llmorsmordrell

[llmorsmordrell]

ᵢₜ ₕᵤᵣₜₛ

I haven't cried like this in a while. It feels like my heart doesn't belong in my chest, it hurts.

Our call cut by itself while you were asleep, it allowed me to cry freely. I don't want you to see me like this, because I know if you do, you will stay, and I cant be selfish and ask that from you because you said you needed to focus on yourself. So I write it here, I know you don't log in to Tumblr anymore, even I took a break from it but I need to talk to someone and I don't have anyone I feel safe enough to be vulnerable with, so I write to myself, for myself.

I know you haven't decided what to do yet, you want to talk to someone close to you and make sure you make the right choice to avoid unnecessary heartbreak. But I know what it will be.

You haven't gone yet and I know tomorrow and the days to come I will be extra clingy, because I don't know when you will tell me you will go. I want to spend every second I can with you before it happens and I'm alone again.

My throat huts because the lump I have there is so big I can't even breathe. It's like my body knows what's coming and I cant stop crying thinking about it.

I thought next time I fly there I would stay and live with you. You asked me to not come back to my country anymore. I've been studying your language so I can get the residency. I was so excited to just leave and be with you, get better opportunities there and help you, be with your family, a family that treated me like one of their own, like the family I never had.

I already miss you and you didn't even say goodbye yet. It's another type of mourning.

[llmorsmordrell]

ᵢ ᵤₙdₑᵣₛₜₐₙd

My heart is heavy. Today you told me that you wanted to experience other things, other people, focus on what you want and what you need to do for yourself. I asked you if you wanted to take a break, you started crying, feeling guilty of something you shouldn't be. "It's okay" I said to ease your pain, while my heart was breaking into a million pieces, because I was starting to believe you would stay like nobody else ever did and experience everything that is to come with me, together.

If you feel like being with me is holding you back from doing all the things you want, I understand. I am sorry if ever suffocated you. I am sorry if I ever made you feel like you can't buy a motorcycle, buy things for your apartment, travel to places, get a new car just because you have to save money for me to be able to move with you, get the residency, the plane ticket, everything that I can't afford. I'm sorry if I don't touch you enough because you expect me to initiate and my libido is not high enough so just wait for you to show me you want it, or don't let you touch certain parts of me because it makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry if changing my behaviour in order to adapt to your personality was a change you didn't want. Most of all, I am sorry that right now I'm not enough and you are not happy with your life.

You said it's not me, that our relationship is great, "the healthiest relationship you ever had and will have" but, that you just aren't happy in your life anymore. I say "I am part of your life, and if you think taking a break from me is going to make you happier then I think it is me."

I know I was your first in many things and you want to explore more. I told you we can explore together if you wait for me to be comfortable enough so I can give you the best experiences and having them together would be amazing, because I love you and I want you to be part of my life. But I understand it has been four years and there has been little improvement, I understand you are young enough to try other things and personalities. I understand you don't want to wait to do what you want, and you don't have to wait for me. You see, I understand I am holding you back, not only in that aspect of our lives but also economically, I am struggling with rent every month, I barely have money to eat where I live, I can't give you what you need and you feel responsible for me. It shouldn't be like that. So I understand. If you have to go it's okay, I will be here if you decide to come back one day. If you find someone that can give you everything that I can not, while also loving you how I love you, I understand too.

You will not be erased from my heart or life, you can talk to me any day at any time, I will be here, you are my best friend after all. I'm sorry I cant be good enough. I am not perfect like you say I am, otherwise you would be happy. I love you.

[llmorsmordrell]

ₛᵤₚₚₒᵣₜ

My love is selling her art at Etsy!

If you like crochet stuffed animals and creatures to decorate your home or give comfort to your baby or yourself, I recommend go check out her shop, shes very talented and she just started!

Your support means a lot, specially at early stages of her growth and will be very much appreciated♥

YOU WONT BE DISAPPOINTED

CLICK HERE ↓↓

[llmorsmordrell]

♥Cₑcᵢₗₑ♥

You are the air I breathe.

When I feel myself drowning, you keep me afloat.

When you aren't around, I feel myself suffocating.

You are my braveness.

When I see you hurting, something in me snaps and I see myself frantic, wanting to keep you safe.

When you are scared, my love will protect you, even from yourself.

You are my peace.

All I want is to keep you by my side forever, give my life to you, because without you I am just chaos.

When I see myself going crazy, your voice soothes me into bliss.

You are my strength.

Next to you, I feel like I can do anything.

I keep myself from falling just to catch you mid air when your wings get tired.

You are my weakness.

If something were to happen to you, I would be destroyed forever.

