landminegirl-blog

[landminegirl-blog]

[landminegirl-blog]

? I realized I had been molested by my neice when I was a kid about a year ago, and ever since then my anxiety has increased, i’ve become sex repulsed, and hate to be touched, which seems normal for COCSA victims, but sometimes I feel like i’m lying to myself, because I only just figured it out and just ‘want to be apart of the club’, is this normal, or am I actually just bulls*itting myself?

Hey!

Here are our stance and understanding of if you can fabricate memories/make up abuse or if your lying. 

From Our FAQ:

Are My Memories Fake/? Am I Making This up?/Do I Have False Memories?

Completely fabricated memories are extremely rare. The idea that people just make up CSA and abuse memories all the time is a lie. The idea of fake memories of abuse comes from a fake memory panic and “social contagion” model of talking about DID/OSDD and repressed abuse memories. They started saying people were lying, confused, or that there was an epidemic of therapists creating memories. It was a huge hoopla made out of a few real therapists abusing patients and riding the fallout of the Sybil.

The False Memory Syndrome Foundation is one of the main people pushing this idea their supporters of the concept that memories of child abuse can be entirely fabricated, largely consist of people accused of child abuse. The FMSF was started to discredit a daughter’s accusation of sexual assault. Denouncing memories of abuse as false memories is largely popularized by abusers.

None of this addressed mental health care providers abusing people, or why there are so many people who might have experienced abuse. All it has done is make it easier to put doubt on abuse survivors and it also had a role in forming the “teach the controversy” way of talking about DID and repressed memories.

Distorted memories do happen and confused memories happen but completely fake ones are extremely, extremely rare. Feelings of faking/lying also comes from the fact abusers are not always believed in general and accepting trauma happened in general is hard. The fact that memories can be hard to work through in general can make it hard to understand our own experience even when surrounded by supportive people.

Now flashbacks & body memories can’t be fabricated as the way trauma is processed isn’t the way other memories are processed. Flashbacks can be confused or hard to work out what is going one or get things out of order, but they aren’t just made up wholesale.

So, I highly doubt your just confused or your memories are fake.

More information on the topic of repressed and fabricated memories

Am I Making This up/Lying About Abuse?

Like I said in the above answer completely fabricated memories are extremely rare. And unless you actively decide to fake being abused, you would know if you are doing that, then no you aren’t lying.

This Article talks about memories not feeling real and how trauma changes the brain. 

A word about Remembering abuse later in life

Hope some of this helps,

-Admin 1

[landminegirl-blog]

Dissociation things that happen to me

Realising that I actually dissociate quite a lot is weird.

Speaking and as soon as I’ve said it I can’t remember what I said. Or people telling me I’ve said something and I have no memory of saying it, or I think (like adamantly) that I’ve told someone something and they’ll be like…you never told me that.

I lose the plot of a conversation that I am a part of and I have to sometimes ask what we’re talking about.

Things that would normally scare me don’t at times and I’ll be standing there with no feeling but numbness and I’ll literally say “Wow that would normally scare me..”

When I was younger I literally remember crossing a road on my way to school and walking up a road and suddenly looking back and having NO memory of ever walking there or walking across the road. I remember kind of feeling scared about it too.

Feeling like my body is fake and slightly off/doesn’t feel like mine. Looking at my arms and they don’t really look like mine. I’m aware it’s mine because I can see it’s connected to me but it doesn’t seem like mine.

I get this feeling that my body is out of proportion and that my fingers are too big and they’re changing and objects feel weird and tangible. This one is really hard to explain.. 

Not knowing whether I’ve been sleeping or if I’ve just been blanking out hard. There have been times where I’ll be laying down in bed and I’m not sure if I blanked out or fell asleep although it doesn’t feel like I had been sleeping it just felt like I blanked out. When that happens I’ll be laying down and my eyes are open but all of a sudden it’s like I can see? It’s really weird.

Sometimes I’ll be really sad or crying and it’s like my emotions get cut off and I don’t feel anything. I’ll literally just stop crying suddenly.

I get this feeling that I’m floating and my body is high up and kind of spinning. My head will be spinning and my body kind of feeling like it’s on a roller coaster. 

Sometimes my body feels like it’s going in slow motion but everything else is happening the same or it feels like the world and time is in slow motion and only I’m going at the right pace.

Sometimes places seem so unfamiliar and off and it’ll be looking outside my window and it doesn’t seem familiar although I’m aware I’m looking outside my window. OR I’ll feel like I’ve been to a place but that I have no memory of going to. It seems weirdly familiar although I’m not sure why

Sometimes I don’t feel connected with my body.

