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[kaithixn]

"Fear is greed's best customer."

| 7 - 20 - 24 |

[kaithixn]

Independence Day.

I find it harder and harder to justify celebrating this holiday.. I truly do want to feel pride for my country. Just as I truly respect and love the people that live within it. But as I watch the paper starting to tear and the flags start to unfurl all I can think of is the golden calf as it continues to burrow into our roots and the rest of its herd pave the way of a new throne.

The exact throne that we had all fought to never have again. As the past continues to reflect. Humanity never seems to learn. The sky roars in its pain and crys for our sake. Despite this we will live on. For the mind is ever free to ponder and dream.

My heart still clutched with hope even if I am met with rope. The gods of the skys and stars don't mourn. That much I have sworn. Whatever comes to pass, I only seek peace for us all.

| 7 - 4 - 2024 |

[kaithixn]

So I Painted in The Park. . .

I don't often go outside as a closet dweller but hey I had a goal to paint at least once outside. I repainted an old canvas that originally had me experimenting with how I would want to my abstract work to look. It was essentially a board of small patches of my exploration. Though I quickly lost interest and has been collecting dust for quite some time.

So after graduating, I felt far more confident in my skills or at the very least had an idea of what I wanted it to look. I didn't really like how the patches looked together. Each would've been better on their own canvas'. So I took out my paints and tape and this is the result. Below is what it was before I started.

As you can see, this was... A hot mess. But I do recall loving it back when I made it. Which is fair considering It felt cohesive in a strange way. That and I liked the idea of a 'abstract art board' kind of inspired by something like pinterest. Or perhaps more like a moodboard of sorts?

Thankfully the day was perfect. I woke up nice and early before the sun had even had a chance to start rising over the horizon. Packed with just about everything I could possibly need. Two, two liter bottles of tap water, an old fitted sheet sort of tarp/cover, soap and a rag for cleaning any messes I may make, my briefcase of paints and tools, two spray bottles to keep me cool or use on my canvas, a portfolio type bag to hold everything, the canvas, my headphones, my phone, a water bottle for drinking, and my feet.

It was fairly windy which was perfect because it would help drying the paint much easier or faster than nothing while also keeping me mostly cool. And just my luck the sky was covered in clouds that hid the sun from me. Anyway I walked from my home to the park with everything in hand. Heading down until I reached my destination of one of those picnic type shelters. The ones with picnic tables and a roof with concrete floors.

Weirdly, I encountered a strange occurance walking up to the shelter. Footprints and splatters of colors. The foot prints were clearly of bare feet specifically, and the splatters looked to be of some kind of paint. These were certainly not here the day before because I had walked my normal route and they were not there. But maybe I didn't notice them?

Regardless I took pictures as proof that it wasn't me who made these marks. it did not seem intentional either. So I could only assume someone armed with paint.. or something just kind of went wild.

Starting after I documented that I pulled off my headphones and decided to just listen to my phone speaker to keep my ears from overheating. Placing everything in place with the canvas in the center. I first attempted to spray down the canvas in water. My theory was that if I sprayed it back to wet I would be able to take a brush or sponge and wipe the old paint across the canvas to sort of mix all the colors and have a base coat of paint to work from or simply use.

Unfortunately that didn't exactly work out.. So I simply started messing with the right side of the canvas. Dancing a poly brush which was basically a foam piece attached to a stick. I was simply playing with the last of the purple that I had and covered the canvas in my random but focused strokes.

I was attempting to more or less learn the capabilities of the poly brush as it was one of the only tools I really used in this particular piece. I really liked the sponge like use of it. Then I started using cyan and simply continued to play.

I watched a truck pull up on the shelter. It was one of the city's park.. people I'm not really sure what to call them. But I was worried I was in trouble for something. The shelter had stated that it was reserved. But no one was present so I took that as permission to use the space. I obviously asked if I was in trouble and of course I wasn't. Seemed they were just putting up the person that had reserved it for the day then simply drove off. They even complimented me on the work I had barely started which was nice.

It's worth mentioning that the only rules I was able to pull up was not to make money or have some kind of for-profit organization or event. I also learned that it was one hundred dollars to reserve a shelter for a day. Which was honestly hilarious. It just seemed so expensive for something that was essentially free all things considered.

It was then that I decided to coat the whole canvas in white. Using the last bit as more or less warm-up. Though I didn't do too much so not much was lost. In any case, I was able to achieve a sort of tinted white color over the whole canvas that wasn't perfectly white but more or less perfectly covered.

In the meantime I then decided to check the time as well as travel down to the other shelters available to see if they were reserved as well. Waiting for the paint to dry to continue or I guess more accurately, start with a fresh slate. Every shelter I went to said it was reserved for the same time as the one I was in. 9am to 9pm. I then decided to just stay in the shelter I was in. I of course wasn't going to be staying for that long. I had other plans that day.

