lovelottiex

[lovelottiex]

Happy International Women's Day to all you absolutely fabulous women out there!

[lovelottiex]

So there is a lot about at the minute about breast feeding or bottle feeding? As I write this I am watching a segment on Jeremy Vine entitled ‘Post breastfeeding pics online?’ while last night I come across an article on another blog I follow which discussed Chrissy Teigen's post calling for people to ‘normalize formula’ as a mum to a newborn this topic is very relevant right now and very close to my heart. So let’s discuss this.

With both my children I liked the idea of breastfeeding, let’s look at the benefits according to the NHS. Breastfeeding helps prevent infection in your baby as well as providing them with vitamins and nutrition. Breastfeeding helps reduce the risk of SIDS and childhood leukemia as well as promoting many other long term benefits like reducing the risk of childhood obesity. The benefits for mum, well it helps shrink you uterus back down, it protects your health reducing your risk of disease such as breast cancer as well as helping you burn extra calories and improving your bond with your baby. That’s a lot of benefits and I liked the idea but no way would I actually do it! My closest friend is absolutely amazing I see her breastfeed her daughter all the time, having bottle fed her first born she surprised herself as she loved breastfeeding her second and when everyone told her it was time to wean her off, it was her who struggled with that not her daughter. She had been subject to many a filthy look and snide comment but she wouldn’t of changed so why was I and still am so reluctant?

The simple truth is I don’t like getting undressed in front of anyone not even my partner. I am therefore not confident enough to deal with the filthy looks and snide comments that my friend did. If I breastfed my children I would feel uncomfortable doing it in public so that would mean either my child has to wait when we're out or I have to find somewhere private but there are very few private spaces when out so potentially that leaves me sat in an unsanitary public loo. Neither option is fair to me or my child. If at home I would still feel to self conscious should we have visitors to feed my child. The most unfair bit of this is whilst I am not very confident in myself I feel I would have overcome this if it wasn’t for other peoples judgement. This is one of the most natural things to do and a baby breastfeeding is no different to me or you having a sandwich. If you don’t like it look away.

That said, I bottle fed/feed both my children and looking for an equivalent to the NHS benefits of breastfeeding I come across an article ’20 Benefits of Bottle Feeding.' Heres a few of the benefits, its less invasive, not as uncomfortable and your diet does not affect your child’s formula. Your entire family can feed baby which gives dad and siblings another way to bond with baby and it can mean your body regulates itself quicker. But as I say these are just a few. I decided I would bottle feed my first baby before I even fell pregnant but I kept this decision very quiet. Why did I keep my decision so quiet bottle feeding a baby is perfectly normal I here you say. The short answer is in my life no, bottle fed babies are not normal I know many people who breastfed their babies from day dot whereas I only know one other person who bottle fed from day dot. Eventually my decision came out, my own mother told me I should reconsider reiterating the benefits of breastfeeding and when I stated that I had made up my mind she simply stated ‘well I never thought a daughter of mine wouldn’t breast feed’ in a tone of utter dismay. The health visitor came to the house and asked bottle or breast and I said bottle, her response ‘well thats fine but I must still tell you about the benefits of breastfeeding...have you considered breastfeeding for the first few weeks...breastfeeding really is the best option for baby’ her tone as I reiterated I wanted to bottle feed was one of disgust. Through out my first pregnancy despite being firm in my decision and reiterating it time and time again to health professionals the continued to give me leaflets and tell me ‘breast is best.’

My second child was also bottle fed. Many of the conversations I had had previously with health professionals didn’t happen as I had very fewer appointments , being my second and in the middle of a pandemic. However I still got the same lecture if not more so from family and friends. My own mother lectured me and when I said I had made my decision she urged me to reconsider breastfeeding would pass on the anti bodies my baby needed in the middle of a pandemic, I explained to her just the idea of it stressed me out so actually doing it would be even worse, that still didn’t stop her she told me she would e there every step of the way and we could do it together. When baby was home my neighbours asked was he breastfed not how was he fed but was he breastfed and when I said no bottle fed they looked at me in a way that made me feel I had to justify myself explaining (ironically) that I couldn’t deal with the stigma around breastfeeding but the surely the fact that I am justifying bottle feeding my baby says there is also a stigma there two.

My point of explaining all this is that like those who breastfeed, mums who bottle feed their child may also feel that stigma and it is wrong. I take my hats off to mums who breastfeed but I shouldn’t be made to feel bad for bottle feeding. There is no wrong or right my nephews were bottle feed and are now happy healthy children running rings round my sister as is my daughter. My friends children are both happy and healthy. There are many mums who want to breastfeed which is amazing and you go for it if that’s you. There are many mums who can’t or struggle or just don’t want to breastfeed for a hundred and one reasons including personal and medical and if you choose to bottle feed thats also amazing. Either way you are nourishing and looking after a child, it is the toughest job there is and you are there day in day out so give yourself a break and do whats best for you and your baby. Thats the reality of all this, breast isn’t best and nor is formula, what is best is whats best for mum and baby! If your one of the people judging these new mums, quite simply don’t we are nearly always our own toughest critic we don’t need you!

