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[linfas4]

Unemployment

I’ve been unemployed for a month. January 8, 2020 my boss laid me off due to lack of work. I still have a part time job and am collecting unemployment. A part of me was relieved because I really didn’t like it there. The environment was toxic and the owners are shady as fuck. My anxiety has not been nearly as bad which is a great thing. I am worried though because I lost my health insurance. I can’t go on my husband’s because it would literally cost $1000 per PAYCHECK for the both of us to be on his insurance. It’s such a fucking joke the way these health insurance companies murder you with their rates. Disgusting.

My part time job is in retail and I actually like it! I took the job in August to help pay for my wedding but I ended up really liking it so I stayed. The extra money is nice and my schedule isn’t too bad. The job is not crazy stressful and I really like the people I work with. If I could afford their rates I’d work there full time but it’s only $9 an hour. It’s a perfect side job but that’s it.

I do enjoy being at home though. I’d LOVE to work from home. I have been applying for work at home design jobs and stuff like that. We’ll see what happens! Peace out.

[linfas4]

A Bit of Shame

I LOVE painting my nails. Every Friday (or Saturday) evening I dig through my collection of nail polish and pick a color I want to rock for the upcoming week. My nails usually match whatever holiday is approaching. I will get professional manicures for special occasions. I’m a bit ashamed of my hands though. One of the symptoms I suffer from having anxiety is picking my cuticles. The skin around my nails is just awful. They’re always sore, red and sometimes a little bloody. Every time I get a professional manicure, the tech always has something to say about it.

It’s not something I can control very easily. A lot of times, I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I see blood. It’s embarassing and I hate how my fingers looks because of it, but I can’t just stop doing it.

I got engaged on July 4th of this year. My fiance gave me this BEAUTIFUL ring that I love wearing but I hesitate showing it off because of how gross my fingers are. My nails look amazing, my ring looks gorgeous, but my cuticles are red and irritated.

Planning a wedding is not easy. We struggle financially when we don’t have anything big to plan. Money is one of my main sources of anxiety. Losing sleep over bills, chest pains over paying for wedding vendors. Agonizing about food shopping. It sucks. Before I know it, I’m picking this shit out of my fingers and my fiance is telling me to stop. He always tries to get me to stop but it’s just not that simple.

Here are some pix of my hands. Fresh home manicure with my engagement ring and my shameful fingers. Peace

[linfas4]

[linfas4]

Thanksgiving

 Hello, friends. For anyone that follows me, I apologize for not posting as often as I used to. Life’s been crazy, mostly in a good way. Wedding planning, losing weight, working, getting ready for the holidays...life.

Today is my dad’s 75th birthday. You wouldn’t know it if you saw him. He could easily pass for late 50s early 60s. Both of my parents look decent for their ages. (My mom is 65). I guess that’s why I’m 35 but look 15. Anyway...I hate that my parents are getting older. People are living a lot longer than they used to, thanks to technology and medical advances, but I know they won’t live forever. I don’t know life without them and I really don’t want to. It terrifies me, to be honest.

A little story about my parents. My dad was 26 and my mom was 17 when they met. My dad had just returned home from Vietnam and my mom just graduated from high school. They had mutual friends and started talking. My dad was hesitant of getting into a relationship because he was married before he went to Vietnam. The horrible woman he was married to separated from him, called someone working for the draft to tell them he was living with his parents and he ended up being drafted. She was cheating on him with their landlord. While he was training somewhere in the south...Mississippi maybe...she called him saying she was sorry and wanted to work things out. He said ok but he was getting ready to be sent to Germany and couldn’t get out of it...thanks to her...so he asked her to wait. She said yes. Before Germany, my dad’s sergeant  said they were losing a lot of men in Vietnam and could use volunteers. Everyone in my dad’s platoon agreed to go together to help out. Right before he left, terrible woman told him she changed her mind and wanted to stay with the landlord. He went to Vietnam with that black cloud hanging over his head. She even sent him divorce papers while he was there. He was stuck there for 2 years thanks to that bitch. Fortunately, he came home in once piece and met my mom. They dated off and on for the next 6 years then decided to get married. They were married for 7 years before I was born. They didn’t want kids right away which is why there is such an age gap between us. It doesn’t stop me from having a close relationship with them. It does make me feel a little guilty for being 35 and not having children yet though. Oh well....it’s my life.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and enjoy your weekend!

