littlesparkof-madness

[littlesparkof-madness]

My mind is deteriorating and I can only aid in my own destruction.

I got drugged at a club the other day. I couldn’t move, speak or even think, my vision was swimming and I have never been so vulnerable. Since then I’ve been falling back into self destructive coping skills to give myself a semblance of normalcy and punishment for letting this happen to myself.

But it’s never enough and I don’t know what lengths I’m going to go to make myself feel alive again.

[littlesparkof-madness]

Nightmares and the trauma they create

I had an intense nightmare last night that lasted months and I experienced every single moment, and now I have to go on with my life like it didn’t happen.

I check in the mirror for scars along my back that I received nearly every day for two months, but there is nothing there.

I have to cope with a relapse that never even happened and try not to actually relapse in the process.

I wasn’t ever abducted or tortured as a form of punishment but I have memories upon memories of detailed events that I never even lived through.

Life has never felt more fake, and I have diagnosed OSDD so that’s a bit of an achievement for me.

I want to go back to normal life but there are two lives in my head and I don’t know which is real anymore.

[littlesparkof-madness]

TW: drugs and overdose

I’m pretty sure I had a mild overdose last night, and I haven’t told my roommate/partner (or anyone) because I can’t own up to it just yet, nor ready to fight for my right to be treated as a human yet. But I’m trying to now handle the trauma that came from it on my own. It’s really hard to cope when no own I know can even fathom what this is like. I just feel so incredibly alone.

[littlesparkof-madness]

TW// vent | drüg$

Don’t do drüg$, kids

I kinda fell off the deep end, and I’m not really sure what to do. I’m going to run out (old prescription) and I don’t have access to get more or I don’t know how to get access and I’m afraid of who I’ll turn into when trying to get sober.

I don’t know how to get more and that may lead to me trying more dangerous methods, but fuck I’m so screwed here

When I’m high I feel the best I’ve ever felt but I’m so dependent on that feeling because when I come down I’m in pain and irritable and so damn depressed. I think I might be ruining my life but I can’t stop myself

[littlesparkof-madness]

I’ve had to rely solely on myself throughout my whole childhood and teenage years, I’m almost an adult and I help everyone as much as I can because I know what it’s like to have no one. Now I’m faced with a huge, life changing event and I can’t bring myself to reach out to my friends but my dad might d*e and I’m so scared

[littlesparkof-madness]

Why are people so mean? Like why do you care I’m gay it’s not like it affects you??? Bruh stop hating me for something I can’t change I’m struggling to live as it is, you don’t need to make it harder!

[littlesparkof-madness]

I want to be disgusting I want scars all over my body I want to bleed through every pore I want my skin to rip and tear and gush blood why does it have to be on the inside? I want to see how I feel

[littlesparkof-madness]

I’m losing hope at a rapid pace; I haven’t seen the few people who keep my head on right in 3-4 months and I am falling hard. I don’t know if I can make it out of this one. I just need some relief, please

[littlesparkof-madness]

I’m sorry I didn’t speak up, maybe things would have been different if I had, maybe you’d even still be here. I’m so so sorry

[littlesparkof-madness]

Does anybody else who went through child abuse (in any form) struggle with feeling like your experiences are valid because it didn’t come from a parent, but a sibling? And people expect siblings to “not get along” but there is a line between sibling fights and abuse and people don’t always notice it so you always struggle to be seen and feel heard/understood... cuz same

[littlesparkof-madness]

"It just breaks my heart that most of my friends know I have depression/suicidal tendencies yet they never check up on me."

- I just want to feel like I matter to someone

[littlesparkof-madness]

Covid is not over and black lives still matter. Stop trying to "go back to normal" when shit is still happening.

Stop going on trips and going to restaurants without masks.

Keep educating yourself and protesting and calling and donating and signing petitions.

Wear a mask. End white supremacy. Defund police.

I know it's tiring but it's not over for either thing even though people are pretending it is. I know the overlap is exhausting. But be safe, social distance, and keep fighting the good fight.

[littlesparkof-madness]

I only met you once but after your death, a day hasn’t gone by where I don’t think of you. I wish you were still here. I posted about struggling to survive day to day, your best friend commented saying she hopes I’m doing okay. She really misses you. I miss you. I’m sorry you didn’t see a way of living anymore, the world was better with you in it. I hope you found peace❤️

[littlesparkof-madness]

To my friends: please check on me I can’t be strong anymore

[littlesparkof-madness]

All proceeds are going to various organizations within the blm movement

https://youtu.be/bCgLa25fDHM

https://youtu.be/NokTSpMH44A

[littlesparkof-madness]

Trigger warning

A source of trauma and fear is visiting for a few days and I’m trying to numb myself so I don’t crash while he’s here and I actually said the phrase “I’d rather relapse then face this” to myself and I’ve never been more concerned for my mental health

[littlesparkof-madness]

I can’t keep doing this, my only healthy coping mechanisms are coruptted and I am falling apart I just want it to end I want to die so badly but I can’t but I also can’t keep doing this I’ve isolated myself from my friends and I am breaking I can’t do this for much longer I am surrounded by negativity and there is nothing positive anymore I never feel safe i can’t be around the people who even slightly make me feel better and I have nothing to look forward to. I am dying and I don’t think I can survive