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I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

by Baek Se-Hee

General information

Edition:

Translated by Anton Hur in 2022 under Bloomsbury Publishing.

Author:

Born in 1990, Baek Se-hee studied creative writing in university before working for five years at a publishing house. For ten years, she received psychiatric treatment for dysthymia (persistent mild depression), which became the subject of her essays, and then I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki, books one and two. Her favorite food is tteokbokki, and she lives with her rescue dog Jaram. (excerpt from bloomsbury.com)

Synopsis (via goodreads):

PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you? ME: I don’t know, I’m—what’s the word—depressed? Do I have to go into detail? Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her—what to call it?—depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgmental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a yen for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like? Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a 12-week period, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions, and harmful behaviors that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. It will appeal to anyone who has ever felt alone or unjustified in their everyday despair.

Page Count:

192 pages (eBook-version).

Trigger warnings:

Depression, co-dependency, alcoholism, obesity (?), South-Korean conservative thinking.

Initial thoughts post-read (spoilers ahead):

First off, I need to preface some points:

I did not choose this book based on any recommendations from websites, bookshops, or fellow readers.

I did not check any reviews while reading and only after I was done, did I open them on this particular book (and was surprised at the negative reviews).

The book did not give me a new outlook on life; it just recounted the things I have been working on or seeing other people struggle with.

Okay, now to the actual review:

What a refreshing way of discussing therapy as a concept and how it feels to be inside an office, talking about whatever is troubling you. Being a patient myself, I had to smile sometimes, seeing as I related to some passages and was reminded of what my therapist had advised me on.

That being said, I couldn't relate much to our narrator. Her problems and what she was working through differ strongly from what my woes are, but I did catch myself sometimes being surprised at how accurate to mine they were: love being conditional, the difference between financial and mental independence, the need to "become a robot," an idealized version of oneself that seems unattainable, to name a few. It's definitely not in the same way, but it was similar enough that I kept thinking, "So I am not alone in this, huh?" It was comforting.

So then why do people see this book so critically? My guess is that people expected the créme de la créme - a proper self-help book, a book to end depression, a book to help someone get out of it and not needing to go to therapy, perhaps. But let me tell you one thing: it is never that easy. You'd have to be naive to think this would in any way substitute going to therapy, let alone help you "get rid of mental illness." How people were unproductively comparing themselves with the narrator's problems, because they themselves are going through mental struggles as well, was honestly just laughable. Just as every flower head is different, every brain is different. You can't just make one assumption and expect everyone to feel the same way about it. The author never signaled that her problems were comparable with someone who is going through forceful suicidal thoughts. But her self-hatred and self-deprecation were serious, and in my opinion warranted the medication. Just because she made the steps other people are afraid to take, doesn't mean you get to belittle other people's mental illness and compare it to your own in such a toxic manner. Just my two cents.

All in all, I did think about some people I would recommend this to. But since I am not close enough to warrant it as a recommendation to these people, I'll just leave this review here for others to see and become interested on their own.

Quotes:

I think you tend to focus too much on your ideals and pressure yourself by thinking 'I have to be this kind of person!' Even when those ideals are, in fact, taken from someone else and not from your own thoughts and experiences.

I'd like you not to give too much credit to what people say about you. The moment you set out to be more empathic is the moment it becomes a chore. That would result in your empathy decreasing, if anything.

But the idea that I'm actually normal is somehow even more weird to me. It makes me think I'm just being full of myself.

If you have unrealistically high standards, you will forever be creating reasons to see yourself as inadequat, as someone who needs endless improvement.

I'm usually so tense during interactions that I have trouble remembering what was said.

You've backed yourself into a corner and made yourself choose between black or white. Whether to see a person or not, whether to be best friends with them or never speak to them again. You either lash out or endure. The only choices you have are yes and no, and there is no middle ground.

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A Cup of Sake Beneath the Cherry Trees

By Yoshida Kenko

General Information

Edition:

Translated by Meredith McKinney under Pinguin Books as a Pinguin Classics.

"Selection taken from Essays in Idleness (Tsurezuregusa), which was probably written around 1329-31."

Author:

Urabe Kenkō, also known as Yoshida Kenkō, or simply Kenkō, was a Japanese author and Buddhist monk. He was allegedly born in 1283 and died in 1352 in Japan. His most famous work is Tsurezuregusa, one of the most studied works of medieval Japanese literature.

Short Synopsis (via goodreads):

'It is a most wonderful comfort to sit alone beneath a lamp, book spread before you, and commune with someone from the past whom you have never met...' Moonlight, sake, spring blossom, idle moments, a woman's hair - these exquisite reflections on life's fleeting pleasures by a thirteenth-century Japanese monk are delicately attuned to nature and the senses.

Page count:

51 paper pages.

Trigger warnings:

Misogyny, alcohol consumption, social anxiety.

Initial thoughts post-read:

This work serves as a powerful reminder that not all creations of a writer necessitate publication. Were they the next Sokratis or Plato? Certainly not, and Kenko himself knew it. He explicitly stated that these writings were intended solely for his own consumption. So why, then, override his wishes and publish them? While certain passages may spark conversation, do they offer a singular thought that could only be derived from his mind? Doubtful.

