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hello hello! omg its been 3 months...sorry- I don't know when I'm coming back yet

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im reblogging to save it for later! but this already seems like a good post

My autism experience

Part two: obvious signs

(Want say advance is not worded correctly. Let me repeat it’s not worded correctly!!Added in words then the one from in brain because brain not make actual sentences. This isn’t the correct thoughts from my brain. It was my only option so others could understand.)

One thing apart of my autism experience is the fact that I struggle deeply with masking and have what some people refer to stereotypical autism traits.

When people (usually adults), think of autism it’s things like…

Obvious stims- rocking, hand flapping, spinning,stomping, vocal noises

Sensory difficulties- distressed by loud sounds, limited diet, shutdowns and meltdowns from everyday sounds. Picky in what clothes wear

Special interest- commonly one interest, only thing care about, need often/ at all times

Communication and development- delayed, struggle with verbal and nonverbal communication (body language), echolalia, needing other forms of communication, supervision for safety, low awareness

I deal with a majority of the “classical” signs of autism. Don’t need do all these (example: don’t have one special interest and don’t need at all times, don’t need 24/7 supervision) but I do commonly have to live with them. I do live with the stereotypical signs of autism, which is why it’s pointed out so much.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I dealt with those traits, and I only call them stereotypical traits because it’s thing that makes people go “oh, that’s autism. That’s commonly seen in autistics,” (keep in mind, only call stereotypical for self. What’s stereotypical for me, is regular for others. But keep in mind my race and living location does make these stereotypical)

My experience with autism includes people going “oh she has autism; just look at ___” and then people with talk about stims or sensory issues or SpIn(special interest) or how look and act. Because in reality, when people (specifically adults) think of autism, it’s the traits low/ no masking, higher support needs autistics have (lower SN can have. But does look act differently)

I rock, I hand flap, my speech isn’t always understandable. I bang on my chest, I appear unaware of people, I cover my ears and squeeze my eyes closed and (used to, they broke) wear ear defenders. I use fidget toys, I make random sounds. I have to wear the same outfits weekly and struggle in my day to day life because of sensory issues. When people see me, it’s not me they see. They see autism. My existence is nothing more then autism to them, because who I am how I act shows autism.

My experience and life is narrowed down to my autism traits. And with that the word stereotypical appears.

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taking a brief hiatus, if you wanna know why you can ask and I'll message you

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I just wanna say this.

My girlfriend is being discharged from the mental hospital today, and I'm so excited but also quite scared.

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yes because I love math, I'm learning trig for the second time tomorrow, and Holden Caulfield is my favorite human <3

more holden drawing! I recently finished drawing his new ref and other doodles I drew in traditional (with math)

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yeah, today my girlfriend's mom told me that I speak so formally that I don't even seem like I have a learning disability but then when I told her I did she was shocked.

Why is it so shocking?

Imagine my shock as a neurodivergent teen when I first realized that using large vocabulary and eloquent speech doesn't make you less likely to be misinterpreted, rather it adds an entirely new layer of misinterpretation I had never even realized existed in the form of people thinking you're being snobbish or condescending when you're just trying to be specific

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thanks for bringing awareness to this. as a POC this had to be addressed!

My autism experience

Part one: race

My experience with autism is different. Not only because every autistic person is different, but because I’m a poc and appear feminine.

It’s not even female autism but more like. Am black and female, they don’t often think it could be autism, but more like stubborn and defiant. Like shyness and anxiety when it’s obvious autism signs and has been pointed out many times.

And then there people who still don’t think females or black peoples even able have autism; still think is only white people thing. And many gotten better with understanding females can have autism, but they still only think when white.

And when say white don’t mean race. I mean skin color. Appear white, can’t tell is different race. And am not saying white people (boy and girls) can’t be told not have autism even if obviously do. I saying how and why work completely different.

Even when actually talking about race. Can be pet black and that be whole reason why couldn’t possibly have autism.

