lonelyhearteds-a

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hiii , i’m back after a very long, but very well needed hiatus ! i have missed writing a shit ton and am very excited to get my trash cans going again ! i’ve moved blogs, but i’d really love to keep things going over there !! 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hi . 

okay , ive literally been sitting on this for actual months now because i realize there are more important things going on in the world right now , but im at my own personal breaking point and i’ve realized that i need a space to get everything off my chest and this is as good as it gets since i can’t afford therapy so ,, here goes nothing . 

tl;dr.  tw : drugs , mentions of suicide , overall negativity

so , we’re gonna ignore january and february issues because honestly .... i don’t recognize those months as canon . anyways , i’ve been off of tumblr since the pandemic started in america in march . i lost my job , and i’ve had to use my personal time in order to keep getting something in my bank account , but i was making that + unemployment for a few weeks . everything was fine , truthfully and utterly i was making enough just off of unemployment despite the fact it took 3 weeks to even be processed . then everything hit the fan and it flew everywhere . my mom relapsed in mid-april and she relapsed hard , but me pretending it’s just her illnesses went about my business and decided to ignore it until it exploded in my face . i’m not going into too much detail about it , but with everything she’s done since april we’ve now got a really broken and fractured relationship . it’s taken me nearly fourteen years to realize the amount of sheer trauma she’s put me through ; mentally , physically and emotionally . then , we were almost evicted because she didn’t pay rent for two months - so i had to use my entire stimulus check just to catch up on rent and the mortgage payments . then , i went back to work in may just to process shipping orders . again , was fine for the most part , however i wasn’t making as much and what i had saved my mom found a way to guilt me to spend it . this went on all of may , living paycheck to paycheck . june week one came along and my mom overdosed . this was one of the worst experiences of my life ; it was re-opening week ( apparently clothing is essential during a pandemic )  , my mom was acting like she had no common sense ( destroying the house , not feeing the animals , not taking care of herself , LOSING MY CAT , locking the dogs in the car in 100 degree heat , calling me names i dont even want to repeat .. amongst other situations ), and i didn’t eat . for a week . i was sick to my stomach with stress and exhaustion , living off of literally 5 hours of sleep between friday and thursday when i finally got help from my family after begging them to help me send her to a psych ward for two weeks . she called me every single day and we’d argue every single day . when she was released , it was as if nothing’s changed . she said she was gonna change , but she hasn’t . she walks around with a rain cloud above her head and if i don’t give her money , she guilts me into doing it . so on so fourth . we argue almost everyday about something , whether it’s money or my attitude somehow making her life worse . i asked her one day if she’s ever going to be happy and she flat out told me no . there’s so much more going on with her but if i posted it all i might as well write a book . i’ve never wanted to kill myself more than i do everyday so far this month .

now , july , i’ve recognized i can’t keep living like this . my company has filed for bankruptcy and is closing more than 1200 stores and we don’t know which ones are closing and which ones are remaining opened yet , but if my store closes i have no money to fall back on until i find a new job . i have no money for groceries or pet food , and i don’t have enough to pay all of the bills . my mom over drafted one of my accounts and now i have to pay that back with my next paycheck which means i’m losing $110 automatically when i get paid next .

i’m honestly just exhausted ? like . i’m twenty-three years old and i literally have no will to live because of this woman and the shit she’s put me through . i was not planning on making it to my birthday this year and i was definitely not planning on making it to august . i don’t know . to be frank , i don’t have the energy to care about anything anymore and my anxiety keeps telling my some of my closest friends are over me when there’s no reason for me to even believe that . i’m seeing them all next year at different times and i know they’re excited to see me but i sat here the other day just questioning if that’s even real . i don’t have any friends in the town i live in ; i don’t go out and do things because of corona and if i do , my mom forces herself along . if i buy myself something i have to buy her something or it turns into an argument and an all around guilt trip . 

i’m trying so hard to save enough so i can move out , but .. it’s almost impossible at this point . and i don’t know what to do . i work full time ; there is no reason i should have to consider getting another part time job just to survive . i shouldn’t have had to to parent my parent and sacrifice so much of my life . i shouldn’t be this mentally fucked up , but here i am , once again , crying over spilled tea .

anyways , if you read all the way through , i don’t know when i’m returning to tumblr , but when i do i am still going to be moving blogs . nonetheless , i’m on d*scord ( ♡ kezrah fan club president ♡#9812 ) and i’ve been doing more rp things on there if anyone wants to talk or do things again ( im always game for a welcomed distraction , even if it takes me a minute to reply ) ; i still , for the most part , have the same muses that are listed on my page . love u all loads nd loads .

[lonelyhearteds-a]

hi ily all nd i hope all is well in everyone's lil world ♡

[lonelyhearteds-a]

kicks feet ..... am officially moving blogs 

[lonelyhearteds-a]

g od when i have kids i hope im not as bad as my mom is nd put them through what she’s put me through sighs

[lonelyhearteds-a]

my mutuals..... all very sweet and cute even if we haven’t spoken.... my followers....... so nice and lovely even tho I am a dumbass..... very good vibes

[lonelyhearteds-a]

every day i am like "i wanna talk to my mutuals" but i have the personality of a paper clip

[lonelyhearteds-a]

as the certified mess i am , i am moving blogs in a desperate attempt to get my muse back

[lonelyhearteds-a]

soljua‌:

reasons i haven’t replied back:

- i’m socially exhausted - i don’t have the time right now - i don’t know how to reply - i have a bad memory and got distracted - i’m having a depressive episode and don’t have the energy to socialise

not reasons i haven’t replied back:

- i’m ignoring you just because - i hate you - i’m fed up with you - i don’t want to be your friend anymore

[lonelyhearteds-a]

clears throat . if i move blogs will u guys all hate me ..