juststruggling

[juststruggling]

Funny things that make me think I’m ND Pt. 3 😇

After I played cards against humanity with some other kids no one seemed to want me to play with them. Apparently, I choose the "logical" answers rather than the "funny" ones and that was a deterrent.

[juststruggling]

Who is “you”? I am a proud egg eater. Ever since I discovered how to perfectly cook them so they are the perfect amount of fluffy and buttery I have never gone back. IN FACT, I used to mainly have eggs and tortillas for dinner for a good 1-3 years, and I never got tired of it. I can eat eggs with anything I love anytime. It’s magically (coming second to dairy products) one of the only things I can eat a lot of without getting tired of it. So, in conclusion, you, my friend, are a weakling.

Why is it that when you start eating eggs you also have to suffer a race against time before your brain decides to make eating eggs unbearable

[juststruggling]

Funny things that make me think I’m ND Pt. 2 😇

Yesterday, I tried sleeping in the room with my mom [I occasionally sleep in her room even though I’m 17]. I was really tired and she was playing her news, so all I said was “Quiet,” and so she turned it down low. But it wasn’t low enough so I got even more irritated and grabbed my pillow and blanket and left. I grabbed her phone and stood next to her bed just rocking on my feet for like a minute out of it. Then I turned off her phone and got my water and went to bed.

[juststruggling]

I started laughing because I was like "Hey, this sounds like me 😅" Then it said autistic head cannon (I've been trying to figure out if I'm ND or something so it felt a little ironic 💀) And the 3rd gif is literally me anytime I’m lost socially. /lh

Autistic Headcanons: Peter Parker aka Spiderman from MCU  Please give me credit if you use my gifs. Don’t repost but reblogs welcome!

[juststruggling]

A little meme I made about how I might be ND or something☺

I’ve been more self aware lately which has resulted in me noticing a lot of traits everyone overlooks and neglects.

[juststruggling]

I’ve given up :)

Very long read about me not really fitting in, giving up socially, hating the school environment, and me being socially anxious.

Yeah, so, um... socially I’ve just given up :) Like... I’ve never really fit in there’s always been something blocking me from achieving that. I’ve always been the target of people’s bullying/mistreatment. And... like... I do have friends and to a certain extent I feel important to them, but its like I don’t understand them and they don’t understand me. I never really feel in tune with them, you know? I don’t understand trends, clothing styles/aesthetics, keeping up with celebrities, and all of that ;-; I feel like I should I’m 16... this is supposed to be how I am, right? Like I get drained so easily if its anything other than a phone call. My social battery is just so low all the time ;-; It’s come to the point where I don’t even want to go to school because I feel like there’s so much going on that I can’t keep up with. Like 2nd period is full of loud freshmen and I don’t know anyone except this one racist girl. 3rd period is full of juniors, but I don’t know anyone and we’re constantly working in groups and then my teacher sat me where there’s this window just shining in my face >:( 4th period is full of loud seniors and the class is so bright and I literally breakdown in that class because I can’t focus and too much is going on. 6th period is ok, but there’s this thing the school does where its like 6.B period and you go there or anywhere you need to go to finish work or any other activities for like an hour. And since my class is in the Library everyone is trying to go there and its all these loud kids so I can’t focus at all. Sometimes they kick us out, because they do meet ups... so I have to go into these couch areas in the hallways. The couch areas or cubbies are always loud, bright, and the teachers just monitor you which makes me nervous. And like lunches are just as bad... like my friends started going to B/2nd lunch and I don’t like going there because its all freshmen and its packed and its loud and other than my friends I don’t know anyone which just makes me very anxious. I try to go to C/3rd lunch because its mainly juniors, but even then... I hardly know anyone...(Depending on what class you have you can choose what lunch you can have). And so I basically don’t want to go to school anymore, and I want to go back to virtual.