[linfas4]

It’s Been a While

My apologies for anyone who reads my blogs. I’ve been at my new job for the last month and a half now. It’s going well so far. A lot busier than my previous job. My boss at the old place closed the shop and we were both hired by one of our vendors. I’ve been putting a lot of overtime in. As much as  I can since I have a wedding to pay for.

I’ve been so exhausted from the overtime. I’m not complaining about the money. I definitely need it and don’t mind working long hours. I have kind of fallen into an anti-social hole though. I just haven’t been up for hanging out with a lot of people. Certain people really, but any time I make plans, I end up trying to back out of them because I just want to stay home, sit on my couch and watch Hocus Pocus.

Anyway, I’ve also been avoiding specific friends because all they want to talk about is my wedding. I don’t mind talking about it with certain people. My family, fiance’s family, wedding party...people like that. However, a handful of people are really fucking annoying to talk to about it. I just can’t stand the unsolicited advice. I’ve really become resentful towards certain people because of it. I hate it so much and I feel bad, but I can’t help it. It really takes the joy out of planning my wedding. If someone brings it up that I don’t want to talk to, I will just say that I don’t want to talk about it because I’m tired of people meddling. I’m hoping they’ll get the hint but then there’s also the risk of it backfiring and they say “I’m just trying to help.” The only way they can help me is to stay the fuck out of my business.

My fiance’s sister stopped by tonight for a bit. She shared some family gossip with us. It kind of made me feel a little better about myself because it means NO ONE is fucking perfect. No matter how much you look down on someone, no matter how much you judge people...NO ONE is perfect. Everyone has their issues. Just remember...if you want to judge me...you can never make another mistake again. You must be perfect for the rest of your life. Not possible, you say? Then don’t fucking judge me.

Peace

[linfas4]

Anxious

Do you have any ticks when you’re anxious? Mine, is I pick at my cuticles. My fingers are so red and irritated. I’ve been so embarrassed to show off my engagement ring because people ALWAYS have to comment on how horrible my fingers look. Nothing I do can stop it. I’ve done it for YEARS and I can’t just turn it off. A lot of times I do it without even realizing it. My fiance always catches me and tries to hold my hand, or just tells me to stop. Sometimes when he catches me picking my fingers he’ll ask “What are you anxious about?” I just respond...what am I NOT anxious about?? Being anxious for me doesn’t have to be from one specific thing. I’m ALWAYS anxious, no matter what. Even if something exciting is in the works. I’m anxious that something will go wrong and ruin everything. I get anxious being around people because I’m afraid they’ll point out my quietness and humiliate me or I’ll say something stupid and dwell on it for weeks to come. I’m anxious from the moment I wake up in the morning until I fall asleep from exhaustion. It fucking sucks and I WISH I had an off switch for it, but I don’t.

What bothers me the most about anxiety is when people who don’t understand it say things like “just don’t think about it” “it’ll be ok!” “let me give you some advice...” “Get over it”- my FAVEEEE! >:( NOTHING you can say will help. I don’t need advice. If I do, I’ll ask, but until then, keep that shit to yourself. If it were SO easy to just “not think about it” I’d NEVER be anxious EVER.

Happy Thursday

[linfas4]

Punishment

Over the weekend I heard a story from my mom about myself that I didn’t remember. My brother, his wife and kids, my fiance and I were at my parents’ house for Labor Day lunch. School came up in conversation. A family were knew from the neighborhood had a 5 year old entering kindergarten at the school where I went for kindergarten. My mom wondered if the teacher I had was still there and I said probably not because it was 30 years ago and she was old when I had her. Anyway, my mom and I didn’t have anything nice to say about this teacher I had. I don’t remember much of kindergarten other than my teacher yelling at me a lot. She didn’t like that I was quiet so instead of talking to me in private about it, or talking to my parents, she would scream at me in front of the class. When she finally did talk to my mom about it my mom told her that “if she’s not comfortable with you she won’t talk to you. Sorry, but that’s just how she is.” A friend of mine from the neighborhood was also in my class. His dad and my mom would rotate driving us to school. On our way home from school one day, my friend told my mom that the teacher put me in the closet for not talking to her. My mom was out for blood at this point. She dropped off my friend then ran home to call the school. She set up a meeting with the principal to complain about the teacher. The principal actually tried to justify the teacher’s actions because she was used to working with 6th graders and dealing with their behavior. My mom of course lost her shit and said that I was only 5 years old and she had already talked to the teacher about my talking issues and that putting me in a fucking closet wasn’t the correct way to deal with kids. After that meeting my teacher was as sweet as could be towards me for the rest of the year.

