keepgoing36

[keepgoing36]

Pride Is Dumb

07/06/2020

Its been days! Nine entire days since I've even talked to my best friend and I don't even know any more. All this time I've been thinking I don't need him. I don't need to be treated like some once a month let's have dinner and then get flaked on friend. I'm worth more than that! I have feelings and I'm not needy! I'm not stupid for wanting to hang out with my best friend at least once a week! My feelings matter damn it and I don't appreciate them being written off as needy! I fucking matter!!!

And now I'm laying here in bed debating. I lost my best friend before thinking that way. Thinking that if she really cared she'd come for me... But this time I don't want to sit here and wait, hoping that he'll care enough to look for me first. What if he takes it the wrong way and it is the end? I'm so close to just going to his house and crying and saying that I do miss him and I just want us to be normal. I'm at the point where I'm so close to not even caring if everyone thinks I'm dumb for it or if even he thinks I'm pitiful. I'll take any scraps I can get at this point. I just miss him!!! I miss his stupid laugh and his annoying tendencies and I miss his dumb shaking leg. I miss watching RuPaul and eating Pho. I miss our drives and I miss eating at Las Fresas! I miss holding his hand and I miss teasing him because I demand hugs!!!

I just miss my best friend and it sucks because I overthink everything and he's probably having fun on vacation thinking everything will be fine while I'm over here crying and wishing he'd just run after me like I so badly want to run after him! I've never been prideful, but the tiny bit of pride I have is gone. I'm a big wuss and I don't even care if everyone sees it or criticizes me. If he ever comes back I'm going to burst out crying and beg him not to leave me like that again, because he was right the entire time. I can't handle it, and I don't even want to try at this point.

[keepgoing36]

My Heart Aches

6/26/2020

I don't really know where I screwed up, but I did. And I'm trying to fix it, but I feel like we're just going in circles. I don't think I'm being needy like he says, I just want to spend time with my best friend. At this point, me just sitting there in the same room with him while he's working on his car would be enough for me. I can at least pretend that we're spending time together that way. My chest hurts sometimes and the random feeling of crying sucks, but that's what I get for loving someone. I finally get what it's like to love someone and fight to make it work when you see them slipping away. I just never thought that would happen to me and I would be sitting here allowing it.

[keepgoing36]

First time using watercolors. Don't think I did too bad.

[keepgoing36]

I Don't Know Anymore

04/04/2020

I'm giving up on life. I woke up in a good mood and cleaned and washed clothes and ate breakfast downstairs with my mom and the girls. I got up to wash dishes and said someone could put them away. Of course, mom got mad and said not to do it so I said okay and sat back down. She came by with the rag to clean the table and she yelled at me for helping her wipe down my side of the table. Then she starts complaining that no one helps her at home and people are lazy, so I came upstairs. That totally just ruined my entire day. I hate it, because she always makes me think that I'm a shit daughter and can't ever do anything right. She freaking hates me.

[keepgoing36]

I'm Really Done

03/23/2020

I give up. I'm tired of caring about other people and giving them 100% when they can't do that for me. I don't even know if it is true or not, but if it is (which I'm sure it is considering that other people knew but me) then I'm broken hearted. I can't trust any one at home 100% because they never regard my hurt as serious. So what is the point of telling them when they just brush off my pain!? And now him too!?

I've always said that I just wanted someone to understand me and that meant being honest with me too. But even if I held him in that regard as my best friend, apparently he never did. I knew it was too good to be true. Not like there's ever been someone out there who cared the way I did. I don't know why I thought I had found someone who needed me as much as I needed them.

I guess I am just a charity case for him since he always likes fixing people.

Edit 03/25/2020

So I talked about it at home and my mom and sisters think I shouldnt take it that seriously, maybe he though I'd judge him or he'd be embarrassed. I guess that makes some sense. I just don't think he should ever feel like I've judged him when I try really hard not to. So I want to talk about it, but if that's the case, then I'd rather wait until he says something. I just want him to understand I wouldnt judge and I'm hurt about the lying more than anything else, but I can't bring that up without bringing up the other...

[keepgoing36]

Tired...

3/13/2020

What am I supposed to do when it starts feeling like I'm not wanted any more? I mean... I get it. My BFF is working and he has a new job and he's tired and has his mom and brothers to take care of, but I miss hanging out. Even if it is just sitting on the couch watching tv or him playing video games and teasing me while I read. Lately, I don't even get that. The last three times I went over he didn't say a word to me and two of those three times I left without even saying bye because he was playing.

We don't do anything any more. No more late trips to pho or to get fruit, no more RuPaul or anime episodes, no more nothing...

I feel like a jerk because I know he's trying hard to build a better life for him and his family, but it sort of feels like I'm an after thought. I kind of wouldn't be surprised if he'd forget to text me for an entire day and that sucks because he's always said he cares, so am I just wrong to feel forgotten when he just has a lot on his plate?

[keepgoing36]

2/25/2020

A trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. The first time here and it is definitely something fun!!!

[keepgoing36]

Holy Frick!!!

2/20/2020

Can you believe I finally did it!? I took a trip to New Orleans! I'm super excited. Today's my first day here and I can't wait to see what this city has in store for me

[keepgoing36]

Update!

1/19/20

I'm feeling good!!! I started going to the gym, using the stairs, and I'm trying to eat less. It's all good.

[keepgoing36]

New Year

1/6/20

New Me.