TL;DR: autism doesn’t have a race. But poc are more likely to be told couldn’t have because race and or skin color

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a year after I posted this I still find it ABSURD that grade 4 me knew what or had a general idea of how to fit in and mask w my classmates.

dang. life was so bad.

unknown masking in grade 4 elementary 😁⁉️

them: why do you mask so much? isn’t it like not good for your mental health?

me: uhh…you want to see me normally? no.

recently i noticed i’ve been masking since elementary school but i didn’t understand that behavior.

have you guys ever seen these before?? please tell me it wasn’t just popular at my school!!

anyways so majority of my elementary grade 4 class girls had these. i didn’t have them and i really thought they were cool. however i did have a swell bottle…!!

and to fit in with the norms of my grade 4 elementary class girls, i used the cap (circled in red) and would use the water absorbed on the splotches and pretend to put it on my lips.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME😭😭 i was bullied after that and began the reign of my grade 4 elementary terror🥱

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so im genuinely at a block so I'm gonna post my old neurodivergent thoughts onto one post.

DISCLAIMER: all the names presented in this are real.

… accidentally having an over-obsession with a special interest. okay… i sometimes consider mrs. tavernise a special interest :D because she understands me, i can confide in her, etc. i also have taken a decent number of her FGF recommendations and one of them being ruta sepetys i must betray you. in the middle of class, she was handing out these packets we’re making for mockingbird and she whispered to me, “when you leave class, look at the one-school one-book poster on my door.” and i understood the assignment. i looked, and because i was next to clover, i said, “omg!! no way. i can’t believe it!” i was ecstatic with joy. … finding a special interest is more fun than what’s actually happening around me. i was so bored in english that i started drawing some nice little sketches on my to kill a mockingbird worksheet. and it was fun. i wasn’t looking up to take any notes from her papers, i wasn’t myself. and i guess she realized that really quick, because i normally ALWAYS pay attention to her but i was feeling lazy and became clover. clover normally draws AND pays attention AND takes notes. i felt stupid. anyways she came up to me because it was evident that something happened. i was disappointed in my essay grade so it’s implied. anyway, she said, “make sure you get the notes from someone, okay?” like NO now that you told me I will NOT get the notes (in protest!!).

…forgetting not everyone is passionate about your special interest. i was drawing on my to kill a mockingbird essay packet and i drew a picture of mrs. tavernise in her black dress for like thirty minutes. at the end of the period i took a picture of it and showed it to her, expecting her to like it. she told me i had to start paying more attention, and i later asked her how to pay attention, and she said, stop drawing. don’t worry, I later resolved this conflict. i got an 88 on the essay! i’m so awesome :) 

… doing something that is not stated in the directions & redirection

i haven’t had to be redirected to drawing during class in a good couple of days or weeks. i love drawing, it’s a passion i semi-enjoy, and we were analyzing quotes in groups. so of course i assume i’m working with clover because so far preferred groups seem to be working. i hear clover’s name and get excited to listen for mine, but for some reason, she paired clover up with their respective partners in the same seating vicinity. i didn’t really care, so for our first part: quiet analysis, i start just casually drawing a speech bubble around the quote but rudely interrupted by mrs. tavernise’s pointer finger pointing to the quote. normally if i just draw i can get away with it, and i thought today was going to be one of those days. however, because mrs. tavernise is making us do a follow-up project; similar to the kill a mockingbird essay, she’s trying to make sure everyone’s on track. even the most neurodiverse of us.

luckily, liyana khan is my fav. she had two extra donuts and came outside my english class to give me half a donut.

she did have to talk to my english teacher -- kinda weird -- because i’d completely forgotten liyana’d promised me a half and mrs. tavernise gave no context whatsoever, except that whoever was outside needed me for 2 minutes. i had my donut and bumped into ms. moss. PERFECT TIMING, much? i told mrs. moss to come into my english class and help me with this because i couldn’t understand the quote, part of the reason i was drawing. she helped 10x a lot, and obviously mrs. tavernise seemed to be death-glancing me weirdly. i tried my hardest after that to avoid all eye contact with her. 

tysm for brightening my day liyana & mrs. moss!! :D

..and mrs. tavernise… don’t ever put me with boys EVER AGAIN. 