Ever since I heard this story I couldn’t help but be angry about it. I am beyond angry at that teacher for treating me the way she did. I feel like the reason I have a hard time opening up to people is because of her. If she had been more patient with me and tried a different approach to get me to open up to her, maybe I wouldn’t be the bundle of anxiety I am today.

I know there’s nothing I can do about it now, 30 years later. I just will never understand why introverted quiet people always get such a bad rap.

Peace.

[linfas4]

Boss

If you have a job, chances are you have a boss. I’ve had a decent amount of jobs in the last 20 years. Most of these jobs, I worked for great bosses. A few of them however, not so much.

My first design job was awful. I loved what I was doing, but I HATED my supervisor. She was the devil. She would SCREAM at me any time I made a mistake and humiliate me in front of my coworkers. I was 20 years old my Associate Degree had just come out of the printer. I knew I would make mistakes, but I never expected to be treated like a piece of shit for doing so. This bitch even had the nerve to tell me that if I had left and got another job in the field that I wouldn’t last. Right in front of like 4 other people. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried like a baby. Later that day, another coworker came in and my supervisor was telling him how she was in a shitty mood that morning. She said something like “yeah, this morning was terrible, I was in such a bad mood...just ask Linda! haha!” I just made a disgusted face without even looking at her and she said “wow, I guess it wasn’t that funny.”

When a person is on the receiving end of your shitty, unprofessional attitude, no it’s NEVER funny. Screaming at your employees when they make an innocent mistake, in front of other people, is NEVER, EVER, EVER funny. How DARE you humiliate people. Not only are you making someone feel like absolute shit about themselves, but you’re also making other people who hear you uncomfortable. Who wants to work with/for someone who’s a fucking maniac and treats their staff like shit? Not I. A toxic work environment can really screw with people’s health. Mental and physical. I had constant headaches, nausea, tension in my back and neck, severe anxiety...all from one stupid bitch who couldn’t control her temper in the office.

I lasted about a year at that job. I was fed up about 6 months later. I just called up and quit. No notice. I didn’t feel like they deserved it. When you treat people like crap, you don’t deserve anything that will help you. NOTHING.

The job I had before my current job was awful as well. The owners were complete morons, especially the son. The father was hardly around because he lived in Florida, but when he was around, people were always anxious. Both of them were very condescending and horrible. The son was SO unorganized and would throw paper at me with random notes and expect me to know where they were supposed to be filed. When I didn’t, he’d yell at me. FUCK that bullshit. F U C K that! I left after 6 months. I gave them notice because there were a few people there that I liked and didn’t want to screw them. Once I put my notice in, the owners never spoke to me again. How dare I quit! Whatever.

If you’re a boss, don’t be a piece of shit and treat your employees like they’re worthless. If they really make an effort and genuinely feel bad about making mistakes, cut them some slack. Maybe they suffer from anxiety, maybe you’re overwhelming them with a lot of work but they’re too scared to say anything for fear of you thinking less of them. They’re HUMAN BEINGS. Please don’t forget that.

Peace.

[linfas4]

Fears

A woman I worked with at another job passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. We’ll call her K. She died the day after her 41st birthday. Her birthday was on a Thursday. Friday morning around 8:45am she posted on Facebook thanking everyone for the birthday wishes and how blessed she felt to have amazing people in her life. That was her last post.  Her fiance posted in the afternoon that she had passed away that morning. Most likely shortly after that post. I’ve heard a few different things...seizure, aneurysm...things like that...aside from that, she was healthy. I wasn’t super close with her. In fact, when we worked together we didn’t get along too well. I just didn’t fit in to the dynamic of the office and she didn’t understand. After I left that job she had messaged me a few months later asking if she was the reason I left and if so, she was sorry. We remained friendly after that on social media. From what I did know of her, she had no enemies and never said a bad word about anyone. She made friends anywhere she went. I was always envious of that because I am the complete opposite when it comes to meeting new people. If I had a few drinks I am a little more comfortable but for the most part, being friendly with strangers is hard for me. Anyway...The mother of my friend V passed away earlier this year. A few days after she passed and V had told everyone she needed to tell, I posted a picture of a champagne glass on Facebook in honor of V’s mom. K had never met V or V’s mom but left a sweet message of condolence for her. Any birthday post I would make about my parents, brother, fiance, niece, nephew...anyone...K would always leave a cute comment wishing them a happy birthday without even knowing them. She was just that genuinely nice.

