kissingdepressionlovinglife

[kissingdepressionlovinglife]

[kissingdepressionlovinglife]

Severed Relationship

Apologizing to an individual with a victim mentality is impossible. That does not mean you shouldn’t—but only if you are sincere. Never let your ego be bigger than the relationship at stake.

Today, I did just that. I was met with hostility, unforgiveness, and a severed relationship. The truth is, although it hurts, I will live. I don’t buy into the whole “But that’s your family” jargon. I buy into the “You can’t pick your family, so choose your friends/significant other wisely” jargon.

The victim mentality is strong with this family member and always has been. Everything is always someone else’s fault. Isn’t where they want to be in life because of this or that, but yet when I give advice or encouragement, they give excuses.

A playful tap to the head during Thanksgiving dinner was spun into a “YOU HIT ME” saga. Instead of communicating effectively like a 30 something year old should, he instead likes to try to intimidate women (I mean the multiple arrests for domestic violence against his girlfriends should tell you something), to which I don’t intimate easily. So my energy matched his in that moment and he didn’t like that I didn’t back down. I would have apologized right then and we could have moved forward, but no, he felt the need to let his temper fly over a playful tap to his head. Which by the way, if you have siblings, know that playful taps here and there are common. We have done this to one another many times throughout our childhood and adulthood. Let’s be clear about a few things, this individual has, on multiple occasions, physical attacked all of us immediate family members in alcohol induced rages---and EXPECTS us to forgive and forget without so much as an apology. Never once have I heard the words “I’m sorry”; “I take responsibility”; “I was wrong” come out of his mouth.

I am the oldest (living) sibling and since my playful tap did upset him I apologized later that day. He advised me to “save it for someone who cares”. The thing about apologies is—they don’t have to be accepted. It is entirely up to the person who is receiving the apology whether or not to accept it. He didn’t accept it and I just simply responded with “Alright cool.” As in that’s fine, I understand you don’t accept it. He is my brother, he knows how I speak. His reply immediately went to victimhood “You just can’t apologize can you?” Pretty sure I just did bro…

Long story short, he took a playful tap, made it out to be that I beat him and no longer wants me in his life. I find it humorous that he has physically came after me, thrown things at me, called me everything under the sun. Physically attacked our younger brother multiple times, choked him to the point that I had to pull him off of him. Attacked our mom, tried to break down her bedroom door to get to her. Has broken our dad’s nose, attacked him several times. Has been arrested on multiple occasions for domestic violence against his past girlfriends…….but I’m the piece of the shit because of a playful tap.

In conclusion--- some things are a blessing in disguise. Some relationships, blood or not, are not worth fighting for anymore. And although apologies are hard, you should still apologize—and you can’t be mad when it’s not accepted. I’m not mad that he didn’t accept my apology—that’s his right. I’m not mad he wants me out of his life. I’m perturbed at the fact that he has done worse to this family, has never apologized, and trying to make it out like I’m a horrible human being. Especially when at times, I was the ONLY sibling that he had that would still talk to him. You can only burn a bridge so many times before that bridge will no longer be rebuilt—and I am no longer available for construction.

[kissingdepressionlovinglife]

Apology

Bloody noses

Black eyes

Violent nights

Silent cries

 Bruised bodies

Tender souls

Afraid of tonight

Still, no one told

 A parenting cycle

That didn’t end

The sins of his father

He did not mend

 The past is the past

The trauma is real

A simple apology

Would seal the deal

[kissingdepressionlovinglife]

Paths

I don’t believe that relationships are necessarily mistakes, but damn I could have gone without some of the bullshit. Like my first “real” relationship that developed in high school and advanced to moving in together after I graduated. I could have gone without her controlling abusive behavior. I could have gone without the isolation from my friends and my family. I could have gone without the gaslighting and her constant accusations. That ended with her cheating on me, then her and her friend sitting around laughing at me…. until I finally lost my shit on her. After years of abuse and then her treatment of me in that moment, I completely lost all sense of my morals and character. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I found my hands around her throat. I will never be proud of that moment. Ever. And even after 18 years, I’m still ashamed of myself for that. That was the one and only time I have ever put my hands on someone I love or loved.