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thanks for the answer! My piano teacher always used to tell me not to have T-Rex arms while on the piano, two years later and out of piano I still do them.

I appreciate the answer!

Hey Kait - in your post about stimming, you mention the term polyrephelia...what even is that? I looked it up and no definition came up.

It's some kind of made up thing my brain gave me. I searched it up too and nothing really came up.

But, if you are wondering about my hands still, my mom suggests that it is a sensory/self stimulatory kind of thing that made me do T Rex Arms.

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ah yes, my favorite autistic fear. stimming in public. i have been told by my parents specifically not to, because like you said, it gathers many looks.

however, I stim a lot individually, like besides the "oh lemme fit in and bounce my leg up and down" one.

I like to specifically and intricately describe things with my hands. if I'm listening to a familiar or even unfamiliar song while in the shower I rub my hands and it eventually becomes flapping.

like I hate rubbing my hands so I guess to "get the rubbing off" I start flapping.

also I'm curious to know what polyrephelia is, so thanks for giving me a new word.

OH AND I ALSO HAVE TWITCHES (they're not harmful stims, aka tics) but sometimes I'll just be sitting in class and my nose will scrunch up or I'll be focused and I'll take a hard blink and my brain goes refresh, as if someone rushed to erase whatever is on an etch-a-sketch thing.

I think there's more stims, may describe them later.

P.S. I'm sorry for being inactive, kind viewers.

I so want to stim freely in public, but i understand if my parents don't want me to. I mean, i don't like being stared at myself so i can understand.

Last night, i remember talking about this weird dream about this weird hands thing Polyrephelia, which i somehow knew had something to do with why i held my hands in awkward positions.

And i asked her what it was, and why i did so, and she said that it was due to some sensory thing due to my autism which is kinda like stimming which my mom said to me. I then asked her if she was fine with my stimming, like flapping my hands and others.

But she said she was perfectly fine with it, but she would be concerned if i did so in public because she knew people would stare at me and stuff which i understand.

But, like, why can't they mind their own business and let people be?! Like, what does stimming do to YOU you?!

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some of them are very controversial, but the vast majority of them aren't bad if you have good intentions as a neurotypical person

honestly I'm tired of the person first/identity first debate. the default shouldn't matter very much as long as you listen to what the person in question wants. shout-out to anyone who uses any of the following terms:

person with autism.

autistic person.

autistic (noun)

autistic (verb)

has autism

is autistic

suffers from autism

gifted with being autistic

on the low end of the spectrum

on the high end of the spectrum

very autistic

has a little bit of autism

profoundly autistic

high functioning

low functioning

low support needs

high support needs

gifted

not normal

weird

neurodivergent

disabled

differently abled

ableminded

not disabled

has a touch of the tism

neurosilly

neurospicy

special

special needs

normal

some other word/phrase I've never heard

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thanks!! :)

am i allowed to be sad about my girlfriend in the mental hospital?

no tags.

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thanks @that-autis-tics-sideblog . she was admitted 3 weeks ago but still i just started to worry last night for some reason /:

am i allowed to be sad about my girlfriend in the mental hospital?

no tags.

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am i allowed to be sad about my girlfriend in the mental hospital?

no tags.

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this is so real!!!

but this happens to me too! like HOW did you know i missed my cue???

I've noticed that sometimes when I don't complete the script the way other people expect, they kind of just… answer as if I asked the question anyway?

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KOSA is a no.

🔝🔝🔝

the kids' online safety act

i've gotten a few messages recently asking me to talk about the kids' online safety act, or KOSA, and because i have sort of a platform, i think it's important i use it to try to do some good

first of all, don't let its name fool you.

i'm no expert on the whole thing, but this video here has a very good explanation of it. long story short, this act could threaten minority groups such as black, brown, queer, and others, as well as affect the ability to organize online, among other things.

now, i don't need to tell you, but this is bad.

furthermore, the anonymity the internet provides will be killed, because people will need to prove their age by uploading their government ids.

everything. will. be. watched.

here's a link to a change.org petition to stop it.

we need to fight this.