Even though I wasn’t close to her, I still feel a bit of anger that she passed so young and so suddenly. She has a 13 year old daughter. I can’t imagine how lost she must feel right now. Losing your mother while turning into a young woman...I just can’t fathom it. K had a ton of Facebook friends who have made several posts about her. All wonderful things. It really makes me question the whole “everything happens for a reason” saying. What is the reason for a 13 year old losing mother? What is the reason for a man losing the love of his life?  What is the reason for so many people losing a great friend? What is the reason for her sudden, unexpected death? Maybe that reason isn’t known right now and won’t be known for many years to come...but I don’t get it. Personally, I feel that there are terrible people on this Earth that don’t belong here but will live long, full lives. Rapists, pedophiles, murders...They’re the ones that don’t belong. Not people like K. The world NEEDS more people like K. If the world was full of Ks it would be a happy world full of laughter, jokes, endless love and parties.

K’s passing has really opened my eyes to a lot. Not everyday is promised to everyone. It’s really been bothering me because I’m planning a wedding and having children shortly after. There is a voice in the back of my head that keeps saying...”well, maybe...” It’s been giving me a lot of anxiety and making it difficult to try and enjoy things. If K were still here she would probably say something like “tell that voice to shut the fuck up and do your thing!” I will do my absolute best, K....I promise to try my best. Rest in peace, friend.

[linfas4]

Road Rage

I really HATE shitty drivers. Like seriously HATE them. Driving is a privilege that way too many people take advantage of. This morning on my way to work I was behind a large tractor trailer carrying several new cars. We were both in the left turn lane and stopped at the red light. A car pulls up into the lane that leads straight and stops at the light. The light turns green and the fucking waste of oxygen driving the car in the lane next to us, cuts off the truck to make a left. It really made my blood boil.

I see the constantly turning onto my street when going home. It infuriates me because these pieces of shit have NO RIGHT to cut everyone off because they can’t be bothered waiting a few minutes at the red light. Who the fuck are you? Do you own the road? No? Then wait your turn like everyone else. You’re not special, you’re not an emergency vehicle that needs to assist someone in danger, so go fuck yourself and your impatient ways.

I just don’t understand why people think they can just do shit like this and think it’s ok. It’s really not. You could end up causing an accident and seriously hurting (or even killing) someone.

Another thing that pisses me off about shitty drivers is seeing them on their phones while driving. Why on EARTH would anyone be so stupid as to let themselves get distracted by technology while their driving? Driving a car takes a lot of concentration and paying attention to what’s happening around you. I NEVER use my phone while driving EVER. If someone calls me it comes through the bluetooth in my car. If someone texts me and they know I’m driving somewhere, they know they have to wait until I’m parked. It’s just not worth it to me to check my phone while driving. I know what my attention span is like and if I let myself get distracted by my phone it won’t end well at all.

I get seriously offended when I get in the car with someone who is on their phone while driving. I just want to say to them “wow, really? Whatever is on your phone is more important than my life?” It just really pisses me off. When you take in passengers you’re responsible for their safety. You need to use caution and pay attention to what you’re doing.

Speeding is another thing I don’t get. Speeders...you’re not impressing anyone AT ALL! Seriously...everyone is judging you because you’re too fucking careless to pay attention to the speed limit. you put SO many people’s lives at risk around you when you speed. I don’t care what kind of fancy schmancy car you have...obey the goddamn traffic laws.

I live on a fairly busy street. Our speed limit is 30mph. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to pull over a few houses away from mine to let assholes riding my bumper pass me so I can safely pull into my driveway. There are children that live on my street...2 that are very near and dear to my heart, and if some mother fucker with a need for speed does anything to hurt them, I’ll be in jail for murder....if their speeding doesn’t kill them first.