I then created my own purple due to fully running out by this point. I obviously really love purple okay. That and blues and shades. Anyway I got to work with my poly brush and had it dance across the canvas once again. I loved the texture it left when it was running out of paint. Then waiting for it to dry and continuing on.

Soon enough I noticed that there was still the smallest amount of black acrylic paint that I had. It was not much not even enough to push out of the bottle. Thus I started slinging the bottle itself. Using force and gravity to do most of the work. leaving drops of black across the canvas. Then using the bottle itself to to make the marks you now see on the final product. Smearing with the nozzle of a tiny two fluid ounce bottle.

Then I was finally finished. All I had to do now was wait for it to dry. Which took quite some time. But I held the canvas to the wind to try and help until I was able to grab it and head home. In that time I briefly met the person who had reserved the space ensuring that I was just packing up. But they were just counting the tables it seems and left me back to my devices. They said their event was a bit later so I was good.

Anyway I leaned the canvas towards the wind and started to pack up. Realizing a left quite a mess through my tarp. So I simply got to work using soap and my rag to try my best to clean it off. But it didn't really seem to work. But I did the best I could. Then I continued to listen to my music and eagerly wait for the paint to dry. and soon enough I made my way back.

My mother obviously loved it and so did I. It ended up being a lovely piece. My interpretation was that it was a painting of a poluted ocean or something being tainted by man. But it's of course open to all interpretations. That was just mine.

I then enjoyed showering myself clean and heading out to hang out at applebee's alongside my family. I must say that it was a lovely day. And this painting will forever remind me of it.

Though out of curiousity.. How much would you pay for this painting? it's.. I think around 20x30'' but I forgot since it has been so long.

| 7 - 2 - 2024 | [Originally done 6 - 29 - 2024] |

[kaithixn]

So I Graduated College. Now What?

- Trying to navigate the working world as a fresh graduate. Let's talk about it. -

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

** Greetings. Before we begin, I should preface that this was originally on my website and promptly deleted due to not seeing the need to have a blog attached to my website. With that said, this isn't a copy and paste as I don't remember much of what I wrote before deleting it all. And I didn't save any of it. So...

- JOURNAL:

In May of 2024, I graduated from Columbus College of Art and Design with a Bachelor's degree in Illustration with honors. Since then I have been attempting to get a grip on building a firm foundation to start my job search. Seeing as the job market isn't great currently, and with all the other complicated stuff going on, it has of course made me more hesitant and has shot down my motivation in the beginning.

There was this sort of mental struggle in the first couple months of being graduated. A part of me has been happy to just laze about with the belief or perhaps excuse of deserving a break. Seeing as up to this point the routine of summer break had been ingrained into me. That and my mother had bought me and my sister our usual local pool memberships.. So I felt more inclined to indulge.

It didn't help that very early after graduating I was already getting the expectation of looking for a job by my mother. I don't blame her. But it did sting a bit that she had this talk with me so early. I was expecting it maybe somewhere at the end of June or even July. Again I was juggling the mindset of either enjoying a final summer vacation or working hard to start my professional career in some way. Of course this would end up being a healthy balance.

I was obviously procrastinating on multiple things. I had a lot of things I wanted to do. Both in leisure and professionally. And as a sort of graduation gift, and with it being a private art institution, I was given a sketchbook just like when I first started at the school as a freshman. With it I decided to give it the purpose of documenting my goals for each 'semester'. Knowing that if I did I would be more inclined to try and complete these goals that I have set out for myself.

Some of these goals included reconstucting my website, applying to at least three jobs, finishing childhood video games, painting out in the park near my house, and other such goals. Of course I was scattered in trying to get some of these things started. Though I did start with the most basic and easiest of the goals. I also ensured to keep motivation by noting that I don't need to finish all goals to be considered successful knowing my perfectionism parasite.

These goals were split into three categories. Professional, creative, and personal. Given that I needed to continue to develop artistically. It isn't something that can be dropped and picked back up without some loss of skills or instincts. The pandemic had taught me that all too well. But that is another story for another day.

Regardless I was struggling to have the motivation to start anything. The most simple of tasks were things like reading a book, cleaning up a social media account, ensuring my job documents were completed and ready for use. All with no real routine or heavy expectation driving me to complete these goals.

Up to this point I had been functioning on the fear of failure or some kind of threat to avoid to get things done. Which isn't healthy as I've been told by a professional. But it was certainly a survival tactic for me. Whether it be just getting things done to avoid getting behind on things to the point of never being able to catch up or the belief of wasted money or effort should I get subpar grades. The latter of course being college. Private art college is not cheap.

