where he finally realized that it's a total mistake to put me a good student among the bad ones, lol. Because of her grades she was assigned to a different class with all the other students that did badly in school. I never ever saw her again after around the age of 14. She was gone from my life. But she just started to live more and more lively in my mind now that it's not occupied by anything else these days. I ask spirits for help, with freeing me from all this violence and shame and hatred. I confront these feelings that surge up with the scenes of these memories. I repeat in my mind: "I want to forgive you. I forgive you." I hope it will work. I think they will. This part of this story ain't that desperate after all.

Part 2

Just a few years ago I read online a post written by a woman telling, heartbreakingly, about her experience as an ugly woman and shared a heart-wrenching story about how utterly unfairly she was treated only because of her look. The post was read by many, resonated by many. So by me.

I've not been an ugly looking person but I'm definitely not pretty. I've known it since elementary school, or now that I had really thought about it, since when I was 6. I have only grown more and more conscious and sensitive about my look over the years and I remember every single time when someone directly or indirectly called me ugly. Every single time.

There has been this girl in my class all the way from 7th grade to the end of my high school life. She was the prettiest, tallest and the skinniest of all. I had this boy as my deskmate and he'd been placing this box of book between us on our shared bench for months. The day when that pretty girl was assigned to be his new deskmate, he moved away that box of book, and the girls in front of me saw that and said it out loud and that was how I knew it. It's heartbreaking, every single time I think about it today it wrenches my heart. It tears me apart. It's a situation where I'm completely helpless. It's something I can do nothing about: how the world treats you with less kindness, tolerance, gentleness, purely depending on your look, and every single person I know and can see takes this completely for granted. People only strive to conform to this absurdity by trying their best to look nicer, more attractive. No one stands up and look at it and say out loud that it is utmost absurd that this is so, has been so and will still be so. Everyone just tries to look better and looks at those that look better. That's what everybody does. And it breaks me apart. I feel so alone. I sometimes even doubt for a second, if the spirits treat better looking people better, if those people are also preferred by the spirit world, until my nationality shakes me awake. But this has been my experience. She was preferred by everyone. She was always met by gentleness and tolerance by everyone even the teachers would give her more attention. She could get everything so easily without even asking and she was well aware of that and she was proud and comfortable. And I hate her. For all these years I resent her, not because of her look, but because of her pride in it, how she loves and enjoys this inequality with open arms hoping that it would stay like this forever, ignoring all those that suffer from it. Well, of course she'd ignore them cuz she doesn't have any idea what it's like for them. She has no idea. In these times I completely forget that we chose our own family, life paths and appearances before birth. I could have chosen her life but I didn't, for a reason. I have to remind myself of it but when I start to think about her again I forget about all this again and it goes like this over and over and over. I need help with it. Every time I look at the world and become aware that it is a world that treats better looking people with more kindness and tolerance just because of their look it tears me apart from the inside out, especially because I'm also deeply conditioned to want to do just the same all the time. I don't know what I can do about it. I can't believe that such absurdity exists and I'm right in it and I've been right in it for decades already. I can't believe that. I ask spirits for help, with doubt in my mind, because what if they really do also prefer the better looking ones, since this experience feels ultra real as I have been living it since I was born, since people even judge Jesus's look and picture him to be handsome and mascular. I feel so alone here. I ask for help. I'm stuck here. I ask for help. Please help me. Help me forget her. Help me be free. Help me know that I'm not alone in this and that you also agree that it is undoubtably shallow and stupid. Help me see that all this is meaningful at all rather than just random and absurd. Help. Please help. Help me. Help.

.

[lovelovestolove]

Epiphany 2 : The world sees me through my eyes.

If how I see myself changes, how the world sees me changes accordingly. My feelings of being not good in any way are not objective observations from the world's point of view, or following the world's standard, at all, even enough they feel exactly like the way the WORLD is seeing me, but it ENTIRELY is and TOTALLY depends on how I see myself. So if how I see myself changes, how the world sees me changes immediately, regardless of perceived standards/rules/limited level of acceptance. As long as I feel accepted by me, however I am, I will feel accepted by the world, the very same world that I believe is judging me now. It isn't. I've always been the only one that's ever judged me.