in 2013 my 2006 Chevy Cobalt was parked on the street in front of my parents’ house, where I was living at the time. It was a Saturday night and I was in my bedroom dozing off to Lifetime Movie Network. I was woken up by this God awful sound of metal on metal. I looked out my bedroom window and saw my car on our neighbor’s lawn. I started freaking out because I thought maybe my dad was moving my car into the driveway and either got hit by someone or had a heart attack and lost control of the car. Turns out, my dad was in bed and some drunk ass piece of shit was speeding down our street and slammed into my car. He hit it so hard it hit my neighbor’s car parked in front of their house. My mom was awake in the living room and called 911 immediately. The scumbag somehow managed to drive away but ended up getting caught shortly after because he left a trail of car parts all over the road. We all initially thought it was some underage kid with daddy’s car because the bumper was left behind and it was from a more expensive car. No, the idiot was SIXTY years old. He was born the same year as my mom and I just kept thinking my mother (or my father) would never do something so irresponsible at their ages. The only fortunate thing out of this was no one was hurt. The moron was alone in his car and my neighbors, my family and I were safe in our houses.

Moral of the story...slow the fuck down, put your phone away and be patient and there will be a lot less accidents!

[linfas4]

It seems...

...that a lot of people are suddenly, not only, expert wedding planners but also experts on my life and what I want. I cannot tell you how unbelievably  aggravated I’ve been over the last few weeks because of people shoving advice down my throat. I do not accept unsolicited advice so well. If I don’t ask for it, it means I don’t want it. I have a friend who just doesn’t seem to understand that. She keeps throwing advice at me and when I try to explain to her I know what I’m doing, she’ll talk over me and ignore whatever I’m saying just to hear herself talk. It’s really annoying because I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid but not if she’s going to be an asshole like this. I know if I try and say anything to her about backing off she’ll just try to make me feel bad. “I’m just trying to help”. The only way you can help me is to leave me the fuck alone and ONLY speak when I speak to you.

Her brother got married last year and she was a bridesmaid. She tried taking over the bacholerette party planning. The girl who was designated maid of honor had to contact her and tell her to back off. She was stepping on everyone’s toes trying to take over shit and everyone got annoyed. She’s going to pull the same shit with my wedding, I know it.

My best friend of 21 years will be my matron of honor. I am going to have to talk to her and let her know that the annoying advice giving friend will try to one up her. I plan on telling my MOH to put that bitch in her place if needed.

I’m just so pissed off at this whole thing. I feel like my intelligence is being underestimated by people who most likely couldn’t find their way out of a cardboard box.

Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can drop a bomb of unasked for advice onto someone who’s planning a wedding. You have no right to treat them like they’re stupid just because you’ve been through something they’re planning. This is why a lot of couple elope because of people like this who can’t keep their fucking mouths shut.

Keep any and all unsolicited advice TO YOURSELF and hold it in until the person ASKS YOU FOR IT. If they’re anything like me they will resent you and probably cut you off after the wedding...if they don’t end up doing before hand because they’re sick of your condescending way of giving unwanted advice. Just back the fuck off and stop ruining experiences for people! Peace out.

[linfas4]

Disturbed

I watched a movie last night with my fiance. A coworker of his recommended it. I think it was a Netflix exclusive or something. I forget the name of it, but I have no interest in looking it up because I was so disturbed by it. It’s about making people choose, would you rather do this or that? This being- stab the person to your right, that being- whip the person to your left. They have to do one or the other or they die. These people did all this for money. I know it was just a movie but it really shook me up. I had a hard time sleeping. I hate when shit from movies/TV stay with me like that. I can’t help but imaging myself in that situation and what I would have to choose. There is a scene that involves being held under water and I just gave up on the movie. I can’t handle watching people being strangled or held under water or having their breath stopped in some way. It really, really, bugs the shit out of me and gives me bad anxiety. Whoever made that movie should be punched in their sadistic, twisted, fucked up face.

Happy Hump Day.

[linfas4]

Unsolicited...

...advice. I believe I’ve wrote about this before, but it’s back. So as I posted last week I got engaged. My now fiance and I are so excited to start planning our wedding. We haven’t done too much just yet. Like I said, it only happened last week. Regardless...the last week has been filled with many, many, many unsolicited pieces of advice that I didn’t ask for AT ALL. A few friends said, “I’m here for you when you start planning!” “Let me know if you need help with anything!” All totally innocent comments that haven’t bothered me one bit. I’m grateful people are willing to be there for me. What has been annoying me is when people say “one piece of advice I’ll give you...” when I didn’t even ask for it. People were dropping advice on me like less than ONE DAY after we got engaged. It really annoyed me because, first and foremost, I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY ADVICE! Two...what worked for your wedding might not work for mine. If I ask, fine spill your best advice onto me. If I don’t, please just keep your mouth shut.