I know it sounds cliche but I'm doing it!

[keepgoing36]

Big Secrets...

12/16/19

This is huge, but not something I haven't even dared to put here. It happened, and I've been fighting it for months, but it finally happened. I think... no.

Nevermind.

I can't say it. Not even here, where no one will ever know. I just can't.

It breaks my heart every time I think about it, but what can I possibly do? It hurts, but then I get that small moment of happiness.

What am I supposed to do?

[keepgoing36]

...

12/14/19

Just sitting here in the dark room doing nothing because everyone can just leave without saying I can come along, but tell me again that I don't want to hang out with you.

[keepgoing36]

Good Morning!

11/19/19

Off to work, but my car is freezing, so I'm sitting here waiting for it to warm up.

Is it just me? Or is everyone else super excited for Christmas? I can't wait! Usually I'm excited and I go and buy everyone's gifts. This year I'm super excited because I decided to make something for everyone instead of buying them something. I really hope they like them. I made 25 notes on why I love them, what I notice about them, or prayers for them and rolled them up into little jars. I even made paper Christmas trees and glued them to the bottom of the jars with fake snow. I can't wait until they open them.

Should I add a little gift though?

[keepgoing36]

Changes

10/24/19

I want a baby.

There. I said it.

I'm happy where I am right now with my life and I don't really want to wait for someone who may or may not happen just so I can have a baby. I'm not straight jumping into it, but I am planning on it. I want to finish paying off my car and then I want to buy a nice little house. I'm going to live on my own first and make sure that I can, but then I'm having a baby. I have options and im looking into those in the meantime too. So in about a year or two I'll start trying.

Because I really want a baby.

[keepgoing36]

Calm Heart

09/24/19

So... on Sunday I got a message from my Squishy that surprised me. Not in a bad way or anything, but in a he-doesn't-do-that kind of way.

He sent me a message saying that he appreciates me and that the idea just came to him of me being his best friend and being what his other best friend used to be for him. Before I could even say, he told me he wasn't replacing him with me, and I'm happy about that. Because the people you love can never be replaced. He said that he doesn't feel guilty for what happened to his best friend and it just happened for a reason and it wasn't his fault. He said he chose me as his go to person and I'm there for him and do so much for him just like his best friend had and that no one can replace me.

I have to say that I'm happy.

I'm happy that he feels that way because I've always been afraid of people leaving me and him saying that adds a bit more foundation to the trust he's been unconsciously building for me. I'm glad he has someone to go to for anything.

And the thing that I'm happiest about? He doesn't know, but all this month I was praying to God, and maybe even his best friend, and asking them to help him understand that what happened wasn't his fault. I asked them to watch over him and not to feel as hurt as he has been feeling. Every night I asked for it and I asked them both. I asked his best friend to keep a close eye on him and make sure he was okay.

I don't know if this was them helping my Squishy out, but if it was I have to thank them from the bottom of my heart, because he should never have felt guilty and all of that hurt and burden should never have been his to carry. So yes, I am so very thankful to God and his best friend for what they did for him. And I very much hope that his best friend is there to see all of his good times and I hope he's there to bring some kind of comfort to him during all of the bad times, because I can be there for him always, but a little bit of help from above is very much appreciated.

[keepgoing36]

I Think I'm Done...

09/18/19

I'm really hoping that what I'm wanting us what I'll actually do. I've been thinking a lot about it and I think I'm ready. I'm ready to move in with my life and do what needs to be done to actually get what I want.

I want to move out and run around at whatever times I want and see the people I want and do what I want! So I'm doing it. I'm going to look for a second job in the weekend and get it done.

Also, I am 100 million times another few millions worried about my sister Andy Rae. She's determined to join the military and it breaks my heart to think that she'll be gone. I know that's what she wants and she can go for it and do it and I know she'll be amazing at it because that is what she wants. But I'm scared for her. I can't tell her that though, because how can I tell her to not go just for me? How can I even think about convincing her to stay and just go to college or something? I can't stop her, because she can and will get what she wants. She'll be amazing and brave and strong and fierce, how can I possibly ask her to stay?

Then I have Omi. Shes doing amazing in college and everytime I see her doing homework or choosing to read instead of go out or goof off, I have the most biggest pride, I feel like my heart will burst. She's doing amazing and kicking butt as she goes. I can see her passion and determination to finish school and get what she wants. I never expected her to go to a college and plan to pursue a degree that will keep her in school for more than four years. I am so beyond amazed, and I really hope that she makes it to where she wants to go, because my heart would break. She's worked so hard and gone through so much to get to where she is now, and she'll keep going through more to get where she wants to be.

Lastly, I have my Squishy. I think I need to talk to him and tell him everything. All of the worry I carry for him, all of the fears, the insecurities, the heartbreak I cause myself. I need to tell him everything, because it isn't okay for me to hold it all back just to make sure that we're okay. I shouldnt be doing it in the first place when I know that he would understand. I could probably tell him the worst thing a person could ever do and he would probably still love me. So I need to do it. I have to do it. If not for any other reason than to make sure I'll be alright, because I need to be alright. I can't keep saying I'm fine when I know it isn't true. I know my worries and fears come from worrying and being afraid for others so this needs to be the last time I tell him, and if it is the last time, then I need to tell him everything.

[keepgoing36]

Hey There!

9/14/19

Nothing to really say.

Just coming by to say hello.