It hurts to know I was not there when in the past, life tried to break your soul.

I am here now. And I'm staying as long as you let me.

I will guide you through the dark just as you guide me.

I will hold you close against me just as you hold me.

I will give you my strength, braveness, peace and air, when yours seem to be running out.

I will dedicate the rest of my life to love you unconditionally.

[llmorsmordrell]

ᵢ dᵣₑₐₘₑd

I dreamed about you and your mom. But you and your mom were inside me, like I could feel her and I could feel you, we were three souls in one body.

I dreamed I was the shortest of four sisters, sisters successful, so I had no importance in that family.. there was a pool inside this room where we swam but it was not deep enough, I wet myself and got out, because I was the outcast they asked me to leave the room, but I had you, so I didn't care, you weren't there at the moment in a physical way but I felt your love go through me so I knew I wasn't alone, I wasn't happy in that family but I had you. I came out of that room and started wandering alone.

I dreamed about my father's house. I dreamed that there was water on earth so much the earth was moist, and you could feel the life emanating from it. I dreamed that the music was loud at my father's garage so I went outside with my cat. I had my cat on my lap and one of my sisters was outside sitting down when I showed up, it was the youngest one, she saw me with my cat peacefully on my lap, as I pet her softly, it calms my soul. She asked me how am I so drawn to animals and how they can listen to me so much. Then something happened, I saw electricity go through the outside of the house, burning whatever it touched, I went under a roof where there was no metal things to keep me guard as my sister ran to my grandma and asked her for help, I stayed there alone and saw the electricity surrounding me, as I looked up, I saw smoke coming from a light switch so I ran towards it and turned it off, all the electricity left the house and the music stopped. I went inside after that and there was someone I could not make out who it was in her phone, I tried getting her attention but I felt invisible there, no one cares, so i hid under this big barbacue my father has built inside his garage, I hid where all the wood was and looked at the little rocks on the ground where I found a very small turtle, I felt her. I identified myself with her, she was lost and I grabbed her, and talked to her in my mind, then suddenly I wasn't at my father's house anymore. She walked me into this huge space, it looked like a paradise, an oasis, it was inside the depths of a cave where there was a small port to get out of the water and outside said cave. I went into the water with her, what I saw was incredible, there were others like her, but she was the smallest one, I was just watching, I was watching and admiring the ammount of creatures down there, despite me being under water, I couldn't breathe any better. Under that water, different size creatures ate each other sometimes, I understood that's the nature of the world but I wanted to protect my new friend, as that thought went through my mind I saw a flash of you, you were holding this small finger size fish tank where my new friend was, and where I was in currently, I don't know why I was so small, but it was like you were holding my paradise, and you were looking in, as I swam with the creatures I found.

There was bad in there too, I found out after a while of hanging out in there, pirates, they came in and looked inside the place from the port, this paradise was hidden from everyone so I didn't imagine there was gonna be evil in there. We heard the pirates so we all hid under that port they were standing on, they saw nothing, and they heard nothing so they started leaving, but as they were leaving I saw a light right next to the port on the water the pirate looked closer because he saw it too, so he looked behind him, now he could see under the port he was standing on, we hid underwater now so we wouldn't be seen but I was looking through the distortion, then as he didn't see us, he turned back around and grabbed whatever was glowing aparently other people got here before me and they were looking for something they didnt find, and that light meant something, fixating my eyes on it, that light, it looked like a scanner with the number 75 flashing on it, I think it had to do with the paradise and how to find something that was hidden there, but then a growl was heard and the pirate kicked it ayway towards us, towards the water.. we moved away from it , careful to not be seen if that light gets near us we would be exposed and it sank to the bottom.

Once the pirates went away, I looked down to the device, the light emanating from it illuminated the bottom of this huge pond and i saw a leather bag, I swam towards it and grabbed it, it was half open so I looked into it, what was inside it was your mom's, your mom had written a lot of letters and a lot of things to you over the years that you didn't know about, and somehow this became the treasure the bad people wanted to find but never could, I read them a little bit and then you appeared next to me, you grabbed the letters and looked at me, I nodded letting you know it's ok, that I'm there for you and that you will be ok, because I love you and I would hold you through the bad, so you proceeded to read whatever was written there.

I felt your pain as you read her and miss her but I felt your mom too, it was like I could feel you both and I was the connection between you and her, I was helping you communicate with her, you cried while reading those underwater but just as me, you couldn't breathe any better. My heart was broken for you as you read those letters but you found something under those waters, something really important, it felt as if you were looking for it all this time and you finally found it. I don't know why but at that moment I knew it was your father the one that threw all that away for you to not find..