You'll find some solid life advice here and the thoughts of someone who's had the luxury to really mull over life's big questions through deep introspection. Yet, beyond that, there appears to be little else. The text reflects the contemplations of someone who has had the time and privilege to ponder the essence of their existence. But is there profundity here beyond personal reflection? It's hard to say. This text is more about personal reflection than groundbreaking insight.

Quotes:

[...] but such a friend is hard to find, and instead you sit there doing your best to fit in with whatever the other is saying, feeling deeply alone. (page 7)

After all, things thought but left unsaid only fester inside you. So, I let my brush run on like this for my own foolish solace; these pages deserve to be torn up and discarded, after all, and are not something others will ever see. (page 10)

We long to leave a name for our exceptional wisdom and sensibility - but when you really think about it, desire for a good reputation is merely revelling in the praise of others. (page 16)

In general, I find that reasonably sensitive and intelligent people will pass their whole life without taking the step they know they should. (page 19)

'A beginner should not hold two arrows,' his teacher told him. 'You will be careless with the first, knowing you have a second. You must always be determined to hit the target with the single arrow you shoot, and have no thought beyond this.' (page 25)

It is because they have no fear of death that people fail to enjoy life - no, not that they don't fear it, but rather they forget its nearness. (page 26)

'While he's up there among the trecherous branches I need not say a word - his fear is enough to guide him. It's in the easy places that mistakes will always occur.' (page 28)

There is so much talking when people get together. It is exhausting, disturbs the peace of mind and wastes time better spent on other things. (page 39)

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The Setting Sun

By Osamu Dazai

A review that may certainly contain spoilers.

General Information:

Edition:

Translated by Donald Keene from A New Direction Books in e-Book-format.

Author:

Shūji Tsushima, known by his pen name Osamu Dazai, was a Japanese novelist and author. He was bron on 19 June 1909 and died on 13 June 1948. A number of his most popular works, such as The Setting Sun and No Longer Human, are considered modern-day classics.

Short Synopsis (via goodreads):

"The post-war period in Japan was one of immense social change as Japanese society adjusted to the shock of defeat and to the occupation of Japan by American forces and their allies. Osamu Dazai’s The Setting Sun takes this milieu as its background to tell the story of the decline of a minor aristocratic family.

The story is told through the eyes of Kazuko, the unmarried daughter of a widowed aristocrat. Her search for self meaning in a society devoid of use for her forms the crux of Dazai’s novel. It is a sad story, and structurally is a novel very much within the confines of the Japanese take on the novel in a way reminiscent of authors such as Nobel Prize winner Yasunari Kawabata – the social interactions are peripheral and understated, nuances must be drawn, and for readers more used to Western novelistic forms this comes across as being rather wishy-washy.

Kazuko’s mother falls ill, and due to their financial circumstances they are forced to take a cottage in the countryside. Her brother, who became addicted to opium during the war is missing. When he returns, Kazuko attempts to form a liaison with the novelist Uehara. This romantic displacement only furthers to deepen her alienation from society."

Page count:

175 paper pages.

Trigger warnings:

Mention of suicide, death, sickness, alcoholism, prostitution, affairs.

Initial thoughts post-read:

What an unsettling book indeed.

Reading it was an experience that stirred a mix of emotions. From the start, it unsettled and even frustrated me, yet I found myself unable to put it down. I was consumed by a need to understand the fate of the narrator, to understand her journey on a deeper level and not just take it on a surface level.

The loss of the narrator's mother, compounded by her brother's drug and alcohol addiction as well as his eventual tragic suicide, struck a chord within me. Despite the overwhelming grief, there was a sense of pride that she didn't succumb to the same fate. I couldn't help but wonder if it was the lack of maternal love that drove her to seek comfort in physicality rather than emotions. Was that why she only understood herself to be worthy once she had lain with her brother’s sensei?

I'll admit, I approached the book with reservations, expecting to dislike its unsettling themes. Yet, as I delved into the story, I found myself drawn to Kazuko in ways I didn't anticipate. Her struggles resonated with me on a personal level. I suppose that’s why I cannot hate the book for what it represents and for what it did to her as a narrator. Kazuko's story has left an indelible mark on my heart.

Quotes:

I asked with a little smile, "Doesn't it make any difference to you that I don't love you?" He answered seriously, "It doesn't matter for a woman. A woman can be vague." - "But a woman like myself cannot think of a marriage without love. I am fully grown. Next year I will be thirty." I was taken aback at my own words.

All men are alike. - I wondered if that might be a philosophy. I don't believe that the person who first thought up this extraordinary expression was a religious man or a philosopher or an artist. The expression assuredly oozed forth from some public bar like a grub, without anyone's having pronounced it, an expression fated to overturn the whole world and render it repulsive.

I wonder if we are to blame, after all. Is it our fault that we were born aristocrats? Merely because we were born in such a family, we are condemned to spend our whole lives in humiliation, apologies, and abasement, like so many Jews. I should have died sooner. But there was one thing: Mama's love. When I thought of that I couldn't die.

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Julien Baker, Loss Protocol

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– Audrey Hepburn

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