People who act like know-it-alls really annoy the shit out of me. Just because you’ve been married for so many years and I haven’t doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not stupid. I know what I have to do. These people will be the ones who will ruin the whole wedding experience for me, I know it. I’m going to try my best to not let them get to me but it’s really hard sometimes. Especially when people just HAVE to say SOMETHING ALL THE TIME. I DO NOT want to end up being a bridezilla. I will try my absolute best to remain calm but if someone pushes my buttons too much...I can’t make any promises.

Please don’t give advice unless it’s asked for. Some people have a specific way of doing things that works just fine for them. If they ask, go right ahead and give advice, but please...if you’re not asked...just keep your mouth shut.

Peace!

[linfas4]

Wow!

My boyfriend proposed to me last night on my 35th birthday under the brightest fireworks! It was magical and wonderful and I was totally surprised! I am still basking in the afterglow of everything that happened and how well everyone kept it a secret from me. My best friends knew and both of our families. We have not really talked about planning yet. He suggested a destination but I have to make sure my dad would be on board. He doesn’t like to travel and I obviously need him there. I know the rest of my family would go. We’ll see!

As excited and happy I am with all of this, my anxiety is trying to get the best of me and trying to convince me something terrible is going to happen. A death, a horrible accident...I wish I could just shut my brain the fuck down and just let happiness take over! I am so excited to be planning my wedding...something I never thought I’d ever get to do considering how previous relationships had panned out...I just wish I could get through it without my anxiety being an asshole. I really hope that getting through all of this will be simple and fun.

When my best friend got married in 2015, planning her wedding was such a blast! Her bridal party was made up the most incredible ladies ever who all meshed so well together. We had a ton of fun planning surprises to the bride and groom. The bachelorette party went off without a hitch! I’ve prayed that when my time comes that everything goes as smoothly. I hope everyone gets a long and just comes together to help us plan the best day of our lives! I hope that everyone I want/need to be there will be there without an issues. I just want it to be perfect!!!!

Hope everyone had a great 4th!!!

[linfas4]

Toxicity

A lot of us have been stuck in toxic relationships. If you haven’t, I envy you. When people hear about toxic relationships, a lot of them automatically assume those to be romantic relationships. This morning I was reading an article about toxic friendships and how some people ended them.

Trying to let go of someone who is a best friend is tough. I’ve had quite a few toxic friendships end. Most of them ended dramatically, unfortunately. I had a BFF, we’ll call her A, many years ago. We went to art school together. She was a semester ahead of me but our program was small so the classes all knew each other. We weren’t close in school, but after we both graduated we ended up working together. We didn’t get to talk too much and after I had been there for a few months, she left. We kept in touch on Myspace (this is how long ago this happened). My 21st birthday was approaching and we made plans to hang out. We became close after that and our friendship blossomed. She was my go-to whenever I had any problems, she always had my back when other friends turned against me, she was my person. in 2006-2007 we both had shitty jobs. We would text each other all day about how much we hated our jobs. In June 2007, she got an interview for a position in our field of study. I drove her to the interview because she didn’t have her license yet. The people she interviewed with told her they were looking to hire more than one designer so if she knew anyone please recommend them. She told them I was also a designer and I got an interview as well. We both ended up getting the job. For a while it was AWESOME working together. After about a year, our bosses promoted us both to assistant managers and this is where things started getting rocky. Everything turned into a competition with her. It was like she was trying to prove she was a better manager than me. I think bosses realized it and ignored it. It started having a negative impact on our friendship outside of work.

I found myself constantly overthinking anything I had to say to her because any time I said something that would upset her, she wouldn’t react to it until months later. By then I had forgotten whatever it was I had said or done. I could tell when she was upset with me. She would write a nasty entry in her Livejournal, or post something on Facebook. They were always vague but I KNEW they were about me. Each time she did this I’d have to go running to her asking what was wrong. I told her I knew her posts were about me because she would treat me like shit to my face or completely ignore me. Whenever I asked her what was wrong she would say “well you said this” “you did that and it upset me”. Some of whatever upset I remember doing or saying but months had passed. I told her first and foremost, I would NEVER intentionally say or do anything to upset her on purpose, and asked why she didn’t say anything when it first happened? She would say that she doesn’t like confrontation and just forgot about it until something made her remember it. I told her to PLEASE just talk to me. I didn’t care how she did it, email, phone call, face to face, whatever she was comfortable with. I don’t like confrontation either but when there’s an issue that needs to be addressed, it’s better to get it over with instead of dragging it out. This went on for about a year or 2. I got really fed up with it in 2010.