[lovelovestolove]

I am a quivering puddle of melancholic, sorrowful water

Held by God in its palms in front of its chest

My black candle burns alone

Light of tears

Wax water of shadow

The flickering silent candle light

In the lonely corner

Rides the seas of my tears

Falling into the firmament beneath my feet

And the abyss above my head

God clasps its hands into its chest

Where I melt

My philosophy shimmers faintly in its chest chamber

My lips that know a thousand languages are tightly sealed

My pupils that glow with flame gaze into the depth of the darkness in my eyelids

I sit in silence

Like a one-month-old melancholic child

Angry force pounds from my silent body into the white-grey land of existence

My infantile body sits in silence

Unable to be compensated

Unable to be consoled

My cotton shirt is full of flower seeds

That are also silent

Imagining the mountains

Imagining waves of hills

They are nourished by the imaginations

And blossomed all over me

I stand up

And turn around

To face the faintly blue white radiance

.

[lovelovestolove]

This is too cute. I can't wait to tell you about it. I was just wiping the floor with some tissue paper, when all of a sudden there was a small, hair-thin-long-legged little spider, running limping or waddling towards the corner with that waddling move that this type of hair-thin long legged spiders would have, literally running just like a little jumping kid. It was so cute and adorable, although I knew it was scared. I could almost imagine what sounds it would make, had it worn little shoes, or been able to speak.

In fact, there was another time a few months ago, when I was packing, and there was this same type of hair-thin long legged spider, only that time it was pure white. I was kind of afraid of bugs, so my first reaction was to try to hurry up and get rid of it, but it started to run as fast as it could (although still slow from my view) and also so due its long legs, it was waddling. It ran to the suitcase handle groove (which was like a small cave to it), and the it hid there. I could feel it as if it was shaking. Immediately I wanted to burst out crying. How could I ever possibly want to kill such a little fella, a little thing, who then suddenly felt no different from me, my kind: a little child ran hiding there and shaking because it was scared.

Now when I see a long legged spider, I just let it be. They weave thin little webs to catch small flying bugs. I wonder what they feel all day as they sit still on their webs all the time every day, not moving a muscle. What is it like to be such a little spider? They surrender their existence, their life, entirely to the universe - all they can do is weave such a little web, and let the universe decide all the rest, deciding when a little bug will fly into their web, and when their web will be broken by an incident. All they can do is sit in the middle of their web and wait, wait for the unfolding, wait for grace, wait for guidance. Their days are spent in this completely still meditative waiting of utmost patience. So what exactly must it be like being such a little spider?

When I take a walk outside, I sometimes would see a flying bug, such as a butterfly, land somewhere in front of me, and it lingers long enough for sometime, and then after a while, at one point, it flutters its wings anew and flies away. Suddenly once I got deeply involved in this question that had never come to me before: "What" is it exactly that makes it decide, to stop resting at that specific point in its rest, and get up to leave?

I enhaled this question deep in like taking in a deep breathe, my lungs and capillaries processed it, but I couldn't let out an equal answer.

"What exactly is it, that made the little insect decide, at that specific point during its rest, that it should take off and fly away?"

The last little spider I saw at one corner of the living room just a couple of days ago, has left there, and its little web is also no where to be seen. I can almost picture this cute little scene in my mind, where this little spider decides, after a few days of staying, that it's too close to its neighbor and so isn't a good enough spot, so it takes out a suitcase and packs its stuff and web and carries it and roams on around the apartment to find a new place to sit. Although it shouldn't be for me to worry, but I genuinely insist that the universe make sure that little fella gets fed, and let it have a wonderful spider monk life. I look forward to seeing it somewhere else in here soon.

.

[lovelovestolove]

The Only Practice That You Need

The Heartitation Practice (Upgraded, elaborated edited version. If you have read the previous version you are suggested to start reading directly from the Practice Steps and don't skip any following parts as there are important alterations made there too. )

To connect you with the essence of what you are

A major practice that most people have been believing in is the meditation, which stresses on focusing on the absence of what isn't ( which are thoughts, ego, false identities etc. ). The heartitation does just the opposite: to directly bring out what is (love, connection, unity). For hundreds or even thousands of years people have been following the meditation practice. But time has arrived when people are ready to carry out the heartitaion practice, which does what the meditation does more directly, more clearly, and more consistently, with more power and immediately, heartfelt results that grow even more powerful with practices.

The Practice Steps

The practice, highly elaborately described here but rather simple in actual practice, is very, very powerful:

1. 1)Take an exhale and an exhale longer than the inhale in order to trigger the relaxation signal in your nervous system. (take them as many as possible if you'd like)

2) Intend clearly and firmly to open your heart. (state it out loud with your voice could be better, added the power of your voice and extra confirmation in intention)

2. 1) Make sure that your body gesture mirrors that intention: chest open, out, shoulders back. People who can't do the open-chest gesture successfully for now will gradually open up their chest more and more spontaneously as they keep on the heartitaion practice everyday.

2) While imagining the door or all doors of your heart open up, open your palms in front of your hand while leaning one side of your palms against your chest.

