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I know I don’t post anymore and that’s my bad. But for tonight, at least, I just really need an outlet.

Yesterday, my baby dog died. It is turning out to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to deal with.

I’ve had pets die before. Several of my parent’s dogs have died over the years. But that’s just it - they were my parent’s dogs. Technically, so was Chubblie. My mom’s dog through and through. But she was so much my dog too, in so many ways. My little companion. My shadow. My alarm clock. My space heater. I love her so freaking much.

I’m having such a difficult time coping. For some reasons that I don’t want to go into because they’re hard to even put words to without crying and crying all over again.

But it’s amazing to me how pure the love for a pet can be. To love a pet is to selflessly give your time and soul into caring for another living thing that is completely dependent on you. Family members of mine have passed and I’ve felt less pain. Because they’re not someone I regularly interacted with. But my pupper was a part of my everyday life for so long. And I say so long but she was only nine people years old. She was supposed to live for years more. I think that’s the hardest part is that this disease was so sudden and took her from us so unexpectedly. I saw her this weekend and she seemed perfectly healthy (maybe a little creaky from age but mostly fine) and now she’s gone. The pain of her absence is so deep and penetrating and all-encompassing. It’s all I can think about. And I just want the thinking to stop for awhile.

I just want to pet her one more time. Rub her belly one more time. Hear her bark obnoxiously when I open the back door one more time. Throw her toy squirrel to her one more time. Scold mom for giving her too much people food one more time.

I know that, with time, this ache will go away. But it’s just so hard to imagine my house without her. She was everybody’s best friend. She was my best friend. I miss her more that I could have ever imagined.

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Kumail Nanjiani and Kate McKinnon host the 2016 Film Independent Spirit Awards

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I CAN'T BELIEVE LEO WON. I mean first of all it was an inferior performance to some of his past nominated performances. Secondly I'm sad that the running joke is over now.

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If you’re scrolling through tumblr trying to distract yourself from something you don’t want to think about or you’re looking for a sign that everything will be okay, this is it. So, breathe. Relax into this moment. You’re alive & that’s all that matters.

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“why do you overanalyze text messages” to my credit i overanalyze everything, always, because i love feeling like i’m suffocating and everyone hates me, constantly, so at least there’s… consistency

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I hate my hair i hate my face i hate my life i hate the way i act around others i hate the way i think about myself when im alone i hate that im so loud i hate that im too big i hate that im not smart enough i hate that i have to make decisions and that i always make the wrong choice i hate that i take every act personally i hate that im really abrasive to people i care about i hate that people dont care about me the way i care about them i hate that i push away the feel people who do care about me i hate that im so condescending i hate that im not good enough at anything i set out to do i hate my teeth i hate my nose i hate being shy i hate having anxiety i hate that i hate myself but i really hate myself

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Idk if it's the confidence from dating or if I'm finally starting to get in shape, but today I looked in the mirror and thought "damn my curves are actually pretty sexy."

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I just wanted to share this picture somewhere because I really like it.

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Reading pro-Trump rhetoric on Facebook always baffles me. Once you get past the 10% which is misspelled, you're usually left with a series of words strung together that actually have very little meaning if you think about it for more than one second. It's like when you try to write a paper but have no idea how to reach your word count; you just start suggesting random words that relate to the topic and hope for the best.

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I find myself with a weird (for me) dilemma. My Philly friends tended to always be out doing things. Concerts, musicals, happy hours, clubs. It was always go-go-go! It was awesome but also kind of exhausting. My Kansas friends pretty much only ever want to hang out and someone’s house and talk or play board games. I love getting personal time with my friends but it’s also super monotonous and can get boring. I am solidly between those two extremes. I don’t want to exclusively do one or the other. I like variety. So either place I feel left out when I want to do something that no one else wants. It’s really frustrating. 

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An open letter to the guy who was better to me than all the others.

You were so into me and I wish I could have been more into you. You were the kind of guy you can introduce to mom without having her question her judgment. You were the one I can't imagine breaking my heart. But you were the one whose heart I had to break, and I'm sorry. Truly, I am.

I found you in the middle of a whole lot of drama. What we had together was the result of a lot of heartache for me and came after a series of too much disappointment. I lashed out. I needed someone to treat as badly as I had been treated. And you were there. I wish you hadn't been. I know you wanted to help because you cared about me but I didn't feel like I deserved someone "nice." Sometimes, I still don't. I know I perpetuated the stereotype that nice guys finish last but I hope you can see past that. I was broken. I was hurt and I was scared. I get it in my head that I don't deserve much so I ruin anything good in my life, just like I ruined our friendship.

I hope you can forgive me and that you find something - someone - wonderful and meaningful to add to your life. I look back at our friendship and hope I can find someone who cares about me the way you did because I think now that maybe I finally deserve it. I loved having a friend who would duet my favorite jazz songs with me. Someone who would act like a goofball and let me tease him (though without so much acid in my voice this time).

Again, I'm so sorry that you had the misfortune of being around me when I was at my most virulently unstable. Wrong place, wrong time, I suppose. I'll try so much harder to be better for the next one. I realize that I write too much about how resentful I am for all the wrong that's been done to me. I don't focus enough on the harm that I've done to others. I want to be forgiving for the former and repentant for the latter. I aspire to expunge all the toxicity that's been flooding my life.

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Watch: President Obama calls out Republicans for their refugee hypocrisy — and then drops the mic by tying it to the debates.

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Attempting to end toxic relationships is hard. It’s even harder when the relationship is with a parent. No child should have to go through that. A child deserves loving parents who want the best for their child and who support them. If they’ve managed to see the child into adulthood, even if they don’t agree with everything the child does, a parent should at least respect their child and be proud of the adult they’ve grown into. BUT NO. The world, unfortunately, doesn’t always work the way it should. There is war, poverty, disease, and cruelty all around us. Some people in this world feel so small and helpless and out of control that they seek power in any way they can, even if it leads to abusing the rights – to safety, health, and mental stability – of those around them. It is so easy to be angry at people like that. It is so easy to point the finger and blame them for our troubles. But there is already enough negativity in the world. I guess the better thing to do would be to pity them. We all are born with the same wiring but, as we grow, we transform into one of our many potential selves; we are all vulnerable. But some of us choose to live life looking for light and for ways to improve, while others don’t have that kind of strength. So I don’t want to be angry at people who abuse me and take advantage of me. I’d rather feel sorry for them because they don’t have the strength to be kind and to be fair. I may not be perfect but I work hard every day to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be.

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In other news I found out that, based on my body type, I can safely consume 800 calories a day and it won't start to be unhealthy for 4 months, when I would hit the bottom of my target weight range. So that means I get to eat one cup of yogurt, some crackers, a half can of peas, and a half bowl of pasta everyday for the next 4 months.

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I was so tempted to wrap my car around a tree on the way home from school today. But the chances of it killing me would be slim and then I'd be left with a crapton of hospital bills and a totaled car. And then I'd have even more problems on my hands.

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That is so cute you might just vomit a rainbow.

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That moment when two people who shattered your heart and were trying out a long distance relationship (that you thought would fail) meet up for the first time since the move and post cute pictures on the internet. Vomit. Not that I'm still bitter a year and a half later or anything.