Somewhere around November, she stopped talking to me altogether. She would post really nasty shit on Facebook and mutual friends of ours would ask me what’s going on? At first I had no idea because, I’M NOT A FUCKING MIND READER, so I would check her Facebook and read her posts. I told our mutual friends that her posts were most likely about me because she gets mad at me for dumb shit that I said or did months ago. I was tired of chasing after her. I told her NUMEROUS times to talk to me if she was upset with me and she never did. She continued her childish behavior so I cut her off. Even though we worked together, it was still possible. I blocked her on all social media accounts. She thinks I did it because, in her mind, she’s right and I’m wrong and I don’t want to admit it so I blocked her. in REALITY, I blocked her because I got sick of seeing her nasty, immature, childish posts about hating someone while I’m sitting 7 fucking feet away from her. If she can’t grow a set and tell me shit to my face, I don’t want to see it on Facebook. I told our mutual friends I blocked her and to stop telling me what she posts. If she wants me to know so bad she can tell me to my face. She NEVER did. She would just act like a complete asshole at work. Coming in late, leaving early, calling out a lot. Bosses finally got fed up with it and fired her. I didn’t find out right away because I ended up getting a stomach bug. I had left early the day they let her go and ended up staying home the next day. The day after that I came back and saw that any sign of her presence was gone. My supervisor told me what happened and asked how I felt about it. I said I was fine with it and told him how she had been acting towards me during and outside of work. We haven’t spoken in 8 years.

After she left it was like a black cloud was lifted from the office. The other designers started talking to each other more and having more fun. She just sucked the life out of that place with her negativity and immature behavior.

A part of me misses her because we had a ton of fun together. Working together really ruined out friendship though. There’s a reason you can’t really mix business with pleasure.

I occasionally hear from mutual friends that she will still make stupid posts about old shit. Like, why though? Why keep digging up old bullshit? What are you trying to prove? That after 8 years you’re STILL an asshole? I don’t get it and never will. It’s not like I can see any of her shit anyway. She’s still blocked.

I just don’t understand why people insist on being horrible on purpose to people. If someone says something to upset you, just talk to them. 9 times out of 10 it’s unintentional. Anything I said or did that upset her was NEVER on purpose. She knew it but still would get mad at me....months later.

Oh, and if someone asks you if you’re mad at them and you LIE and say no, the situation becomes null and void. You have no right getting upset about it later on. You have no right to be an asshole to that person after you LIED to them. You were asked if you were upset, you LIED and said no, now you have to move on and forget about it. If you’re not ready to talk about it, just say so. If whatever upset you was not done intentionally, the person you’re mad at will understand. Just be an adult about it.

Peace out!

[linfas4]

Jobs

We all need em. It’s how we earn our income to support ourselves. Some people are lucky and find a job that they just love. Others get stuck with jobs they hate but feel they can’t leave for whatever reason. Money, location, benefits, etc. I like my job. I’m not head over heels for it, but I do enjoy it most of the time. It’s just my boss and me. I don’t have any other coworkers which is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I get lonely but at least I don’t have to work with someone who’s annoying or horrible.

My first job at 16 was actually a government job. The IRS set up a program to hire high school kids. It was a SWEET data entry job, but thanks to technology, that position is now obsolete. I liked that job because I got to work with other kids my age, it was super close to home (walking distance) and I didn’t have to deal with the public! I’m not a people person in any way shape or form. I hate crowds. They give me so much anxiety.

After I was laid off from my IRS job, I started working at K-mart with some friends. GOD, I hated it. When people come into a store to shop they turn into the worst kind of idiots imaginable. They treat the employees like absolute shit when they don’t get their way. “The customer is always right” is a fucking terrible term and whoever thought that up needs to be punched in the face. I really feel that everyone, at some point in their lives, should be required to work a retail job for at least 6 months to a year, just to see how it feels to be treated like shit by customers. I really think that if that happened, the psycho customers would calm the fuck down.

