killiman-96

[killiman-96]

I want to be saved. I don't NEED to be saved. I WANT to be saved. I want to feel like I'm worth some sort of sacrifice or inconvenience or something without being made to feel like I'm the inconvenience.

I guess that's the part of the fairy tale I want. Though the animal companion is nice too.

I want someone who wants to save me.

I want to be loved like I'm important enough.

[killiman-96]

Just saw people threatening to shoot up schools in my area and my kid's school isn't on the list, but one close to it is and ... I went online shopping about it so I didn't fall into complete and utter despair. Fuck this.

[killiman-96]

Plan for everyday:

1. 15-20 min walk

2. Writing

3. Journaling

4. Studying something

5. Reading

Starting tomorrow... 🙃

[killiman-96]

I want to go to an honest to God fair. I want to eat fried food and see farm animals and win stupid prizes at stupid rigged games.

[killiman-96]

I swear ... We just keep missing each other. Roads running parallel and we just pass each other by every time. It's not fair.

But in a short amount of time those lines will cross. Excited for that.

[killiman-96]

I'm so fucking sick of my life right now. Husband took car to help at someone else's house so it's just sitting in someone else's driveway meanwhile I'm stuck at home and my FIL has my daughter who was supposed to be dropped off sometime after breakfast but now it's after lunch. She's not responding. I just want to take a damn shower but I can't because I don't know when they will be here and I haven't had breakfast or lunch and I just want to fucking scream.

[killiman-96]

I just realized that, had my high school band started going to Disney World when I was in it (instead of 2 years AFTER I graduated), I could have potentially gone to Disney World with my high school crush and the possibilities just nearly made me giddy.

Having a nostalgic day anyway, so was already mentally primed for realizing that. Just one of those : "in universe 534, I went to Disney World with my crush and it was amazing" types of things. Can I please visit universe 534 at that point in time and see what happened? Kkthxbye.

🙃

[killiman-96]

I really really really need to start journaling again....

[killiman-96]

Wondering now if my desperate want to go to Chicago for college (which I did not do, sadly) was because of the lake...

The ocean scares me, the Great Lakes calm me.

[killiman-96]

My neurospicyness is showing.... Saw this picture and wanted to scream because:

Not only is it not in alphabetical order, alphabetical order makes sense so much because clubs = c and diamonds = d, and hearts = b (for beat or blood)...

This might be my villain origin story.

[killiman-96]

I had a dream... A dream which was a fun adventure, a small injury, a hug, a friendly kiss, a stolen kiss, a passionate kiss, and then hand holding, and finally a confession over a plea, be patient and wait for me, I will not fail you now, I've loved you since I was 13 years old. (Then as dreams do, things got weird).

There are moments of that dream I wanted to stay in, to fall back into. But I can't. We can't. Can we work all this shit out so we get it right in our next lifetime?

I can hope.

[killiman-96]

Been a while but I dreamed about you and I just wanted to live in that dream for a bit longer....

Perhaps someday I will be over you but today is not that day....

[killiman-96]

A long time ago, in a different lifetime, I ran a a webzine called Dark Moon Rising. I made friends with people from all over who I no longer talk to - one I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding in AZ, flew out to LA to help her with a Sci-fi Con that was cancelled last mintue and so drove up, in a rental car, to San Francisco to hang out with her and some others we were putting the con together with. (First time I ever overdrew my bank account was that trip.) - and I had mostly forgotten about those people from that time in my life. A random name made me think about it and no it wasn't that name but I went back to that website that I haven't touched since 2009, and hadn't actually updated since 2004 and it was a lot of work and I was never on time with it, but I wanted it to be so much more. I wanted to own my own publishing company.

20 years ago was another lifetime. And I hadn't missed it, not really. I've missed people from high school. I've missed a few online friends from my past lives every now and then. I've missed the old Internet (chat rooms, email RPGs, mailing lists, Geocities, hardcoding HTML, etc.).

I still have the website. I still pay $140 a year to keep a defunct site partially up. (My friend is the website host so it's also supporting his business but that's neither here nor there.) It's a piece of me I don't think about but can't let go for some reason.

I hope some writers I published short stories for went on to do other great things. Or if not that they were at least happy and excited that their work was "published" in some form or another.

