kairos99

[kairos99]

The first paragraphs of a new fanfic I've literally just started to write. They're right out of the oven, and I might look at this in the morning and cringe at some parts, but here they are regardless. I hope you'll give them a read if you've got two or three minutes to spare.

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Kirito hadn’t always known who he was. This is true for everyone at some point, especially when they’re fourteen years old. When you’re that age, it feels like everything’s changing constantly: your moods, your friends, your relationships, even your own body. New expectations are placed on your shoulders, and to top it all off you’re expected to keep up with all of it flawlessly. With such a heavy burden, it’s no wonder that people begin the process of becoming adults with anything other than a stable sense of identity. 

But Kirito was lost even by the standards of kids his own age. He was aware of this, and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out why. He’d be hard pressed to point out the exact moment everything began to go downhill. Perhaps it was when he stopped attending social events he’d previously enjoyed going to, despite being more of a wallflower. Perhaps it was when he began to skip kendo classes and did it so often one day he stopped going altogether. Or perhaps it was when his relationship with his cousin quickly deteriorated after that, for no apparent reason other than his lack of commitment to the sport they’d both dedicated themselves to for years. 

By the time he realized what was happening, he was spending every minute of his spare time glued to his computer and leaving his room only to go to school or for basic necessities such as eating or going to the bathroom. He spent as much time as he could playing games, watching movies, reading ebooks, because if he didn’t keep busy somehow, he would become aware of how hopelessly unhappy he was, how every day felt like a repetition of the last and how the future promised no hope that things would get better. 

Kirito was miserable, and it seemed to him that he’d remain miserable for as long as he lived. 

This would all change in a couple of months. They’d be the hardest months of his short life even compared to the positively terrible existence he used to inhabit, but once everything was said and done, he’d come out the other side feeling more grounded and at home in his own body than any fourteen year old had any right to be. He’d still continue to face challenges no person would face if the world was a kinder place, but he’d be more than ready to meet them after those months had run their course. Some might say he’d become a new person, and maybe there was a bit of truth in that, but it’d be far more accurate to say that he’d become more himself. And boy would he have to shed a lot of falsehoods in order to do that. Even his name wouldn’t be spared. 

And it all began, like many love stories do, with a girl. 

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This is all I've got for now. Like I said, I've just started writing this. I'm terrible at writing nowadays because perfectionism has consumed my life and I can't think of a single plot without convincing myself it's utter shit, but somehow I got this out of my system. Barely. These are less than 500 words, but it still took me like two hours to type.

This is all to say that any progress I make on this fanfic, if I even keep on writing it, will be slow. Like, super slow. As such, if you've enjoyed this little excerpt, I'd appreciate it if you could let me know that you liked it in whatever way you want. Anything, no matter how little, would help me fight the perfectionist goblin in my head and encourage me to keep on working on this project. I can't guarantee I'll finish even a single chapter, and the outline I laid out for this story has *12 chapters* in total. But I have to try. I owe myself a lot of things, and giving myself a chance is the first one. So yeah.

Thanks for reading this far, and hopefully I'll see you along the line with another update. <3

[kairos99]

My fic's finally complete! And just barely after New Year's Eve too. It's good to start the year like this. I hope everyone has a wonderful 2024! :)

Here's the link to the AO3.

[kairos99]

Happy N7 Day everyone!

I wanted to do something for this day and had a Shakarian fanfic collecting dust for ages. I thought I could finish it for today, but unfortunately I only managed to get it halfway done. Still, it's been literal years since I've posted a fanfic on the internet and I wanna chuck this bit to the void godammit, so that's what I'm gonna do. I'll (hopefully) get the other part done and post the entire thing when it's finished.

EDIT: the finished fic's in this blog post

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Garrus can't concentrate. Calibrating the new Thannix cannon, an activity that should've taken him ten minutes, was taking him twice as long because he kept forgetting which tasks he'd already run and making extremely stupid mistakes. It's a damn miracle he doesn't activate the weapon by accident and blow a hole clean through the Normandy. When he's finally done, he sets a reminder on his omnitool to do it all over again after dinner because he's not sure he didn't make things worse by accident. 