[juststruggling]

Rant

So the other day I was talking to a staff member at my school let’s call her Nora, and we were going over my schedule and classes and such. She asked me how I was doing in my classes and I told her I was falling behind. She asked me why and I told her I work too slow and I’m not outputting the same amount of work that’s getting put into my workload. After I told her that she went on a 45 minute lecture about what I need to do and that if I don’t get faster then I won’t succeed. Like I tried to explain to her that I can’t get faster, but she didn’t understand. I take 2-5 times longer than everyone else with literally everything. When I try to get faster its like my brain hurts or something. I try and I try, but I’m too slow. Like I’d give anything to function faster. It takes me a long time to process jokes, sarcasm, tone, instructions, etc. and people tell me I’m acting stupid or something, but I’m really not. I work 8-14+ hours a day on work and it could take me up to 4 hours to do one assignment and I just feel like I’m running out of time all the time. I feel like I’ll always be behind like I’ll never get anywhere. I love doing work and I love learning, but its consuming my life and it scares me. All my life I’ve worked slow and I just want to be normal. So many people resented me for my slow pace, so many people call me lazy and unmotivated, and if I was faster it would fix so many problems. Ms. Nora told me I haven’t lost enough to motivate me to move faster in life when I’ve lost literally everything. To be honest I don’t think I enjoy not having time for extracurricular activities or working overtime or “taking my time” or even working at all I think I’ve just become content with the person I am and the person I’m going to be. I’ve just learned to be happy with my dull life. It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty for sleeping and spending time with people. I ended out having a mental break down over all of this in the middle of school :D The crazy thing about this is whenever I talk to people they’re like “My brain is always running so fast it never stops,” and I feel like mine is never running fast enough and blank. I just want to be normal 😞

[juststruggling]

I don't feel right 😕 I feel like autism has been ruled out so I don't know why I'm like this.

Ranting in the tags ⬇

[juststruggling]

Getting ready to talk after being almost completely mute for 2 1/2 days 😃 I must say it is very nerve racking 😅

[juststruggling]

Update on me speaking

I’ve been almost completely mute for about 2 days. At most I’ll say a couple of words, but that’s it. Again I don’t know why perhaps I’m stressed out, but I’ve never been mute this long. Usually, it’s about an hour or 2. Usually, people don’t even notice when I do it, but now there’s no hiding it. My mom thinks I’m upset, and I try to explain to her, but she’s not getting it. I wanted to be on the phone with my friends so I told them in advance. I don’t think they understand. One of them thought I just meant I wanted some time alone, and another tried to relate? Like I’m not being shy. I’m deadass mute I can talk I just won’t I can’t intentionally bring myself to talk. I feel like a child :\

[juststruggling]

I've been mute for about 5 hours and now I'm ready to talk 🥰

Everything is LOUD and I'm irritated and I don't feel like moving and I feel like crying and I don't know what to do.

About to rant in the tags ⬇

[juststruggling]

Everything is LOUD and I'm irritated and I don't feel like moving and I feel like crying and I don't know what to do.

About to rant in the tags ⬇

[juststruggling]

I'll be using this blog to talk about anything I struggle with that is related to OCD and things that make me feel like I'm not functioning the same as everyone else (maybe it is common and nobody talks about it 😅) I kind of use emojis as "tone readers". Like 90% sure I have OCD and not even sure about the whole autism thing. Before today I might've said "Maybe I have autism," but now I'm like "I definitely don't think I have autism." For a little context, my friend and sister think/thought I had autism, but my cousin who works in SPED said I don't 🤷 She said that it was "normal" and that we are all a little autistic so now I feel so lost ☹️ Like there's so many things I do and ways I act that aren't how everyone functions. But I've come to the conclusion that I'm not autistic I just need to pay attention to myself more so I'm not "What the hell is this?!? That's interesting as hell no one else does that 👀" When in fact it's not something that's uncommon and not related to autism at all ☺️ I'm just overthinking and looking too much into things 💀 But, hey, maybe I'll learn some new things about myself on this blog 😅