lamotriginerash

[lamotriginerash]

Needless to say my family has gotten worse since the election.

I have a large extended family, they’re all withing a few miles of me, and they’re all white supremacists. One is a full-blown Nazi. Needless to say that, and my whole wanting to convert to Judaism thing, kinda creates some tension.

It’s like the walls are closing in. I have no money, no support, and no way out. I’m dreading a second lock down.

This is going to end with me either killing myself or becoming homeless.

I’m waiting to hear back from Social Security, but that’s probably not going to lead to anything. My parents will take half of any money I get, anyway, just like they were doing when I was still working.

But, hey, I’ll probably be dead from covid soon because my family are deniers.

That’s something to look forward to, I guess.

[lamotriginerash]

I might just put myself in the hospital. I already feel like I'm in prison, so a hospital wouldn't really be any different.

[lamotriginerash]

Meds haven't been working right ever since I started back on birth control. I didn't even finish the whole pack and I still feel fucked up.

I'm pissed I wasn't given the pill I requested. It's the one I'd been taking for almost 5 years, and the one I know doesn't mess me up, but because it increases my risk of stroke (thanks again Zoloft for the weight gain!), I was given Lutera. Lutera has levonorgestrel, which is the same hormone that's in Mirena. So it's no wonder I'm fucked up again.

Besides destroying what little progress I'd made with my mental health, it also caused me to gain the weight I'd lost, and it made me break out even worse. It also gave me heart palpitations that still keep coming back. Mirena did the same thing.

Just give me the fucking pill I ask for next time.

[lamotriginerash]

Wrote a long post and it got eaten.

Awesome.

[lamotriginerash]

Sorry I've been absent. I've kinda lost interest in social media (all platforms, not just Tumblr). It's become very boring to me and has been a source of a lot of frustration and stress over the years. It's also an all too convenient way to humiliate yourself during an episode. Not that I'd know anything about that... 😳

Getting rid of Facebook two years ago was one of the best things I've done for my brain in a long time. Avoiding Tumblr more and more (at least my dash) over the past few months has also been good for my mental health. It's not even something I'm consciously doing, I've just stopped giving a fuck. I'm wondering if it's because lithium (which I've FINALLY been taking consistently because this new doc actually gives me enough pills!) has chilled me the fuck out.

I'm not ditching this place or anything. I just won't be checking in super often. So, if I don't get back to your messages for a while, this is why. If you're in crisis, please go to the hospital instead of messaging me. I know that's scary, and I know I've written a million times here about how much I'm terrified of hospitalization but, in a crisis, checking yourself in is still the best thing you can do. I'm not a professional, and it's best to talk to someone who is.

Anyway, see y'all later.✌🏻

[lamotriginerash]

I feel so hopeless. My life has been the same all through my teen, twenties, and now going into my 30s. I've accomplished nothing. I have none of the skills I've always wanted and would've been good at by now if someone had just broken me out of this rut way back when I was a kid.

I want to go back and fix everything but I can't, and that destroys me.

I dated a guitar teacher for 5 years and still never learned. If he had been someone less horrible, that would've actually worked out. I've wanted to play since I was 13. If I'd stuck with lessons, I'd have been playing for 10 by years now. I should've started playing 6 years ago when I ended up with a really good guitar by accident. Why didn't I? I still have that guitar so why won't I learn to play? That was the plan for when I moved.

I've wanted to sing my whole life, but I still haven't. I've wanted to play piano, but still nothing.

I used to write poetry, but now I can't.

I still want to go to school, but I just can't get myself through the whole process to get started. I feel so fucking overwhelmed by everything.

Why do I just do nothing every day? Why am I letting myself fall even further behind? Why can't I get control over anything in my life?

I was saying all of this this time last year and yet I'm still here. Nothing's changed. Therapy did nothing but make me feel worse about it. I'd kill for someone to come along and just help me start things, but that's not going to happen.

My whole life is slipping away and I feel helpless.

[lamotriginerash]

I'm thinking that maybe Adderall could be to blame for me ending up messed up and in what is basically a mixed episode.

I was doing fine with it for a few days, then my period started/I started the pill. I thought it could've been the Adderall because I was taking it while on less Lamictal than I was on before, but so many other things happened all at once, and my hormones have been fucked up for months, I don't know what's going on with me anymore.

But I'm putting the pill on hold for a while anyway. I've only been off hormonal birth control for about 3 months after being on it for 5 years, and I'd like to see if my skin will clear itself up and if everything else goes back to normal on its own.

Plus the side effects of hormonal birth control are a little much.

[lamotriginerash]

I started the pill 3 days ago and I've been depressed and anxious as fuck all of those 3 days.

Normally when my period starts, the depression and weird moods end. They don't usually get worse.

When it first happened on day 1, I thought there's no way it could be the pill. I just started it.

Then today I woke up feeling fine and thinking the depression had finally passed.

But then I took the pill and I'm back to feeling like I wanna goddamn die.

I know birth control can mess with Lamictal, and I'm taking less Lamictal than I used to, but I'm so fucking done with my meds needing to be fucked around with. I was feeling good on my meds just the way they were, then I started the pill and now I'm falling apart.

The worst part is I have 3 months supply from Nurx and my parents paid for it because I have no health insurance, and it's not like they'll give me a refund, so just stopping is a fucking waste of money. Cancelling will cost me money too.

I just want my tubes tied. I got the pill now mainly just to make my skin go back to normal but I'm so fucking sick of it all.

Christ this was supposed to treat my PMDD.

And don't tell me I need to "just stick it out for a while". I was fucking suicidal yesterday. I'm not sticking with that.

[lamotriginerash]

Nice Day

[lamotriginerash]

Discussion

[lamotriginerash]

I know that the way I'm feeling right now is just happening because my period is about to start. I know this because I track my moods every day and, after getting back on my meds at the start of the month, I'd been feeling so much better. I've only started slipping as I started getting closer to the monthly bullshit.

I know everything is gonna go back to normal soon. I should keep that in mind, but holy fuck does it suck.

[lamotriginerash]

Maybe my Lithium needs to be upped because I keep ruminating on things that make me angry and the Rage is hitting me again.

I know it's partly because The Time of The Month is in a few days, and after I start birth control I'll feel slightly more sane around this time, but goddamn do I hate feeling like this.

[lamotriginerash]

Y'all ever just get all kinds of rage when you realize just how much this illness has stolen from you?

[lamotriginerash]

Like before we got together (and sometimes when we were together) I loved him and was in pain because he didn't love me back.

What's it like being on the other side, bitch?

My ex keeps texting me and acting like we're still together and it's pretty freeing to just Not. Care.

I don't want him to visit and I don't want him back. He was abusive and I need to quit making excuses for him.

[lamotriginerash]

My ex keeps texting me and acting like we're still together and it's pretty freeing to just Not. Care.

I don't want him to visit and I don't want him back. He was abusive and I need to quit making excuses for him.

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My mood is a lot better and I actually feel like a person again. I even left my room and spoke to actual humans last night.

Lesson learned: take your fucking meds.

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Greeeaaat. I'm officially completely out of money.