The most frustrating part is that things should be better now. Which, in a way, they are. The biggest one being he no longer feels self-loathing tearing him up from the inside every second of the day; now it's once every hour or so. Sure, it's not perfect, but it's a hell of an improvement in comparison. 

Yet there he is, failing something as simple as calibrating a gun. He could do that at his lowest, but now it seems his wits have run away from him even for such an easy task. All because of Shepard. 

Back on Omega, when his mind had been shredded by grief and hanging onto his sanity by a thread, body chock full of stims and single-mindedly focused on survival, watching her appear on the scope and tear apart the mercs sent to kill him had been nothing short of a religious experience. He’d wondered if he’d already died and she’d been sent to pick him up. But there’d be no reason to kill the mercs if that was the case, his delirious mind had reasoned, so maybe she’d been sent to save him: an angel of destruction, a spectre of death raining down punishment upon the evils of this galaxy. 

And she’d called him Archangel. 

He’d eventually found the truth, once he was safe on the new Normandy. She’d indeed died, but was resuscitated by Cerberus and tasked to end the Collectors. Another myth brought back to life. Then he’d merely thought himself lucky and offered his assistance before she could even ask for it. Her relief when he'd done that had been palpable, even as she inquired after his injuries and suitability for duty. Yes, his face hurt something ugly, but he’d worked well under worse conditions and most of the damage would heal soon enough. 

Besides, it’s not like I have anything better to do, he’d said. Judging by the twist in her mouth, she’d caught his hidden meaning. I have nowhere else to go. Will you be okay? She’d asked. As if being with her wasn’t the best reprieve he could think of after the hell he’d gone through. He might worry if he were working under anyone else, but with Shepard in charge, he could rest from the burden of leadership and trust his time and skills were being used for a good cause. It’s one of the many things he liked about her: despite their disagreements, he knew he could trust her to make the right calls. 

He’d been almost right. Going on missions kept him somewhat distracted from what’d happened in Omega and made them spend time together after two years of separation. He'd meant to use the opportunity to catch up, see if she’s changed from before her death, be there for her as a friend and confidante in these uncertain times. 

But the death of his squad had been fresh back then, an open wound undergoing an infection that planted its roots deep in his mind. When he wasn’t working, he thought about them. Constantly. He thought about their friends and families, who’d trusted him to keep them safe. He thought about how they trusted him to keep them safe, how brilliant and righteous and good they all were, how he’d pushed them to their limits for the sake of his own goals, how he’d refused them a vacation when they’d asked for it. 

Mostly, he thought about the only member who was still alive. The one who’d escaped. The one who’d betrayed them all. 

Every hour his mind came up with a new way of grieving them, a new way of blaming Sidonis, a new way of blaming himself. His dreams were no better. His team gazed at him disapprovingly while Sidonis taunted him and killed his squad over and over again, and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop him. 

He became distant, sequestering in the forward batteries and forcing Shepard to come to him in order to talk. He was present for his duties, but not much else. Two years apart, and he barely made the effort to reconnect. He hated himself for it, which did nothing but add to the cycle of pain and misery. 

It wasn't long till he told her what happened and his plan to correct matters. He knew she wouldn’t like it, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Sidonis betrayed his trust and got his teammates killed. As far as he was concerned, Sidonis was a dead man. 

Then, the day came to exact his judgment on the man. Despite not agreeing with him, Shepard had been, as always, the perfect partner. She’d helped him find his target and did what she could to keep him from going on the deep end. Thinking about how he’d acted back then made hot shame creep up his neck. He’d just been so angry. 

And the one time she’d actively gone against his wishes, she’d done it for him. To give him the answers he truly needed. And by doing so, she’d inadvertently been the one to get his head out of his ass and make him see, with painful clarity, where he was headed to. 

The rifle’s getting warm in his hands. Sidonis’ head is in his scope, but so is Shepard’s, and she’s blocking his shot. She shouldn’t be, but she is, and she’s talking to Sidonis and ruining all of his carefully laid plans. He’s angry and sweating and ready to pull the trigger the second his target moves. 

So what if the mercs caught and threatened Sidonis? So what if he didn't want to do it? He still got his squad killed. When things got tough, he chose the easy way out like a coward and left them all to die. He was responsible, he was at fault, he'd been the one who deserved to die. 