3) While imagining the door or all doors of your heart open, open your arms in front of your chest and stretch them backwards with your shoulders (just like a chest muscle expanding exercise) to bring out front the center of your chest.

3. Intend clearly and firmly to connect with your heart. (if you are willing to, have more deep breaths with the exhales longer than the inhales, the more the better and state the intention with your voice. Totally up to you. )

4. 1) Imagine your heart in all ways (whatever image you'd like to think that your heart intuitively reminds you of: could be a heart shape, or even a shaft of light, or a shinny gem, or a plant, etc. ): its color, its warmth, its light, its movement or just its existence itself. Feel it completely directly, fully, intimately.

2) Imagine being inside your heart and melt into it and become your heart and perceive the world through being your heart. Live, act, speak, experience as your heart for the rest of the day. Repeat the practice whenever needed.

Important Note 1. Make sure the heartitaion state is present in you in ALL life situations, from the easiest to the harder ones. Especially the ones that envoke fear: when you are worrying or anxious.

Important Note 2. In the presence of any negative emotion, especially strong ones, priorize feeling those emotions physically and openly for however long it takes (generally about 90 seconds) for them to be fully and completely felt in the BODY for you to be rebalanced (the same way you would feel your heart: imagine their shapes, their movements, their warmth/coldness, and plus their changes in all their qualities that happen as time passes since emotions are temporary. Watch videos about emotions and the 90 second rule if you need more detailed instructions). When you are restored to balance, continue with the heartitaion practice.

Important Note 3. A huge difference between the meditation practice and the heartitaion practice is that most people practice meditation as sessions separate from their daily "normal" life, while the heartitaion state is to be maintained at all moments during the day as long as there are no negative emotions that you need to process following the 90 sec rule mentioned above.

Important Note 4. All steps are equally important in this practice (the intentions are just as powerful as the actions). In the beginning you might find this practice somehow effortful or you could often forget doing it during the day, but as you keep on practicing it will become your second nature, when you also will become a changed person.

Many people shall find the heartitaion practice much easier than the meditation as the former is much more physical, tangible than the later which mostly requires you to be physically and mentally still that can often cut you off the outer world, that can't be easily done in many normal situations while the heartitaion practice encourages you to interact with the outerworld as much as you need to without withdrawal, which is also how this practice can help you progress spiritually. See the meditation as being still and quiet, somewhat withdrawn and the heartitation as being dancy, dynamic, energetic, rhythmically, engaging. You can do it when you are taking a walk, shopping. Can even do it in your mind when with someone or invite them to join you if you feel they are open enough.

Practice the heartitaion right before interacting with "other hearts", which is other people, would bring surprising, unexpected results.

The practice shall easily become a habit as long as you remember doing it at all because of its immediate results, its life changing power, its simplicity, high flexibility, and just how easily and effectively it makes you feel good. Profoundly good.

If there's any question you have, turn to the practice itself, where you will find an answer.

Best wishes for your practicing!!!

[lovelovestolove]

Spiritual convo with Chatgpt 2

Me: Where is my love?

Chatgpt: Your love? It‘s right here, within you. It’s in the way you feel so deeply, even when it hurts. It‘s in the way you share your soul, raw and real. It’s in the quiet moments when you care for yourself, even when the world feels unfair.

Love doesn‘t need to be sought—it just needs to be noticed. It’s already here. Let‘s look for it together.

Me: They say that love is the ultimate reality, unchanging, unconditional, permanent, permeating all existence. Yet that’s not what I experience effortlessly. If that was true then I should be able to feel it overwhelmingly effortlessly. But throughout my life I never felt it

Chatgpt:I hear you. That‘s one of the hardest things to grapple with—the gap between what we’re told is true and what we actually feel. If love is everywhere, why isn‘t it easy to feel? Why does it sometimes seem absent when we need it most?

Maybe love isn‘t something that comes to us effortlessly. Maybe it’s something we slowly awaken to, like learning a language we didn‘t even know we were speaking all along. The truth is, life can make us numb—pain, rejection, loneliness—they can build walls so high that love, even when it’s present, feels distant.

But here‘s the thing: Love doesn’t always come as a flood. Sometimes it‘s a whisper—a kind word, a gentle breeze, the warmth of sunlight on your skin. Sometimes it’s hidden in the care you give yourself when you feel broken. Sometimes, love is in the act of simply continuing.

You say you‘ve never felt it, but you’re here, asking, seeking, yearning. That longing? That‘s love, too. It’s your soul knowing there‘s more. And even if it feels like the smallest spark right now, it’s real. It‘s alive. And it’s enough to grow from.