Nostalgia is weird at times. I have three major regrets in my life, and two of them are related - I wish back then that I'd taken up web design as a career. And I also wish I'd had the time and money to start that publishing company back in the early 2000s. It might not have lasted but it would have been fun.

[killiman-96]

Not me having a sudden realization that the reason when I was little I had to have all the characters of a thing and was upset if I didn't have all of them was most due to my neurodivergence than being a spoiled brat. Had to have all the ponies, had to have all the care bears. If there was a set, I had to have them all. I remember being 5-6 and going to a flea market and finding one of the original six ponies that you couldn't buy anymore and BEGGING to get it, even though I literally had over 100 ponies by that point.

I *NEEDED* the whole set, dammit. (I got it, it was only a few dollars and my mom keep hushing me so the seller didn't jack the price. 😆)

[killiman-96]

Everytime I see a motorcycle crash in my area I always wonder....

Was it you?

Today below the headline was the man's name. It wasn't you, but my heart cried out, what if it had been?

This fantasy I've constructed I don't want to burst.

But I have to see you once before either of us dies.

Doesn't matter my fantasy can't ever come true. I just... need the closure.

[killiman-96]

It's hard, realizing that people you thought were friends or could be friend again after you knowingly out distance because of depression/burnout/ND issues you didn't realize were ND issues

And you've tried, both to explain, reached out when it's not in your comfort zone, are trying to be accommodating to them... explain why you will do anything on their time frame since their schedule is the full one and you just want an invite....

And they don't respond at all to your invitations, and they invite all the other people you know but don't invite you ... and you realize that you have no friends or so few that you might as well have none ...

And now you're too old and shy and scared and making new friends was hard enough. All the people you know are because they are friends with one person who you think might be your friend and even that you aren't sure about, because you know when you husband does end up divorcing you because you can never be good enough for him, you'll lose them as well...

And all you are left is why... why did you even bother?

No one will love you the way you want them to no one will want you. Everyone leaves eventually, you don't have anyone that is just your person...

What do you do then?

[killiman-96]

This is actually really cool. I know I did weight watchers 5 years ago trying to lose weight for my 40th so I could feel more comfortable at Disney World. I lost the weight but after my trip, I had to stop because all I could literally do was sleep. I had no energy for most anything at that point in trying to lose more weight. I had lost 45lbs and losing more was just ... not happening.

And yes, I gained back 35 of those lbs really quickly. So I stopped trying to lose weight and then every so often I'd get to where for a few weeks I was naturally eating less. And I'd lose 5-10lbs. Since quitting a job that mentally overwhelmed me, getting therapy and not worrying about it, I've lost 30lbs in 5 to 10lb intervals without trying. I've just recently started doing yoga again, with an eye more on my blood pressure than weight loss and it feels good, not punishing, not like I'm trying to do this to lose weight, but to focus and stretch my body. It's so much better than trying to exercise for weight loss or so I can eat more food. And the walking bit is one piece of advice that seems to be consistent across health platforms. So maybe I will take that up while the weather is nice. Again, for my blood pressure and mental health, not for weight loss. My body will do what it wants with weight.

Let the weight worry about itself.

I gave my soapbox speech about how weight loss is mostly bullshit to two different patients in a row yesterday and so help me I’m pretty sure one of these days someone is going to say “but SURELY you agree I’d be HEALTHIER if I lost weight!” bc you can see the disbelief in their eyes. And like. Sure, maybe! You might see some improvement in biomarkers like LDL and A1c, and your knees would probably feel better. But you would be amazed at how much more good you can do for yourself by focusing on things you can actually meaningfully change without resorting to making yourself miserable. Eat more fresh fruits and vegetables—it’s hard bc they’re more difficult to prepare and more expensive per calorie and go bad faster than other foods, but they’re what we evolved eating the most of so they’re what our bodies need the most of. And walk around more; sure, cardio is great for you, but if it sucks so bad you don’t do it, it isn’t doing shit for you. And we evolved to walk very very long distances, a little bit at a time, so our bodies respond actually very well to adding walks into our schedules, which is vastly easier than adding workouts that are frankly designed to be punishing when the definition of punishing is “makes you less likely to do it again in the future.”

You get one life. It is shorter than you can begin to imagine. Don’t waste it hating yourself because somebody is going to make money off that self-hatred. You deserve better than to be a cash cow for billionaires who pay aestheticians and dermatologists to make them (or at least their trophy wives) look thin and beautiful no matter what they actually do.