Shepard says something, but he doesn't catch it over the blood rushing through his head. Sidonis starts to move to the right, and she follows to block his shot. It's not a perfect blockade however; if he can time it right, there's a good chance he'll land the shot without hurting her. Time slows down, he's a mere millisecond away from pulling the trigger until he stops. 

Wait.

His eyes widen as his actions catch up to him. The opportunity passes by; Sidonis leans over a railing and Shepard's head covers his completely. 

Did he just… 

Was he willing to risk Shepard’s life in order to fulfill his revenge? His only friend in the galaxy? The only person who’d stood by him in this crazy plan of his? Who’d saved him from his mistakes and listened to him during his lowest and cared despite it? The one he cared about so deeply he’d take ten more rockets to the face to protect? Was he willing to gamble her life to finish Sidonis’? 

Horror chokes his throat. He can do nothing but listen to the rest of the exchange, helpless and numb. 

Spirits, what had he become?

That's what did it in the end. It wasn't what made him decide not to kill Sidonis; that was a nest of pyjacks he didn't wish to kick again, at least not yet. But without it, he'd have never considered sparing him. He might've done the unthinkable and not just rid the galaxy of its best chance of survival against the Reapers, but also become well and truly friendless. Just thinking about how close he could’ve been to that makes him want to curl up in a ball and never talk to anyone ever again. 

He owes everything to Shepard. For her guidance, her friendship, for being there at his worst and not leaving him to face his demons on his own. Maybe one day he’ll figure out how to thank her for everything she’s done for him. 

But he’ll never tell her what happened during those few milliseconds. He’ll tell her anything, but not that. It’s his burden to bear, and hopefully, if he ever comes close to what he’d done again, the reminder of his actions will be enough to dissuade him from going down that same path. 

What’s important is that he finally feels anchored in the present moment. He no longer feels like his continued existence has been stolen from those who’re no longer living. Maybe he doesn’t need absolute justice to feel at peace with himself. Maybe it’s okay to feel at peace without absolute justice existing in the world. 

Maybe, what he needs is something else. 

With things finally looking up, he thought that maybe life was finally giving him a break for once. 

And then, Shepard had talked to him in the forward batteries and reminded him that as good as she was at being a source of comfort, she could be just as good at being a source of distraction.

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Next, Garrus reflects on his relationship with Shepard and realizes he caught feelings for her, which is a huge revelation for him because he didn't know he could catch feelings for someone not his species. He proceeds to have a full-on sexuality crisis not at all inspired by my own, nope no way, zero, mhm, nada. It gets resolved relatively quickly though, no worries. :)

Thanks for reading! I'd appreciate any encouragement you can send me. It'd go a long way in giving me the motivation to finish this fic.

[kairos99]

Heya! Allosexual budding writer here. I want to write a fanfic about a demisexual teenager who feels physical attraction for the first time towards their significant other.

The thing is, I'm not sure how to properly narrate the experience. I've googled demisexuality and scrolled through the Tumblr tag to get a good grasp on what it is and what it's not, and I think I have the basics nailed down, but I still have doubts over the realism of the premise.

The idea is that this teenager has been romantically involved with their SO since middle school and has felt no physical attraction towards them or anyone else until their final year of high school. He begins to feel sexually attracted to his partner and gets very confused very fast.

But is it too over-the-top? I understand demisexuality is part of a spectrum, but is it possible for the teenager to never feel any sexual attraction towards anyone up to their last school year? Would the attraction spawn out of nowhere, from a seemingly random event? And once it does, how would he feel about it? Surprised? Confused? Guilty? How long would it even take him to realize what was happening? Or would he know immediately?

Basically: what's a good 'sexual awakening' story for a demisexual teen, and how might it differ from an allosexual one?

I would deeply appreciate insights from any demis out there. And, if possible, I'd also like to hear about any lesser-known mistakes you've found that people tend to make when talking/writing about this orientation so I may avoid misrepresenting it in the same way.

Cheers!

[kairos99]

Is it normal to be low-key disappointed by human couples after becoming a Shakarian shipper? 