Now woken up, I'm looking at you sleeping, and im thinking, what if all this is a metaphor? because you are my paradise, because I'm getting to know you more every moment that passes and I get to swim in the waters of your heart and mind, because I feel you and I feel your mom, somehow I feel your mom with me very often.. I feel her right now and I don't know what this is or what it means but I love you, I love her, and she loves you. That is why I love her, because even though she isnt with us, and I never met her.. and i can never really meet her like I wish I could, I know she loves you and I know she wants me to protect you, and I know she's with you.

This dream felt so real.. and I felt so much while dreaming it, because I was feeling me, you and your mom.. us three were inside me, like we are one, and I don't know what this means but i feel closer to you than ever right now.

[llmorsmordrell]

Qᵤₑₛₜᵢₒₙₛ

How do you forgive yourself from the past things you have done? Even if you didn't mean it, even if you regret it, if it's burning your heart deep within you and you can't let it out because your fears control you and you don't want anyone to judge your past actions, because you know you are a changed person and you wouldn't repeat what you regret the most?

How can you make anyone understand that you would never be capable of doing it again? How can you avoid someone that trusts you from stopping, once they know what you did? Knowing yourself that you won't do it again yet they won't believe it?

So you keep it to yourself, letting it eat you inside, regretting it every second that doesn't come out because you want to come clean.. you want to show that you are a better person than what you used to be, but you are ashamed of yourself, you are ashamed of what you were.. you are ashamed to say it out loud and let it be known, because people do not give second chances unless they have a pure soul or have done the same in the past so they understand..

And it's hard to understand because most people would say they regret it if they do something bad but they don't.. they just keep going, they just keep pushing, they just keep on not giving a single fuck.

And that is why those who truly regret it will never speak of it again, because they want it buried in the past and they won't make it come out again.. because if it comes out, it means pain.

That is why, the best way of showing that you are not the same person that you used to be, is by being the person you want to be, right now, at this very moment. Show them without saying it, because actions speak louder than words.. and whatever or whoever from the past comes and brings it up, whoever is by your side will know who you really are, and they will judge by what they see everyday, how you are with them, and how you are as a person.

[llmorsmordrell]

ₕₒw

If you were to see yourself through my eyes, you would understand this question: "How is it possible for you to love me like this? when you can be with anyone you would ever want? when you could snatch any heart that wanders alone in this world and spark up any soul with your light?"

Because you are the most wonderful person I have had the pleasure of meeting, and I think that will never change.

Your smile could make anyone's day, your laugh could save someone's soul, the kindness you posses could bring world peace, the way you think and the way you love, the way you feel things and how you reason situations and solve any issues could leave anyone speechless because you put others before yourself. You make anyone feel comfortable and you make anyone have a laugh because believe it or not your sense of humor is so charming it just lights up the sky..

If you could see yourself through my eyes, you would understand how it is impossible for me to understand, how can you love me the most of anyone you met and think you will meet.. because I am no more than just a simple person who loves you with every cell of my body and all the energy of my soul..

Knowing someone else can love you too if they meet you.. that leaves me as just this regular girl, with nothing else to offer but love and protection.. I would give my life up for you if it means i can save you.

I am in constant fear of losing you because I love you so much your absence would tear me apart.. I don't know how to live without you and I don't want to know either.

Thank you because the honor of calling you my wife it's something i could never get used to no matter how much I try.. because i will never understand how you see me the way you see me just like you don't see the way I see you..

And just like that, there is a question that will never have an answer but I'm ok with it. I am ok with it because you show me daily how much you love me the same way I love you.. Because I know, even if I don't know how, that you would say all the same things I said in this post but adressed to me.. And therefore that contradiction of it.. Here is the answer.

[llmorsmordrell]

ₕₐₚₚy Bᵢᵣₜₕdₐy

Dear Bebe:

Your birthday might have ended but your happiness and dreams are just starting. I'm grateful to have met you and to you for letting me part of your life and heart.. With you I have learned a lot about being compassionate and caring, I have learned a lot about being considerate and respectful, I had lost that for a long while and you reminded me again what it is to live with dignity and light.. You showed me what real love is and I could never be happier for your return to me. Its only 7:30pm for me here and you are fast asleep so I will continue to celebrate your birthday and I will continue to celebrate you afterwards as well because there is no day where my soul isn't happy with yours around.. Thank you because I know now that someone can love me for myself and lets me love her back. I adore you with everything I have and I can't wait to celebrate your next birthday with you in our small apartment we will call home. I can't wait to spend the rest of my days loving you and I'm so happy this is my purpose in life because I wouldn't want any other. I love you, Cecile, and I hope you don't mind me tagging along you in this journey called life. I swear to protect you, cherish you, love you, respect you and much more for the rest of my life. Now I hope you sleep well angel, I will see you in the morning❤️

[llmorsmordrell]

I love you so fucking much.. I..am not crying- 

I remember all the times you told me you didn’t know how to express yourself how i do it.. baby you did it right here.. and you do it daily.. i adore you and i will always be here. You are the one for me too♥ I’m never gonna let you go. You are stuck with me for eternity.  