My last retail job was 15 years ago. I worked at CompUSA for about 8 months. My coworkers were cool and all but the management was made up of complete idiots. My supervisor was a douche and I hated him. He was very condescending and a huge piece of shit. He got annoyed with me because I got sick for a week and called out. He was like “Well, what do you have?” I told him I had a the flu. He was like “The flu doesn’t last a week”. I told him I caught it from my brother who had it for a MONTH and he also ended up getting MONO. I told him I had a doctor’s note that I’m not allowed to work. He was SUCH a dick about it. I came in after feeling better and slammed the note on his desk, stared at him and walked out.

Towards the end of my time there, a customer came into to complain about something, I ended the conversation with “I’m sorry about that” and he looked me dead in the eye and said “no you’re not”. I just glared at him biting my tongue from telling him off. Who the fuck are you to tell me how I feel??? What customers fail to realize is that retail employees are HUMAN BEINGS just like them and the need to be treated as such. I quit a few weeks later with barely any notice. I didn’t care. That’s what happens when you’re treated like shit.

I also tried waitressing....that literally lasted a week. The customers were SO incredibly horrible and I couldn’t stand it. I quit after one week. 7 days.

Don’t treat retail employees like shit. If they’re doing their best to help you with something, give them the respect they deserve. Don’t look down on them because they work in a store. If it weren’t for them you wouldn’t be able to go shopping! Just remember that! Peace out.

[linfas4]

No means NO!

On Facebook, I belong to this travel group for women. It’s women from all over the world who love to travel and post pictures of places they’ve been or want to go. It’s a lovely group of girls. Every so often one of them will share a story of being assaulted by men. Yesterday I read one that really has been bugging me. This woman was staying at a hostel in Europe somewhere, I can’t remember which country. She had a long day of walking around the city, seeing the sites and when she returned to her hostel, she was looking forward to relaxing for the evening. She walked into the room and there were 2 young men. They saw her an immediately both tried to put the moves on her. One could see she wasn’t interested and backed off. The other guy, kept persisting though. Her bed was on a top bunk. She climbed into bed to do some reading and the guy climbed up after her pretty much trapping her. He asked for her phone number so she gave him a fake number. He immediately called it and realized it was fake. She reluctantly gave him her real number just to get him to leave her alone. He eventually let her be but, WHAT THE FUCK!?

I don’t understand why people can’t just accept NO and move on. Years ago, I met this guy at a bar that I wasn’t really interested in. I had just gotten the new iPhone 4s. The dude was like, “is that the new iPhone? Can I see it?” I gave it to him and called his phone so he had my number and added his number into my phone. I had a few drinks so it didn’t really bother me at first. He gave me my phone back and I left with my friends. A few days later he sent me a text trying to hang out. I kept telling him I wasn’t really interested. He said to me “if you’re not interested then why did you give me your number?” ........I told him what he did with taking my phone and putting his number in it. He didn’t respond.

Another time I was out at a bar (I know, I know...these stories took place in my early-mid 20s) and a dude started talking to me. He was sweet but I wasn’t interested. He asked to hang out I said no thanks. He said ok and walked away. I thought, “wow, that was easy” and respected his maturity. A little while later he came back over to me and asks “so do you have a boyfriend? Is that why you don’t want to hang out?” I told him I didn’t have a boyfriend, I was single at the time, just not looking. He then asks “So are you a lesbian?” Really, dude, REALLY?! Just because a single woman isn’t interested in you doesn’t make her a lesbian.

I just don’t understand why people can’t handle rejection. If someone politely declines your offer to hang out or gives a simple NO when asking for their phone number, why can’t you just accept it and walk away?

Before I met my boyfriend I was on a few dating sites. A guy messaged me late one night. I didn’t reply right away because it was late so I planned on responding in the morning. Well he must have seen that I read his message without replying and sent another message calling me a fat bitch.

Do you really think that insulting someone because they don’t respond right away will make them fall in love with you? Why do you assume that a person has same sex tendencies just because they’re single and not interested in you? You do know you’re not God’s gift to the opposite sex, right? If you put your phone number in my phone without my consent, why do you get defensive when I say I’m not interested later on? Why do you insist on creeping on someone and scare them into giving you their contact info and think it’s ok? Why can’t people take NO for an answer????? I just don’t get it!

If you do any of these things, just stop. You’re not impressing anyone, you’re not going to make someone fall in love with you by being a fucking creep. If someone tells you NO...then walk the fuck away!

Peace.