[landminegirl-blog]

someone: ‘are you angry with me’  me, dissociated as h*ck: ‘no. well. part of me is angry with you, but then another part of me just feels sad but then I’m not really feeling anything at all and another part kind of feels guilty but then no honestly I’m fine but really I just- no, I don’t know’ 

[landminegirl-blog]

I feel like I have to state this once a month, but it’s really uncool how often people jokingly use the word “triggered.” 

[landminegirl-blog]

Dating Issues

We might have a problem. I’ve caught feelings for my best friend. The thing is we are already dating someone else and the rest of the system doesn’t share my feelings for our friend. It’s not fun. Not to mention she is interested in someone else. They don’t like her back unfortunately, but she’s interested in them. So yeah.. kinda like a love triangle except it’s not closed ya know?

~Ariel

[landminegirl-blog]

Rose 🌹

I discovered a new alter while dreaming last night. She’s only 8 years old though. Another little. Her name is Rose and she has a very intense fear of adult males. That’s really all I could figure out from the dream. I don’t think she meant to introduce herself but she was dreaming while I was co-conscious. I hope to see her again soon.

-Ally

[landminegirl-blog]

💕 Appreciation Post 💕

I just wanted to say happy birthday to our good friend @theeunoiasystem 💕 Their system is so kind and lovely to talk to and I hope they have a great day! That’s all! Lol thank you for listening I just love spreading love.

~Ariel! 💕💜

[landminegirl-blog]

Normalize apologizing to children.

[landminegirl-blog]

[landminegirl-blog]

me: wants to be hugged and held, is totally touch starved and needs to be cuddled

also me: allows only a very limited number of people to touch me at all, let alone in a slightly intimate way. barely ever allows myself to show emotional weakness around people. gets anxious when someone hugs me for too long.

[landminegirl-blog]

[landminegirl-blog]

hey fellow HOSTS you ever wonder who THE FUCK you actually are???? what the FCUK you even like? where YOU end and your alters/parts begin? like am I, MYSELF feeling this emotion or is it an intrusion? do i want to do this activity or is it passive influence?

have i been here all day? was that me being so upset this morning? i feel fine. but i wasn’t. and i’m still not? but i am??

i hate all of this

[landminegirl-blog]

DID/OSDD Friend

I wish we had someone to talk to and be ourselves with. Even with our friends we all pretend to be the host when we switch. Having someone that understands we are separate people would be lovely. If anyone out there would wanna chat, DID/OSDD system or just someone who understands it, feel free to message me anytime, we will automatically be best friends.

- Ally (Co-Fronting with Ariel)

[landminegirl-blog]

Some fun things about PTSD from childhood trauma

I can’t remember being a kid. Not even in the sense of not getting to be a kid (which I couldn’t be) but also literally. I am literally missing months to years of my childhood and all I have left are basic facts and the sense that there’s a reason I don’t want remember any of it.

Honestly? Sometimes I wish I had worse. I feel like I’m not justified in being traumatized, that whatever happened just wasn’t bad enough. It brings me down into a spiral of self hate because I feel like I’m being too dramatic for something that could have been worse

It’s still so wild to learn that my childhood was far from normal. I’m still learning what was abuse and what was considered normal parenting, and it’s such a hard thing for me to have to learn.

I’m so damn angry at the adults in my past who did nothing to help me. There were so many people who knew of the situation I was in, and it didn’t seem to occur to anyone that maybe I needed help. I’m still angry to this day for all the kids who were in the same situation I was in, with adults watching idly and doing nothing to help.

I liked school. A lot. And I was good at it because that was the only thing I had. Each day I was excited to go to school because I wouldn’t have to be at home and I was called a weirdo for it. I excelled at school because I had nothing else to focus my brain power towards and it was the only thing my parents would pay any attention to, and even then the novelty of that wore off eventually.

I still can’t tell authority figures what went on in that house. I’m terrified to because it was so heavily emphasized when I was younger that that was the worst thing I could ever do. If I told anyone what was going on, I was just going to ruin my family and be given away to people who hated me in return.

But really the worst part of this is that nothing was ever done, and nothing will ever be done. I wasn’t listened to and looked after when I needed it most, and now I’m too old for anyone to care. I was tossed away just like all the other abused kids out there, and so many people turned a blind eye and still refuse to look.

[landminegirl-blog]

Me: what I went through wasn’t that bad, I’m pretty sure it can’t even be considered traumatic

Me: *has a vivid nightmare in which I relive the situation*

Me: *wakes up feeling disoriented & exhausted, as if I just came out of battle with my subconscious*

Me:

[landminegirl-blog]

“Why do you beat yourself up so much over little mistakes?”