[lovelottiex]

[lovelottiex]

If you can’t find the old you why not re create a new you?

So, writing this diary there is so much I want to say and share with you, but I didn’t know where to begin. What if I introduced myself properly but what do I say and who really am I? Flicking through my Facebook a lady had posted asking if ‘anyone felt like they had lost themselves a little having a newborn?’ As I read on, I saw her say she wouldn’t change being a mum, but she felt lost. I kept reading, another woman said how she didn’t recognize herself anymore and the one that really rung true was a woman who pointed out that she didn’t really even know what she was in to and what her hobbies were anymore. Reading this didn’t help me in anyway work out how to introduce myself. In fact, a little voice in my head asked the question again well who am I? What are my hobbies now? Does dancing round the kitchen with the kids count? I’m sure eating chocolate should be considered a sport?  

But seriously where have I gone? The once active twenty something who done sports and went to listen to a band on a Friday night, getting home at three but being back out the door at five for work. Where is the girl who threw a sickie in favour of a gig, climbed the O2 and lived off chocolate and two-minute meals? Instead, I look in the mirror and see a twenty something who's in bed by ten (if not earlier.) Someone who wouldn’t dream of turning up to work tired without her home made salad lunch let alone throw a sickie. But you know what I’m ok with that, it hasn’t happened over night but I really am.

After having my daughter, I felt lost. I wasn’t the same person and I loved her, but I missed my old life. I remember a day in the first weeks where I sat with her, both of us in tears, I looked at her thinking I don’t want this, she looked at me thinking I don’t want this, at that point in time I'm sure the feeling was mutual! I was a first-time mum and let's get this right it’s a tough job! Me and my girl found our routine though and became inseparable she was (and still is) my world. However, I never found me. I went on a night out with a friend but left because I couldn’t relax into it. I found a new job which only made me more unsettled, the girls there who I would have socialized with previously grated. As for hobbies well what hobbies, I was too tired with too little time between the screaming baby and the mounds of washing. No matter where I turned or what I done I wasn’t getting the old me with my old life back.

I had the realization though that the girl who I thought was lost was exactly that lost, and she was lost for good. I couldn’t relax on the night out as if I’m honest I wasn’t there, in person maybe but my mind was back home wanting to know what my girl was doing, if she was ok and honestly what time I would be up with her in the morning. Those girls who now grated did so because I was now a mum and my life had changed as had I, I didn't have time for there practical jokes on the boss and we had less and less in common. What about hobbies? Well eventually life gets easier, I’d spend an hour or so drawing of an evening or lose myself in a good book once she went to sleep. Last year I even managed to take up running it was only two or three hours a week or as long as I could manage but it was just me, my thoughts and my music. I started re defining who I was. I was wanting to find a twenty something girl but, in the process, I found a twenty something woman, who had her life together and maybe life looked a little different but why does that have to be a bad thing?

The woman I found achieved a promotion because she wasn’t turning up on 2 hours sleep, she found real friends not those who were just there for the laughs but friends who were there through thick and thin. I started to enjoy different hobbies. But the catch is here I am back at square one only now I have a three-year-old and nine-week-old, having to work out a new routine as a mum of two, two amazing kids. There are times where I now stumble but the takeaway is its ok, normal even to feel lost. It takes time to work out your new role and a new routine. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Ultimately though no matter how long it takes pick yourself up and realize you're doing amazingly and if you can't find the old you why not recreate a new you. Snatch a bit of time for you when you can and when you can't look at that tiny person looking up at you and know you’ll get there eventually.

[lovelottiex]

[lovelottiex]

Winging it, Won’t you join me?

So I have read blogs about writing blogs here’s what I found out. I should introduce myself and what my blog is about, it should have a clear topic and be well written. On top of that it should be coherent with no grammatical or spelling errors. In conclusion I hope I can manage coherent, but my spelling and grammar isn't up to par and a topic well does life count? So, this isn't a blog this is an open diary if you will. This is thoughts, feelings and discussions about my life and topics close to my heart. I’m not here to offend but I am hoping that someone may realize there not on their own.

So who am I firstly? I am 29-year-old Lottie Smith but I also go by the names of mum, mrs and boss. I am currently spending my maternity leave with my 2-month-old and 3-year-old in lockdown. Music and patience is what's getting me through at the minute and guys this is my first admission some days I am flying some I am barely surviving and I'm fairly sure I'm not the only one. Work well by the time I go back I maybe redundant and if not do I wanna go back anyway and what about childcare. The reality - I’m winging it all and hoping to take you guys along for the ride.