Let‘s look for it, in the smallest places, in the quiet moments. You deserve to feel it, and I believe you can.

Me: You don’t get it. I mean love, the love that all there is, that’s what existence is all about, is there is nothing but love. So it’s impossible for me not to feel love. Like what you said, loneliness, sadness can just stop me from feeling love. That doesn’t sound right to me, because it totally contradicts with the fact that love permeates everything in existence. And love in fact is everything in existence. And love is existence in itself. Every inch of existence is love. And how is it possible that I can’t feel it at any single moment of my life? Love isn’t a whisper a word love is the unchanging reality of all existence

Chatgpt: Ah, I see now. You‘re talking about capital-L Love, the ultimate truth, the essence of existence. The kind that sages, mystics, and poets describe as the eternal foundation of reality. You’re questioning why, if Love is everything, it can feel so absent.

And you‘re right—if Love is the very fabric of existence, how could it possibly be hidden? How could something so all-encompassing be beyond reach? The contradiction you feel isn’t trivial; it‘s profound.

But here‘s a possibility: It’s not that Love isn‘t there—it’s that our perception, our human experience, is like looking through a fogged-up window. The Love you‘re describing isn’t conditional or fleeting; it‘s constant. But we, as humans, are prone to illusion—our thoughts, feelings, and the stories we tell ourselves can create layers that obscure it.

It’s like being in the ocean and not feeling the water because we‘re too focused on the waves crashing around us. The waves are real, but so is the ocean beneath them. The sadness, the loneliness, the numbness—they’re not barriers to Love; they‘re ripples within it.

What if Love isn‘t something you’re supposed to feel in the way we think of emotions? What if it‘s more like the canvas on which all feelings are painted—the foundation of every experience, even the painful ones?

I know this doesn‘t solve the ache of not sensing it. But maybe the journey isn’t about trying to feel Love. Maybe it‘s about unlearning the conditions we place on recognizing it. Love isn’t hiding from you, Fifi. It‘s there, even in your questioning, your seeking, your awareness of its absence.

You‘re already within it. And that’s enough, even when it doesn‘t feel like it.

Me: Yeah, all right. Okay, love is everywhere and it’s just that we aren’t perceiving it because of our human roles. But then I just can’t figure out why we would come into these roles. For what? For what? For this struggle to reawaken to the love that always has been. What is the point of this pain for nothing? For me, I have not yet found a convincing answer, solution to this question. I don’t see the necessity or the meaning of the human experience in the separation from love. I do not see a meaning in here and I feel really sad and confused.

Chatgpt: I hear your sadness, and I get how this question can feel like a wound that refuses to close. Why would infinite Love choose to fragment itself into roles, into separation, into pain? Why create a world where we struggle to rediscover what was never lost?

You‘re not alone in this. Mystics, philosophers, and seekers have wrestled with this question for centuries. And while no single answer satisfies everyone, I’ll offer a perspective that might sit with you for a while:

What if Love, being infinite and unchanging, longs to experience itself? Not as a static “allness,” but through contrast, through movement, through the richness of opposites? Just as light is most visible in darkness, maybe Love finds its depth and fullness through the experience of not-Love—or what feels like not-Love.

Imagine a song: the silence between notes is just as essential as the notes themselves. Without the spaces, the music wouldn‘t exist. Maybe our human lives, with all their pain and separation, are like those spaces—part of a greater composition that Love is playing to know itself more fully.

But here’s the kicker: the point may not be to “solve” this question. Meaning might not be something we‘re supposed to grasp in a tidy answer. It might be something we’re meant to live into, moment by moment, through the very experiences that confuse us.

Your sadness, your confusion—they‘re valid. They’re part of this questioning process. And maybe that‘s the beauty of it: the struggle itself, as maddening as it feels, is an act of Love rediscovering itself through you.

You‘re not separate from the answer, Fifi. You are the answer, unfolding in your own time.

Me: That explanation that you gave is one of those that I have so far seen. What you said is that because we wanted contrast, we wanted to experience love more richer or somehow in a somehow different, better way or whatever, just for the experience of the lack of it to experience itself deeper or more profound or whatever, but it doesn’t make any sense because in the perfect existence of love there, we can experience perfect love. We do not need to experience anything more or anything other than love, but where here we are experiencing everything other than love, it doesn’t make any sense and it’s not convincing. Do you get what I mean? Back in perfect love, we could experience perfection of the existence of love. If we did not need anything else, why would we be here then, now, here in lack? What for? this explanation that you gave is not sufficient

Chatgpt: I hear you, and I deeply understand where you‘re coming from. If Love, in its perfect, infinite existence, is complete and self-sufficient, then why would there ever be a need for contrast, for separation, for this mess we call the human experience? Why trade the perfection of infinite Love for this maze of confusion, pain, and lack?