Like, I'll be watching a human couple come together somewhere else, and first I'll be thinking 'awww, they're so cute', but then, without permission, my mind will go 'but they're the same species, they didn't have to work against evolution and societal preconceptions to fall in love, they didn't have to become super close and learn to trust each other utterly and completely through thick and thin before they could begin having romantic feelings for their partner, how can you be sure their love reaches that far, how can you know their love is that pure, how can you know?' and I'll immediately like them a little less. 

[kairos99]

I have an intense craving for a very, very specific kind of Shakarian fanfic. 

I want a fanfic where Nihlus supervises a Paragon FemShep and Garrus as Spectre candidates at the same time. During their missions, I want FemShep and Garrus to have different opinions on how to resolve situations, BUT, and this is important, I want them to be super respectful towards each other and talk about the best way to handle situations while Nihlus watches over his Padawans exceedingly pleased with his choice of candidates. 

I want this fanfic to be the definition of friends to lovers. When they first meet, I want Garrus to be curious about her rather than wary - surely a human Spectre candidate must be someone special - and I want FemShep to be very open-minded about working with other species and wanting to make a good impression of humanity and being happy cause hey, I won’t be doing this alone, there’s a friendly Spectre candidate I can share this experience with, and they both vibe SO WELL with each they become instant friends. 

I want a sprinkle of political drama in it as well. I want FemShep to have a harder time getting the approval of people cause she’s human while Garrus gets a pass from doing the same things she’s doing and I want him to be aware of this and be rightfully mad about it cause he hates injustice and he knows from seeing her in action that she’d be a great Spectre, maybe better than most. I want some humans to not be happy about their Spectre candidate working so closely with turians and thinking they’re using her to further their own goals, and I want to see FemShep navigate these situations in typical Mass Effect fashion. 

More than anything, I want Garrus and FemShep to learn from each other and grow as individuals. I want them to grow to trust one another and be more comfortable with each other than people of their own species, and I want them to become physically attracted to each other as a result. I want them pining long before they make a move, so that when they finally get together, it’ll be COMPLETELY worth it. (b-e-f-o-r-e the last chapter thank you very much.) 

I don’t want it to be easy, mind you; I want FemShep’s background to be Colonist - Sole Survivor, which means she's gone through a lot of trauma even if she’s dealt with most of it. I want some of their missions to be difficult enough to have close calls. Hell, maybe the Council could decide for whatever reason that only one of the two gets to be a Spectre and Nihlus is forced to make them compete for the position. I want angst as long as it compliments the fluff and makes the story all the more touching and emotional. 

I’m not too sure about the rest. Maybe the three could be chasing Saren on the Normandy in a similar plot to ME1, and Nihlus gets killed in Virmire instead of Ashley/Kaidan and since the two haven’t been made Spectres yet they cannot leave the Citadel afterwards and must steal the Normandy to go to Ilos. Maybe it follows a completely different trajectory with or without Saren and/or the Reapers and they pick up the squad along the way and help them with whatever they need. 

Well this sounds great, you might say. Why don’t you write it? 

Cause I’m aware that making all of this happen while preserving the quality would take a TON of work and I’m nowhere near the appropriate mindspace to dedicate my mind to it. :’)

[kairos99]

Infinite emotions

According to recent research, emotions don’t come built into our bodies; they’re built by our brains as it takes input from our senses and looks for patterns in our past experiences in order to make sense of the present. Basically, it builds the emotion it thinks matches the current situation best. It makes a prediction. 

The thing is, in order to build emotions, our brains must first know about them in concept. If it doesn’t know a particular emotion exists, it won’t be able to construct it. This is why emotional granularity is so important. By telling the difference between similar emotions and learning what they’re called, we essentially give more tools for the brain to make more accurate predictions and enhance our emotional experience. 

What’s crazy to me is that if all of this is true, there could be an infinite amount of emotions suiting each and every moment of our lives perfectly. Emotions that don’t exist in any language and could never be learnt by our brains, short of calling them ‘the feeling of sitting on a cushioned wooden chair a Saturday night wearing [insert clothes] with [insert position] and a mild temperature surrounded by etc etc’. Emotions that go beyond the umbrella of common ones like happiness and anger and sadness and fear. Emotions that can only ever be felt by a single person and nobody else. The possibilities are endless. 