My second long term relationship was a little better. I was unhealthy though and I wasn’t perfect, nor was she. No one ever is. We started out great—doesn’t it always—but then I would constantly catch her in lies. Lie after lie after lie after lie. And still my dumb ass would stick around. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. I grew up with a mother who was loving or distant, depending on her mood that day. I had a father who took his frustrations out on my brothers with his fists. What the fuck did I know about love? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The second one lived for drama and chaos. If things were going great in our relationship or the friend group, she would create some shit to have some shit. She was infamous for not letting me just walk away to cool down. She would block doors. I can’t stand to feel trapped, and she knew that. I told her a lot of things that had happened to me and why I don’t like feeling trapped. Instead of respecting that, she used that against me. I was always careful with my anger level in this relationship. I was always afraid I was going to lose control again. If she could trap me in a room and I was able to turn my back to her or walk away---she would punch me in the back.  I remember the first time it happened. She was wanting to argue about who knows what and I didn’t. We were at her mother’s and I had to sleep on the couch. She came downstairs from her bedroom to talk and all I wanted to do was sleep. Nothing was going to get accomplished that night. I turned over, facing away from her, and then I felt the punch. I turned back towards; she had her hand over her mouth. I asked her if she just punched me. She just started crying and apologizing. I told her it was time for her to go back to her bedroom. Another time, I was leaving the apartment and again she punched me in the back. I laughed as I turned around and she started lying about how she went to grab me. I told her I have never tried to grab someone with a fist. I left that day and told her it was over. Still, I never hit her back. That breakup lasted a month. Back to her I went. After more years of bullshit it finally ended with her playing me while she was talking to some dude on the side. On the phone I was paying for. The last time she attempted to block me from walking away, I gently placed my hands on her hips and moved her. I didn’t shove her, push her, or forcefully move her. I gently moved her out of my way. This bitch had the audacity to say “I can’t believe you just put your hands on me!” I just looked at her and left.

As we know, there are two people in a relationship, so I’m sure if spoke with them they would have different accounts. I just know that I own up to my shit….and they didn’t while I was with them. With all that said, you have to go through the rainy days to appreciate the sunshine. I learned what I will and will not tolerate in relationships. Those paths lead me to the absolute love of my life. The woman who is the most precious person to me. The person who has SHOWN me what healthy love looks like. The person who has LOVED me through the good days and the bad ones. The person whose hands have only ever treated me with the love and respect I deserve. The person who encourages family relationships and friendships. The person who deserves everything in this life. The person who I am beyond grateful to call my wife.

[kissingdepressionlovinglife]

Reset

I quietly sip my coffee as I watch the Florida sunrise gently break across the horizon. It’s here, in this solitude, that I allow my mind to freely roam without fear of where it may go. This is where I feel most at peace with myself, this world and my past.

I know that a peace like this does not last long for someone like me. I understand the risks of allowing myself to feel this free for too long. Still, I do allow this brief reprieve from the ever-constant war between my mind and my soul. I smile slightly as I watch the seagulls effortlessly soar down the beach and wonder how it would feel to let the air catch my wings. I take another sip of coffee, letting the warmth continue to fill my soul just as the early morning setting is doing now. I take a deep breath through my nose and slowly exhale, letting the invisible weight I carry, out.

I have always felt a deep connection to nature. I have always felt at home while surrounded by the sounds of water, whether it be waves crashing harshly or a smooth gentle creek. I relish in the fact that I can lose myself in nature’s beauty and for that time, nothing else matters. Just as my mind starts to go to the dark parts of my past, I hear the sliding glass door to the balcony open. I glance over my shoulder already knowing who it will be. It is then I am met with the sleepy, smiling face of the person who has loved every part of me from the beginning. The person who has shown me what being loved, for better or worse, truly feels like. A “Good morning baby”, a kiss, and the sunrise over the ocean is just what I needed to reset.

[kissingdepressionlovinglife]

Refusal

Flowing through the veins, coarsely pumping through my body

It’s made its home deep within my bones and remains as hard as cement

It never leaves and constantly reminds me, either subtlety or full forced

That it is here to stay and there is nothing I can do about it

On the good days, I’m able to contain it, making it stay just below the surface

On the bad days, it starts as soon as I open my eyes and if I’m lucky, it will just dampen my mood

On the horrible days, it is a physical pain, a chest crushing pressure, puffy eyes

Head pounding, deep seated sadness that can’t be explained. Then a rage that fills my entire being

If I sit still maybe it won’t boil over, maybe if I sit still, it will just do its thing and subside.

If I move too much, think too much, feel too much, anything could happen

And I’m afraid of what anything could be

These are the days that it laughs as it watches my medication slide down my throat

Knowing full well the battle will be atrocious, emotionally draining and damaging

Still, I fight. And I will always fight. I’m okay losing battles, because I know that I will always win the war.

Depression-on the days you think you have succeeded, just know my warrior mentality doesn’t

Know how to stop so bring on the fight.

Knock me down, kick my teeth out, make me bleed…and I will stand back up

Blood streaming down from my mouth, a smile across my face knowing full well you are

Fighting a beast that refuses to quit.