It was only recently that I have constructed something productive for myself. Attempting to move on from these past strategies. This of course took some time and lots of self reflection. Deciding to adopt the mindset of simply working towards something at my own pace. Whatever that meant, I was attempting to work on one thing each day in hopes of making lots of progress towards any goal set by myself.

Following in my sisters footsteps who was on a much slower journey of her own. I don't recall clearly. But I think I was once again discussing with my mother about things when it seemed like she was understanding of my position and more or less allowing me to do as I wished. Where I of course assured her that I would show her the fruits of my labor as well as my determination to stay productive.

Then after a few weeks of more or less existing without a purpose, everything seemed to change after I had that session with the professional that had told me how I've carried myself through education was unhealthy. It was clear that not having a routine was the biggest factor that was getting in the way of me getting things done. Not to mention doing only one thing for a whole day was tiring. I was often on the verge of burnout and had thrown in the towel.

"GET ON WITH THE IMPORTANT STUFF ALREADY KAITHIXN!"

Okay. Okay. I was getting to that. Enough journaling. So you just graduated or closed a chapter in your life and don't know where to start anew like I was. Especially if you know nothing but the education system that you were conditioned to or even just a routine in general. For me at least big changes in routine used to be stressful or simply annoying before adjusting and adapting.

So I will start by saying that the first big step that I took was making myself an adequate schedule that matched or reflected my college schedules. I particularly attempted to make it fit a typical eight hour shift with two breaks on each morning or afternoon blocks of time respectfully as well as an hour lunch break.

This was so I could format my routine to what would essentially be a typical salary job. I also matched this schedule to fit with things I wanted to do that fit into completing my goals that I had mentioned earlier. With the morning block dedicated to studying my own artistic process. Essentially a long warm-up where I simply draw anything I want to keep practicing as well as focusing on certain skills to improve myself as a creative.

After my lunch break I either focus on professional goals and related skills or creative goals and skills. Spread out across the week. Though it should be noted that there had been some days that I just took the day for myself but only at the very beginning.

So in terms of professional work, I have begun the process of creating a few living records. The main one I think everyone should be utilizing is an application tracker. I have been experimenting with google sheets to complete this. This is to keep me organized given that I would assumingly be applying to multiple positions across many companies.

It is not a good idea to not have some kind of system to at least note what jobs you have applied to lest you get confused with who you are communicating with for example. Another reason to have it is to prove to anyone who questions your efforts in your job search. I've seen plenty of people seemingly my age documenting just how many jobs that they had applied to with a degree of various levels to even masters still job searching after years.

Of course this was back when I was feeling a bit hopeless about the job market. I still have that feeling but I refuse to give up and just live at home with no goals to accomplish. My main goal overall is to work towards full independence.

What I'm trying to say is having a tracker proves that you are looking and not just sitting there rotting in your room doing nothing productive. It also just keeps trackof every job you have applied to and keeping tabs on its progress. I of course started from a template that someone else had made and editted it to my liking.

I think another big aspect was having a checkbox right at the beginning that states what im applying to as a priority or not. It further motivates me to try my best to get certain positions while those that aren't as important to me get the more.. Casual treatment.

Along with that, I had begun to create other google sheets to help keep track of things moreso related to my creative practice should I get more into freelance work. This includes a commission tracker to ensure I have adequate records for taxes and the like. I have also begun to work on a very well explained and comprehensive but likely long personal contract as well as working towards a form to place on my website for an easy start of communications.

Then as for my other creative endevors I had blocked out time to work towards things I would like to create. This of course being a sort of closed species sort of deal or maybe moreso a collectible type concept with a creature I had a created but moreso focusing currently on a self-created book meant to help other artists who also struggle with crippling perfectionism or other skills.

I also blocked out time for things that are more personal but still end up feeling like a chore. But to be fair for me almost everything I do feels like a chore to some extent. So even if it's something like playing a video game or writing a poem, it sometimes feels like a hassle. So I treat it as such.

Since doing this I have never felt so motivated and structured by my own self-discipline. It makes me feel like I have control over my life and Intend to keep up with this schedule until I get some kind of position or if I get a large amount of commissions, simply live on doing that. Regardless I am making some doors for myself to walk through and taking things into my own hands.

With that said, I'd highly suggest crafting a schedule familiar to you and sticking to it then getting/creating a job application tracker that works for you to help you stay focused on your job search until you get a position and adapting as life goes on. I believe in you and support you in your own unique journeys.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some things to sketch and a post or two to create. You'll likely see them here actually in time. I can't wait to show you what I have created and what I'm working towards. I hope you will enjoy it.

| 7 - 2 - 2024 |