[kairos99]

You know you’ve read too much fanfic when you can’t listen to any song/soundtrack without playing out a fanfic scenario in your head. Bonus points if it’s a scene you intend to write at some point but never do. 

(Double that amount if you listen to a stream of songs in a specific order that follows the plot of a WIP.) 

[kairos99]

On the existence of God

I don’t think ‘Does God exist?’ is the right question. If we were to approach the concept in a more logical manner, a better question would be: Can God exist? Does what we know about the universe allow God to be a part of it? Can science truly prove without a shadow of a doubt that God doesn’t fit the equation? (Pun intended)

Even more than that, how do we define God? Do we define God for what it is, or for what it can do? Do we define God, or a god? Or maybe several gods? Is a god someone who’s created the universe? Can a god modify existing natural laws? Can it tell what’s to come? Are gods created by other gods? If not, how does a god come to exist before the universe it’s created? Are there other universes created by other gods? Why do gods create them? Do they know what they’ve created? Do they care? 

Sometimes I get the impression we don’t get creative enough with the concept of gods. At least where I’m from, it seems like there are only two possible outcomes: either the Christian God exists, or it doesn’t. But there are so many other possibilities! So many more things to think about! 

What definition of god is more likely to get a pass from science? That’s what I wanna know. 

[kairos99]

Me writing a comfort scene in a fanfic

Person A: *talks about why they’re the worst person to exist* 

Person B: *lists a thousand and one reasons why Person A is the sun in the sky, the stars in the night, and the most beautiful soul to grace this unholy realm, essentially becoming me, the author*

[kairos99]

So yesterday I watched the latest episode of WandaVision - the 5th one - and I’d like to share my thoughts on it. Don’t read if you don’t wanna be spoiled!! 

The possibility that the children are completely made up is twisted. Or maybe Wanda’s reality shifting skills make them real? I don’t know, but it feels like Wanda’s digging herself into a deeper hole the more time she spends in that sitcom. Mind controlling everyone in the town, gaslighting Vision, creating children out of nowhere - things could get really ugly if she continues what she’s doing. 

It’s funny how Wanda’s friend in the sitcom seems to know what’s going on, or at least has an idea, but keeps pretending she’s ignorant even when crazy stuff happens around her. Oh, the kids grew 10 years in the span of a day? How fast they grow! Wanda can bring back the dead? Interesting! Wanda won’t make a retake when things got confusing? Strange, but ok, let’s rock the cradles! 

Which reminds me of Norm. Poor man :(. It’s good that Vision confronts Wanda and doesn’t buy her lies despite being scared of the truth. You go, robot man. 

At the same time, one has to feel sorry for her. She’s had people she was close to dying around her ever since she was a child: her parents, her twin brother, and now recently, her significant other. As if that wasn’t enough, most people are now scared of her and believe her a terrorist. Very few are willing to help her through her emotions. 

The agents mentioning the fact that Wanda and Captain Marvel could’ve defeated Thanos seemed a bit... out of place I guess? Like, I agree with them, but I’m not sure it makes sense for these agents to know or comment on this. 

It’s interesting how the red effect of Wanda’s powers doesn’t appear when she’s pretending to be in a sitcom, but they do once she comes back to reality or shows her true self while she’s in Westview. Maybe it’s the literal interpretation of ‘showing her true colors’? 

And last but not least: I CALLED it! After Wanda opened the door and got that shocked expression on her face, I said out loud, “The brother!”, and it WAS! (I thought I was wrong though when I saw the actor.)

These are my thoughts on the episode. I’m not sure how I feel about the possibility of Vision coming back to life, but overall I’m really liking the show. The references, the returning characters, the comedy, it’s all so Marvel and a part of me has missed it. I’m suitably intrigued by the story and will keep watching the episodes as they air. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope you’ve enjoyed my thoughts on the episode! 

[kairos99]

Woooo first Tumblr post! 

Since I made this blog primarily to dump my thoughts in, I’ll start by saying how nice it was to customize its appearance. Creating a space you like isn’t something we tend to do I think, but there’s a simple pleasure that comes from doing it, like when you create your game avatar or decorate your bedroom. Moreover, the UI was simple, intuitive and nicely structured, even though the HTML stuff is unfamiliar to me. Guess I’ll learn with practice. :)