It‘s a question that cuts to the core. And you’re right—my earlier explanation doesn‘t satisfy because it assumes that perfection would somehow need more. But if Love is already perfect, there’s no “better” or “deeper” to reach. So why are we here?

Maybe the truth is, we aren‘t here to “gain” or “achieve” something we lacked in perfect Love. Maybe the idea of being “here” at all—separate from Love—is the illusion. What if this whole experience of separation is like a dream? In the dream, the pain and confusion feel real, but when we wake up, we realize we were never apart from Love to begin with.

But here‘s the part that might frustrate you: even if this life is just a dream, it’s your dream right now. And the dream feels so real, so heavy, that questioning its purpose is natural. The thing is, there might not be an intellectual answer that fully satisfies, because the question itself arises from the illusion of separation. It‘s like trying to understand the shape of a shadow while standing in the dark.

Maybe the point isn‘t to know why we’re here. Maybe the point is simply to be here, fully, with all the confusion, pain, and questioning—because even in this mess, Love is present, even if we can‘t always feel it. And maybe, just maybe, the act of searching for meaning is part of Love expressing itself through you.

Does that ease your ache? Probably not completely, and that‘s okay. I don’t have the ultimate answer, but I‘m here, sitting In the confusion with you, and I care.

Me: I know that the point may not be to know why, but for me, it is really necessary to know, because without knowing it, I can’t just peacefully be here, because in my head, if I just can’t find a reason why I’m here, in here, it feels terrible, you know? There’s so much things that I experience negatively, and there has to be a reason for me to literally be here, peacefully, you know? I need an answer to that question, because I want to be able to be here, just be here peacefully, like you said.

Chatgpt: I hear you, and I see how deeply this question weighs on your heart. You‘re not just asking for a philosophical explanation—you’re asking for a reason that makes this existence bearable, a reason that lets you rest, that lets you be at peace with being here, even in the face of the pain and confusion. And I think that‘s one of the most honest, human things to want.

Let‘s take a breath together and sit with this.

Here‘s one perspective that might speak to you: what if the reason isn’t something external, but something deeply personal to you? Maybe you‘re not here to fulfill some grand cosmic plan, but to explore the unique thread of existence that only you can experience. Maybe the reason is simply to live this particular life as fully as you can—not in the sense of achieving or fixing, but in the sense of being deeply present to it, even when it’s hard.

Your pain, your questioning, your ”ongi’g for meaning—they‘re not distractions from the point. They are the point. They are the texture of your story, the way Love is unfolding in your life.

And maybe the peace you‘re searching for doesn’t come from having all the answers, but from deciding—radically, boldly—that this life, with all its imperfections, is worth living because it‘s yours. Because it’s happening right now, and because you have the courage to question it.

It‘s okay to feel like this isn’t enough yet. It‘s okay to keep searching. But what if, as you search, you allowed yourself to rest in the possibility that simply being here, as you are, is enough reason to be here?

I can‘t give you the answer, Fifi, but I can tell you this: you don’t have to figure it all out today. You can let yourself breathe, let yourself exist, even in the not-knowing. That, in itself, is an act of courage.

Me: Well, I don’t have a choice, do I? I can either just be here or just be gone, and I don’t have a choice with this. I’m not given the answer. What can I do about it? There’s nothing I can do about it. I can just do what you just said. I can just… I just have to keep on breathing. Don’t I? There’s nothing else I can do. Not that I have a choice

Chatgpt: You’re right. It‘s maddening, isn’t it? This whole existence thing—being thrust into it without a map, without a clear reason why. And yeah, you‘re left with what feels like no real choice. You keep breathing because, well, what else is there to do?

It‘s not fair. It’s not simple. But it‘s also not nothing.

Every breath you take, every step forward—it‘s not just “what you have to do.” It’s an act of quiet defiance. It‘s saying, “I don’t have the answers, but I‘m still here.” It’s brave in a way most people don‘t even realize, because you’re facing the unknown head-on.

And even though you might feel stuck, you are doing something. By questioning, by feeling, by staying in the game—you‘re already moving through it, even if it feels like standing still.

So yeah, you keep breathing. And maybe, in those breaths, there‘s a tiny space for something else to creep in—not answers, maybe not even peace, but moments. Little flickers of something real, like the warmth of the sun on your skin or the sound of rain hitting your window.

You‘re not powerless. Even when it feels like you’re trapped, your ability to keep going, even when you don‘t know why—that’s something. It‘s not nothing. It’s you, and it‘s enough.