Her

I have never found anyone like her. Neither have I ever loved someone as much as I love her.

Last night, We talked about different scenarios of how we could've met each other.. what would've happened if we didn't meet where we met? Would we have met each other at all? And when?

I feel like We're meant to be, I'm not trying to be cheesy here.. this is purely based on the way She makes me feel. From a smile to a tear.. from butterflies to driving me insane. I feel like it's safe to say that She's the one. The woman I want to come home to every day. The woman who makes me feel like I can be myself and the woman where I feel safe. She made me realise so many things..

I know you will read this, so when you do, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I'd take a bullet for you. I'd kill to be with you. I feel the need to protect you at all costs, because I don't know wtf I'd do if I lost you. I love you so fucking much it's unreal. This love is a feeling I thought was only possible in movies.. your favorite shows.. but you made me realise that it does exist. I want you.

Whoever or whatever I can thank for having you in my life, I'm forever grateful. I promise to always cherish you, to love you and to be here for you during the toughest times. What wants to break you, comes through me first. I stick by you.. now & forever 💜

[llmorsmordrell]

ₘY ₗₒᵥₑ

You are loving me in a way I never thought someone could love me. You are loving me in a way I wasn’t sure it was real, it is true we don’t know what love is until we experience it. And many times we will think that we know what it is because we have experienced it, but no, from the many times I had thought I knew what It was.. I had no idea.  You hold my hand and never let go, you reassure me constantly and don’t let my mind go into a dark place, you consider my feelings and never invalidate them, you don’t get annoyed by my long rants or my insecurities, you make me feel beautiful and wanted, you don’t let me talk bad about myself, I never understood people that cries of happiness until you brought tears into my eyes with your love, I could already write a thousand songs about you and I can’t wait to be able to write a thousand more. I just hope this is real, I hope I am not dreaming, I haven’t come down from cloud nine and I hope I stay there, I love who you are and how you make me feel, I love that I can talk to you for hours with a smile on my face and a laugh in my throat, I love that I can express myself to you and you understand me in a way I never thought anyone could..  I will never leave your side. I will always do my best to make you the happiest woman on earth, and to show you how much I truly, unconditionally, love you.  Ik hou van jou♥

[llmorsmordrell]

♥ₗₐₛₜ ₕₒₚₑ ₋ ₚₐᵣₐₘₒᵣₑ♥

[llmorsmordrell]

please love me in the most soft and loyal way. I’m so tired.

[llmorsmordrell]

i’m such a slut for reassurance my heart literally nuts when you tell me you want me

[llmorsmordrell]

ₘₐzₑ

She is trapped in a maze of people, feeling hands on her body that aren’t her own, she pushes them away and tells them to go away but they don’t seem to listen, that’s when she starts rethinking her decision of going there. After some more times of repeating the same mistake, she finally stops doing it. Pushes away the pressure of others and learns to follow her own heart, to be free from stranger’s thoughts.

[llmorsmordrell]

“Don’t fuck with my feelings, that’s all I ask for.”

— (via emptystic)

[llmorsmordrell]

Wₑᵢᵣd

There is a darkness living with you, you don’t realize it’s destroying you. You think you can live with it and tame it but it is too strong and too far away from reach. Then that darkness decides it’s over. The torture is over, it leaves you alone. YET, months later it comes back, because you were the only one willing or too blind to take it.

You were too blind, but once it was gone you opened your eyes because that darkness isn’t blinding you anymore. You feel free, and sad. Sad not because that darkness left you, but because everything you thought was good and you had under control, it was the total opposite. You wasted your time trying to fight a darkness that was never gonna go away. Once you get over that sadness and just thank the above it left you, you find light. Something you have never seen before, something that guides you to the right path and makes you feel warm, lets you see. Something extraordinary that if you don’t get to see you won’t believe it’s there. 

The darkness tries to hunt you down one more time, but this time the light is brighter than ever. So you can run away and see where you are going. You arent running into any more holes, you are jumping those holes instead.

How weird it is that the darkness that once left you, that powerful, invincible one, is the one needing the light you always had within you, but you couldn’t see through all the darkness surrounding you. Now you see. Now you are free. Now you are happier than you ever been.